Punchdrunk or Lovesick?

Folded

• Adam Farmer drew a lovely picture of Chris Brown for us. You should really see it. Stop thinking about his penis.
• Phoenix Square – Everywhere needs a zombie contingency plan.
• Soviet Anti-Drinking Posters – Temperance is not something that we should be laughing at people.
• World War II - It wasn’t folded in any way. In fact, it was very, very creased but these photographs from the years preceding the war are still interesting.

Creased

• Shit London – Being the bitter lot that we are, most of us here in the hecklerspray bedsit think That London’s pretty shit as a rule but here is the “proof”.
• Jamie Oliver – Shut up, we’re all bored. And wear a tie, you’re on the BBC for fuck’s sake.
• Q – Now he’s young and hip. Like the James Bond films. Can’t we just have a zombie Desmond Llewelyn? It’s the only way we’re going to be happy.
• The Manor Reborn – Seriously? What the hell is this?

Black culture has always been the musical innovator, just waiting for everyone else to start ripping it off. The black community can sit smug, safe in the knowledge that they invented rock ‘n’ roll, the blues, jazz, hip hop, soul, reggae, dance music… and not country and western.

And so, with that, the MOBO Awards have always been a showcase for the things everyone else is going to ride the coattails of next year.

Not if you include the 2011 nominees though. Why? Because it’s a terrible list of nominations utterly dominated by Jessie J and other dross.

The impressively dislikeable Jessie J has managed to pick up five nods at the MOBO Awards, which of course, is going to further feed her notion that she’s ‘the real deal’ or, worse still, ‘the British Lady GaGa’. The crushing truth is that she’s 2011′s answer to Natasha Bedingfield.

And no-one wanted her either, despite bafflingly gigantic success around the world.

Adele, Tinie Tempah and Wretch 32 have all got themselves four nominations each. Adele must be wondering how she got noticed at all, what with her making the whitest, Radio 2 friendly music since Katie Melua last had a record out.

Sadly, 2011′s answer to Status Quo – Chase & Status – have also been nominated.

Kanya King, CEO and Founder of MOBO, had a sly dig at the Brit Awards and their Brit School, saying:

“We are very pleased with the level of this year’s nominees, including many emerging artists, some who have come from backgrounds where they haven’t been given a foot in the door, so-to-speak.

“These artists have shown real determination to make it happen.”

Expect lots of tribute to Amy Winehouse also. Now, here’s the full list of nominations for The MOBO Awards 2011:

Best UK Act

Adele
Chase & Status
Chipmunk
Example
Jessie J
Katy B
N-Dubz
Wretch 32
The Streets
Tinie Tempah

Best Newcomer

Alex Clare
Ed Sheeran
Emeli Sande
Jamie Woon
Jessie J
Loick Essien
Maverick Sabre
Rizzle Kicks
Yasmin
Wretch 32

Best UK Hip Hop/Grime Act

Giggs
Rizzle Kicks
Tinie Tempah
Wiley
Wretch 32

Best Video

Chipmunk featuring Chris Brown – ‘Champion’
Jessie J – ‘Do It Like A Dude’
Rizzle Kicks – ‘Down With The Trumpets’
Tinchy Stryder featuring Dappy – ‘Spaceship’
Wiley – ‘Numbers In Action’

Best International Act

Alexis Jordan
Aloe Blacc
Beyoncé
Bruno Mars
Cee Lo Green
Jason Derulo
Nicki Minaj
Rihanna
Snoop Dogg
Wiz Khalifa

Best Song

Adele – ‘Someone Like You’
Chase & Status featuring Tinie Tempah – ‘Hitz’
Jessie J – ‘Do It Like A Dude’
Tinie Tempah – ‘Wonderman’
Wretch 32 – ‘Traktor’

Best Album

Adele – 21
Chase & Status – No More Idols
Jessie J – Who You Are
Katy B – On A Mission
Tinie Tempah – Disc-Overy

