Anyway, We’re only telling you this because Nicolas Cage’s new film Bangkok Dangerous is number one at the US weekend box office this week, taking in a mighty seven million dollars. Look, that figure might be 22 times less than The Dark Knight took on its opening weekend, but did The Dark Knight feature a skinny man in a funny wig shooting people in a boat? No, no it didn’t. Point proved.

Bangkok Dangerous‘ weekend box office success makes us think that all Asian movies would do well if they were remade starring Nicolas Cage. Imagine Nicolas Cage eating a live octopus in an Old Boy remake. Or Nicolas Cage kicking over cities in a Godzilla remake. Or a remake of The Ring where Nicolas Cage crawls out of a TV and scares Nicolas Cage to death and Nicolas Cage has to investigate it. Yes!

Bangkok Dangerous is the top movie at the weekend box office – and it’s not particularly surprising, given moviegoers’ love for horrible wigs, violent assassinations, generic action thrills and Nicolas Cage patronising the Asians. Maybe if Babylon AD had got Vin Diesel to overpronounce the word ‘holiday’ to a confused elderly man from South-East Asia, that would topped the weekend box office too. Here’s the US weekend box office top five:

1 – Bangkok Dangerous (Another reason why Bangkok Dangerous succeeded was because of the ‘location description’ formula of its title. Bangkok really is dangerous, you see. It’s not a formula that would work in this country, though – would you go and watch Sutton Coldfield Underwhelming? Of course you wouldn’t. Not even if it had Nicolas Cage with a girl’s haircut in it) $7,800,000

2 - Tropic Thunder (Thank goodness Tropic Thunder’s still doing the weekend box office business, because otherwise Steve Coogan would have only had Hamlet 2 to rely on, and that died a death. Oh Steve Coogan, whyever did you stop making geographical action movies with Jackie Chan?) $7,500,000

3 - The House Bunny (Wow, that’s three for three gormless comedies so far in the weekend box office. America must really love to laugh at the momen… what? Bangkok Dangerous isn’t a comedy? Really? That’s a serious haircut, then? Crikey) $5,900,000

4 – The Dark Knight (Since casting rumours for The Dark Knight’s sequel have now officially gone berserk, let’s throw this one in here – in the next movie, Nicolas Cage is actually going to be playing Batman. And Alfred. And The Penguin. And Catwoman. Blimey, this cough medicine really is quite strong, you know) $5,715,000

5 - Traitor (We could be wrong, but Traitor sounds like it’s basically the flashback story of Sayid from Lost, except without the sneaking suspicion that the invention of Google Earth has rendered the whole fucking thing completely pointless) $4,660,00

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Weekend Box office – Box Office Mojo

PLOT - Bangkok Dangerous is a remake of Leaving Las Vegas where, rather than drinking himself to death, Nicolas Cage goes to Thailand determined to say the words “holiday” and “banking” to the locals in such a patronisingly oversimplistic way that they get offended and shoot him.

CHARACTERS – Nicolas Cage. Just Nicolas Cage. Playing Nicolas Cage. Other characters might appear from time to time, but only so that Nicolas Cage can either a) punch them, kick them, explode them, riddle them with machinegun fire or make them go “Ugh!” in a bathroom really quickly, or b) tenderly touch their hands if they’re a woman.

THEME – Nicolas Cage’s four rules – ‘don’t ask questions’, ‘there is no right and wrong’, ‘don’t take an interest in people outside of work’ and ‘know when to get out’ – seem to be the theme of Bangkok Dangerous. However, he actually has five rules – the final one is ‘Always wipe your bum from front to back so you don’t end up with shitty balls’. Oh, and another theme is unquestionably crap hair – but that’s a motif that runs through Nicolas Cage’s entire canon.