Because, on the opening day of the trial, the now infamous alleged R Kelly sex tape was played to jurors and – we can’t believe we have to tell to tell you something as sordid as this – it features dancing. To a Backstreet Boys song.

Oh, and also it allegedly shows R Kelly urinating, his possibly 13-year-old sex partner urinating and several creepy instances of the word ‘Daddy’. But one thing the R Kelly sex tape doesn’t feature is The Spice Girls, because as soon as one of their songs comes on the radio, R Kelly allegedly halts proceedings and switches channel. Suck it Geri Halliwell, you’re not even good enough to soundtrack lurid child sex videos! In your face!

A show of hands please – who’s ever listened to a Backstreet Boys song, say Quit Playing Games With My Heart or Everybody, and been so touched by its magic that you’ve had to immediately go out and degrade a child by urinating on its face? Most of you? Wow, you guys really like the Backstreet Boys.

R Kelly allegedly too, if prosecutors at the just-started R Kelly child pornography trial know what they’re talking about. After years of delays thanks to ladder-related mishaps and improperly-rested bus drivers, opening arguments were yesterday heard in a trial that could stretch on for several weeks. And, really, what are opening arguments without grainy home video footage of a man having sex with a 13-year-old girl?

Because make no mistake, the prosecution seemed so keen to go out and nail R Kelly from the outset that it just went and played jurors the alleged R Kelly sex tape right from the get-go – but not without getting all creepy circus ringmaster on them first. The Chicago Tribune reports:

“You will see that child perform acts you’ve never seen before,” Boliker said. The tape begins with a man handing the female participant money. At his instruction, the female dances for him while “Everybody” by the Backstreet Boys plays. At times, he can be heard telling her to “dance faster, baby,” before instructing her to urinate for the camera. The female often refers to him as “Daddy” while the two engage in dirty talk. The two pause briefly when a Spice Girls song comes on the radio and the man stops to change the station. The video ends with the man urinating and finishing the sex act.

Acts we’ve never seen before? That’s building her part up a bit, isn’t it? Hang around Chatham High Street for long enough on a Friday night and you’ll see children doing worse than that, trust us. Although, to be fair, none of them will ever be seen dead dancing to the Backstreet Boys. They’re not animals.

Anyway, it wasn’t just the prosecution that got to have a crack at an opening argument – the defence also managed to creep in with a compelling angle or two as well. According to R Kelly’s lawyer Sam Adam Jr, the man in the sex tape can’t be R Kelly because R Kelly has a mole on his back and the man in the tape doesn’t, also the girl accused of taking part in the tape isn’t who everyone thinks she is either, because:

“[The alleged victim] is sweet and nice. The woman in this tape is a prostitute.”

I’ll be interesting to see where the R Kelly child pornography case goes from here, because now that everyone’s seen the sex tape for themselves and the mole argument is already out there, there can’t be much else to discuss. It’s not like the Phil Spector murder trial, where days can be spent analysing exactly how a woman’s tongue would loll around immediately after you’ve shot her in the mouth, is it.

There’s a chance that a bunch of 13-year-old girls could be pulled into the courtroom and ordered to dance to the Backstreet Boys and piss on the floor at the same time for demonstrative purposes to see if it whips R Kelly up into such a sexual frenzy that he immediately composes another song about how his willy works in a similar way to a car key on the spot, but that seems unlikely.

Also, we should mention that a member of the jury left the R Kelly child pornography trial yesterday as well. It was the rape victim juror, who apparently wouldn’t be able to keep up her mortgage repayments if she remained on the jury. She was replaced by a man whose uncle once went to jail for child pornography offences. That’s bound to make a difference to the outcome of the trial, but we won’t find out exactly how until we’ve discovered whether he calls his uncle Uncle Disgusting Paedo or Uncle Wrongly Incarcerated And I Will Have My Vengeance. Makes a difference, see.

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Lurid opening to Kelly trial - CT