When Sean Penn’s not being pestered by Scarlett Johansson on the rebound, he’s being all philanthropic and all that jive. Of course, having a political persuasion means you’ll rub some people up the wrong way and they shout at you.

Mercifully for Sean Penn, he’s a grade-a bitch. He has put-downs that could almost match the output of a drag queen convention.

And who found this out at their cost? Why, if it wasn’t a co-star of his who accused Penn of being a Communist. What fun!

You may or may not know or care, but Penn is a big supporter of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. He’s a red. And an old co-star of Sean’s, called Maria Conchita Alonso, took an opportunity to shoot her mouth off at the actor when she bumped into him at LAX.

Conchita, recounts the incident, said:

I said, ‘I would like to talk to you.’ He said, ‘Oh, it’s you. I have nothing to say to you. You speak badly about me.’ I said, ‘No, I don’t. I just say the truth. That you are a friend of Chavez and that he’s a good man. And that’s a lie. How can you do that?’

He said, ‘You are a pig!’ So I said, ‘And you are a Communist asshole!’

I was so angry and I had all this built inside me for so many years, and he calls me a pig. I just exploded. My mother was so happy, she wanted to clap.

Imagine that. Calling someone a crude name and your mother welling up with pride as she stands beside you. Something that hecklerspray is still waiting on.

Penn’s retort?

I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.

If you’re wondering – which you’re not – Alonso and Penn starred in Colors together.

Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.

But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21^st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.

That’s right, if it wasn’t for Donald Trump the world would never have been subjected to the second coming of Madonna.

Top man Trump, stated that it was his choice to have Gaga perform during the 2008 Miss Universe pageant. The resulting performance that she put on got tongues wagging, with people all over the world reportedly not talking about the pageant because they were too busy wondering who that entertainer was.

Naturally there was no mention of the fact that Gaga’s inaugural performance came just after the crucial Miss Universe Wank Threshold. After which it’s assumed that any and all viewers have finally reached their climax and so they’d better wheel out the performing monkey to distract them and give them a little bit of time to recover.

America’s answer to Lord Sugar wasn’t done there though.

Now that he’s successfully managed to convince everyone that he brought us Gaga, instead of simply being a bit gaga, Trump has begun work on his next outlandish claim.

Rumours have been circling Stateside that Trump is planning to claim that he is in fact the man in the moon, having acquired the advertising rights after a hostile takeover of NASA that took place just before they had to scrap the space shuttle program.

Yes folks, it’s not a festive edition of The Tumblr Trawler and let us tell you why not; Christmas is rubbish. It’s especially rubbish when it comes to memes. Still, here’s this week’s trawl through the briney depths.

5. Replace Face: Want to see what Jason Statham, Danny Trejo & Donald Trump would look like as Russian Generals? Well, we would like to draw your attention to Replace Face.

4. OMG CATS IN SPACE: Is this really, really worth clicking on? We know you like cats and everything but do you really, really want to see a load of cats out in the blackness of space? OF COURSE YOU DO!

3. Feminist Ryan Gosling: Ryan Gosling’s a good feminist guy and wants you to know it. He’s been putting up pictures of himself quoting feminist theory. Oh… what? It’s not actually him? Where’s the appeal then?

2. Barack Obama <3s Gary Busey: Seriously, the most powerful man in the world just can’t go anywhere without his good friend Barack Obama trying to tag along.

1. Nick Clegg Looking Sad: There’s nothing we like to see more at Christmas time than an ineffectual politician with no backbone or discernable policies looking like someone’s just kicked his cat. Here are some images of Nick Clegg having an absolutely awful time. Good.

Scarlett Johansson’s boobs. She showed them off to us by accident didn’t she? That’s probably the thing she’ll be remembered for when she dies. Boobs, oh and she did some films. Better to be remembered for titties than forgotten entirely, right?

Either way, we’re not here to talk about breasts all day. We’re talking marriage. Pull up a seat. Let’s get deep.

See, Scarlett is under the assumption that marrying Ryan Reynolds was one of the best decisions she ever made. She split with him after two years and made one of the most annoying perfume adverts in history. But it was still totally the best thing she ever did. Ryan Reynolds. Think about that.

Nothing good comes out of Ryan Reynolds. Literally. It’s all waste products, humid air and nincompoopery. He’s a dithering sack of shit with a granite hard torso and 14 inch skull.

