Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
In the new song, “Open Letter,” Jay-Z?reminds the world that he is not to be fucked with. The song specifically slams?the politicians who'speculated about the legality of Jay’s recent trip to Cuba as well as those who question the legitimacy of his new sports management company?… but?leaves room enough to?make it clear to?anyone … and everyone …?exactly who’s in charge.
Do not challenge this man. He has the means, the talent,?and the balls to stand up and fight.
We’re just mere hours away from the most important day in the United States of America: election day. And of course, there have been screeds – miles of newspaper reports – written about the economic, social, war and foreign policies of the two presidential candidates.
But nowadays no-one gives a shit about that. We’re a celebrity-driven culture. You’re reading HecklerSpray. You want to know who to? vote for not on the basis of the candidates’ positions, but on their celebrity endorsers. Who’s endosring Barack Obama, and who’s for Mitt Romney? Think of it like Celebrity Deathmatch: Politics Edition.
Did you guys know that Madonna is like, so cool? Look at this picture up here? She’s decorating her back with a message of support for Barack Obama, and, like, you know, she ironically said that Barack Obama is a Muslim. The problem is her funny joke wasn’t so funny, because she’s not a comedian, and people are stupid. Some people thought that was serious.
She then had to apologise afterwards. “I was being ironic on stage,” she said. “Yes, I know Obama is not a Muslim ? though I know that plenty of people in this country think he is. And what if he were?” (Quick tip: if you have to point out your irony afterwards, you’re not doing it right. It’d be like me making a joke, you not getting it, then me painstakingly running you through why the joke is funny after.)
When Sean Penn’s not being pestered by Scarlett Johansson on the rebound, he’s being all philanthropic and all that jive. Of course, having a political persuasion means you’ll rub some people up the wrong way and they shout at you.
Mercifully for Sean Penn, he’s a grade-a bitch. He has put-downs that could almost match the output of a drag queen convention.
And who found this out at their cost? Why, if it wasn’t a co-star of his who accused Penn of being a Communist. What fun!
Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.
But now, ?The Donald,? as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.
Yes folks, it’s not a festive edition of The Tumblr Trawler and let us tell you why not; Christmas is rubbish. It’s especially rubbish when it comes to memes. Still, here’s this week’s trawl through the briney depths.
5. Replace Face: Want to see what Jason Statham, Danny Trejo & Donald Trump would look like as Russian Generals? Well, we would like to draw your attention to Replace Face.
4. OMG CATS IN SPACE: Is this really, really worth clicking on? We know you like cats and everything but do you really, really want to see a load of cats out in the blackness of space? OF COURSE YOU DO!
Scarlett Johansson’s boobs. She showed them off to us by accident didn’t she? That’s probably the thing she’ll be remembered for when she dies. Boobs, oh and she did some films. Better to be remembered for titties than forgotten entirely, right?
Either way, we’re not here to talk about breasts all day. We’re talking marriage. Pull up a seat. Let’s get deep.
See, Scarlett is under the assumption that marrying Ryan Reynolds was one of the best decisions she ever made. She split with him after two years and made one of the most annoying perfume adverts in history. But it was still totally the best thing she ever did. Ryan Reynolds. Think about that.
Russia and America haven’t ever really got along have they? They’re both giganto land-masses that just love antagonising each other with spies, wars and lousy impressions of each others accents.
At least the news is always impartial, eh?
Like hell. Have you seen Fox News? And Fox & Co (not a Top of the Pops dance troupe, sadly) have got competition in the form of Tatiana Limanova who made her feelings on Barack Obama perfectly clear in a news bulletin.
Did you know that Barack Obama is the antichrist? Did you have any idea? Must be something to do with his Middle Eastern sounding name.
So thank Godly Godlington that Christians are on-hand to point out that Obama is some kind of lousy, Middle Eastern infidel who…
…hang on a minute. Wasn’t Jesus from Palestine or something? So what’s this mad Christian doing heckling Obama during a press conference then? See the video over the jump to see how daft America is.
On Sunday, we witnessed what came to be the last programme documenting the audition process of the underrated, revolutionary post-feminist Space Opera?series “The X Factor 2011”.
Hear that over there? That's Ewan Mcgregor singing Your Song in a melancholic manner with an umbrella. See that over in the other direction? That's your inescapable loneliness.
But put all that heroin and selection of complimentary bath salts to the side for one moment! Those headaches are probably nothing to worry about after all. Let’s just kick back, and remember all the classic moments of the past few weeks instead. Remember when a woman told Tulisa how it was all HER opinion, and then on top of that, that other thing happened as well? Sometimes the path to creating amazing music is hard. Just ask Brian Wilson or David Sneddon. Or both! They’re probably sitting together on the same park bench somewhere, trying to feed Hula Hoop packets to pissed off swans.