Best UK R&B/Soul Act

Adele
Dionne Bromfield
Marsha Ambrosious
Mike Hough
Omar

Best Reggae

Alborosie
Damien Marley & Nas
Jah Cure
Khago
Mavado

Best Jazz Act

Denys Baptiste
Gwilym Simcock
Kairos 4tet
Matthew Halsall
Usonic

Best African Act

Cheikh Lo
D’Banj
Fatouma Diawara
Liquideep
Owiny Sigoma Band
Seun Kuti
SMOD
Spoek Mathambo
Vieux Farka Toura
Wizkid

Best Gospel Act

Bobby Bovell
Four Kornerz
Jayess
Junor Garr
Triple O

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The stupid Oscars have been and gone, with only a very select few giving the remotest of shits. Those that include themselves in that number are the people who will be making posters of all of Colin Firth’s new films and the simpering, worthy smug git who condescends the Davina McCall lookalike on the BBC’s Film show.

Oh, and we imagine there’ll be a whole host of stupid fashion writers all squeeing over various items of clothing, mixed with tubby women widening their eyes at people who have made a fashion faux-pas.

And so, because we’re legally obliged to announce the winners of the Oscars 2011, we’ve copy and pasted the list from somewhere else and replaced all the names of the winners with videos so you can try and work out who won yourself.

Of course, we could have simply stated who each winner was, but that is, in essence, churnalism. The desperate need to not be left behind in some imagined media stampede about an award show that no-one is really that fussed about anyway.

Who ever felt like a film was any better or worse because it won some stupid trophy?

If you’re the kind of person who only watches a film because it has been recognised by some shithouse in an expensive suit, then perhaps, you might like to go and throw yourself headfirst into oncoming traffic. Okay? Good.

Here are the winners.

Best Picture

Best Director

Best Actor

Best Actress

Best Supporting Actor

Best Supporting Actress

Best Foreign Language Film

Best Animation

Best Adapted Screenplay

Best Art Direction

Best Make-up

And there was a whole bunch of other winners but they were totally boring. Inception won some stuff but we couldn’t think of a funny video we could show for it because it is oh so stinkin’ worthy.

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Here at hecklerspray, nothing makes us happier than when celebs go fucking mental on Twitter. Yes, whether they’re assassinating each other using 140 character covered light-sabers, verbally battering mere mortals or just secretly swapping ‘cock shots’ with embarrassingly unattractive, money hungry strangers, we love nothing more than some good old unabashed Twitter beefing.

Recently masturbaters favourite Rihanna and slightly less bouncy but you probably still would, R&B singer Ciara, got involved in a some Twitter rage over Ri Ri’s brutal disrespecting of Ciara at some awards show party.

And you thought this Libyan revolt was important news?

Ciara wept:

“I ran into her recently at a party and she wasn’t the nicest, and it’s crazy because I’ve always respected what she’s done with fashion and I’ve ran into her before, but this time it wasn’t the most pleasant run-in, so…”

Obviously desperate to show her remorse for being an arse to Ciara and assure the public that she IS a nice person who would never stoop so low as to engage in a cat-fight, Rihanna responded with:

“My bad ci, did I 4get to tip you?” #howrudeofme

Well maybe not but we quite liked that reply anyway. Ciara responded with this hashtag free, slightly threatening response to being mistaken for the hired help:

“Trust me Rihanna. You don’t want to see me on or off the stage”

Of course she doesn’t.  She hates you.

To which Ri Ri made fun of her silly ‘gangsta’ ways, implied that Ci would have trouble actually booking the aforementioned stage and then probably went off into the night, sniffing the air for sex smells.

Disappointingly the pair made up shortly afterwards in a completely nauseating display of  ‘I love you, NO I love YOU more’,  leaving us feeling robbed and annoyed that we’d probably never get to see them angrily mud wrestle anywhere else except our own minds.

#Pussies

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We’ve had our run-ins with Muse fans on countless occasions in the past. We were all set to apologise to them this morning… then we found out that Muse are just desperately unlucky with the fans they attract. Every single one of them are absolutely mental.

