Thousands of men who very wrongly believe that having long, wispy hair somehow means people don’t notice their aggressive male pattern baldness are today breathing deep, sad sighs. Which could explain that odd smell of cabbage and bad beer we noticed when we left our house this morning.

Yes, Axl Rose has declared that there is no way the original Guns N’ Roses will get back together. Where the hell was this Axl Rose 20 years ago, eh?

The singer, epileptic dancer and all-round ginger bellhead made the promise in an interview with Spinner.com, during which he got in a right tizzy about former bandmate and professional labradoodle impersonator, Slash:

“He either should not have been in Guns to begin with or should have left after Lies … and the less anyone heard of him or his supporters, the better.”

Boom! In your face (after parting your curly ladyhair)! Axl don’t just hate you but your bitchass fans, too, who must be crazy for buying your albums, like the ones when you were with… that band… some years ago… oh, shit.

Apparently, the guy from Spinner stopped the interview shortly after Axl promised he wouldn’t get back together with his former bandmates.

He rushed off to the shops to buy a backup voice recorder, a backup to the backup voice recorder, some pens and paper for a lawyer to draw up a legally binding contract, and thirty seconds of airtime during every commercial break in the world for the next fifty years just to show a looped video of Axl Rose saying “I definitely honestly promise and swear and assert and affirm that my wanky band will never no way not ever get back together ever again”.

Of course, Axl Rose is secure in the knowledge that his own career is going so well, what with the release of a less-than-mega selling album featuring a guitar player who nonces round with a bucket on his head.

So, Axl, are you sure there could there never be a reconciliation?

“There’s zero possibility of me having anything to do with Slash other than by ambush, and that wouldn’t be pretty.”

No, it certainly wouldn’t.

It would be hilarious. An ambush of Slash by Axl Rose would look a lot like an elderly stoat – one with a disastrously ill-advised hairweave – leaping onto the back of a drunk badger wearing a tophat.

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And if a tubby ginger hermit like Axl Rose can keep his promises, then he damn well expects a fizzy drinks company like Dr Pepper to as well. You’ll remember that Dr Pepper promised everyone in America a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year. Well, Guns N’ Roses did release Chinese Democracy this year but, thanks to a website snafu, hardly anyone got their free Dr Pepper.

And so Guns N’ Roses have literally got their lawyer to demand that Dr Pepper gives everyone their free drink regardless of the cost. It might seem like a heavyhanded gesture, but that’s nothing – Axl Rose is so furious about this mix-up that he’s decided to record a brand new album to deliberately address what he sees as Dr Pepper’s shoddy customer service. Expected release date – the year four hundred billion AD.

Axl Rose and Dr Pepper are remarkably similar. They’re both ginger, for starters, plus they’re equally bubbly. And both of them have funny names and are only really enjoyed by massive idiots with no taste.

So back in March when Dr Pepper promised everyone a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy before the end of 2008, it seemed like such a brilliant marketing stunt. After all, not only did it give Dr Pepper more press coverage that it knew what to do with, but it was all free – Dr Pepper would never have to pay out because it was common knowledge that Axl Rose was going to stay locked up in his studio, tightening and untightening a solitary cymbal wingnut in his pants until it made the exact sound he wanted, which would be never because the exact sound he wanted was actually a mooing cow.

But anyway, this week the unthinkable happened. Guns N’ Roses actually released Chinese Democracy. And that meant three things:

1 - About four people who still think it’s 1991 were slightly thrilled.

2 - China got its knickers in a twist a bit.

3 - Everyone got a free Dr Pepper.

Except that last one didn’t actually happen. You see, what Dr Pepper meant when it said that everyone got a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year was that everyone gets a free drink, but only on the day of its release, and then only if you managed to get onto the Dr Pepper website to download the appropriate voucher before heavy traffic derailed it for most of that day.

And this set of near-impossible conditions has made Axl Rose so furious that he’s actually set his lawyer Alan Gutman onto Dr Pepper. Reuters reports:

Gutman is demanding that Dr Pepper makes good on its offer by extending the period for the offer; he also wants full-page apologies in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today and the Wall Street Journal. Gutman’s letter makes clear his view that the original campaign was an “exploitation of my clients’ legendary reputation and their eagerly awaited album” and “brazenly violated our clients’ rights.”

Oh, and money. Axl Rose wants money too. As if you needed to be told.

But although this is basically an argument about how people can’t get a free horrible-tasting drink because a rubbish band released a disappointing album within a certain timeframe, Axl Rose should be congratulated on his newfound attentiveness towards consumer affairs.

