Cooked or Booked?

Folded

• “And the award for ‘best’ constructed reality television show goes to…” – BAFTA baffle us with new award.
• Gotham City Imposters - It’s coming in January and it’s probably going to be really, really good.
• Paul Weller thinks that the Stone Roses reformed for money. Ouch.
• Morgan Freeman - Sure, he’s been in some right duds but that doesn’t make him any less great.
• Gary Barlow – For having a conscience about that poor little coke-addled lad.

Creased

• Syco – For not.
• The Murdochs – Just a reminder.
• I’m A Celebrity…! – No you fucking well are not.
• The Keith Lemon Movie – God, no. Please. Anything but that. OH GODDDDDDDD!
• Twitter commentaries of things that are actually taking place on twitter. If people actually gave a fuck, they’d be watching it unfold themselves.

The BBC isn’t really known for being too daring with its programming. After all, that’s not really what dear old Auntie is about, is it? The Beeb is there to provide us with banal, safe and somewhat beige programming like My Family or Songs of Praise.

Although there is the odd foray into the risqué, which takes the form of some tripe that’s written by Susan Nickson of Two Pints of Lager & A Packet of Crisps/Grown Ups/Coming of Age fame. You know, those shows that are so bad that even the trailers aren’t funny.

But the BBC has taken the brave choice of broadcasting someone’s death on national television.

That’s right, in the ultimate act of voyeurism that we were all warned about in numerous science fiction books, you will be able to see a man die, right there on your telly.

It’ll be like his stinking corpse is actually right there with you in your living room, ready to reach out through the set and throttle you for gawping at his demise whilst stuffing your face with Malteasers.

Naturally, this spectacle is being presented as part of some sort of educational series that takes a look at the human body, which eventually does just stop working and leaves us lying in a pool of our own vomit after a night spent snorting cocaine off the backs of suspiciously young looking Eastern European girls we found in the back of a Yellow pages.

But the main selling point is obviously the televised death of this fellow by the name of Gerald, who died at the very start of the year, in his home, surrounded by his family… and a camera crew who were probably more concerned about mundane details like the lighting or camera angles instead of how best to sensitively portray the deep emotions everyone is going through at that exact moments.

The heartless bastards, they probably jabbed his granddaughter in the ribs just so they could get some footage of someone crying as a cutaway shot.

Because nothing says BAFTA like a child crying over the death of a loved one.

For those of you morbid enough to want to watch something that hasn’t been written by Susan Nickson dying on the BBC, then Gerald’s last moments on Earth are to be broadcast during Inside the Human Body on May 12^th.

For the rest of us, there’s always the Jeremy Kyle show.

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Last night The Hurt Locker swept the board at the BAFTAs, winning six awards. But screw all that.

Because we were there too. As is becoming gloriously traditional, hecklerspray was invited to cover the BAFTAs red carpet. And, as is becoming equally traditional, we were abysmal. While we may have seen the likes of James Cameron and Prince William and Robert Pattinson from a distance, our freakish proximity to George Lamb from BBC Three meant that most of these people sensibly kept as far away from us as possible.

What follows is a video diary of the night. It’s intended to be a first-hand account of A-list BAFTAs glamour. You, on the other hand, might see it as the painful unravelling of one man’s mind as he slowly realises that he’s desperately in love with George Lamb from Young Butcher Of The Year. Please enjoy, and promise not to judge us too harshly…

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Usually we have a simple rule when it comes to picking our favourites for the BAFTA Orange Rising Star – go with the prettiest girl.

But this year we’ve decided not to be so superficial. This year we’ve decided that we want Nicholas Hoult to win the award, because we quite like the fluffy sweater he wears in his new film. So make it so, everyone. Vote for Nicholas Hoult’s lovely sweater to win the BAFTA. Do it for us!

Video evidence of the lovely sweater in question, plus voting links, after the jump…

Last year you may remember that we went to the BAFTAs and ended up shouting obscenities at celebrities who were determined to ignore us.

Will that change at this year’s BATFAs? Probably not, no. But now you – yes, YOU – can be involved with the BAFTAs too, by voting for the BAFTA Orange Rising Star award. This year, the award is going to go to either Curlychops from Zombieland, Skins Git, Boycut from An Education, Some French Bloke and Horseface from Twilight – and you get to choose which one.

After the jump, video evidence of why they’re all quite good actors, and a chance for you to vote. Do it. Do it for us…

If you believe that the BAFTAs act as a bellweather for the Oscars, then Slumdog Millionaire will win all the Oscars.

Also, the Oscars are going to be really bloody drizzly. Because that happened at the BAFTAs too. But anyway, Slumdog Millionaire was the big winner at last night’s BAFTA awards, scooping Best Film, Best Director, Best Music, Best Cinematography, Best Editing and Best Adapted Screenplay. Why? Because it’s principally British? No. Well, yes. A bit.

But Slumdog Millionaire wasn’t the only thing to leave the BAFTAs with anything. We left with the onset of trenchfoot. Eat that, Dev Patel.

The BAFTAs are the shining light at the centre of the British filmmaking calendar, where the great and the good decide that they’re probably happier to stay in Hollywood and have a night off, then the good and the mediocre plan to go but get put off by all the rain and we’re left with Christian Slater and celebrity hairdresser Nicky Clarke and an auditorium that smells vaguely of wet dog.

But the BAFTAs aren’t just the badly-dentured Oscars any more – now they’re an exciting precursor to the Oscars. You see, the BAFTAs inform the Oscars, just in the same way that the 4,000 other award shows which happen in the first six weeks of the year inform the Oscars.

