Why do people care about The Oscars? The winners get a lousy statue that resembles a gold-plated bottle of bubble bath with a screw top head. Hollywood has run out of ideas and has realised that the game is up, badly remaking Japanese films and adapting stupid books.

But Generation Yoof won’t care about classic cinema being revisited will they? They’ve got Skins back on their worthless TVs.

And, worse still, sixth form politicians and literature geeks will all be going weak at the knees as skag wuss and all-round pus-factory Pete Doherty looks to cash in with a documentary based on run of the mill indie act, The Libertines. We expect no highs, just lows.

For some reason, The Libertines made it big despite sounding like every other band that was hanging around on the circuit. Perhaps excitable teenagers liked the spaced-out, brown-tooth look that Pete Doherty gave off as he constantly wandered around on a concoction of bad drugs and worse booze.

The Libertines essentially proved themselves to be a band version of Eastenders as Doherty decided to break into band mate Carl Barat’s flat to steal from him. Eventually he spent some time inside a nasty prison, which we all had a laugh over.

As we’ve said before, he’s not the sharpest spoon in the drawer.

Frankly, we have no idea what this documentary is going to be about. After all, it does seem to be the worst trailer we’ve ever seen for anything. Waste a minute of your life below as the camera continues to zoom out until the very end. Go GCSE media skills!

If anyone ever sits down to watch “There Are No Innocent Bystanders,” is it just going to be nothing but a scrap book of images featuring some muffled words by the band? Is anyone going to be able to tell what plastic cockney Pete Doherty is saying throughout?

Or will it just be one giant mockery of their career when we see how all of the members squandered away the money they received to reunite for hipster central festival, Leeds & Reading?

“There Are No Innocent Bystanders” will only be available in all bad cinemas, DVD shops and torrent sites still. Don’t bother asking us when it’s out.

Repulsive pus hammock, Pete Doherty, has stopped injecting scabs into his arms just long enough to decide that he’s being haunted by the recently deceased Amy Winehouse. No. Honestly. That’s what he’s saying.

The former Libertine and Babyshambler was, of course, friends with Winehouse when she was alive. They probably shared a needle or ten while drinking Tenants Super while passing out in front of Cash In The Attic.

Anyway, he honestly believes that the late singer is visiting his London home in spectral form. Of course, Pete being the delusional dipstick that he is, he’s run off to Paris to get away from this apparition. Surely ghosts can travel to Paris if they’re able to come from the afterlife? Either way, The Ghost Of Winehouse is doing something brilliant – SLAGGING HIS WRETCHED, DERIVATIVE MUSIC OFF!

A close friend of Pete’s said:

“He is utterly convinced that he has seen her ghost. A lot of people will think his visions are probably drug-induced but he claims he is clean.”

Close Friend, you took the words right out of our mouths. Of course he’s hallucinating and back on the gear. Why else would he say something so outrageously idiotic?

It’s not like he’s got form in that field is i… oh.

Either way, Amy Winehouse’s ghost is giving Doherty dog’s abuse over his music, which is the just and true thing to do when faced with his spidery, syphilitic little hands scratching out some weedy, poetry 101 horsepiss on a battered acoustic guitar filled with stale semen.

Doherty has said in the past that he had written a song for Amy.

He said:

“Amy Winehouse asked me a while ago if I had written any new songs. I played her something, and when I had finished, she looked at me and said, ‘Is that it? Is that all you’ve got?’”

Brilliant. Now, can ghosts murder people? If so, Ghost Of Winehouse, you know what to do.

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Syphilitic, limescale covered piss-rocker, Pete Doherty, has done us all a gigantic favour by getting in trouble which could see him getting five years in prison. Half a decade without his plodding, poetry-for-beginners, self-serving, bloated, pus-leaking indie dirge!

Just imagine!

See, this gasping berk who is the single biggest case for legalising Assisted Suicide (or ‘murder’ if you prefer) allegedly broke into a music shop during a night out, where he was invariably surrounded by sycophantic, libertine-tattooed simpletons in porkpie hats, with jaundiced skin and brown teeth, all egging him on to be the rebel that their middle class upbringing could never permit them.

Prosecutors in Germany, cheered on by millions of people in possession of one functioning brain cell and a crude hearing device, are looking to press charges over the incident in Regensburg.