Not that we should be surprised, though – Axl Rose has had a long-standing interest in the world of customer service for some time now. It’s a little-known fact that Bad Apples was written about the returns policy of his local greengrocer, while Sweet Child O’ Mine was Axl’s angry reaction to the baby he received from a cannibalism website which tasted slightly tart when he had specifically requested a sugary one. True story*.

*Not a true story.

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Well, you’ll never guess what it’s just done. A newspaper published by the Chinese government’s ruling Communist Party has got upset with the title Chinese Democracy, and accused Guns N’ Roses of ‘turning its spearpoint’ on China.

Not that the Chinese government has any real reason to worry about Guns N’ Roses’ spear – based on historical evidence we’d say that Axl Rose is going to spend the next 15 years polishing the spear to within an inch of its life, then get Shaquille O’Neal to do a rap about the spear, then build everybody’s expectations of the spear to the extent that it’ll be a horrible letdown to anyone who actually sees the spear. And then instead of stabbing anyone with it, he’ll just go and have a wank anyway.

Some said this day would never come – after a wait of approximately 350 years, more false starts than you could possibly count and the still-unexplainable employment of a man called Buckethead who always had a bucket on his head, Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses has finally been released, to the clear delight of the thirtysomething middle-management family men who made up the band’s angry young fanbase back when they were popular.

It’s been a labour of love for Axl Rose, a man who made it his own personal mission to create a semi-decent album that’s swaddled in so many overdubs, whooshy sound effects and random one-word dips into befuddling comedy Transylvanian accents that listening to it all the way through feels like scuba-diving through week-old trifle.

The weight of expectation around Chinese Democracy is so immense that it’ll never sell enough copies to justify the years and years of work ploughed into it. Unless, you know, the biggest country in the world is stupid enough to take the bait and get wound up about an album title that’s been common knowledge since the mid-1990s.

Which, hey, it has. AP reports:

In an article Monday headlined “American band releases album venomously attacking China,” the Global Times said unidentified Chinese Internet users had described the album as part of a plot by some in the West to “grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn.” The album “turns its spear point on China,” the article said.

We can’t help feeling that China might be overreacting a little bit here. Look, something tells us that Axl Rose probably wouldn’t be able to grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn if he wanted to. It took the poor sod about 15 years to come up with an album that sounds like the mediocre soundtrack to a documentary about monster trucks, for crying out loud. The sun will have expanded and swallowed Earth up by the time Axl’s even decided with shoes he’d like to wear for grasping and controlling the world using democracy as a pawn.

But still, at least China has got all this anti-Guns N’ Roses sentiment out of its system now. And with that it can begin concentrating on something a bit more relevant, like the hints of racism in that Chinaman sketch by hot new up-and-coming comedian Benny Hill.

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Answer: however long it’s taken Guns N’ Roses to record Chinese Democracy. Today is the day that many never thought they’d see in their lifetime – the day that the first single from Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses got officially played on the radio.

There’s a link to the song – also entitled Chinese Democracy – after the jump, but if you can’t be bothered, just imagine the background music from a 1980s regional ITV show about speedboats, but with a painfully long muttered intro that lasts for about an hour and doesn’t really go anywhere performed by a Stars In Their Eyes Axl Rose impersonator. Dr Pepper for everyone!

Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses was always going to be Axl Rose’s masterpiece. For close to 15 years now, he’s hunkered down in his studio, tweaking and primping his opus. Guest stars like Brian May, Shaquille O’Neal and the last 18 line-ups of Guns N’ Roses have been hired and fired. Even before a note of it was heard by anyone, it was clear enough that Chinese Democracy was going to be the most long-awaited overblown directionless muddle ever recorded.

And now it’s time to see exactly how much of a let-down Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses is going to be. After countless decade-long set-backs, Chinese Democracy is being released next month and, as is traditional, it is being preceded by a single, which is also called Chinese Democracy.

People, that single got its first radio play today. Reuters reports:

The title track from the upcoming Guns N’ Roses’ album “Chinese Democracy” will be available to download by U.S. radio outlets on Wednesday. Although some album tracks leaked this summer, this is the first authorized new music from the rock band in nine years.

Since Chinese Democracy has been sweated over for so long, it’s bound to throw the entire music industry spinning off into a thrilling brand new direction or – failing that – the 37-year-old men who liked Appetite For Destruction when they were 16 will buy it, listen to it once, maybe download two songs from it onto their iPod and never listen to it again.

Which will it be? Well, why don’t you listen to Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses now and find out.

