Mmmm, nothing beats the food at Wormwood Scrubs.

Comfortable living facilities, a ready supply of pharmaceuticals and a quaint, gangland atmosphere make the place first choice for musicians on the downward spiral. It’s like the priory, but better!

If you don’t mind people stealing your chocolate pudding or being gutted with a fork, it’s a fine and friendly place, like Disneyland for petty gangsters. Solitary confinement can only be a laugh when you’ve got 12 personalities, a catalogue of wussy tunes and a lot of time to kill.

We think that only death could keep Pete Doherty out of prison. He clearly loves the jingle-jangle of jailhouse rock, maybe why he was charged with carrying class A drugs and driving drunk after his arrest in Switzerland three days ago. You can’t blame the guy for not having any sense, he spends most of his time listening to Joy Division in a parallel universe inspired by crack.

The Babyshambles singer was arrested in Gloucestershire last night for ‘driving erratically’ along with a 30-year-old woman, who was released without charge. He was remanded in custody and appeared before magistrates in Stroud this morning. He was scheduled to play at the Derby Rockhouse tonight, but the gig has since been cancelled.

A spokesman said:

“He’s been charged with dangerous driving, possession of Class A drugs, drink driving and driving without a valid license and insurance.”

Tempting as it is to rip into Pete, we’ll leave that to the rest of you celebrity cannibals. We’ve decided to fool you all with a rare moment of journalistic and moral integrity (here today, gone tomorrow) and briefly elevate ourselves above the other scum that share our trade.

Pete Doherty is a drug addict. He’s a laughable anti-social mess, lost to a world of hedonism, self-indulgence and chemical ecstasy, a poster-boy for humanity gone wrong.  But still, we laugh, glad that we aren’t him. Addicts can’t be people – they’re guilty sacks of walking flesh, victim to their own incurable weakness.

What’s sad is that nobody asks why. They look on at the neverending spectacle and beg for more while someone with genuine talent, vision and something to say pumps poison through their veins. We love it, we can’t get enough and soon we can’t live without it, that wonderful floating eye that allows us to pass judgement on socialites and fools. We are the addicts. Doherty may be a smackhead, but we are far, far worse, for our addiction is abuse.

Wormwood Scrubs may be the answer, at least behind those massive concrete walls no camera-wielding maniac can steal your likeness so others can frown and say we told you so.

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Specifically Amy Winehouse can move onto Pete Doherty – who’s a little bit violent, recovering from drug addiction and an ex-convict. Her parents must be so thrilled.

But don’t worry about a sexual union between Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, even though any offspring they’d have would probably look quite a lot like the mangled insect/Labrador thing from The Fly 2. Instead, Pete Doherty has expressed his desire to release a duet with Amy Winehouse. Which is worse, obviously, because at least they could lock their deformed babies in an attic or something.

Listen, let’s not kid ourselves – this was always going to happen. When Amy Winehouse got married, who did she pick as a husband? A man who couldn’t look more like a pre-cake Pete Doherty if he’d starred in a grotty Saw-style version of I Want A Famous Face, that’s who.

And don’t forget that Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty share a common interest, too – amateur falconry. Oh, and taking all the drugs and being caught by newspapers taking drugs and being really hopeless at going to rehab to get off drugs. But mainly amateur falconry.

So when Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty started hanging out, it was always going to result in either sex or a duet. Sex is out for several reasons, including a) Pete probably still has a lot of Bromide knocking around in his system from his recent prison sentence, b) Amy Winehouse has probably already done it with one of Babyshambles and if you ever sleep with more than one of Babyshambles you directly open a portal to hell, and c) ugh – who’d find Pete Doherty or Amy Winehouse even remotely sexy?

So a duet it is. And Pete Doherty seems serious about it, as Now reports:

Pete Doherty has revealed that he’s working on a new track with Amy Winehouse. Amy, 24, began writing with Pete’s Babyshambles bandmate Mick Whitnall, 39, while he was behind bars. ‘Mick and Amy have a great relationship,’ Pete, 29, tells the Daily Star. ‘They have been working on material while I was in prison. When I came out I went straight to the recording studio. I just want to get music going. I have always wanted to do a single with Amy. She is just so talented.’

You know what, why stop there? Although a duet between a man who sings like a tramp crying into a dustbin and a woman who isn’t even capable of singing a James Bond theme-tune over several recording sessions sounds like just the thing to kickstart the ailing music industry back into life, what about all the other drug addict singers?

That’s why we propose that Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse team up with other famous drug-aquainted stars like Courtney Love, George Michael, Whitney Houston, Moonboy from Keane and Kerry Katona to record a We Are The World-style charity megahit, entitled something like but not necessarily Do They Know It’s Christmas (We Don’t Because We’re Lying Face Down In A Puddle Of Our Combined Vomit And/Or Fecal Matter).

Read more:

Pete Doherty: I’m working on a duet with Amy Winehouse – Now

After reports emerged that she’s been cheating on incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil with a dull-looking boy and a lank-haired photographer, now it’s claimed that Amy Winehouse has also been secretly sleeping with one of Babyshambles as well.

Don’t worry, though – the good news is that Amy’s new lover isn’t Pete Doherty, sparing us all a mental image so profoundly upsetting that it’d put us off all human contact ever again. But the bad news is that it’s Mik Whitnall, the member of Babyshambles who most closely resembles Bez’s grandfather after three straight months of 24-style interro-torture.

It’s bad enough being a prisoner and that learning your wife has been cheating on you on the outside at the best of times. But it must be even worse for Blake Fielder-Civil, because not only is his wife cheating on him on the outside but also everyone thinks he’s a dick. Seriously, everyone.