And the tenuous proof? Well, one of Muse’s biggest fans is Glenn Beck. That means, if you like Muse, you’re a right-wing nutjob.

So Muse fans, feel free to confess that you agree with Beck by saying that you’re “thinking about killing Michael Moore” or that you believe Barack Obama is “a racist” and has a “deep-seated hatred for white people”.

That’s right kids! When Glenn Beck listens to Muse, the words of Matt Bellamy really speak to him. Beck understands that “Muse are English Libertarians” (whatever that means) and really identifies with the message of the group. So when he says things like…

“When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.”

…he may well have been inspired by Muse! That’s great isn’t it?

And now, Glenn Beck wants to weep uncontrollably about how great Muse were when they played ‘Uprising’ at the Grammy Awards.

In Beck’s eyes, the song is…

“a call for revolution”

As all Muse fans will agree, Beck has noted that Europeans have had it bad for a long time.

“Europeans have been degraded for a very long time. Really, since the beginning of time. They have had very few glimpses of real freedom.”

So he loved the fact that Muse were rallying against the machinery of the Western World! A world that, in Beck’s sobbing, damp eyes (and therefore, every Muse fan on the planet), is filled with pesky do-gooders bleating on about global warming (something Muse must agree with, what with them flying around in jet planes all the time and putting on stage-shows that are so large that they are actually powered by the tears of polar bears watching their natural habitat melt away beneath their feet, at a rate of one square mile per guitar solo).

And while some of you Muse fans may be tickled at the notion of these two seemingly disparate camps having anything in common, you have to admit, Muse fans, Muse themselves and Glenn Beck all share a fondness for stirring up stories about supposed apocalyptic futures, eh?

Have a listen to Beck wanking-off over the band and blurting everywhere about how much he loves the imagery of Muse’s songs.

Maybe Matt Bellamy is going to call his baby with Kate Hudson ‘Little Glenn’?

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Award ceremonies always guarantee a couple of moments that are repeated at every single show. Hilariously, there’s always the point when losing nominees have to graciously smile and clap, despite wanting to publically declare that the winner is nothing but muck on their shoe. Then when excessive alcohol bingeing kicks in, someone will make a slurred git of themselves.

Music ceremonies also signal the weird collaborations of two artists who normally wouldn’t dream of working together. Think of it in the same way as when making a sandwich. The humble BLT is a safe and classic option. Slipping in something different to improve it probably wouldn’t work, such as barbed wire or a bar of chocolate.

What we’re saying is that musical collaborations can usually be hailed as a spark of genius, or an utter mess. Rumours are circulating that Muse and Lady Gaga plan to combine forces. Uh-oh.

Muse and Lady Gaga are artists at total opposite sides of the musical spectrum. On the left, you Muse who pump out non-adventurous stadium sized rock turds without any hint of stepping outside the safety of the bubble that has strangely made them successful. Watching them play, it seems that the band sometimes can’t be bothered and to be frank, they’re like watching wobbling bags of tramp puke.

On the right, we have Lady Gaga who is one of the most daring and successful artists to come along in years. People might slag her off as an individual who sells based on her shock factor, but seeing she writes her own songs, plays piano and guitar, there isn’t really much difference between her and Muse frontman Matt Bellamy.

Well, there is actually, she appears to actively engage the people around her and entertain at the same time. As per usual, organisers of country & western award ceremony The Grammies have denied the possible collaboration, but Bellamy has spoken of his admiration for Lady Gaga in the past, telling radio station Triple J:

“I love her music. I think she’s an absolutely superb artist and I love the way she dresses. I really like her. I think she’s a great artist!”

Or what he really means. “I think her music is better than ours. I think she is a much better artist than us. I love the way she dresses so much that I got a suit made of carrots. I love her. I think she is much better than Muse because we are woeful.”