Of course, the singer, with a body akin to boiled mince made from diseased horses and a voice that sounds like someone tackling pre-vomit water, is already serving a six month jail sentence for cocaine possession. It goes without saying that he’ll be spending his time in the clink writing laughably bad prose in an attempt to sell it on at a later date as his ‘prison diaries’ like he’s Jeffrey Archer or something.

Doherty has admitted that he smashed in the shop’s window, but conveniently, he claims that he really can’t remember what happened next.

That’s probably because his tawdry little brain is about as much use as a cyst on your eyelid and if you load it up with cheap drugs and drink, it’s only going to leak cloudy detritus into your synapses, which explains why he is under the assumption that he’s some modern-day William Blake or something.

With any luck, Peter’s prison inmates will recognise him as being that dreadful, dreadful human who created some of the most average music in human history and see to it that he has a quick boardroom meeting with a pool ball in a sock.

Sadly, his grating, fawning fans will then turn him into some kind of martyr for idiocy and we’ll never hear the end of it.

Damn.

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Foetid, seeping, singing pus-sac – Pete Doherty – has had his stinkin’ behind hauled into jail after being a complete waste of everybody’s time and energy. Of course, this cements his place as an artistic-martyr to the scum that follow this godforsaken warbler, all now destined to write awful poetry in their mildew riddled hovels.

That’s right folks! The Bedsore Bard has been hoiked out of civilisation toward the nearest clink where he can be beaten up for cigarettes and used as some kind of full-body masturbation tool for randy hooligans!

And all because he really likes having drugs about his person, despite the fact that the police are constantly tapping him on the shoulder for a quiet word. Will his 9 GCSE’s save him now?!

Doherty has been jailed for six months after pleading guilty to cocaine possession. Accusations of having the general odour like the breath like an aged Alsatian with hellish gum-disease after licking faecal spattered batteries go unconvicted.

Of course, this all comes on the back of a bunch of other arrests, this one relating to the investigation of the death of heiress Robyn Whitehead.

Fans of the singer, who as we all know, are the most appalling humans on the planet all skinning up in their grim holes and smelling of Super Noodles, will be making comparisons to Oscar Wilde, who was also an amazingly irritating penis prone to cod-poetry.

Doherty didn’t show any emotion when the verdict was read out at Snaresbrook Crown Court. It is widely accepted that, thanks to years of drug abuse, he’s actually incapable of displaying anything at all. Rumour has it that Doherty is barely able to keep his underpants skid-free.

Judge David Radford said he had an “appalling record” of committing offences, report the Press Association.

And so, thanks to Doherty being shipped off to jail in the middle of a tour of the UK and Ireland, all gigs have been cancelled.

Apart from the one where he’s singing like a bird to the screws.

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Hey, here’s a blast from the past – remember Pete Doherty? Sure you do. Tall lad. A little bit smelly-looking.

Dressed like Shabby off Big Brother. Went out with a supermodel. Took a lot of drugs. Used to be in a mediocre band and then gave it up to join the universe’s most vastly inept band. All his fans are incredibly sensitive and a bit thick. Yeah, you remember Pete Doherty.

Anyway, Pete Doherty is back in the news after his band Babyshambles were bottled during a festival set at the weekend. It’s thought that the perpetrator was relatively easy to identify, because he was the only one in the audience. And he had earplugs in. And he thought he was watching a Babyshambles tribute act made up of three elderly transvestites and a shop-soiled sex doll. Babyshambles aren’t very good, that’s essentially our point.

We haven’t written about Pete Doherty for a while because, really, who cares any more? He isn’t going out with Kate Moss with any more. Hearing about his tedious drug escapades stopped being interesting in about 2006. All his music sounds like the noise a confused old man would make if you pushed him into a hall of mirrors and paid an incompetent busker to chase him around. He, quite honestly, looks like he might smell of urine. So what’s the point?

Well, we’ve decided to temporarily lift our Pete Doherty embargo. But only because a number of people hurled bottles at him this weekend, and his bandmate threw a prissy little tizz about it, and that’s sort of hilarious. Metro reports:

Pete Doherty’s band Babyshambles were bottled during an appearance at T in the Park and told fans to “beat the fuck out” of each other. After being pelted by bottles, guitarist Mik Whitnall urged fans to attack the guilty parties. Frontman Doherty finished his set by chucking his microphone into the crowd.

