banned - HecklerSpray

Nicki Minaj Sees ‘Stupid Hoe’ Banned For Being Deeply, Intensely Irritating

February 2nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Nicki Minaj is a woman on a mission. Her mission is to become the most gifted, yet irritatingly wasteful popstar who ever lived. Her guest-raps have been a thing of wonderful, but when it comes to her own back-catalogue, she’s determined to make the most annoying pop music ever made.

Seriously. She’s taken Daphne & Celeste’s blueprint and cracked it to 11 and added some push-up bras and kooky wigs.

And now, her latest offering – ‘Stupid Hoe’ – is getting banned by everyone because it is so very, very grating. Fancy a listen? Click over…

Adele?s New Boyfriend Quite Possibly Married To Someone Else

January 19th, 2012 By hecklerspray staff

The Queen of New Boring has come under attack for having the temerity to get all pelvic and grunty with a man who might not be entirely divorced from his estranged wife.

As if it wasn?t enough that she can't get through a day without a million more people buying her album, she's had to take to her blog (which is a step up from taking to Twitter, at least) to tell everyone that

a) he's not married and b) it's none of their goddamn business.

Adele In Cancelled American Tour Rider Shocker!

December 8th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

You might not enjoy the music of Adele, but when award season rolls round, she won't have enough room in her bathroom to show them all off. With six Grammy nominations and probable Brit nods, she's likely to sweep the board.

You can't escape Adele?s music due to her success, and so, an extensive tour was always on the cards.

However, major chunks of the gig schedule were thrown into chaos when her voice took a turn for the worst. We imagine that punters wouldn't want to see her sing through a robotic voice emulator on an iPhone. It might ruin a subtle ballad if she sounded like a Smash robot.

Doctor Announces That, Regrettably, Adele’s Throat Surgery Has Been A Success

November 9th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Adele, the most successful British singer since the last British singer did well in the United States of America, has been having problems with that throat of hers. Mainly, the terrible singing that emits from it.

Sadly for Adele’s bank manager, she’s been cancelling gigs left, right and centre because there’s something wrong with her.

As such, she’s had to had surgery on her throat. THERE IS A CHANCE SHE’LL NEVER SING AGAIN! JUST IMAGINE!

Whitney Houston Just Wants To Die On A Plane

October 14th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You have to hand it to Whitney Houston – she’s really great at being a mental famous person. While you have to acknowledge the power of her lungs, we all know damn well that she’s remembered for (alleged) crack cocaine use, throwing tantrums and being in a lousy relationship with Bobby Brown.

Oh, and that bit in the ‘I Will Always Love You‘ video where it looks like she’s taking a dump in the snow as the key-change kicks in.

So which one is she doing now? Well, it involves an aeroplane and a clear will to die.

James Corden Does His Best Adele Impression; Still Doesn’t Make People Hate Someone Like You

October 5th, 2011 By Robin Darke

Some people hate James Corden. They want the ground to break open and swallow him right up, with all the ?stupid? ?comedy? things that he says. His amiable, cheeky chappy demeanour just rubs people up such the wrong way that not only would they not piss on him if he was on fire, but they would probably light sparklers on his burning corpse and start a carnival.

Imagine the things you'd see. The sights and sounds of burning fat spitting on possibly e.coli contaminated hotdogs. Lovely.

Whereas on the other side of the coin, there's people who adore the ground that he walks on and will happily tune into whatever he does. These people would probably not piss on him if he was on fire. They would probably phone the fire brigade and stand idly by and bite their nails waiting for Dennis the Fire Engine to turn up. Maybe taking a picture and uploading it to Twitter, or that fancy new Google Plus. Technological mavens that they are.

Us, well we wouldn't say one way or another how we feel about James Corden. You don't come to Hecklerspray for angry reactionary prose about things. Imagine, right? Right.

Adele Releases Video For Someone Like You, Which You’re Already Sick Of Hearing

September 30th, 2011 By hecklerspray staff

Imagine just for a second that you're Adele. You wake up to the contractual Lazy Susan of creamed pastries and important news.

As you separate your breasts from clapping together when you roll over to the eclair sideboard, you hear that someone on the X Factor is totally stealing your shtick and that song that you've rammed down so many throats that the Nation doesn't have a gag reflex anymore? Well the video is out. You?d probably have a celebratory glass of whole cream as you sit down to watch it.

Aaaaaaaaaaand, end scene. Well done everyone. Take five and grab something from the green room.

Adele: Banned In Ireland (No Stairway)

September 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Adele seems to split people into two camps. The first is the Oooh! She’s like a proper singer! She’s not like those thin, manufactured ones! She’s a proper soul singer! She’s a real person! The other is the She Makes Really Boring Records And I Just Don’t Get The Fuss camp.

Of course, there’s a third group which sneer I Don’t Have Anything To Do With Popular Culture Because I Do My Own Thing And Feel Vastly Superior And Simultaneously Ostracised By It, but the less said about those bores the better.

However, there’s a fourth camp now. They’re called the Gah! We’re So Bored Of Hearing The Same Song That We’ve Actually Banned It. Let us explain.

Prince Terrified Of Revealing True Identity So Throws David Arquette Out Of Concert

June 8th, 2011 By Michael Park

Former husband 0f Courtney Cox and alleged actor David?Arquette was thrown out of a Prince concert recently for committing the heinous crime of taking photos of ‘The Artist’ in his true, lizard form.

The singer has a notorious ‘no photography’ rule at his shows designed to protect him from the damage his reputation could take if the wider public was to see him in his true form.

However, Arquette managed to get his silly self into an altercation with security at the singer’s ‘Welcome 2 America’ shows at the Los Angeles Forum when a young boy flouted the singer’s no photography rule. The real pain of Arquette’s story is that this ‘altercation’ came straight after Prince had told the crowd they were allowed to take pictures.

Nazi Lars Von Trier Gets Cannes Ban

May 19th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! You! Don’t make jokes that you’re a Nazi! Okay? Why? Well, everyone will think you’re some Jew hating swine and, as conspiracy theorists will feverishly tell you, they rule the entire world. Just make jokes about being a sex offender instead, as that has the required ‘edge’ to make simpletons laugh.

Falling foul of the whole ‘I’m a Nazi’ joke is director Lars von Trier who is now persona non grata at the Cannes Film Festival.

See, while at a press conference promoting his new film Melancholia, Lars japed that he was a Jew and a Nazi, with stars of the flick, Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg, looking on in apparent disbelief. With the latter, that’s particularly difficult to imagine bearing in mind that her father, the brilliant Serge, drunkenly said rude words on a chat show to Whitney Houston and once made a dodgy song called ‘Lemon Incest’ which featured a shirtless Charlotte who, being twelve at the time, sang ambiguous lyrics about the sex between an adult and a child.