Still, Johansson claims marrying the star of the ‘Green Lantern’ was the best thing she ever, ever did. Much better than the time she got with Sean Penn by sheer persistence.

She said:

“It was the best thing I ever did. I’m a big believer that when something feels right, you should do it.”

“I’m a big believer in instinct. Getting married was the right thing to do because it was natural. It grew out of romance and love and a desire to have a future with somebody, and I was very fortunate that I married somebody who turned out to be the person I thought he would be.”

So, how does one celebrate the love of the union of marriage? Why, you don’t spend any time together and, in the case of Scarlett, she wasn’t prepared to do the work necessary to keep their romance alive!

HURRAY!

Speaking to Cosmopolitan magazine, she said:

“Relationships are complicated. Being married is a living, breathing process. I think I was not fully aware of the peaks and the valleys. I wasn’t prepared to hunker down and do the work. Both of us were extremely busy. We spent so much time apart. It’s very difficult.”

Of course, marriage is a stupid, dangerous drug for those fearful of their own company, and hecklerspray advises that you don’t even try it. You saw Charlie Sheen when he was out of his mind on expensive drugs? Marriage turns you into a bigger dillweed than that!

Seriously. Go watch Bridezillas and hark at the endless identical baby pictures currently littering your Facebook feed.

Just. Say. No (preferably at the altar for maximum impact).

Russia and America haven’t ever really got along have they? They’re both giganto land-masses that just love antagonising each other with spies, wars and lousy impressions of each others accents.

At least the news is always impartial, eh?

Like hell. Have you seen Fox News? And Fox & Co (not a Top of the Pops dance troupe, sadly) have got competition in the form of Tatiana Limanova who made her feelings on Barack Obama perfectly clear in a news bulletin.

In a moment, presumably thought to be off-camera, commie-swine Tatiana flipped the bird at the mention of Barry Obama just before the bulletin switched to a VT.

Of course, this will wind up the Yankee Doodles no end and we’ll probably see Bill O’Reilly bearing his arse with the words “RUSSIA SUX” written on in marker.

Naturally, you wouldn’t get the wonderful British news organisations being so partizan would you?

Nooooooo.

Anyway, here’s the video of Limanova giving a big up yours to America. Let us all pray for another Cold War as a result, eh?

Did you know that Barack Obama is the antichrist? Did you have any idea? Must be something to do with his Middle Eastern sounding name.

So thank Godly Godlington that Christians are on-hand to point out that Obama is some kind of lousy, Middle Eastern infidel who…

…hang on a minute. Wasn’t Jesus from Palestine or something? So what’s this mad Christian doing heckling Obama during a press conference then? See the video over the jump to see how daft America is.

That’s right kiddies!

At a fundraiser in Los Angeles, Obama was just shooting the breeze with the giddy throng when some spirited chap in the audience started shooting his mouth off about the “one true Christian God”, following up with a swift one-two about Barack being the antichrist.

Of course, the President brushed his shoulder and the crowd reaction accordingly.

Mental Christian shouts:

“The Christian God is one and only true living God! The creator of heaven and the universe! Jesus Christ is God! Jesus Christ is God! Jesus Christ is still our God! Jesus Christ is still God! You are the Antichrist!”

Have a look and pick sides for crying out loud.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

On Sunday, we witnessed what came to be the last programme documenting the audition process of the underrated, revolutionary post-feminist Space Opera series “The X Factor 2011″.

Hear that over there? That’s Ewan Mcgregor singing Your Song in a melancholic manner with an umbrella. See that over in the other direction? That’s your inescapable loneliness.

But put all that heroin and selection of complimentary bath salts to the side for one moment! Those headaches are probably nothing to worry about after all. Let’s just kick back, and remember all the classic moments of the past few weeks instead. Remember when a woman told Tulisa how it was all HER opinion, and then on top of that, that other thing happened as well? Sometimes the path to creating amazing music is hard. Just ask Brian Wilson or David Sneddon. Or both! They’re probably sitting together on the same park bench somewhere, trying to feed Hula Hoop packets to pissed off swans.

Ah, Memory Lane.