Now, it’s important to remember that Pete Doherty doesn’t deserve treatment like this. Just because he sings like a drunk bombardier having a stroke, remember that he does have at least one GCSE, which makes him a genius or whatever. He absolutely doesn’t deserve thi… oh, wait. Yes, yes he does deserve treatment like this. Sorry, we were confusing Pete Doherty with everyone on the planet who isn’t Pete Doherty.

Still, join us next time for some similar news about an equally relevant figure. Maybe the bassist out of Swing Out Sister will accidentally drop their phone down the toilet or something. Exciting!

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Mmmm, nothing beats the food at Wormwood Scrubs.

Comfortable living facilities, a ready supply of pharmaceuticals and a quaint, gangland atmosphere make the place first choice for musicians on the downward spiral. It’s like the priory, but better!

If you don’t mind people stealing your chocolate pudding or being gutted with a fork, it’s a fine and friendly place, like Disneyland for petty gangsters. Solitary confinement can only be a laugh when you’ve got 12 personalities, a catalogue of wussy tunes and a lot of time to kill.

We think that only death could keep Pete Doherty out of prison. He clearly loves the jingle-jangle of jailhouse rock, maybe why he was charged with carrying class A drugs and driving drunk after his arrest in Switzerland three days ago. You can’t blame the guy for not having any sense, he spends most of his time listening to Joy Division in a parallel universe inspired by crack.

The Babyshambles singer was arrested in Gloucestershire last night for ‘driving erratically’ along with a 30-year-old woman, who was released without charge. He was remanded in custody and appeared before magistrates in Stroud this morning. He was scheduled to play at the Derby Rockhouse tonight, but the gig has since been cancelled.

A spokesman said:

“He’s been charged with dangerous driving, possession of Class A drugs, drink driving and driving without a valid license and insurance.”

Tempting as it is to rip into Pete, we’ll leave that to the rest of you celebrity cannibals. We’ve decided to fool you all with a rare moment of journalistic and moral integrity (here today, gone tomorrow) and briefly elevate ourselves above the other scum that share our trade.

Pete Doherty is a drug addict. He’s a laughable anti-social mess, lost to a world of hedonism, self-indulgence and chemical ecstasy, a poster-boy for humanity gone wrong.  But still, we laugh, glad that we aren’t him. Addicts can’t be people – they’re guilty sacks of walking flesh, victim to their own incurable weakness.

What’s sad is that nobody asks why. They look on at the neverending spectacle and beg for more while someone with genuine talent, vision and something to say pumps poison through their veins. We love it, we can’t get enough and soon we can’t live without it, that wonderful floating eye that allows us to pass judgement on socialites and fools. We are the addicts. Doherty may be a smackhead, but we are far, far worse, for our addiction is abuse.

Wormwood Scrubs may be the answer, at least behind those massive concrete walls no camera-wielding maniac can steal your likeness so others can frown and say we told you so.

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It’s great that Amy Winehouse has split up with Blake Fielder-Civil – free of her violent drug-addicted convict husband, she can finally move on.

Specifically Amy Winehouse can move onto Pete Doherty – who’s a little bit violent, recovering from drug addiction and an ex-convict. Her parents must be so thrilled.

But don’t worry about a sexual union between Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, even though any offspring they’d have would probably look quite a lot like the mangled insect/Labrador thing from The Fly 2. Instead, Pete Doherty has expressed his desire to release a duet with Amy Winehouse. Which is worse, obviously, because at least they could lock their deformed babies in an attic or something.

Listen, let’s not kid ourselves – this was always going to happen. When Amy Winehouse got married, who did she pick as a husband? A man who couldn’t look more like a pre-cake Pete Doherty if he’d starred in a grotty Saw-style version of I Want A Famous Face, that’s who.

And don’t forget that Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty share a common interest, too – amateur falconry. Oh, and taking all the drugs and being caught by newspapers taking drugs and being really hopeless at going to rehab to get off drugs. But mainly amateur falconry.

