Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Rock music is all about big parties, big hair and big mountains of cocaine that you can slam a groupie’s head into, isn’t it? Not if you’re Axl Rose and all you want is to get your head down for a couple of hours.
Perhaps we’re being too harsh on ol’ castrato-voice himself but this is- without a doubt- the most boring news story in Rock. That’s right folks, this one’s a stinker.
Axl Rose wanted blackout blinds for his penthouse suite so he could get some kip.
Remember when Slash was in a band? Then he wimped off because he was getting picked on by a man in cycling shorts, preferring to job it as a guitar slag for hire? Well, in addition to ‘guitar solo for hire’, he’s now?Jim Carrey’s relationship advisor!
No, honestly he is.
Carrey got all?heartbroken following the breakdown of a relationship, so for seemingly no reason at all, Slash decided he was the man to cheer him up, all the while, wearing his Papa Lazaru top-hat and afro combo! Awww!
That Axl Rose is a nice, reasonable, not completely batpiss mental fella isn’t he? No, you might think that all the business with bullying the behatted Slash was all a bit much, but really, wouldn’t you pick on a berk from Stoke who looked like that?
Course you would.
Naturally, what with Axl being absolutely misunderstood, former Guns N’ Roses members aren’t looking forward to the group’s induction at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They think kitten Axl is going to spoil it all in some way.
Axl Rose has once again proved to the world that he’s a massive douchebag.? We’re talking an orchestral rock, 8 minutes 57 seconds, inapproriate wedding dresses, helicopter shots of churches, epic douchebag.
But you knew that didn’t you?? Look at him, he’s a 12 year old girl that’s been doing hard drugs for 30 years.? What’s he done lately? Not much, pissed off his few remaining fans by playing diva at gigs and making them wait 15 bloody years for a lacklustre album that nobody bought.
It seems poor Rose can’t take the fact that we all still love Slash.? He’s still a rock god, still making fairly good rock, still not wearing stupid blonde hair extensions and he’s still making money.? Which Rose clearly isn’t.
Axl Rose is a bloated prick isn’t he? Seriously. He’s an astonishingly shit human. He preens about this Earth like his balls are clad in gold, when really, he’s just a chubby shrieker with a chemically peeled pink head. These days, he’s less the frontman for a rock group and more like a pi?ata filled with faeces.
And hilariously, the Irish didn’t mind letting him know. Of course, he’s well known for making the people he’s supposed to love (the fans) wait and wait without regard for them in the slightest, by entering the live arena as late as he possibly can.
As such, the Irish took the pi?ata feeling and tried to knock his insides out with bottles.
The highlight of this weekend’s Reading and Leeds Festival was probably the performance by the Guns N’ Roses tribute band.
They were awesome. Admittedly they didn’t get the details quite right – there was no Slash lookalike and the guy pretending to be Axl Rose was fairly obviously an obese ginger transvestite sea lion who appeared to have never heard a single Guns N’ Roses song in his entire life – but on the whole it was pretty good.
What? That was actually Guns N’ Roses onstage? The real Guns N’ Roses? Seriously? Christ, in that case they were terrible. And, because they were pulled offstage before the end of their set for breaking the festival’s curfew, they’re all now furious. Or at least as furious as a person can be when they’re dressed up like Mick Hucknall‘s drunken line-dancing auntie, anyway.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Axl Rose is a massive prick. Okay, it’s obvious that this joke needs work, but the punchline is pretty truthful as rock ‘n’ roll’s most warped ego flops around Europe like the Emperor in his new clothes.
Yes indeed, the world’s most average hard rock band – well, Axl Rose and a bunch of people who are willing to be bossed around by him under the GNR banner – are to play their hugely underwhelming Chinese Democracy LP to European brains, who no doubt, will be egging the band on to play Sweet Child O’Mine and piss-off into the night.
Fat chance.
Guns N? Roses’ bloated and abhorred frontman and only original member Axl Rose appears to have had yet another meltdown, this time announcing the cancellation of his entire world tour.
Not content with alienating himself from his bandmates, making the most expensive flop in music history, delaying any and all Guns N’ Roses output however he can as well as routinely showing up late for and randomly cancelling shows, Rose may have just decided to go all out and cancel every show he plans to play in the entire world!
Axl Rose, as many have pointed out before us, is an anagram of Ego Driven Prick. Or something. So yeah! Whoop! Hard rocks most irritating band are coming to the UK to hand out lawsuits and get, like, rreeaallly drunk and turn up 9 hours late for a show!? WAHOO!
Boy howdy! Guns N’ Roses could well be causing yet another riot in your hometown with the announced UK tour of their Chinese Democracy LP.
These shows are the band’s first arena concerts in the UK in four years.
We have news to make you skip to work this morning! You big girls. No more Guns N’ Roses! EVER!
Thousands of men who very wrongly believe that having long, wispy hair somehow means people don’t notice their aggressive male pattern baldness are today breathing deep, sad sighs. Which could explain that odd smell of cabbage and bad beer we noticed when we left our house this morning.
Yes, Axl Rose has declared that there is no way the original Guns N’ Roses will get back together. Where the hell was this Axl Rose 20 years ago, eh?