Although Amy Winehouse has been doing her best to be a model prisoner’s wife during Blake’s time in jail – by threatening to sic him on an entire crowd of paying fans and by yelling incoherently at him after a night on the crack – you have to remember that she is a woman foremost, and even drug-destroyed self-harming wastrels have needs.

So far, two of Amy Winehouse’s new lovers have been named – there’s Little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders and My First Emo Pony – but now, with impeccable timing, comes a third. This time it’s one of Babyshambles. And not even the important one.

Apparently Babyshambles guitarist Mik Whitnall, 76, has told friends of his that he also slept with Amy Winehouse, much to the consternation of his partner who – we think it’s fair to say – is probably going at her groin with a clump of bleach-soaked wire wool in case she’s caught anything as we speak. The Sun reports:

He is 15 years Amy’s senior, has a long-term girlfriend and has been bragging about his conquest and discussing a birthmark he reckons Amy has in an intimate place. A pal revealed: “He says they’ve slept together a couple of times. He told a few people after that stuff about her and Alex Haines came out. It’s always supposed to have happened when they’ve been on a bender. Telling people about her birthmark is his way of proving it happened. It’s male bravado.”

Yes, you see, Amy Winehouse has a birthmark that only people who sleep with her can see. It’s an unusual birthmark – it resembles several red needlemarks all over where her veins are – and it’s difficult to see under the inch-thick layer of scar-tissue, self-inflicted burn marks, crusted-up vomit, scabs, weeping open sores and chronic impetigo that covers Amy’s body like a manky exoskeleton, but it’s there and it’s incriminating.

However, despite this apparent constant cheating, it’s also been reported that Amy Winehouse has been visiting Blake Fielder-Civil in prison again. Maybe she’s decided that she wants him back. It’d certainly make sense – those three men she’s slept with might have provided her with some momentary pleasure, but would they ever beat a pub landlord’s face so heavily that he needs a metal plate surgically implanted into his head to hold it all together? No, and that is the real sign of being a man after all.

Read more:

Winehouse’s Lover Number 3 – The Sun

With P-Doh locked away, we reasoned, surely this would see a brief end to his staggeringly bad musical output? Hell: at least it’d be a long enough hiatus to ensure his fans became obsessed with something more entertaining – like watching a puppy slowly suffocate or listening to the mechanical vibrations of the Phillips X300 Bathroom Extractor Fan (man, when that third whirr cycle kicks in, it’s just awesome).

Alas, it was not to be. In a statement that has devastated the ear-owning community, Doherty has decided that prison life won’t stop him churning out his sixth-form garbage. Mind you, seeing as prisons are essentially rife with drug abuse, violent assault and general hopelessness and despair, a couple of new Babyshambles tracks might make the ideal soundtrack.

Standing by their frontman, the other members of Babyshambles have announced their plans:

“We will send Pete the first nine burns (recordings) so he can work on them in there. It will give him something to keep him occupied, keep him focused and remind him that outside we’re all holding the fort for him. And also that as soon as he gets out it will be business as usual.”

Not only that – it’ll give him a fantastic defence mechanism while he’s inside. Let’s face it: if a crack-addled convict with a flick-knife was charging at you, what better method of deterrence would there be than to flash the cover of Shotter’s Nation and yell ‘one step closer and I stick this on the stereo, motherfucker‘?

You’d be like John Gotti in no time.

Read More:

PETE DOHERTY – DOHERTY TO WORK ON NEW ALBUM FROM JAIL – Contactmusic

Reports were rife, you see, that walking Hancock's Half Hour audition Pete Doherty was all set to abandon his band Babyshambles, leaving a couple of trilby-wearing Shoreditch chancers out of a job and legions of simpering twats looking for another piss-poor musical collective to bizarrely label as 'genius'.

Those aforementioned teachers will probably be noticing a new-found gleam in those peepers, however, as it transpires that the rumours were simply those: rumours. Babyshambles, as has now been confirmed by their needle-addled frontman, are not going to split up after all.

The worst thing about all of this? It's far too late for hecklerspray to cancel the order for that big celebratory cake we immediately dialled up. Oh well – at least we can use the sponge trifle to stuff into our ears the next time Doherty's insipid brand of drivel comes blasting out of next door's stereo.

Actually, that's a lie. The genuine worst thing about all of this is that Doherty is apparently also working on a solo album – a prospect which quite frankly terrifies hecklerspray so much we've been rehearsing its arrival much like some upcoming apocalypse. It's all 'Duck And Cover' round these parts, don't you know. Except with less diving under desks and more tunnelling to the centre of the Earth in the vain hope that we can escape the sound of his mewling 'voice'.

Hey – anybody want to know what Pete Doherty has actually said? Apart from, "nah, I don't think I'll bother having a bath today either" or "don't bother with that sieve, just strain the cigarette butts from that half-full can of Super Tennants through the holes in my withered arm"? Alrighty, then:

"It doesn't conflict with Babyshambles at all. It's just a continuation of what I do. I've always done solo recording, but instead of just knocking it out on the internet like I used to, I'm getting a little album together. I've been going into the studio, laying down guitars and vocals, and I've found it completely different to anything else I do musically."

Hmm. Surprisingly coherent for the perma-baffled fool, we have to admit. Doesn't really matter either way, though, when you consider that Doherty could simply roll back his eyes, spit rabid foam from his mouth and go 'bwwaaaaahhhhh' and a thousand idiot fans (you know, the kind of people who also think that The Mighty Boosh is hilarious and Skins is a documentary) will ramble on in incoherent textspeak about what a 'legend' he is.

Fckng wnkrs.

Read More:

Pete Doherty Denies Babyshambles Split – Now