9 - Here, have a pretty map of all 13,000 McDonalds branches in America – Geekologie

8 – What’s the highest level of smarm that you think Simon Cowell could ever achieve? Double it. Double it again. You’re still waaaay off – WWM

7 - Look, it’s a lovely teasmade - Interestment

6 – Paris Hilton staring at her own boobs with a sense of childlike wonder – AmyGrindhouse

5 – Courtney Love’s Twitter feed… DECODED! – PopEater

4 - Do you like Agas and polka dots? Well this is your lucky day! - Domesticsluttery

3 - Stuff about New Moon. Oh, pull yourself together - Popsugar

2 – Barack Obama and the Spanish goths – Bestweekever

1 – This is awesome, and you must watch it…

Sure, it may be grasping at straws to find fault with what he’s saying, and sure it may just be the kneejerk defensive reaction of a gamer wronged that we’re seeing – with the potential for some old-fashion INTERNET JUSTICE to be doled out.

But hey – we welcome reasons to dislike popular people.

Over the last few weeks President Obama has been mentioning games a bit in some of his speeches. While to the untrained eye/ear they may seem like a few innocuous and quite plausible statements of fact, to us with finely-honed aural receivers and optical… headsets… we can see it is yet another brutal attack from the mainstream.

They want to destroy gaming and make us all bored, or read celebrity news sites or something.

But thank Wolf for the Entertainment Consumer Association and their endless defence of the common gamer from the evils of this man who wants to give free healthcare to everyone (what a sod).

For they have stepped up to the plate and cried “NO!” to Obama’s statements where he pointed out that letting kids sit around all day watching TV and playing videogames isn’t going to help them in school.

Backing up this guttural roar, the ESA have launched a spam-campaign… sorry – “letter-writing campaign” to tell the prez how games are actually a force for all good in the world and that he shouldn’t ban them, as he’s clearly – CLEARLY – trying to do.

Hopefully it will stop him from saying such evil things as:

Parents, take your kids — they’re going to have fun, they’re going to be in sports camps, they’re going to be watching TV and playing video games. Once a week, take them down — whether it’s to a soup kitchen or to volunteer on a community project — teach them what it means to be a real citizen. You’ll find that actually the kids love it, and it’s going to make a lasting impression on them.

Or the ferocious outburst where he said:

To parents, we can’t tell our kids to do well in school and fail to support them when they get home. For our kids to excel, we must accept our own responsibilities. That means putting away the Xbox and putting our kids to bed at a reasonable hour. It means attending those parent-teacher conferences, reading to our kids, and helping them with their homework.

Since Jack Thompson buggered off people really have been grasping at straws as to who to slate, haven’t they? All Obama has said is that we should pay attention to what Kids These Days do, and not let them sit around all the time being big fat fatties.

Lest we forget though: the internet never loses a fight. Not even against the most powerful man in the world.

THIS WEEK: We decided we’ve had enough of this column and hecklerspray in general, and that we’re going to do a runner to Aruba with a seventeen-year-old cabin boy named Sven. As of next Monday, at least. Oh, we lost at FIFA 09 online a lot too, and scared people with our angry shouting.

Typical hecklerspray, always three weeks behind the Zeitgeist.

Anyway, shut up because this time it’s totally worth it. Remember that time when Barack Obama killed a fly like some sort of ninja? Here’s the game version of that. In Obama Vs Fly, you play the fly. All you need to do is sit on Obama’s hand and wait. Then, just as he’s about to strike, you fly off and foil him. Obama Vs Fly is basically a reaction game – keep your reaction time lower than his reaction time and you’ll always win – but it’s preposterously compelling nonetheless.

Play Obama Vs Fly now

We apologise to sensitive readers, who may have brought a little bit of acid up when reading that headline.

It’s true, though. It’s been revealed that the beefy Caledonian lady has turned down an invitation to attend a White House party thrown by the new President, while accepting an offer from Oprah Winfrey to appear on her show, alongside Simon Cowell. We’re guessing they’ll be discussing the merits of underwiring in bras, or something.