What do we think of Chinese Democracy? Funny you should ask. Well, aside from the fact that a full minute of the song is wasted between the guffy scene-setting intro and the widdly-woo explosion ending, and the fact that we’re almost certain that Axl Rose is singing “All I’ve got is Princess Di” in the chorus – which is factually incorrect because all he’s actually got is a set of rubbishy ginger dreadlocks and a bit of a tummy – we’re confident in saying that Chinese Democracy is certainly one of the best songs of the year.

It’s just a shame that the year in question is 1991.

In 1492 when Axl Rose was first granted permission by Spanish royalty to seek out a shorter trade route to India, he set out at an eager pace.

Instead of trade routes, however, he discovered the Americas. When his foot first set on the western world’s sandy shores he swore a solemn vow to one day release an album to honor that occasion. He gave a title – Chinese Democracy. A strange name for the album’s occasion, if you ask us.

But alas, he certainly has taken his time in fulfilling that oath. He has been busy though – what with all that ending slavery, covering all of WWII with a warm blanket of peace, and flying to the moon in a rocket-ship he built himself just for the self satisfaction of beating Neil Armstrong to it. Also he translated the bible back to the original Greek. He never took credit for the latter.

But apparently he’s cleared his schedule – because a Chinese Democracy release date has reportedly been set.

It wasn’t so long ago that Axl Rose’s legal team sucked the marrow from the bones of some kid who posted most of Chinese Democracy online without anybody’s permission. Before that he told Rock Band 2 they could steal as many of his songs as they wanted. Before that he said concretely that he was a Mr. Pibb man, and definitely never intended to ever be anything else.

Most recently though, Rose said he’s finally ready to unleash his musical infant-opus on the global public. Well, technically he didn’t say that – but people close to him have. According to Billboard.com:

“More than a decade after its conception, Guns N’ Roses’ “Chinese Democracy” will finally see the light of day before year’s end, sources close to the situation confirm to Billboard. As first reported here, the set will be a Best Buy exclusive and will be available Sunday, Nov. 23, rather than the usual Tuesday.”

Well that’s probably good news for several people. As for us, we’re more looking forward to the album he puts out after Chinese Democracy. We’ve heard working titles are: Don’t Be Afraid To Drink Chinese Milk Anymore, Hey kid – You Sucking on A Chinese Toy? Well By Gum Keep Doing It, Sorry Your Pets Died Eating Chinese-made Pet Food, But They’ve Got It Under Control Now, or some other title that’ll never ring true.

Somebody get that guy a Grammy shelf.

Fast forward several centuries and you find much more relevant criminals locked up – like cattle thieves and rappers. Personally, we’d really like to see witches put back on the list – and quickly, before they again snare the hearts of men with their dancing and such.

Perhaps the most shocking new addition, at least to the American jail system, is a Guns N’ Roses fan who posted nine secret songs from Chinese Democracy onto his website. He was full-on arrested by the FBI Wednesday morning for violating federal copyright laws.

We heard a deputised Axl kicked in the door himself. Well, he had a servant kick the door in, but then he ran in growling right behind that same servant. And then he stood there glaring with his arms folded as that same servant again put the kid in cuffs.

We really wonder what that butler’s job description was when he originally applied for the job.

Kevin Cogill is a 27-year-old man who thought it would be a good idea to post nine Chinese Democracy songs on his website. Can you blame him though? He was probably hoping his act would result in 200 million Dr Peppers being dispersed to Americans all over the country. 700 million if illegal Mexicans are lumped in.

It didn’t though. All it got him was handcuffed and introduced to a cellmate who keeps testing the waters by saying things like ”I think we’re alone now” and “We tumble to the ground and then you say…”

Cogill’s site, antiquiet.com, got a ton of traffic from the posting – enough that it caused everything to crash. A cease and desist letter came in the mail or something, and the kid was quick to comply. It was too late though – the federal wheels were already turning. Here’s all the info the LA Times has provided:

“A man accused of posting nine previously unreleased songs by the rock band Guns N’ Roses on a website where they could be accessed by the public was arrested at his home early today on suspicion of violating federal copyright laws, authorities said. Kevin Cogill, 27, is accused of posting the songs, which were being prepared for commercial release, on the Internet blog Antiquiet in June, according to an arrest affidavit.”

Bail’s been set at $10,000, and if convicted the kid actually faces up to five years in the slammer. It could be worse. What if he got sentenced to be a G&R guitarist? Imagine all that sitting around the studio watching Rose play with knobs and levers endlessly, and hearing the words “You know what? Let’s record that last part again,” for ten years and counting.

Absolutely brutal.

If you are absolutely dying to hear a track – you’ll just have to buy Rock Band 2. Not us though.

We’re too busy waiting for the rumored Captain & Tennille 12 track opus. Supposedly – they use two orchestras on it.