Sunday night’s show promised us such splendours like the prospect of Gary Barlow teaming navy with maroon, and Louis Walsh literally retracting the gift of the human voice to one unlucky, nondescript contestant, cruelly telling them that ‘singing is not for you.’

Then along came our beloved Dermot O’Leary, with all his layers of self-loathing and wool. Dermot, with his choreographed face, standing outside the Millennium Dome with thousands of blissful, cheering people waving merrily, despite the devastating financial collapse that the building once suffered, like the insensitive prick that he is.

In one of the more experimental features of the show, we were introduced to a special segment where some people actually tried their hand at auditioning for the X Factor. These people came in the vaguely upsetting shapes of Neil and Sue Perkins Margaret.

Neil and Margaret are the sorts of people who are lonely and not conventionally attractive. You have may have once seen something about it on Panorama. The reason this is really really funny is because it means Neil and Sue are less likely to procreate, due to not successfully accommodating Charles Darwin’s theories of natural selection and as such are subsequently void as a contribution to the species. Just really, really funny.

Neil and Margaret met on the internet and are middle aged, which ITV1 respect so much that they have dubbed their interview with an insincere midi clip of The Carpenters’ Close to You in the background, presumably to help articulate the immense success rate of social networking in the early 2010s/true love.

Also: KELLY ROWLAND LOVES THE CARPENTERS.

Margaret, without any shadow of hope, did terribly in her audition, despite having a man to hold her at night. AND she’s ugly. God, that’s kind of funny too – in a way. Neil, of Being in Love With Margaret fame, came up next and by all the forces of the stars, the galaxies, and Mystic Meg’s Microsoft Word documents, Neil can’t sing either. Blimey, we guess that whole Sonny and Cher thing was just a massive anomaly. Neil looked like he was going to cry. Neil also looked like he was drawn with charcoal and then brought to life by the BBC Visual Effects company.

Margaret and Neil go home, allowing us to return to Liverpool. Or Gary Barlowverpool, as you may be more familiar with it being called these days. In fact, there was something rather mystical in the air throughout the whole show – because in Liverpool, Dermot O Leary by no manner of coincidence, bumps into one of the three featured singers in the programme and conducts a very long descriptive interview with him, which is bloody good luck if you ask us.

The lad in question was Bradley Johnson – a check-shirted maverick of contemporary performing arts who used to hang out with scallies. Like how Margaret and Neil were happy to have found each other after years of pervasive emptiness and scabies – Bradley was expelled for being a dillweed at school, so is naturally more deserving of: THE SINCERE VERSION OF THE INSINCERE MIDI CLIP.

Oddly enough, the judge’s small talk with Bradley conveniently circulates around asking Bradley if he just so happens to have been expelled from three schools and is subsequentlyfeelingunsureofhisfuturecareerpath recently. WHAT THE WHAT? HE HAS AND IS? Harry fucking Potter, isn’t it insane that the one time the judges happen to ask that particular line of questioning, it happens to be utterly factually accurate to an auditionee’s life? If this pre-audition chit chat always took place in the same manner though, surely Matt Cardle would have never won the X Factor, as he’d have been ushered off the stage sobbing into a hemp rag.  But for Bradley, the future is considerably more encouraging as he bravely gets over behaving appallingly at school and gallantly gets on stage and sings an Ed Sheeran track, all by himself. It’s colon-wrenchingly more amazing than the word ‘amazing’. Barack Obama even reportedly tried to give his Nobel Peace Prize back after a mate of his +1′d Bradley’s performance from YouTube.

Some more people bothered to audition, like we even need to listen to anything poorly masquerading as ‘music’ post Bradley’s introduction of the acoustic guitar genre, but nonetheless, The X Factor insists on giving EVERYONE a chance. Yawn. Bring on Joe Cox, who wants to achieve his dreams or something. Such a bloody killjoy. Upon auditioning, Joe Cox discovers that he won’t be getting the chance to be gay during his time on The X Factor -even if he wanted to be, as the judges man-handled him into admitting that he ‘likes ladies’. “Do you like the ladies Joe? DO YOU? WE BET A HANDSOME SINGLE MAN LIKE YOURSELF LIKES THE LADIES!” Sorry Joe. On the bright side – a bit of ambiguous sexuality didn’t do a certain mastermind of white soul Will Young any harm! (before he got blackmailed by The Sun, obviously.)

