Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
According to a few news sources, the most perfect sensitive man in the world, Ryan Gosling, has decided to bless the world with?a tiny human made from his ideal DNA.? Since humans can’t just create babies on their own, this means he needed a female, so technically the baby is half Eva Mendes’.
Considering the last time I wrote about these two, it was because word on the street was that they had broken up (IF ONLY), I don’t know how much I believe this to be truth.
Amazing news! Sir Elton John is planning to have another baby, apparently! That’s right, the bitch is back and he’s pregnant with his second child. Of course, his partner?David Furnish has had something to do with it.
When Elton gives birth, it’ll be a delightful sibling for 14-month-old son Zachary.
We do worry about Elton John’s wee-way though. How does one go about squeezing a child out of your little wang? With him being a celebrity, he’ll probably have a C-section won’t he? How terribly fashionable.
She was made famous by a series of awful Aerosmith videos before starring in a terrible Batman film. Apart from that, Alicia Silverstone hasn’t done a great deal. Until now that is! Now, she’s all about regurgitating her food and spitting it into her child’s mouth!
That’s right. Alicia is like some kind of seabird, honking up pre-chewed food into the gob of her hatchling.
Honestly. You may think this is hecklerspray’s imagination running away with itself, but this is precisely how Silverstone feeds her 11-month-old son, Bear Blu. Yes, her child is called Bear Blu.
Kim Kardashian. She’s not the sharpest hose in the shed is she? Berated recently by Daniel Craig and That Bloke From Mad Men… even slated by Jason Statham who is about as useful as a condom made of steam, Kim’s critics are plentiful.
So it is of little surprise that Kimmy Kimya Kim K doesn’t really like to listen to people.
In fact, this I’M NOT LISTENING thing carries as far (or near) as her family. Just imagine switching off every time Mama Jenner starts talking. Hard to imagine, eh?
Mel B is quite obviously nuts. She had sex with Eddie Murphy and didn’t think it was weird at all. He was probably dressed like Mama Klump at the time. Since then, she’s look rather dead in the eyes. So is this a story to say she’s sorted herself out?
Christ no.
Mel B now wants to sleep in a cot. You heard. She wants a giant cot to sleep in, like she’s some kind of farting baby.
Clothes, they're important aren't they? We wear them to primarily keep us warm, though there are people who?ll pay over the odds for the same white t-shirt, just because they've got a fancy designer label stitched in. But whatever the cost, they all come in handy, especially if hot chip fat is destined towards scalding our genitals.
As adults, we have the choice of whether we want to cover ourselves in the finest clubbed seal, or market-stall clobber. Babies however, have no control in what garments they’re clothed in. Boys wear blue and girls get covered in pink, though both items will have the same eerie smiling bubble bee design.
People don’t mind buying cheap clothes for babies because they grow so appallingly quickly. Anything will do. Most tots are clad in hessian sacks aren’t they? If you're one of the rich and famous, life?s a little easier. Instead of actually buying clothes, it's sometimes appears that designers use newborn children as crawling billboards to promote their stuff. Marc Jacobs won't be complaining after mystery child Blue Ivy Carter has been seen in his tiny person?s shoes.
If you did nothing but lounge around all day and just sit in your pants eating Space Raiders and drinking Tango, what would people think? They certainly wouldn't be jealous of your luxury lifestyle; instead they?d be calling you all sorts of rude and nasty names.
Switch this concept over to America and the opinion dramatically changes. Gone are the thoughts that you're an inept moron who can't grasp the concept of slip on shoes. Instead, our chums in the USA hail celebrity layabouts such as Paris Hilton and more recently, Kim Kardashian.
The Kardashian family are something of a sinister idea in itself. Start with controlling mother Kris who ensures all of her female offspring have the initials ?KK? and it makes for hilarious fun. Connections to the KKK are unknown. Unfamiliar to most of us until head daughter Kim had a blissful 72 day marriage, she now gets upset over criticism she receives. Such as comments made by Mad Men star Jon Hamm.
Do you know who Jessica Simpson is? Well, she’s having a baby. That’s right! She had unprotected sex and her assorted ovaries and whatnot worked sufficiently well enough to harvest a tiny, shitting human! And yes, we’re supposed to care because it is still regarded as ‘a little miracle’.
Now then, how do people usually first find out they’re preggo?
Some just know after throwing up in a morning. However, morning sickness means nothing if you’re so riddled with anxiety that you are constantly puking and dry-heaving. Some do a widdle on a pregnancy test stick and read the results. Not Jessica Simpson though. She suddenly found herself having something called “a conscience” and it was the baby transmitting messages to her brain, like some evil genius.
There are some stories, so mediocre and unexceptional that they make us wonder why we chose to continue living in a world that causes us so much pain on a daily basis. ?This is one of them.
Reality star and possible eater of souls, Kourtney Kardashian has revealed to the?uninterested?public that she’s having one of those babies which definitely doesn’t have a penis and which will one day be able to produce more?talentless?K Klan members. Or ‘ a girl’ if you like.
As there are already seventeen thousand women in the Kardashian family, there really is no need to burden the world with any more but selfish Kourtney seems to be happy about this and we don’t appear to have any say in the matter.
In news that will shock all right-thinking people, and leave the Beckhams kicking themselves that they didn't think of it first, Beyonce and Jay-Z are attempting to trademark their baby?s name, Blue Ivy.
we're not sure if we're allowed to even write ?Blue Ivy? without giving them some sort of remuneration, actually?
Following two unsuccessful attempts by money-grubbing opportunists to trademark Blue Ivy, the ludicrous couple have filed a patent application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to protect it, in the process managing to look really, really arrogant and a bit mental.