So when Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty started hanging out, it was always going to result in either sex or a duet. Sex is out for several reasons, including a) Pete probably still has a lot of Bromide knocking around in his system from his recent prison sentence, b) Amy Winehouse has probably already done it with one of Babyshambles and if you ever sleep with more than one of Babyshambles you directly open a portal to hell, and c) ugh – who’d find Pete Doherty or Amy Winehouse even remotely sexy?

So a duet it is. And Pete Doherty seems serious about it, as Now reports:

Pete Doherty has revealed that he’s working on a new track with Amy Winehouse. Amy, 24, began writing with Pete’s Babyshambles bandmate Mick Whitnall, 39, while he was behind bars. ‘Mick and Amy have a great relationship,’ Pete, 29, tells the Daily Star. ‘They have been working on material while I was in prison. When I came out I went straight to the recording studio. I just want to get music going. I have always wanted to do a single with Amy. She is just so talented.’

You know what, why stop there? Although a duet between a man who sings like a tramp crying into a dustbin and a woman who isn’t even capable of singing a James Bond theme-tune over several recording sessions sounds like just the thing to kickstart the ailing music industry back into life, what about all the other drug addict singers?

That’s why we propose that Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse team up with other famous drug-aquainted stars like Courtney Love, George Michael, Whitney Houston, Moonboy from Keane and Kerry Katona to record a We Are The World-style charity megahit, entitled something like but not necessarily Do They Know It’s Christmas (We Don’t Because We’re Lying Face Down In A Puddle Of Our Combined Vomit And/Or Fecal Matter).

Read more:

Pete Doherty: I’m working on a duet with Amy Winehouse – Now

We’ll say this about Amy Winehouse – sure, she might look as if she’s woefully incapacitated by heavy drug use, but she sure can put it around.

After reports emerged that she’s been cheating on incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil with a dull-looking boy and a lank-haired photographer, now it’s claimed that Amy Winehouse has also been secretly sleeping with one of Babyshambles as well.

Don’t worry, though – the good news is that Amy’s new lover isn’t Pete Doherty, sparing us all a mental image so profoundly upsetting that it’d put us off all human contact ever again. But the bad news is that it’s Mik Whitnall, the member of Babyshambles who most closely resembles Bez’s grandfather after three straight months of 24-style interro-torture.

It’s bad enough being a prisoner and that learning your wife has been cheating on you on the outside at the best of times. But it must be even worse for Blake Fielder-Civil, because not only is his wife cheating on him on the outside but also everyone thinks he’s a dick. Seriously, everyone.

Although Amy Winehouse has been doing her best to be a model prisoner’s wife during Blake’s time in jail – by threatening to sic him on an entire crowd of paying fans and by yelling incoherently at him after a night on the crack – you have to remember that she is a woman foremost, and even drug-destroyed self-harming wastrels have needs.

So far, two of Amy Winehouse’s new lovers have been named – there’s Little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders and My First Emo Pony – but now, with impeccable timing, comes a third. This time it’s one of Babyshambles. And not even the important one.

Apparently Babyshambles guitarist Mik Whitnall, 76, has told friends of his that he also slept with Amy Winehouse, much to the consternation of his partner who – we think it’s fair to say – is probably going at her groin with a clump of bleach-soaked wire wool in case she’s caught anything as we speak. The Sun reports:

He is 15 years Amy’s senior, has a long-term girlfriend and has been bragging about his conquest and discussing a birthmark he reckons Amy has in an intimate place. A pal revealed: “He says they’ve slept together a couple of times. He told a few people after that stuff about her and Alex Haines came out. It’s always supposed to have happened when they’ve been on a bender. Telling people about her birthmark is his way of proving it happened. It’s male bravado.”

Yes, you see, Amy Winehouse has a birthmark that only people who sleep with her can see. It’s an unusual birthmark – it resembles several red needlemarks all over where her veins are – and it’s difficult to see under the inch-thick layer of scar-tissue, self-inflicted burn marks, crusted-up vomit, scabs, weeping open sores and chronic impetigo that covers Amy’s body like a manky exoskeleton, but it’s there and it’s incriminating.