MEANWHILE – KELLY ROWLAND CONTINUES TO BE AMAZING.

Next up to perform, was OF COURSE  Terry Winstanley. You remember Terry. Terry being the unstoppable force that generated such wonder over the years on Dawn French’s chocolate orange adverts. Terry is old too. This series of X Factor has had a momentous amount of  messed up middle aged men on it this year, which probably is something to do with the ‘NEXT GENERATION’ thing they keep harping on about, or because otherwise they might invent Diana Vickers again.

Maybe Tulisa just sapped up all the youth in the world, and that’s why everyone on this series looks like they were painted by Fearne Cotton. Beautiful, amazing, Tulisa. God, she’s so fledgling and current. Unlike Terry who enjoys simpler pleasures, such as melodically assembling a Micheal Bolton cover version with ‘gusto’. Nice one, Terry. We bet his wife is alive, and everything. Not only do we like Terry, but we we really like what Terry did with his X Factor sticker. Right in the centre of the shirt. A simple but effective twist on the X Factor Audition Sticker, considering Cher Lloyd used to just fuse hers to her kegal muscles, and shove dice in her mouth.

A woman with a croissant on her head sang a song and was rewarded for inexplicable reasons – but more importantly than that, a man called Deep Dhillon turned up. Deep Dhillon – a name that genuinely has appeared on a birth certificate in the medium of a coherent woman’s handwriting at some point. This is the whole ‘Johnny Robinson’ debacle all over again. (Seriously, imagine being called ‘Johnny Robinson’. See, you can’t even try.) Deep Dhillon is not even a joke name. We know there’s a dildo joke starkly available, but quite frankly it just doesn’t seem worth it. Seriously, not even for us. Is there anything really that funny about an untalented primordial bloke called ‘Deep’? It’s just a bit upsetting, really.

TAKE THAT INTERLUDE.

Next up was That Comedy Old Woman With The Empty Lungs (Which is not just something we just tried to 40d, honestly) Alright, for the sake of giving some of the more superannuated members of society a vague swipe at respect, we will call her by her actual name – which is Ceri Rees, which we bothered to find out for you. If you’ve accidentally watched 8 years of X Factor before, you will know that Ceri is a regular auditionee who ultimately disappoints herself and us again and again, because sadomasochism is just too damn sexy to give up.

Unfortunately for everyone, Ceri can’t sing. Not as in, she cannot sing a Whitney Houston song the way Whitney Houston used to sing a Whitney Houston song 40 years ago – She cannot sing. She cannot sing to the extent that she literally cannot sustain speech. There is absolutely no phonatory process of any sort for Ceri to even attempt to pursue. The woman is simply tired and old, like if Neil Buchannan were to create a Big Art Attack in the Sahara Desert. (This reference would probably be funny if Neil Buchannan wasn’t regrettably racist – if you believe the internet rumours.) Yet despite this – ITV1 happily give her the same amount of air time that they also give to men who brutally beat their wives and/or the friends of Peter Andre.

And then of course – after receiving mockery from braying New Look shoppers/musical experts in the audience, ITV1 play the Jaws theme tune over the top of her, because the fact that she reacts unreasonably can only be explained by dubbing her with the soundtrack of a film about an impetuous, crazed beast.

And that’s it.

Congratulations – you made it to Boot Camp, alongside this stupid bitch.

See you next week to see if the contestants can handle the grueling task of singing alongside only a piano, or will they succumb to the temptations of  beat-boxing to Simply Red instead? Only time will tell.

Oh, and we didn’t watch Xtra Factor. Why, did you?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Cher has a son. He’s called Chaz. Chaz used to be a girl, but now isn’t. And that’s fine because what he looks at when naked in the mirror doesn’t affect anyone but him or who he has sex with. Right? WRONG.

See, America – because it’s filled with judgemental Christian dickheads – completely believes that Chaz Bono’s genitalia it’s everyone business.

That’s why there’s a load of hooting fools all kicking off about Chaz’s appearance on Dancing With the Stars. WHAT WOULD JESUS SAY? You’d hope Jesus would have better things to do with his time than watching dreadful dancing competitions. And Cher? She’s not happy about it at all.