On the night of the 53rd Grammy Awards that are due to be broadcast on February 13th, Lady Gaga is due to perform her single “Born This Way.” Due to the typical nature of her stage performances, we assume she’ll sing the song inside a giant womb before breaking out of a rhinstone vagina. Or following the recent trend of female musicians to crossover in to the electronic world, Lady Gaga will do a Britney Spears. Not via the dubstep route, but with a four minute 150bmp treat of ear shattering breakcore with hints of gabber. (Pleeeease).

Whatever the outcome of any performance, we just want Muse frontman Matt Bellamy to actually smile and look like he’s having fun. Most of the time he appears to have the expression of a man who accidentally caught his penis in his zip. Not that he needs it. He spends most of his time wanking with his guitar.

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Oh deep bloody joy. The Oscars have announced their nominations for films which they think are better than other films which they may or may not have seen. Fantastic news. Cocaine dealers and chandelier menders, brace yourself for some action soon.

That’s right. An arbitrarily picked bunch of films are all being put forward as being really great, which of course, means that people who make posters for films will now be getting ready to cut and paste the words “Oscar nominated” on films starring Colin Firth or directed by Jeff Cronenweth.

We can barely contain our irritation.

However, being a pop-culture rag, we must (by law), publish the long list of names which you’ll not read or, indeed, skim read to see if you recognise any names of the actors and such. It’s fair to say we’re all hoping Gregory Funk goes well in the ‘Best Makeup’ category.

Unless, of course, you’re one of those dreadful movie buffs who bores everyone half stupid with endless facts about that actor who was in that thing, but went onto star in that other thing that no-one else watched.

Sigh.

Here’s the pissing nominations with an obligatory mention about how bloody marvellous The King’s Speech is. Hurray for stuttering blue bloods!

Nominations for 2011 Oscars

Actor in a Leading Role

Javier Bardem in “Biutiful”
Jeff Bridges in “True Grit”
Jesse Eisenberg in “The Social Network”
Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech”
James Franco in “127 Hours”

Actress in a Leading Role

Annette Bening in “The Kids Are All Right”
Nicole Kidman in “Rabbit Hole”
Jennifer Lawrence in “Winter’s Bone”
Natalie Portman in “Black Swan”
Michelle Williams in “Blue Valentine”

Actor in a Supporting Role

Christian Bale in “The Fighter”
John Hawkes in “Winter’s Bone”
Jeremy Renner in “The Town”
Mark Ruffalo in “The Kids Are All Right”
Geoffrey Rush in “The King’s Speech”

Actress in a Supporting Role

Amy Adams in “The Fighter”
Helena Bonham Carter in “The King’s Speech”
Melissa Leo in “The Fighter”
Hailee Steinfeld in “True Grit”
Jacki Weaver in “Animal Kingdom”

Animated Feature Film

“How to Train Your Dragon” Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois
“The Illusionist” Sylvain Chomet
“Toy Story 3” Lee Unkrich

Art Direction

“Alice in Wonderland”
Production Design: Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Karen O’Hara

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1”
Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan

“Inception”
Production Design: Guy Hendrix Dyas; Set Decoration: Larry Dias and Doug Mowat

“The King’s Speech”
Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Judy Farr

“True Grit”
Production Design: Jess Gonchor; Set Decoration: Nancy Haigh

Cinematography

“Black Swan” Matthew Libatique
“Inception” Wally Pfister
“The King’s Speech” Danny Cohen
“The Social Network” Jeff Cronenweth
“True Grit” Roger Deakins

Costume Design

“Alice in Wonderland” Colleen Atwood
“I Am Love” Antonella Cannarozzi
“The King’s Speech” Jenny Beavan
“The Tempest” Sandy Powell
“True Grit” Mary Zophres

Directing

“Black Swan” Darren Aronofsky
“The Fighter” David O. Russell
“The King’s Speech” Tom Hooper
“The Social Network” David Fincher
“True Grit” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

Documentary (Feature)

“Exit through the Gift Shop” Banksy and Jaimie D’Cruz
“Gasland” Josh Fox and Trish Adlesic
“Inside Job” Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs
“Restrepo” Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger
“Waste Land” Lucy Walker and Angus Aynsley

Documentary (Short Subject)

“Killing in the Name” Nominees to be determined
“Poster Girl” Nominees to be determined
“Strangers No More” Karen Goodman and Kirk Simon
“Sun Come Up” Jennifer Redfearn and Tim Metzger
“The Warriors of Qiugang” Ruby Yang and Thomas Lennon

Film Editing

“Black Swan” Andrew Weisblum
“The Fighter” Pamela Martin
“The King’s Speech” Tariq Anwar
“127 Hours” Jon Harris
“The Social Network” Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter

Foreign Language Film

“Biutiful” Mexico
“Dogtooth” Greece
“In a Better World” Denmark
“Incendies” Canada
“Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)” Algeria

Makeup

“Barney’s Version” Adrien Morot
“The Way Back” Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng
“The Wolfman” Rick Baker and Dave Elsey

Music (Original Score)

“How to Train Your Dragon” John Powell
“Inception” Hans Zimmer
“The King’s Speech” Alexandre Desplat
“127 Hours” A.R. Rahman
“The Social Network” Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

Music (Original Song)

“Coming Home” from “Country Strong” Music and Lyric by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and Hillary Lindsey
“I See the Light” from “Tangled” Music by Alan Menken Lyric by Glenn Slater
“If I Rise” from “127 Hours” Music by A.R. Rahman Lyric by Dido and Rollo Armstrong
“We Belong Together” from “Toy Story 3″ Music and Lyric by Randy Newman

Best Picture

“Black Swan” Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver and Scott Franklin, Producers
“The Fighter” David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman and Mark Wahlberg, Producers
“Inception” Emma Thomas and Christopher Nolan, Producers
“The Kids Are All Right” Gary Gilbert, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte and Celine Rattray, Producers
“The King’s Speech” Iain Canning, Emile Sherman and Gareth Unwin, Producers
“127 Hours” Christian Colson, Danny Boyle and John Smithson, Producers
“The Social Network” Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca and Ceán Chaffin, Producers
“Toy Story 3” Darla K. Anderson, Producer
“True Grit” Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
“Winter’s Bone” Anne Rosellini and Alix Madigan-Yorkin, Producers

Short Film (Animated)

“Day & Night” Teddy Newton
“The Gruffalo” Jakob Schuh and Max Lang
“Let’s Pollute” Geefwee Boedoe
“The Lost Thing” Shaun Tan and Andrew Ruhemann
“Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary)” Bastien Dubois

Short Film (Live Action)

“The Confession” Tanel Toom
“The Crush” Michael Creagh
“God of Love” Luke Matheny
“Na Wewe” Ivan Goldschmidt
“Wish 143” Ian Barnes and Samantha Waite

Sound Editing

“Inception” Richard King
“Toy Story 3” Tom Myers and Michael Silvers
“Tron: Legacy” Gwendolyn Yates Whittle and Addison Teague
“True Grit” Skip Lievsay and Craig Berkey
“Unstoppable” Mark P. Stoeckinger

Sound Mixing

“Inception” Lora Hirschberg, Gary A. Rizzo and Ed Novick
“The King’s Speech” Paul Hamblin, Martin Jensen and John Midgley
“Salt” Jeffrey J. Haboush, Greg P. Russell, Scott Millan and William Sarokin
“The Social Network” Ren Klyce, David Parker, Michael Semanick and Mark Weingarten
“True Grit” Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey, Greg Orloff and Peter F. Kurland

Visual Effects

“Alice in Wonderland” Ken Ralston, David Schaub, Carey Villegas and Sean Phillips
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1” Tim Burke, John Richardson, Christian Manz and Nicolas Aithadi
“Hereafter” Michael Owens, Bryan Grill, Stephan Trojanski and Joe Farrell
“Inception” Paul Franklin, Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley and Peter Bebb
“Iron Man 2” Janek Sirrs, Ben Snow, Ged Wright and Daniel Sudick

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

“127 Hours” Screenplay by Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy
“The Social Network” Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin
“Toy Story 3” