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Awards

Justin Timberlake To Give Awards To Athletes Or Something

by hecklerspray staff

We love sports. Sports are awesome.

We love watching that Kobe Byrant shoot touchdowns and that guy Jessica Simpson is dating do really bad at footballing stuff when she’s watching the match. But just once instead of the quarterback yelling plays we’d like him to yell “Blue, Shimmy-two! Blue, Shimmy-two!”, and see the entire offensive line bust into some dancing, boy band-style.

Well, we may be in luck because Justin Timberlake is slated to host the 16th annual ESPY awards this year on ESPN. It was a tough decision for the folks at ESPN, but this year clearly wasn’t the right time Clay Aiken. Go, JT!

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Miley Cyrus To Give Trinkets To Cowboys

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve come to realise that it’s just a matter of time before Miley Cyrus has us all in the iron grip of a malevolent dictatorship now.

Why? Well, as if having a top-rated TV show, a number one movie and a bunch of chart-topping albums, isn’t enough, now it’s been revealed that Miley Cyrus is going to host the CMT awards.

You heard correctly – Miley Cyrus is going to host this year’s CMT awards. The world’s third-biggest country and western-themed awards show. It doesn’t get much bigger than that. Apart from the world’s second-biggest country and western-themed awards show, or the world’s first-biggest country and western-themed awards show. Or any other awards show at all. Is there no stopping this Miley Cyrus woman?

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Angelina Jolie Definitely Either Pregnant Or Just Fairly Lumpy

by Stuart Heritage

The whole ‘Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn’t she pregnant’ debate has literally been the one major talking point of everyone in the universe over the last few weeks.

Actually, that’s a lie. The ‘Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn’t she pregnant’ debate hasn’t been anything like a talking point at all because the answer is yes, Angelina Jolie is very obviously pregnant and only an idiot would question it.

And to make it clearer, Angelina Jolie was seen at an awards show this weekend in a tiny dress with her belly poking out. So it’s either pregnancy or irritable bowel syndrome; something we’ve chosen to uncover by hooking a secret microphone up to Angelina Jolie’s arse and measuring how loud and messy-sounding all her farts are. Honestly, you can thank us later.

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Daniel Day-Lewis Picks Up One Of Them SAG Awards

by Stuart Heritage

This weekend it emerged that a 10-tonne satellite the size of bus will smash into Earth at 22,000mph in the next couple of weeks – leaking all sorts of hazardous substances – and nobody knows where it’ll hit, putting millions at risk.

In other news, some actors think that Daniel Day-Lewis is quite good at doing acting.

The SAG awards took place last night, and because it’s just about the only awards show where nobody will get booed by the people who write Smallville just for attending, almost every single actor in the world turned up. And by now you’ll already be able to guess who won.

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Some Film Critics Think There Will Be Blood Is Decent

by Stuart Heritage

There Will Be Blood – the film about how many words Daniel Day-Lewis can say in a funny voice within the space of two and a half hours – is really doing rather well at winning awards this year.

Although it has already won a bunch of awards already, There Will Be Blood is still gaining momentum all the time, picking up a handful of awards at Saturday night’s National Society Of Film Critics awards in New York for Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Director and Best Cinematography. Now, the continuing success of There Will Be Blood – along with that of its rivals No Country For Old Men and Into The Wild – might make it look as if I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry has been edged out of the Oscars running, but we still live in eternal hope that Blake Clark gets the credit he deserves for imbuing Crazy Homeless Man with such dignified pathos.

There Will Be Blood - the film about how many words Daniel Day-Lewis can say in a funny voice within the space of two and a half hours - is really doing rather well at winning awards this year. Although it has already won a bunch of awards already, There Will Be Blood is still gaining momentum all the time, picking up a handful of awards at Saturday night's National Society Of Film Critics awards in New York for Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Director and Best Cinematography. Now, the continuing success of There Will Be Blood - along with that of its rivals No Country For Old Men and Into The Wild - might make it look as if I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry has been edged out of the Oscars running, but we still live in eternal hope that Blake Clark gets the credit he deserves for imbuing Crazy Homeless Man with such dignified pathos.
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Atonement Gets A Bunch Of Golden Globe Noms

by Stuart Heritage

The Golden Globes – the slightly drunk cousin of the Oscars that doesn’t really mind if Jack Nicholson shows up at 3am and widdles on its carpet – has just announced its nominations for next year’s awards.