Susan Boil. The Hairy Angel. The Bearded Lady. The Big Lass. Big Fatty Shagless Spinster. The blogosphere can be cruel sometimes. Completely accurate, but cruel nonetheless.

And poor Susan Boyle never asked for all this attention. Yes, she chose to audition for Britain’s Got Talent, knowing that Simon Cowell would henceforth own her voice, her name, and her massive collection of Staffordshire pottery statuettes of kittens peeking out of old boots. But still, she couldn’t have known quite how bonkers the world’s response to her not-too-bad singing would be.

And it could all even be for naught, as a child and a Frankenstein impersonator have arrived on the scene to try and wrestle the ‘Aah, look at that. And it can sing’ votes from Susan’s strong, meaty fingers.

It all seems to have gone to her head a bit, though. First, she went and got a trendy haircut, the likes of which won’t be seen in Scotland for another 30 years. And now she’s so drunk with the power of celebrity she’s only gone and snubbed the US President, Barack Obama. With an attitude like that, she’ll no doubt soon be wandering round the BGT studio shouting ‘Ah-Da-Da-Da-Da’ at the lighting crew.

What could have caused her to turn down an offer of dinner with the leader of the world? Nerves? Chronic flatulence? A comb got tangled in her eyebrows and now she’s waiting for new hair growth to release it? Almost certainly that one, although she’s going with the nerves thing as a cover story. A source has told The News of the World:

“She was shocked and thrilled by the invite – but it was all too much too soon for her, so she said no. She’ll have no doubt stayed in with her cat Pebbles, washed her hair and watched Britain’s Got Talent on telly.”

We don’t think the source meant that Susan spent the night washing her cat’s hair, but we imagine she would have at least had a couple of hours picking fleas off the beast, and popping them into her mouth.

Anyway, Barrack Obama is going to be pretty displeased to hear that Susan Boyle has managed to fit an appearance on the Oprah show into her busy schedule of eyebrow combing and manual cat defleaing. She’ll be on today, in a special edition called The World’s Got Talent, also featuring Simon Cowell and several Boylesque unknowns from around the planet. The Daily Mail tells us that:

Oprah’s production crew spent time with Susan at her home in Blackburn, Scotland, on Tuesday. The unemployed 47-year-old gave the crew a tour of her modest home.

A bit like MTV’s Cribs, though we presume there were fewer blunts and bongs to hastily throw into cupboards than when Snoop Dogg did his.

So Susan Boyle, who looks a lot like Stan Laurel in a fright wig, has achieved total world dominance: the US president and the undisputed heavyweight champion of chat are both fans. How best to mark this lady’s rise to global fame?

Ah, of course: by painting a picture of her singing for Obama, who is listening through ‘pancake amplification‘. We leave it to psychotic and probably certifiable American artist, Dan Lacey, to explain:

“My name is Dan Lacey. I used to draw a cartoon called Faithmouse, but now I paint people with pancakes on their heads and a continuing series of images featuring Barack Obama Nude On A Unicorn. I live in Minnesota.”

Oh, you terrible crazy, you. Minnesota’s shit.

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Although the US election had its fair share of weird celebrity moments, one moment stood out more than any other.

We’re talking about you, Kal Penn. In the run-up to the election, Kal Penn was everywhere – making speeches, appearing at inaugural balls, blithering about politics on his blog – even though he’s only famous for being fellated by a giant bag of weed in a film.

Anyway, now Kal Penn has quit acting to become an associate director at the Office of Public Liaison for the Obama administration. Next week, Eva Longoria takes control of the nuclear football and everybody dies.

Like it or not, celebrities played a huge part in getting Barack Obama elected as the American president. Whereas the other guy only really had the support of that gonk from The Hills and about 12 boss-eyed country singers, famous people were queuing up to help Barack Obama out, whether it was by offering intelligent rebuttals of Sarah Palin’s policies or by making videos so awful that it made you want to vote Obama just to shut them up or by spinning around in their garden like a lobotomy patient.

