And now, some news that should leave you feeling utterly confused and unsure of how to feel. Basically, this will either sadden you or make you wonder whether you should give the slightest shit about it all. And it involves Nick and Aaron Carter.

The rub is this: Leslie Carter, the sister of Aaron Carter and former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, has died in upstate New York aged 25 years old.

What gives?

A publicist for the Carter family confirmed the young woman’s death, but provided no details Wednesday on where or how she died.

A statement from the family says they’re grieving for Carter and requested “the utmost privacy.”

Leslie of course, released a single called ‘Like Wow’ which was on the soundtrack for ‘Shrek’ and of course, she was a star of the reality show ‘House of Carters.’

That all taken into account, we’ve no idea how to react to this.

Basically, Leslie Carter is a veritable nobody, so we really shouldn’t care. However, she’s a dead 25 year old woman, which is pretty dreadful, however she died.

So what are we supposed to do? If word gets out it was drugs or drink or, indeed, a sexual misadventure, we can assume the position of ‘Haw! Haw! How very funny!‘ but if it transpires that she died of something upsetting, then we’ll have to wring our hands and work out whether she’s important enough to feign upset over.

This is all very inconsiderate of the Carter family. We’re aware that they’re grieving, but really, they should’ve thought of us lot first.

We simply don’t know what to do.

There was a time, not so long ago, when Justin Bieber didn’t exist. It’s hard to believe we know, but it’s true. “But who did you have to provide annoying bubblegum pop that sent tweenage girls hearts a flutter?” We hear you ask.

The answer is simple, Aaron Carter. He was the brother of a Backstreet Boy, wore a backwards baseball cap and he had Bieber’s trademark mix of a baby face, blond hair and an unthreatening charm that saw him climb the charts with such sweet puppy love anthems as, “I Want Candy,” and, “Crazy Little Party Girl.”

Naturally all of this made him a target for Michael Jackson.

THAT’S RIGHT! Despite being dead for over 2 years, it’s time for yet another instalment of, ‘What inappropriate thing has Wacko Jacko done now?’

According to poor, sweet little Aaron (now 23 and somewhat less cute than he once was), during his early teenage years he spent a lot of time hanging out with The King of Pop, which would be a dream come true for any impressionable young singer.

It was during his time spent with Jackson that Carter claims that Jacko brought out the Jesus Juice and proceeded to ply the underage pop sensation with wine and cocaine.

Now why would a fully-grown man need to give an unsupervised minor entrusted into his care intoxicating substances? No, seriously… if anyone could tell us that would be great, the only things we can think of would result in our, rather overworked, lawyer having a heart attack if we published them.

Carter was quoted as saying:

“I did things with him that nobody else did… But I was also troubled about what he did to me.”

Which sounds downright sinister to us. His mum even had to call the police in when she found out what Jackson had been doing to her poor sweet little boy.

For now, let’s just take some time to remember Aaron in his more innocent days:

If only it was just Candy that wanted you, eh Aaron?

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Remember the Backstreet Boys? They had… um… they had that song that went “Backstreet’s back, alright!” *dng, dng-nr nr nr nr nr, dng, dung dng dong* and… uh… Justin Timberlake was in them. And someone called Carter. Jimmy Carter! That’s him! And, the… ummm… the other guy. The blonde one with the square head.

And who could forget New Kids On The Block? There was Jordan, Joey, Chandler, Monica, Rachel, Ross and Jeremiah-Jehosaphat and… uh… that song they had… “New Kids’ back, alright!” *dng, dng-nr nr nr nr nr, dng, dung dng dong*

Anyway, both of these teams of humans are going to tour together in a move that will see the Earth creating more ozone to be destroyed especially by the hairspray of the band and fans combined.

The tour, when it kicks off, will no doubt send poor janitor types skidding around the vast concert halls of America as women of all ages remind themselves of just how much they used to fancy [Insert Band Member Here], turning their gussets into something rather similar to a mop being squeezed out into a mucky plastic bucket.

The shows will take place next summer and will cover the entire United States. Every single inch of it. You can sue them all for every penny they earn if they don’t cover every last blade of artificial grass in America.

Further details like the whens and wheres are still to be announced, but you barking mad fans out there will no doubt see this news as a reason to simple sit at your computer hitting refresh repeatedly on your chosen fan forum, without regard for job, social life or body odour.