Not only do you have to make sure the drums are synchronised just right with the rhythm guitar, but you have to keep firing your entire band every time one of them plays a note that will make your brand-new 14-year-old album less than classic. Also, you can get vital nutrient-sucking worms if you decide to record in South America.

Axl Rose is all too aware of this – that’s why his album still isn’t coming out. A new song is though – on a video game. The good news is it’s new GNR, the bad news is the only way you’ll be able to actually hear it is when your dad fancies himself a frontman whenever his brother comes over.

Excruciating.

A new Guns N’ Roses song is going to be included on the forthcoming Rock Band 2 video game. It’s called Shackler’s Revenge, and although it hasn’t leaked to date, a few years ago one called There Was A Time did – it’s so good it makes us want to get fat and wear bandannas. Go on and Google it.

Rumor has it this Shackler’s Revenge song was inspired by Pirates Of The Caribbean 2, which Rose is said to own the director’s cut in both DVD & Blu Ray formats. There’s an entire verse dedicated to Johnny Depp getting eaten by an octopus. We heard it details Depp’s succession through the monsters digestive tract. A sample line is:

“now your [sic] in it’s tummy because you tasted so yummy, now your [sic] in the intestine, better not be a pest in (there).”

Well at least it rhymes, right? Needless to say it’s a far cry from people being in jungles with babies and what-not. Also it’s a far cry from true.

According to GNR’s own website:

“Get Ready for Shackler’s Revenge. The track from the upcoming Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy will appear on the video game Rock Band 2, slated for release for the Xbox 360 platform in September.”

Still no word as to a solid release date, but if it ends up being in 2008 everybody in the US will get a Dr. Pepper. Throw in some Twizzlers and a fruit pie and maybe we can get that guy moving.

OK, not really the big guns as such. The fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. Lots and lots of the fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. That instead of the big guns.

Fizzy drink company Dr Pepper has promised a free can of Dr Pepper to everyone in America if Guns N' Roses release Chinese Democracy in 2008. What people do with it is up to them – they can either immerse themselves in the exhilarating complex effervescence of Dr Pepper or pound the unopened can against their temple until they're unconscious because they'd rather suffer blunt force trauma than hear what a letdown Chinese Democracy is.

The thing about great lost albums is that there's usually a reason why they're lost in the first place. Take Smile, for instance – for 35 years Beach Boys fans frothed and bickered about how great it really was, and then when it was released in 2004 everyone listened to it once, pulled a 'that's a bit self-indulgent' face and never played it again.

And that's Smile, for christ's sake – The Album That Made Brian Wilson Mad. Compare that to the long-delayed Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy – The Album That Made Axl Rose Quite Fat at best. Chances are that whatever kernel of quality was created in the inception of Chinese Democracy was tinkered with and overdubbed into a narcissistic $13 million mess of Shaquille O'Neal guest-raps nine or ten years ago, but people still get excited by the prospect of its release.

Most recently it was promised that Chinese Democracy would be released in 2006, but that didn't happen. Then a 2007 Chinese Democracy release date came and went and everything fell silent again, roughly around the same time that Chinese Democracy was going to redefine the term 'bloated'.

But some people still want to hear what kind of flabby, directionless mess Axl Rose has come up with and, oddly enough, they all work for Dr Pepper. Knowing that just about the only thing that can tempt Axl Rose out of his cave is the promise of oddly-tasting carbonated muck, Dr Pepper has offered a free can of drink to everyone in America if Rose can get himself together enough to release Chinese Democracy this year. Reuters reports:

Now, Dr Pepper thinks it's up to the challenge. The soft drink company says it will give a free can of Dr Pepper to "everyone in America" (excluding ex-Guns members Slash and Buckethead) if "Chinese Democracy" arrives anytime during the calendar year 2008. Rose responded on his band's web site that the band was "surprised and very happy to have the support of Dr Pepper." But the offer did not prompt him to rose to the challenge.

Of course, it'll never happen. Axl Rose seems so far down the rabbit hole with Chinese Democracy at this point that the only way we'll ever get to hear it is if Axl Rose suddenly dies and his record label releases a deluxe-packaged 90-CD box set of the Chinese Democracy sessions, 86 CDs of which will just be the sound of Axl Rose making infinitesimal alterations on a flange pedal for hours on end.

But, hey, what is it with soft drink companies taunting pop groups today? First Pepsi makes Billy Corgan throw a tantrum and now Dr Pepper is teasing Guns N' Roses? At this rate Panda Pops will have made one of Scouting For Girls cry by sundown. Please let's not allow this atrocity to happen. Not on our watch.

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Dr Pepper issues challenge to Guns N' Roses - Reuters