Chaz is the first transgender competitor on the dancing contest and as such, in the name of equality, look just as daft as everyone else in their hideous outfits while badly gyrating around a ballroom floor to some half-baked version of ‘Smooth’ by Carlos Santana.

And people are attacking Chaz with their words, spitting about how disgusting it is that someone who has taken presumably an agonising decision to realign their gender, should want to partake in a television programme.

It’s awful isn’t it?

And Cher has hit out against naysayers on twitter, saying:

“lovelies! Chaz is Being Viciously Attacked on Blogs & Message boards about being on DWTS!This is Still America right ? It took guts 2 do it

One group, who sound particularly lovely, called One Million Moms, who have a goal to fight the “filth many segments of our society, especially the entertainment media,” are urging people to

“Email ABC Network and let them know that we will not tolerate these subjects being forced into our homes.”

Didya hear that? The real tragedy here is that Americans are actively forced by their government to watch Dancing With The Stars. The off button refuses to work while it broadcasts and all channels are required by law to air it. There is no escape outside either, as the show itself is projected onto the sky for all to see.

Poor, poor Christian America. They’re forced to face a thing they simply refuse to understand based on the teachings of some Middle Eastern hippie with holes in his paws.

Good thing none of these Christians are fat, because last time we checked, gluttony was high on the list of sins.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Ryan Reynolds – man that is made entirely of gym instructions – and Charlize Theron – a woman designed to occupy thongs – have apparently been dating for months, and were both so simple minded (much like cows in a field) that they forgot to tell anyone… including themselves.

A source close to the pair has revealed to at least four people who were half-listening, that the pair are officially ‘in a relationship’, telling reporters: “They’re exclusive, and it’s very hush-hush.”

Presumably, even Charlize Theron doesn’t want to admit that she’s going steady with the man responsible for the dreadful, dreadful Green Lantern film.

Thus far, the couple have managed to dodge photographers, but this could once again be down to immense stupidity. Rumour has it that the pair stood before a window of Curry’s, waving at all the cameras and presuming that they were getting vital publicity for their dismal projects.

However, things soon came to a stop as they were both distracted by a balloon and ran-after it, trying to grab the sky with their stupid, stupid hands.

The source adds:

“They’re both career-focused, but not in a crazy way. [Theron] won’t go to an event with him. That’s not her style.”

This is down to Theron’s fear of red carpets, which she still believes are made entirely of rocking horse blood. Meanwhile, Reynolds is still in contact with his ex wife, Scarlett Johansson, because he didn’t understand what she meant when she told him ‘I don’t love you anymore’.

Next week: Reynolds and Theron are told that ice cubes are made from very cold water.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

It’s nice to know that, even though you’re widely regarded to be one of the most beautiful humans who ever walked this pathetic excuse of a planet, you can still be hugely flawed and make an idiot of yourself before someone you really, really fancy.

We’re talking about Scarlett Johansson and her besottery with Sean Penn, perhaps one of the most baffling celebrity hook-ups in a decade, what with him having a face like wrinkled elbow-scrag.

See, it appears that the romance between the Hollywood beaut and the wizened actor had to die because Scarlett was into Penn way too much, leaving him widening his eyes and mouthing ‘What the f…’

It seems that our Scarlett was “besotted” with Penn, who didn’t need all that in his life, especially given that Johansson’s divorce hasn’t even gone through yet.

After a five-month affair, the pair knocked the relationship on the head, leaving everyone with a palpable sense of balance being restored in The Force.

A source, speaking with absolutely zero authority on the matter, says:

“Sean is simply not ready for a long-term or very serious relationship, given it’s too soon since he and Robin [Wright] divorced. Scarlett’s intensity just scared him – which is kind of funny, given how intense Sean is”

So what kind of intensity are we talking about here?

Well, apparently Scarlett just decided that she’d move in with Penn in his Los Angeles mansion, which is presumably still full of his ex-wife’s stuff… not to mention the echoes of Sean Penn crying “JESUS WEPT! SHE’S MOVED IN! I’VE ONLY KNOWN HER FIVE MINUTES! Great rack though… so… er… ”

A source close to Sean says that the actor started to “totally freak out” when “a very emotionally needy” Scarlett moved in.

Wow. Not just us then. Brill.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

You may well think that Scarlett Johansson is the most beautiful woman you’ve even seen, which probably means that you think you don’t stand a chance of ever making out with her. Well you do, because she’s decided to tap a troll-faced Sean Penn. Repeatedly. While Barack Obama watches on.

That’s right mingers, Johansson has long been rumoured to be swapping fluids with Penn, despite the fact he could curdle the vapour in the air with his foul face.

And while in the presence of President Obama, Mila Kunis and Donald Trump, Scarlett decided to indulge in a spot of heavy petting with Penn at Saturday’s White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington, D.C. Honestly. They were like teenagers at a roller disco, all grunting and dribbles.

One eye witness, desperate to tell anyone in earshot about the people they’d seen with more talent that them, breathlessly panted:

“It happened right as the main course of the dinner was being put on the table”

“Scarlett was pawing at Sean, holding on to his hip while he was smoking. She gave him a short kiss. But then they took a walk some 30 feet away, broke off from the group and kissed some more.”

What were they doing?! Did Penn get to second or third base in a hedge? Did they slope off and buy cheap booze and promise to make each other mix tapes? DID SEAN PENN SEE SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S BRA?

“Around 1 a.m. Sean and Scarlett were side by side for the rest of the night. When they were walking out the door, Sean stopped her, took off his jacket and put it on her shoulders, saying, ‘It’s cold out there.’ They then grabbed hands and walked out before 3 a.m.”

You may think that is a selfless act of chivalry. You couldn’t be more wrong. The ‘jacket over the shoulder’ trick is celebrity code for sex. The coat is a metaphor for the sheath worn by those not wanting to ride bareback in the sheets, the exposed shoulder being the recipients willingness to receive such ‘gentlemanly activity’.

So basically, Sean Penn told the world that he was off for some hardcore action with that woman you fancy.

But why did Penn attend at meeting at The Hill with all those politicians? Well, in what could easily be more celebrity code, he said:

“I’m mostly here for Haiti, and I want to help bring some attention to that crisis.”

We can’t even imagine what that could mean. You’re not even listening are you. You’re still thinking of Scarlett Johansson’s boobs aren’t you?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

The imagined coalition of ‘The West’ has been uniformly sickened with scenes of whooping rebels, cheering the deaths of Americans in various terrorist attacks. See, The West has a moral highground on this one because, when we go around killing people, we get a note from our mum’s first (or, as they’re officially known, The United Nations).

And so, this weekend, the untimely death of Osama Bin Laden has seen pretty much everyone sit up and take note. Alas, in a mass display of pot meeting kettle and pointing out what colour it is, Americans have stood in the streets, cheering and whooping the death of a man.

Political analysts have been flooding us with conjecture and opinion, most pointing out that this isn’t a matter of killing the head so the body dies, rather, this is just the beginning of yet more faeces hitting the already caked fan. But sod those guys! What do our greatest minds – musicians – think about it all?

Green Day’s intelligent singer, Billie Joe Armstrong, who once sang on an album which featured monkeys throwing handfuls of shit around, warned:

“Do not turn the man into a martyr”

Too late. Same goes for the killing of Gaddafi’s recent losses. These recent scalps saw the typically cynical Chuck D (y’know, the guy from Public Enemy – no, not the one with the clock. That’s Flava Flav) sighing:

“USA is at it again , number one in the rankings of Killing Championships. Stealing the Gold in the Murder Olympics, and the crowd goes wild!”

The unfathomably popular Frank Turner quoted Mark Twain:

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

Of course, country musicians were typically patriotic.

Blake Shelton wrote:

“Sorry if this seems disrespectful but I’m so glad that piece of absolute s**t Osama is dead.”

However, all these people with brains don’t matter. We all need to know what 50 Cent thinks about the whole thing don’t we? Well, via twitter, he simply linked to this track. Not only is the song a piece of incredibly cynical opportunism, but it also contains a Charlie Sheen meme.

Listen for yourself… and let your jaw slowly hit the floor.

Agog.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

While Cher may have had a few unsightly blips in the timeline of her life – notably being an idiot with regards to her child’s transgenderness and, far far worse, the ‘Believe’ single – she’s absolutely bang on with her observations about Donald Trump.

Sadly, Cher hasn’t gone as far as pointing about that Trump’s haircut looks like it has been back-combed from his anus hairs, all the way up his back, and weaved together atop his elbow scrag head.

She has, however, taken to tweeting that Donald Trump is a “pompous asshole”. There really is no disputing that is there? Cher dated Gene Simmons from Kiss, so she knows a pompous asshole when she sees one. And this all came about after a segment of America decided to make itself look really rather racist.

If you’ve been avoiding the news, there’s a group of people in America who really don’t like the fact they’ve got a black, liberal president at the helm, trying to give the world some optimism after the horror that was George Dubya Bush. And instead of letting Barack Obama get on with his really very important job, they’ve made him dole out his birth certificate.

Why? Well, there’s a lot of idiots who look at Obama and think “Hell, he can’t be American! Look at him! He must have been born in Africa or something!” Even if he was, and got American citizenship later in his life, this isn’t good enough for some.

Because they’re monumentally stupid.

Either way, Obama’s birth certificate was released by the White House to shut these shit-fer-brains ‘birthers’ up (which of course, it won’t), so people don’t have to question the validity of his presidency again. And obviously, Donald Trump was one of the chattering pods who demanding to know if Obama was born in the USA.

Cher decided to stick up for the prez:

“Donald Trump is Pompous Asshole! Saw him in Aspen with one Dcup chick after another Everyone up there thought he was a complete idiot”

“Donald Trump (mr champter11) is Only a Mean Spirited BAD ACTOR who couldn’t find his ass with both hands & a map!”

There you have it. Don’t mess with Cher. She’s learned a lot of shade from her gay fans. Seriously. With any luck, she’ll make Donald Trump cry before the summer ends.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Sarah Palin is a fascinating creature. She’s managed to succeed in life by having little more than a will to rise to the top. Seriously. Very, very little more. She’s not smart, she isn’t a good diplomat but she is determined.

And soon, there’s a very good chance she’ll have the codes to blow the entire world up. Amazing. Think about it. A village idiot running the Western World, tottering up to diplomats from the Far East and saying things like “why do you guys squint all the time? Haven’t you got sunglasses over here?!”

It was only a matter of time before someone decided to make a film about Palin. She’s perfect for parody. And taking the role is Julianne Moore.

Moore will have to don some glasses, a ski-jacket and a blank, lifeless expression while chirruping “YOU BETCHA!” in a movie that will cover Palin’s 2008 presidential campaign.

The flick, made for TV of course (Palin may well be a staggering dolt but she’s not done enough to warrant an actual cinema release… yet. Give her another couple of years and we’ll be set) on HBO, will be called Game Change, which is based on the book of the same name by John Heilemann and Mark Halperin.

The book, amusingly, savages Palin, going into her wild mood swings, which have been describes our future leader of the universe as able to go into a ‘catatonic stupor’. According to the tome, senior figures in the McCain campaign actually wondered out loud that she was actually mentally unstable.

And this could provide some bleak, dark comedy from Moore’s portrayal of Palin The Nutter.

One describes scenes of Palin living in squalor, surrounded by mouldy food and stacks and stacks of endless index cards as she crammed up on policy and whatnot.

Of course, it goes without saying that Team Palin have dismissed the book’s allegations as inaccurate gossip (the best kind of gossip).

The chap making the show/film/thingy was behind Meet The Parents, so it is safe to assume that this document of Palin’s rise may not be a wholly serious one (because, in fairness, you couldn’t ever hope to take Palin wholly seriously, which ironically, is her most powerful weapon).

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

10 - If you don’t listen to this podcast before the end of the day, you are a helmet – Darkbeige.podbean

9 – The TV hat: sort of amazing, really - Watchwithmothers

8 - Mullets are illegal in Iran. Good. – AmyGrindhouse

7 - Oh go on then: here’s the world’s best ju-jitsu granny – Asylum

6 – We had a go on one of those magical Dyson Air Multiplier this weekend. Why aren’t these people bigger than Apple? – Dyson

5 - Expensive things being shot at by snipers. That’s probably all you need to know – Geekologie

4 - Want to know about the new Mad Men clothes? Of course you bloody do – Clothesonfilm

3 – Japanese Barack Obama. Possibly not offensive. Possibly quite offensive - Buzzfeed

2 – This is a dark day for competitive eating enthusiasts. A dark, sort of funny, day – TotalProSports

1 – Bears are invincible. OR ARE THEY?