So there you have it.

Some blokes who everyone used to fancy are joining forces in one giganto nostalgia trip and presumably, the fun will really start when each member takes to the stage to thinly conceal their antipathy/rage for their band mates.

It’s going to be fun. With bad white boy rapping.

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The R Kelly child pornography trial is now underway, and it looks like things are even more disgusting than we thought.

Because, on the opening day of the trial, the now infamous alleged R Kelly sex tape was played to jurors and – we can’t believe we have to tell to tell you something as sordid as this – it features dancing. To a Backstreet Boys song.

Oh, and also it allegedly shows R Kelly urinating, his possibly 13-year-old sex partner urinating and several creepy instances of the word ‘Daddy’. But one thing the R Kelly sex tape doesn’t feature is The Spice Girls, because as soon as one of their songs comes on the radio, R Kelly allegedly halts proceedings and switches channel. Suck it Geri Halliwell, you’re not even good enough to soundtrack lurid child sex videos! In your face!

A show of hands please – who’s ever listened to a Backstreet Boys song, say Quit Playing Games With My Heart or Everybody, and been so touched by its magic that you’ve had to immediately go out and degrade a child by urinating on its face? Most of you? Wow, you guys really like the Backstreet Boys.

R Kelly allegedly too, if prosecutors at the just-started R Kelly child pornography trial know what they’re talking about. After years of delays thanks to ladder-related mishaps and improperly-rested bus drivers, opening arguments were yesterday heard in a trial that could stretch on for several weeks. And, really, what are opening arguments without grainy home video footage of a man having sex with a 13-year-old girl?

Because make no mistake, the prosecution seemed so keen to go out and nail R Kelly from the outset that it just went and played jurors the alleged R Kelly sex tape right from the get-go – but not without getting all creepy circus ringmaster on them first. The Chicago Tribune reports:

“You will see that child perform acts you’ve never seen before,” Boliker said. The tape begins with a man handing the female participant money. At his instruction, the female dances for him while “Everybody” by the Backstreet Boys plays. At times, he can be heard telling her to “dance faster, baby,” before instructing her to urinate for the camera. The female often refers to him as “Daddy” while the two engage in dirty talk. The two pause briefly when a Spice Girls song comes on the radio and the man stops to change the station. The video ends with the man urinating and finishing the sex act.

Acts we’ve never seen before? That’s building her part up a bit, isn’t it? Hang around Chatham High Street for long enough on a Friday night and you’ll see children doing worse than that, trust us. Although, to be fair, none of them will ever be seen dead dancing to the Backstreet Boys. They’re not animals.

Anyway, it wasn’t just the prosecution that got to have a crack at an opening argument – the defence also managed to creep in with a compelling angle or two as well. According to R Kelly’s lawyer Sam Adam Jr, the man in the sex tape can’t be R Kelly because R Kelly has a mole on his back and the man in the tape doesn’t, also the girl accused of taking part in the tape isn’t who everyone thinks she is either, because:

“[The alleged victim] is sweet and nice. The woman in this tape is a prostitute.”

I’ll be interesting to see where the R Kelly child pornography case goes from here, because now that everyone’s seen the sex tape for themselves and the mole argument is already out there, there can’t be much else to discuss. It’s not like the Phil Spector murder trial, where days can be spent analysing exactly how a woman’s tongue would loll around immediately after you’ve shot her in the mouth, is it.

There’s a chance that a bunch of 13-year-old girls could be pulled into the courtroom and ordered to dance to the Backstreet Boys and piss on the floor at the same time for demonstrative purposes to see if it whips R Kelly up into such a sexual frenzy that he immediately composes another song about how his willy works in a similar way to a car key on the spot, but that seems unlikely.

Also, we should mention that a member of the jury left the R Kelly child pornography trial yesterday as well. It was the rape victim juror, who apparently wouldn’t be able to keep up her mortgage repayments if she remained on the jury. She was replaced by a man whose uncle once went to jail for child pornography offences. That’s bound to make a difference to the outcome of the trial, but we won’t find out exactly how until we’ve discovered whether he calls his uncle Uncle Disgusting Paedo or Uncle Wrongly Incarcerated And I Will Have My Vengeance. Makes a difference, see.

Read more:

Lurid opening to Kelly trial - CT