And, if the BAFTAs have any sway whatsoever, it might be a good year for Slumdog Millionaire. It’s a movie that’s already beaten the odds – originally destined to be a direct-to-DVD release, Slumdog Millionaire is at once both the most depressing feelgood movie you’re ever likely to see and the most celebrated movie to ever fall apart and stop being any good about two-thirds in.

Not that any of that stopped Slumdog Millionaire from winning everything at the BAFTAs, though, as the Hollywood Reporter, um, reports:

Danny Boyle’s “Slumdog Millionaire” dominated this year’s Orange British Academy Film Awards, scooping seven awards including best film, director, cinematography and adapted screenplay for writer Simon Beaufoy. “I’ve had a complex relationship with this statue,” Beaufoy said, “I have a plastic one that I bought from eBay, a chocolate one that I stole from the dinner one year and now, well …”

Elsewhere at the BAFTAs, Kate Winslet‘s Best Actress award for The Reader gave her another chance ahead of the Oscars to not instantly start blubbering like an idiot the moment that anybody says her name out loud, Noel Clarke won the BAFTA Orange Rising Star Award and Abi Titmuss turned up, even though nobody really knew why.

Chances are you’ve already seen our searing expose of the BAFTA red carpet, but if you actually want to see what some of the celebrities who turned up look like when they’re not studiously avoiding a swearing idiot, then you’ll be able to find some decent BAFTA interviews here. Warning – in them, Fearne Cotton appears to be wearing Brian Blessed to keep warm.

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As we may have mentioned already, last night hecklerspray got to report from the red carpet at the 2009 BAFTAs.

And, it’s fair to say, we were rubbish. Thanks to a mixture of horrible weather, a position on the BAFTAs red carpet directly opposite all the real journalists and our own genuinely backwards people skills, we ended up coming away from the BAFTAs with nothing more than trenchfoot, a lack of feeling in any of our extremities and this slightly humiliating video.

We’ll have a full BAFTA report coming up in a few hours – but in the meantime, do feel free to revel in this visual evidence of our thundering social ineptitude.

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We love the BAFTAS. They’re just like the Oscars, except they’re British and nobody famous ever turns up. Amazing.

However, one thing annoys us about the BAFTAs, and that’s the suspicion that they’re only voted for by elderly men who live alone, only wear smoking jackets and call everybody ‘darling’ all the time. But not this year.

This year you people get a chance to vote for the winner of one BAFTA award – the Orange Rising Star award. Why are we telling you this? It’s simple. Last year the winner of the Orange Rising Star award was Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaTittingBeouf. THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. Do you understand? We’re not even partially joking with you.

This year’s Orange Rising Star nominations have just been released, and it’s down to you to vote for the winner. But who are the nominations? Here you go…

THAT BELLEND FROM ROCKANDROLLA

THAT BELLEND FROM HUNGER

THAT BELLEND FROM ADULTHOOD

THE LOVELY, TALENTED, BEAUTIFUL AND EFFORTLESSLY WONDERFUL REBECCA HALL

THAT BELLEND FROM SUPERBAD

Ready to vote for Rebecca Hall, or any of the other Orange Rising Star award nominees whose names have temporarily escaped our mind? Good, then you can vote for the winner on the Orange website right now.

Apparently there’s also a prize draw where, if you vote, you stand a chance of winning tickets to next month’s BAFTAs. Since Rebecca Hall is almost certainly going to be there, that would make it the greatest evening of your life. So you know what to do.

With the Golden Globes cancelled and the Oscars and Grammys looking likely to go the same way, what are the biggest awards around?

That's right, the BAFTAs. And because the BAFTAs are British, it's only right that it should focus on British films. And because the only British film made in the last year was Atonement, it stands to reason that Atonement should get so many BAFTA nominations that we actually feel a little bit embarrassed for it.

Even though it's sodding Atonement, for sod's sake.

The Golden Globes were a washout this year. A bit fat stink of a washout that we feel cheapened to even think about. Not because nobody famous turned up and it was over in half an hour, though – that bit was actually quite nice – but because Atonement won Best Drama. Best Drama. Not Best Drama About A Bunch of Uptight La-Di-Da Tarquins Mimbling To Each Other And Saying "Terribly" A Lot. Best Drama.

And that was even before the BAFTA nominations got involved. This year, the BAFTAs will be one of the most high-profile award shows around thanks to the Golden Globes going down the toilet and the Oscars looking mortally wounded. And, because there isn't any writers' strike over here, there'll be no picket line to cross, meaning that a bigger haul of stars than ever before will shimmy along the red carpet to watch Jonathan Ross earn nine billion pounds a second as the host, or whatever his going rate is these days.

But they needn't bother showing up, because Atonement's going to win everything anyway. All in all, Atonement has picked up BAFTA nominations for Best Film, Best British Film, Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress, Best Music, Best Cinematography, Best Editing, Best Production Design, Best Costume Design, Best Sound and Best Make-Up. If only the BAFTAs hadn't omitted the Best Generic Period Keira Knightley Role Played By Keira Knightley In A Film That Only English Teachers Like And Even Then They're Probably Pretending category then Atonement would have got the quintuple hat-trick.

Of course, Atonement isn't the only film to be nominated for a BAFTA – it just feels like it. Also up for trophies are the films that everyone else has said they like, like No Country For Old Men, There Will Be Blood, Michael Clayton, American Gangster, and The Bourne Ultimatum, which for some reason is in the running for Best British Film, possibly because about two minutes of it are set in Waterloo station.

You'll be able to see who wins the BAFTAs when the awards are handed out on… oh, who cares. You'd probably prefer to jam an electric meat carver under you kneecap than that the BAFTAs. 

Read more:

Atonement Leads BAFTA Noms – Hollywood Reporter