awful - HecklerSpray

Lana Del Rey: Doesn’t Really Care About Music At All, But Expects You To

January 26th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Years ago, a smarter scribe than this wrote of ‘air-conditioner music’, which is to say, music stopped putting something into a room and instead, started trying to remove it. And removing everything out of a room, apart from the earless saps who buy it, is Lana Del Rey, the most tepid popstar in history.

She’s Dido, only NME approved.

And Lana doesn’t really like music. Why should she? She’s a spoiled little rich girl who doesn’t have to worry about striving to make great art or towering pop. In fact, so insincere is Del Rey that she’s constantly thinking about walking away from music. She simply can’t be bothered.

BRIT Awards Nomination Sadness: Ed Sheeran Still Horrendous

August 7th, 2012 By Euan L Davidson

The annual circle-jerking of overrated, but cosy, inoffensive British acts on major labels are all getting a trophy and a party bag. The Wanker Olympics Category Thing – or the BRIT Award Nominations as they’re more commonly known – have been announced, much to the chagrin of anyone with the remotest taste in music.

Sub-Jack-Johnson-and-no-really-there-are-worse-people-than-Jack-Johnson ginger Ed Sheeran has been nominated for 4 awards; if you don’t know Sheeran, he makes sickly, boring ballads for drunk, fat people to sing at 3am outside clubs, and all of his fans are terrible. It’s even worse when he tries rapping.

James Blake was nominated for British Male Solo Artist along with Noel Gallagher, Professor Green and others, which is insulting, because James Blake is genuinely talented [if you like drip-hop that has all the verve and guile of a life-support machine slowly dying itself, that is – Ed].

Dancing on Ice Review: Too Many Andys

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Dancing on Ice. It's always been the runty sibling of the celeb reality shows, hasn't it? Relegated to Sunday nights in January when anyone with any sense is in the pub breaking every single resolution all at once. They may be missing a show that clearly has the best premise of any show ever broadcast ever, but they don’t care. The fools.

The magic of DOI is that its full celebrities so desperate for attention that they're willing to brain themselves on some frozen water in the vain hope that they might get a feature in Closer magazine about their incredible new figure.

They?re putting themselves in actual, mortal danger. Because they want to be back on TV. Does anything ever get better than that?

It’s The Desperate Slags On Ice Lineup Everybody! Is Your Favourite Sugababe In Here?!

January 4th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Still reeling from the Christmas carbohydrate intake and eventually calming down from the unfortunate and thinly veiled insults from your elderly, racist grandmother? Well don't get too comfortable because your rage-meter is set to reach all new, Jeremy Clarkson-esque highs with the unveiling of the Desperate Slags on Ice lineup.

Dancing On Ice always been a one-stop WTF shop, comprised of people you'd generally forgotten had even existed, only to turn up, get their face smashed off ice and then slink off into The Bill or Holby City, or if they're lucky, series 300 of My Family.

It's the final stop on the bus ride to celebrity oblivion before Celebrity Big Brother with Michael Barrymore and whatever natural body parts of Pete Burns are left.

Jessie J Loses Her Rag About Twitter Users… On Twitter

November 29th, 2011 By Robin Darke

Jessie J has torn a strip or two off all those people who dared to question the quality on prime time TV’s second favourite show, The X Factor. On which she was awful. Not even a tiny bit awful like this week’s reject, Janet Devlin.

It was worse than if Whitney Houston’s coked almost of existence performance had sexy love bumps with Robbie Williams’ X Factor attempt, died and made Britney Spears’ Womanizer performance its legal guardian.

It was that bad.

Westlife Say They’ll Never Get Back Together While We Preemptively Call Them Hypocrites

November 4th, 2011 By Michael Park

Hello. Are you a Westlife fan, troubled by the news that your Princes are going away to enjoy their moneyed-lives with their families and friends? Are you worried that there will suddenly be a void of mawkish, soaring ballads to sooth you while you self-harm in a bath of ice?

It’s bad news we’re afraid.

Westlife’s members have confirmed that the musical equivalent of an itchy jumper are unlikely to ‘do a Take That’ and get back together in a few years. Is it because Take That were always more relevant to pop music or is it because the Boyzone tribute market isn’t as lucrative as it once was? Who knows. Certainly not us.

Justin Bieber’s “Someday” Gives His Beliebers False Hope

July 18th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Over at the hecklerspray bedsit, we've been getting a little bit worried about our favourite singing foetus, Justin Bieber. We genuinely thought that the little runt had burnt himself out after constant album promotion, touring and trying to work out how Selena Gomez?s vagina works.

Apparently not though: Justin has still found the time to record a new, undoubtedly woeful, track with buck-toothed punching enthusiast Chris Brown.

Instead of recording rubbish new songs, it seems that Justin Bieber has been working to exploit other gaps in the market. Basics such as posters, cutlery and blenders have probably been covered. So now he's taking the plunge into perfume (not literally, you understand).

Badvertising: Carlsberg & The Feats Of Human Endeavour

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Beer. Lager. Come on folks. We all love a nice cool, refreshing lager after a hard day sitting in the bedsit, angrily hacking words into our typewriters but lager advertising is notorious for playing up to ‘laddy’ stereotypes or generally misrepresenting the product as being anything more than yellow piss-water that no-one in their right mind would splash out three quid on.

Beer advertising is a minefield. On the one hand you have pressure from the public saying “GIVE US MORE BOOZE AND GIVE US IT CHEAPER!” and on the other there is pressure from regulators and central government saying, “DON’T GIVE THEM MORE BOOZE, THEY KEEP HITTING EACH OTHER ?WITH BROKEN BOTTLES!”

Under such pressure it is difficult to encourage people to consume the product in quantity which, make no mistake, is exactly what alcohol manufacturers want you to do. The more you buy, the more they sell to pubs, clubs, supermarkets and off-licenses.

Badvertising: Cohabitation & Why It’s Not That Funny

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Hello, readers! There’s a Royal Wedding tomorrow! I’m sure you’ve missed most of the coverage though, the press and media have decided to be quite low-key in their build up to the nuptials and have decided just to show the odd quick snippet of footage just to remind people that it’s actually happening.

Here at hecklerspray we want to offer our own form of congratulations and advice to the happy couple who are going to spend most of their lives dodging the limelight. Married life, eh? Living with someone? It’s tough, it really is.

In sitcoms, relationships are used as devices to reveal character traits that one would usually miss, usually a negative one for comic effect. Or, in the case of Two & A Half Men, to parallel Charlie Sheen’s life for no comic effect whatsoever.

Badvertising: Nando?s Showcase Worst Food On Earth With Woeful Wrappers Delight Video

August 7th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

We still don't get the hype surrounding Nando?s and why people will fork out money for rubbery tasting chicken cooked in herbs and spices that tastes like a pub’s drip tray. But then again, we're not young, hip individuals who want to be seen in one of the supposed coolest eateries in the UK.

As Wendy?s recently showed on these pages, combining hip-hop with motivational training videos doesn't quite work.

However, we have to appreciate that Wendy?s pioneered this in the eighties when the world was a worse place. Nando?s has waited its turn and attempted to do the same thing, roping in ?celebrities? including, Goldie, Andi Peters, Melinda Messenger, Johnny Vaughan, Lisa Snowdon, Chris Fountain (Hollyoaks), Andy Collins, Kyran Bracken, Chris Parker (Eastenders). What could go wrong?