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Axl Rose

Dr Pepper Gets A Full-On Guns N’ Roses Strop Attack

by Stuart Heritage

Axl Rose always keeps his promises – even promises that take about 20 years which nobody really cares about any more.

And if a tubby ginger hermit like Axl Rose can keep his promises, then he damn well expects a fizzy drinks company like Dr Pepper to as well. You’ll remember that Dr Pepper promised everyone in America a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year. Well, Guns N’ Roses did release Chinese Democracy this year but, thanks to a website snafu, hardly anyone got their free Dr Pepper.

And so Guns N’ Roses have literally got their lawyer to demand that Dr Pepper gives everyone their free drink regardless of the cost. It might seem like a heavyhanded gesture, but that’s nothing – Axl Rose is so furious about this mix-up that he’s decided to record a brand new album to deliberately address what he sees as Dr Pepper’s shoddy customer service. Expected release date – the year four hundred billion AD.

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China To Guns N’ Roses: ‘Hey, Wait A Minute…’

by Stuart Heritage

You know Chinese Democracy? The just-released album by Guns N’ Roses that was titled to deliberately upset the Chinese government?

Well, you’ll never guess what it’s just done. A newspaper published by the Chinese government’s ruling Communist Party has got upset with the title Chinese Democracy, and accused Guns N’ Roses of ‘turning its spear’ on China.

Not that the Chinese government has any real reason to worry about Guns N’ Roses’ spear – based on historical evidence we’d say that Axl Rose is going to spend the next 15 years polishing the spear to within an inch of its life, then get Shaquille O’Neal to do a rap about the spear, then build everybody’s expectations of the spear to the extent that it’ll be a horrible letdown to anyone who actually sees the spear. And then instead of stabbing anyone with it, he’ll just go and have a wank anyway.

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LISTEN: New Guns N’ Roses Single Guffed Onto The Radio

by Stuart Heritage

Question: how long does it take Axl Rose to write a song that sounds like the theme-tune to Biker Mice From Mars?

Answer: however long it’s taken Guns N’ Roses to record Chinese Democracy. Today is the day that many never thought they’d see in their lifetime – the day that the first single from Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses got officially played on the radio.

There’s a link to the song – also entitled Chinese Democracy – after the jump, but if you can’t be bothered, just imagine the background music from a 1980s regional ITV show about speedboats, but with a painfully long muttered intro that lasts for about an hour and doesn’t really go anywhere performed by a Stars In Their Eyes Axl Rose impersonator. Dr Pepper for everyone!

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Chinese Democracy: November 23, 2008. Apparently

by Shawn Lindseth

In 1492 when Axl Rose was first granted permission by Spanish royalty to seek out a shorter trade route to India, he set out at an eager pace. Instead of trade routes, however, he discovered the Americas. When his foot first set on the western world’s sandy shores he swore a solemn vow to one [...]

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Some Guy Arrested By FBI For Posting Songs From Chinese Democracy Online

by Shawn Lindseth

In the good ol’ days the only people lining jail cells were obvious witches, probable werewolves and all the wives of the king who were selfish in bed. Fast forward several centuries and you find much more relevant criminals locked up – like cattle thieves and rappers. Personally, we’d really like to see witches put [...]

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New Guns N’ Roses Song To Significantly Lessen Sales Of Rock Band 2

by Shawn Lindseth

Making an entire music album seems like it’d be pretty tough. Not only do you have to make sure the drums are synchronised just right with the rhythm guitar, but you have to keep firing your entire band every time one of them plays a note that will make your brand-new 14-year-old album less than [...]

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Chinese Democracy: Axl Rose Bribed With Fizzy Goodness

by Stuart Heritage

Axl Rose has been working on Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy for 14 years now, and in the absence of a release date, the big guns have been brought out.

OK, not really the big guns as such. The fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. Lots and lots of the fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. That instead of the big guns.

Fizzy drink company Dr Pepper has promised a free can of Dr Pepper to everyone in America if Guns N’ Roses release Chinese Democracy in 2008. What people do with it is up to them – they can either immerse themselves in the exhilarating complex effervescence of Dr Pepper or pound the unopened can against their temple until they’re unconscious because they’d rather suffer blunt force trauma than hear what a letdown Chinese Democracy is.

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