However, despite this apparent constant cheating, it’s also been reported that Amy Winehouse has been visiting Blake Fielder-Civil in prison again. Maybe she’s decided that she wants him back. It’d certainly make sense – those three men she’s slept with might have provided her with some momentary pleasure, but would they ever beat a pub landlord’s face so heavily that he needs a metal plate surgically implanted into his head to hold it all together? No, and that is the real sign of being a man after all.

Read more:

Winehouse’s Lover Number 3 – The Sun

When shambling oxygen-thief Pete Doherty was recently thrown into prison for the grand total of 14 weeks, hecklerspray felt a murmur within our hearts – a rare glimmer of optimism, if you like.

With P-Doh locked away, we reasoned, surely this would see a brief end to his staggeringly bad musical output? Hell: at least it’d be a long enough hiatus to ensure his fans became obsessed with something more entertaining – like watching a puppy slowly suffocate or listening to the mechanical vibrations of the Phillips X300 Bathroom Extractor Fan (man, when that third whirr cycle kicks in, it’s just awesome).

Alas, it was not to be. In a statement that has devastated the ear-owning community, Doherty has decided that prison life won’t stop him churning out his sixth-form garbage. Mind you, seeing as prisons are essentially rife with drug abuse, violent assault and general hopelessness and despair, a couple of new Babyshambles tracks might make the ideal soundtrack.

Standing by their frontman, the other members of Babyshambles have announced their plans:

“We will send Pete the first nine burns (recordings) so he can work on them in there. It will give him something to keep him occupied, keep him focused and remind him that outside we’re all holding the fort for him. And also that as soon as he gets out it will be business as usual.”

Not only that – it’ll give him a fantastic defence mechanism while he’s inside. Let’s face it: if a crack-addled convict with a flick-knife was charging at you, what better method of deterrence would there be than to flash the cover of Shotter’s Nation and yell ‘one step closer and I stick this on the stereo, motherfucker‘?

You’d be like John Gotti in no time.

Read More:

PETE DOHERTY – DOHERTY TO WORK ON NEW ALBUM FROM JAIL – Contactmusic

Anyone who teaches in a public school sixth-form might have noticed a look of worry in the eyes of some of their dimmer students recently.

Reports were rife, you see, that walking Hancock's Half Hour audition Pete Doherty was all set to abandon his band Babyshambles, leaving a couple of trilby-wearing Shoreditch chancers out of a job and legions of simpering twats looking for another piss-poor musical collective to bizarrely label as 'genius'.

Those aforementioned teachers will probably be noticing a new-found gleam in those peepers, however, as it transpires that the rumours were simply those: rumours. Babyshambles, as has now been confirmed by their needle-addled frontman, are not going to split up after all.

The worst thing about all of this? It's far too late for hecklerspray to cancel the order for that big celebratory cake we immediately dialled up. Oh well – at least we can use the sponge trifle to stuff into our ears the next time Doherty's insipid brand of drivel comes blasting out of next door's stereo.

Actually, that's a lie. The genuine worst thing about all of this is that Doherty is apparently also working on a solo album – a prospect which quite frankly terrifies hecklerspray so much we've been rehearsing its arrival much like some upcoming apocalypse. It's all 'Duck And Cover' round these parts, don't you know. Except with less diving under desks and more tunnelling to the centre of the Earth in the vain hope that we can escape the sound of his mewling 'voice'.

Hey – anybody want to know what Pete Doherty has actually said? Apart from, "nah, I don't think I'll bother having a bath today either" or "don't bother with that sieve, just strain the cigarette butts from that half-full can of Super Tennants through the holes in my withered arm"? Alrighty, then:

"It doesn't conflict with Babyshambles at all. It's just a continuation of what I do. I've always done solo recording, but instead of just knocking it out on the internet like I used to, I'm getting a little album together. I've been going into the studio, laying down guitars and vocals, and I've found it completely different to anything else I do musically."

Hmm. Surprisingly coherent for the perma-baffled fool, we have to admit. Doesn't really matter either way, though, when you consider that Doherty could simply roll back his eyes, spit rabid foam from his mouth and go 'bwwaaaaahhhhh' and a thousand idiot fans (you know, the kind of people who also think that The Mighty Boosh is hilarious and Skins is a documentary) will ramble on in incoherent textspeak about what a 'legend' he is.

Fckng wnkrs.

Read More:

Pete Doherty Denies Babyshambles Split – Now