And – out of nowhere considering the direction that awards season seems to be going in – Atonement has scored more Golden Globe nominations than anyone else. In all, Atonement has scored seven Golden Globe nominations – among them Best Actress for Kiera Knightley, Best Actor for James McAvoy and Best Director for Joe Wright. Although the competition will be harder than ever at a big awards show like the Golden Globes, Atonement is expected to win at least one trophy – either the Best Annoyingly Twittish Film About People Who Speak With Accents Like Dentists Drills or the By Christ Love Put Them Away For Once award for excessive and repeated nudity, both of which we’ve just made up.

The Golden Globes - the slightly drunk cousin of the Oscars that doesn't really mind if Jack Nicholson shows up at 3am and widdles on its carpet - has just announced its nominations for next year's awards. And - out of nowhere considering the direction that awards season seems to be going in - Atonement has scored more Golden Globe nominations than anyone else. In all, Atonement has scored seven Golden Globe nominations - among them Best Actress for Kiera Knightley, Best Actor for James McAvoy and Best Director for Joe Wright. Although the competition will be harder than ever at a big awards show like the Golden Globes, Atonement is expected to win at least one trophy - either the Best Annoyingly Twittish Film About People Who Speak With Accents Like Dentists Drills or the By Christ Love Put Them Away For Once award for excessive and repeated nudity, both of which we've just made up.
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LA Film Critics Think Daniel Day-Lewis Is Quite Good At Acting

by Stuart Heritage

Since we’d watch a 14-hour movie about a slowly-hardening eczema scab if Daniel Day-Lewis was in, we’ve come to the conclusion that he’s probably a fairly decent actor.

And that’s not just our opinion, either – all the film critics in Los Angeles seem to think so, too. Last night was the LA Film Critics Association’s turn to heap their shovel of opinion onto an already-boring awards season, and it’s named There Will Be Blood, the Paul Thomas Anderson drama starring Daniel Day-Lewis as a rich man who speaks slowly and leaves lots of pauses in sentences where you wouldn’t really expect them to, as the best film of the year. All in all at the annual vote, There Will Be Blood won four awards and came runner-up in three other categories, blowing the competition out of the water.

Don’t worry, I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry, we’re sure you’re still in with a chance somewhere, and we’ll keep wearing your garish promotional baseball cap until you get the recognition you deserve.

Since we'd watch a 14-hour movie about a slowly-hardening eczema scab if Daniel Day-Lewis was in, we've come to the conclusion that he's probably a fairly decent actor. And that's not just our opinion, either - all the film critics in Los Angeles seem to think so, too. Last night was the LA Film Critics Association's turn to heap their shovel of opinion onto an already-boring awards season, and it's named There Will Be Blood, the Paul Thomas Anderson drama starring Daniel Day-Lewis as a rich man who speaks slowly and leaves lots of pauses in sentences where you wouldn't really expect them to, as the best film of the year. All in all at the annual vote, There Will Be Blood won four awards and came runner-up in three other categories, blowing the competition out of the water. Don't worry, I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry, we're sure you're still in with a chance somewhere, and we'll keep wearing your garish promotional baseball cap until you get the recognition you deserve.
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Coen Brothers Win Dull Historian-Voted Award

by Stuart Heritage

No Country For Old Men, the new movie by the Coen brothers, is quite good – and we know this because a bunch of dusty old historians just said so.

The National Board of Review yesterday voted No Country For Old Men as the best film of 2007, the first high-profile movie awards to be handed out in what’s due to become a predictably tiresome three-month awards season. But that’s not the only reason why the National Board of Review awards are significant – they’ve also ensured that everyone will be so sick of the babble surrounding No Country For Old Men by February that it doesn’t even stand a sniff of a chance of winning an Oscar any more.

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