And Barack Obama hasn’t forgotten this help, which is why he’s now decided to start hiring these celebrities one at a time. And first on the list is Kal Penn.

Oh, you know, Kal Penn. Kal Penn from Harold And Kumar. Kal Penn from Epic Movie. Kal Penn who played an identikit fundamentalist Islamic terrorist for about 30 seconds in 24 a few years ago. You know him. He’s a big star. You know, if you like that sort of thing.

During Barack Obama’s election, Kal Penn was always on hand to raise a number of important questions – primarily “What’s Kal Penn doing on my TV?” and “Since when have we been supposed to care what Kal Penn thinks about crap?” – and in return he’s decided to quit acting to pursue a career as a very important part of Brack Obama’s administration. The LA Times reports:

The actor has been hired as an associate director at the Office of Public Liaison, where he will help the Obama administration connect with arts and entertainment groups as well as the Asian and Pacific Islander communities, according to an Associated Press report… Penn stated that he will “do outreach with the American public and with different organizations.”

An associate director at the Office of Public Liason. Wow. That’s an important job. Who knew so many words would have such little meaning when put together. But good for Kal Penn – if he keeps his head down and works hard enough, one day he might even reach the glittering heights of senior associate inter-coordination analyst for systems and planning! Shoot for the moon, Kal Penn! Shoot for the moon!

Oh, we’re being unfairly harsh on Kal Penn here. If anything, this is just the same as when Arnold Schwarzenegger took his first careful footsteps into the world of politics. Except, you know, people actually knew who Arnold Schwarzenegger was.

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9 – Barack Obama. Beatboxing – I Am Bored

8 - PETA: is really the sort of magic that you want to ban? - Bestweekever

7 - Know who’s going to make the Canadian army mighty again? Yoda – Globeandmail

6 - Statistically you probably spent your Valentine’s Day silently sitting in restaurant glowering at a person you resent. Not like any of these romantic sods – BuddyTV

5 - Like Spoon? Well tough, because their next album isn’t coming out for AGES – Texasmonthly

4 – We’re moving to India. Drinking fizzy cow piss is encouraged there. Not like it is here, miserable farmer gits – News

3 - Man invents toy that will one day rise up and kill us - TED

2 - Lesson of the day: never put an airgun up someone’s bottom and fire it – Austriantimes

1 - Oh, go on then. It’s Monday, so here’s a video of a cat playing the piano – YouTube

9 – Christian Bale: the Stephen Colbert response – Comedycentral

8 - Guitar Hero players: you will never, ever be as good as this 14-year-old boy – NYT

7 - Futurama voice actors at work - YouTube

6 - A picture of a live cow that was struck by lightning? Why certainly – Dailymail

5 - A request from Stuart Heritage: please click on this link to my dad’s flycasting blog so that all the traffic freaks him out – Michaelheritage

4 - That awful ‘25 things about me’ Facebook meme gets mentioned in TIME. TIME, for christ’s sake. We’re all doomed - TIME

3 - Warner Bros want to make five more Batman films, the idiots – /film

2 - For the hell of it, here’s Barack Obama swearing. A lot – Thatjohnzillasite

1 - Possibly the best thing ever – a Russian anti-Coke calendar - Englishrussia

We’ve never seen nipple work like it. But while Barack Obama and the rest of the world were enchanted by Beyonce’s flawless rendition, one person wasn’t so keen – Etta James, the original performer of the song and the woman Beyonce played in Cadillac Records.

Apparently Etta James was so infuriated by the performance that she told a concert audience that Beyonce’s “gonna get her ass whupped.” Unlikely – Etta James is an old woman, and whupping an ass of Beyonce’s size would exhaust a professional cage fighter.

As far as intergenerational celebrity spats go, this is probably the best week of all time. Today we had Stephen King vs Stephenie Meyer, yesterday we had Hilary Duff vs Faye Dunaway and the day before that we had Christian Bale vs THE ENTIRE WORLD.

But before we start looking forward to tomorrow, when we hear that the entire cast of Gossip Girl is going to attack Elaine Stritch with hammers, we should tell you about yet another celebrity spat that’s flared up – Beyonce vs Etta James.

Beyonce and Etta James first started circling each other when it was revealed that Beyonce would be playing Etta in that Cadillac Records film that nobody saw. And it was a nice, mutually-exclusive relationship – Beyonce could star in a film that she could kid herself was Oscar-worthy while Etta James could be rediscovered by the six or so people who actually went to see the film – but then came Barack Obama’s inauguration, and that’s when things went tits up.

For whatever reason – we’re guessing it’s because she owned a dress that made her nipples look bigger than anyone else’s – Barack Obama chose Beyonce to perform At Last at his inauguration ball over Etta James. And that sent Etta James into enough of a meltdown to screech this at a concert audience in Seattle last week:

“You guys know your president, right? The one with the big ears? He ain’t my president. He might be yours… that woman he had singing for him…she’s gonna get her ass whupped. The great Beyonce…I can’t stand Beyonce.”

No, really, she did. Here’s the audio of it…

Genius. But, of course, this is just water off a duck’s back to Beyonce – Etta James is by no means the first veteran soul singer to round on her. Just last year Aretha Franklin got the hump with Beyonce for calling someone else ‘the queen’ instead of her. And where’s Aretha Franklin now, huh? She’s just a fat lady in a ridiculous hat.

Still, though, we can’t help but wish that this Beyonce/Etta James catfight had happened before Cadillac Records finished filming. After all, would you have gone to see a film where Beyonce plays a woman who grows up and comes to violently resent Beyonce, with an ending where Etta James Beyonce and Beyonce Beyonce have a Matrix-style battle on the roof of a burning building?

Shut up. Of course you bloody would.

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9 – A bunch of pictures that you can email to your friends because you think it’ll make them like you more, when actually the exact opposite is true – Cracked

8 - An advert for liquorish allsorts that contains just about every objectionable micro-celeb on Earth – YouTube

7 - Ten things we can all agree that Lost is never going to explain to us, the sods - Unrealitymag

6 - Speaking of which, here’s the new Lost theme-tune – Collegehumour

5 – Barack Obama in an advert for liquid poo. We can’t even begin to list the amount of ways that this is offensive - I Am Bored

4 - Want to make beer-flavoured meat sauce? OK! – Instructables

3 - Which is better – to die of starvation or to eat bird vomit? This man says the latter. He is wrong – Yahoo

2 - Here’s William Shatner singing a song about taxis – Bedazzled

1 - To Mum, this is the film that your Christmas calendar is based on. Thanks us later - Kontraband

Obama is inheriting a country that’s in its worst state for decades, and the wave of expectation which took him to the White House is so perilously high that he’s bound to disappoint great swathes of those who voted him in. Before too long, Barack Obama is going to need a friend.

And a friend is what he’s got in Eva Longoria, who’s pledged to plant 500 trees on hs behalf. So that’ll be a great big bloody weight off his mind, then.

You may think that today’s inauguration of Barack Obama belongs to him and him alone, but you’re wrong. You may also think that the inauguration belongs to the people of the world who’ve watched the last eight years pass by with an impotent sense of escalating frustration. But you’d be wrong again.

No, today’s inauguration of Barack Obama belongs to just one group – celebrities.

Seriously, we mean it. Celebrities got Barack Obama elected as president. If it wasn’t for them and their fundraising concerts, berserk little garden-based rants and slightly cringeworthy right-on internet videos, you know where we’d be today? Nazi Germany, that’s bloody where. And that’s FACT.

But just because celebrities voted Barack Obama in, don’t you think for a second that they’re just going to abandon him in his ivory tower now that they’ve got him there. The rich and famous of America are going to do everything in their power to help President Obama out whenever they can, whether it’s by singing a song for his daughters or by taking part in something called the Presidential Pledge, whatever that is.

Oh, alright, we know exactly what the Presidential Pledge is – it’s a scheme invented by Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore to get their famous friends to show how much they love Barack Obama by making a promise that they’ll inevitably pay someone else to carry out for them. They even made a video about it. Warning, what you’re about to watch may just be the most terrifying thing you will ever see…

It’s interesting to see the different pledges of different celebrities, isn’t it? As well as Eva Longoria pledging to plant 500 trees and Demi Moore pledging to free a million slaves in five years, it was nice to see Eva Mendes promise to drink less bottled water, and that woman we don’t recognise promising to integrate her heart into her face, or whatever it was she said. We don’t want to watch it again.

However, we want to single out special praise for two celebrities. First is Cameron Diaz, who has promised to smile at her neighbours more than she currently does. OK, it isn’t freeing a million slaves, but we suppose it’s a start.

Secondly, Ashlee Simpson has pledged to be ‘a great mother’. So it’s a good thing that Barack Obama was voted as president, really, because if the other chap got in Ashlee was going to be a deliberately shit mother who fed handfuls of drawing pins to her baby and kicked it down the stairs wherever she could.

Celebrities, we don’t know where we’d be without you. We mean that.

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But who cares? More important is the song that will accompany President Obama’s very first dance on inauguration day. And, since you asked – it’s Beyonce singing At Last from her movie Cadillac Records.

It’s fortunate that Cadillac Records was Beyonce’s most recent movie – had Barack Obama’s inauguration happened three months later, Beyonce would have been forced to sing something from her upcoming Fatal Attraction rip-off movie, perhaps Stop Boning My Man or the whimsical I’ll Kill You, You Bitch (I’ll Kill You).

Beyonce has had some big moments in her life – she’s famous enough to start fights with Aretha Franklin and fall down some stairs onto her face – but nothing she’s ever done will prepare her for her job tomorrow. Because tomorrow Beyonce sings for the president.

You see, even though tomorrow marks the day that Barack Obama inherits the worst financial crisis since the Depression, countless pointless wars all over the world, a globally-resented country that’s quickly being overtaken by China economically and – worst of all – a contractual obligation to attend a Jonas Brothers concert, he’s putting a brave face on his inauguration.

And that’s because, regardless of what other catastrophes befall him in the next four years, at least Barack Obama gets to choose which song he gets to dance to first as president. And that song is At Last by Etta James.

Or, to be more specific, At Last by Etta James by Beyonce. You see, Beyonce’s last movie was Cadillac Records where she played Etta James. And, although Etta James is alive and well enough to perform At Last herself at the inauguration, she’s a bit old and fat these days – and having an old fat lady singing while Barack Obama has his first dance as president would completely send the wrong message to the world. So a younger, less talented Etta James facsimile with a nicer bottom it is. AP reports:

In a statement, Beyonce said: “I am so honored that I will be performing for President Obama and the first lady. To sing `At Last’ while they have their first dance is a dream come true. I could not be more honored and excited that they have asked me to be part of this moment in history.”

Actually, despite our teasing we’re thrilled for Beyonce. Performing the song that Barack Obama will dance to first as president means that Beyonce will now join the ranks of the immortal. It doesn’t matter what else she achieves in her career, by doing this Beyonce knows that her name will now live on forever as the answer to a low-scoring pub quiz question. Bravo, Beyonce. Bravo.

But just because Beyonce is singing a landmark song for potentially one of the best-loved presidents in history, it doesn’t mean that the other members of Destiny’s Child have been forgotten about. They’re also going to be performing a very important role at the inauguration day ball – seriously, those coats will never be checked more efficiently.

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We can’t breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early – we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream “ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!” at him during Lovebug!

Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who’s like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly – THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!

We should all be grateful that Barack Obama was voted as the next president of America, you know, because the inauguration parties are just going to be so much better.

We mean it. Do you know what the inauguration party would have involved if John McCain had been voted as president? Four hours of borderline-racist country music and a halfhearted rendition of Overdosin’ by Heidi Montag, that’s what.

But Barack Obama? His inauguration party is going to rule. Every single celebrity on the planet, from Diddy to Matt Damon to Pamela Anderson, wanted Barack Obama to be president – and even a few non-celebrities too (hello Meg Ryan!) – and, by the look of it, they’re all going to be playing shows to mark Obama’s first day.

So far Jay-Z, The Beastie Boys, Mary J Blige, Beyonce, Shakira, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, TI, Bruce Springsteen, U2, Usher, Nelly, T-Pain, Rufus Wainwright, Maroon 5, Rihanna, the surviving members of The Beatles, Mozart’s brain in a jar and the man who invented the Birdseye Potato Waffle television jingle are all going to be playing inauguration shows in Washington for Barack Obama. But that raises just one question – what about the kids?

What about the kids indeed. Just because they’re too young to be a part of – or even fully understand – the process of democracy, the children of America need to celebrate Obama’s victory as well, because they are the future of America. They are the future of America and they need to be given a dedicated show that’ll commemorate that fact in as lofty and momentous terms as can be humanly possible.

Or, failing that, The Jonas Brothers will just wiggle their hair at them until they start involuntarily urinating down themselves. People reports:

The Presidential Inaugural Committee announced Tuesday that the pop-rock trio will headline the Kids’ Inaugural: We Are the Future concert, which honors military families, on Jan. 19 at the Verizon Center. The Jonas Brothers will perform along with Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray, Bow-Wow and Demi Lovato during a kid-friendly show hosted by Michelle Obama.

In many ways, The Jonas Brothers performing a show to mark the inauguration of President Obama is a genius idea – it’s a touching gesture to the generation that will now look to Malia and Sasha Obama as role-models. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are playing this show because they’re Malia and Sasha’s second-favourite band. Their first-favourite band – Swedish black metal combo Satanic Slaughter – unfortunately had prior commitments.

However, at least by playing this concert The Jonas Brothers are marking their place in history. Now, when future generations ask you “Do you remember when the first African-American president was appointed into office?” you can reply “Yes I do. It was the day after that concert that was so awful it made me want to take my own life.” Happy days.

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9 - Scientists say that big arses are healthy. J-Lo’s inauguration as He-Man to take place this afternoon – News

8 - Here’s a song by a man who writes one a day - Ericstromsdailysong

7 – A list of pretty celebrity Twitter users who are about to have their lives ruined by weirdo stalker types – COEDmagazine

6 - The article doesn’t mention it, but the new love spray is made entirely out of hecklerspray’s spit – Telegraph

5 – Oh Johnny Cage, you crazy old violent misogynist - Wonderhowto

4 - Excellent. The banks get a bailout, the car industry gets a bailout – so why not the porno industry? – TMZ

3 - A monkey forcing itself on a goat. NSFW and actually pretty grotty once you realise what’s going on - I Am Bored

2 - Turns out after four years in office Barack Obama is going to look just like Gordon Ramsay - CNN

1 - Microwaved CDs are cool. But we didn’t tell you that, OK? – Mycrazytown

Those days are long gone now – in less than a fortnight Barack Obama will become President Obama and the world’s celebrities can go back to concentrating on the important stuff, like skipping meals and starring in films about hilarious doggies.

That’s unless you’re Anne Hathaway. Anne Hathaway has decided to become a one-woman vetting committee determined not to let Barack Obama off the hook for anything. And she’ll chase answers with all the power that her gigantic face can summon.

This is just a stab in the dark, but we’re guessing that Anne Hathaway probably has one or two man issues at the moment. She’s let men into her life before, and she was so blinded by their charisma and charm that she didn’t notice they were sneaking away to rip off loads of old ladies by dressing up as the Pope and asking for all their money behind her back.

Fool Anne Hathaway once, though, shame on you. But fool her and she can’t get fooled again. And that’s why Anne Hathaway is determined not to let another man get close to her unless he earns her trust completely. And that’s as true for imminent American presidents as it is for squat little European men with funny voices and a bishop’s mitre stashed in their filing cabinet.

During last year’s endless American election, the celebrity reaction was fairly universal - John McCain and Sarah Palin were so terrifying that all they could do was film themselves spinning around in their garden spouting gibberish, while Barack Obama was such a glowing beacon of hope that their awe of him could only be expressed via toe-curlingly awful songs.

So, in the run-up to Barack Obama’s inauguration, you’d expect nothing but undying support and the odd breakout of gormless whooping among the celebrity community, but not so – Anne Hathaway has decided to take a stand against Obama’s decision to let tubby evangelist nutjob Rick Warren do his invocation during the ceremony.

Taking time out from her promotional tour of Bride Wars – which is a Kate Hudson movie so presumably she’s playing Matthew McConaughey – Anne Hathaway told E! Online:

“I expect him to explain that choice of Rick Warren. I don’t get it. All my friends and I were trying to figure it out, but we just can’t. So I’d love that.”

Good for Anne Hathaway, we say – politicians shouldn’t lose accountability just because Matt Damon happens to like them. In fact, we’re so impressed by Anne’s dogged pursuit for political transparency that we’d like her to go into politics full time. Actually, to be more accurate, we’d like her to go into the study of special and general relativity full time until she’s able to build a time machine, unmake Bride Wars and Get Smart and then go into into politics. Shouldn’t be too tricky.

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In what’s being seen as a clever move to remind them that they’re not as important as they think they are, Barack Obama’s two daughters have been invited to meet the one man on earth who’s more powerful than their own father – Billy Ray Cyrus.

Billy Ray Cyrus has invited Malia and Sasha Obama to visit the set of Hannah Montana, and he’s positive that they’ll accept. After all, Sasha Obama is only a few ears away from reaching that important ‘taking photos of yourself in your underwear and plastering them all over the internet’ phase of her childhood and, by meeting Miley Cyrus, she’ll be getting tips from a veteran.

Now that Malia and Sasha Obama are the first children of America, it’s time they started to embody the character of the country they now internationally represent. That means that one of them has to pose on the front of a glossy magazine in a sexually-provocative way, the other one will have to find a much older boyfriend with a wildly inappropriate job, and if they could also both post candid photos of themselves on the internet and/or get pregnant from a boy they met in church while they’re still at school, then that’d be just dandy.

That’s a lot to ask for the Obama kids, we know – just a few months ago it became clear they were only at the ‘adorably talking about ice cream‘ stage of their development, and that’s no good at all. What Barack Obama’s daughters need is a lesson from an expert in uncomfortably-sexualised teenagers, and there’s no greater expert than Miley Cyrus.

So it’s just as well that Miley Cyrus and her father Billy Ray Cyrus have decided to do the decent thing and invite Malia and Sasha Obama to the set of Hannah Montana, as MSNBC reports:

Billy Ray Cyrus told Access Hollywood that “Hannah” might get a visit from future first daughters Malia and Sasha Obama. “They probably will. The invitation is there,” Miley’s dad said. “The ‘Hannah Montana’ film comes out in April. Maybe something might happen around then. Maybe not. I don’t know… I have got to keep a secret.”

Reading that statement back, the message is loud and clear – there’s a Hannah Montana movie coming out in April. Also, something about Barack Obama. We lost concentration at that point. A Hannah Montana movie! Woo!

Should they accept the invitation, we’re sure that Malia and Sasha Obama will feel right at home. After all, both Miley Cyrus and the Obama kids now live in a fishbowl – figuratively in Miley’s case and, for the Obamas, a literal five-inch thick bulletproof fishbowl issued by the secret service.

Also, while Malia and Sasha’s father is now the leader of the free world, Miley’s dad has facial hair that makes his mouth look like a vagina. We could go on.

However, we’re sure that the Hannah Montana visit will be completely beneficial for the Obama children. If nothing else, once it’s over they’ll be completely proficient at worming money out of tired old institutions. What more could they possibly ask for?

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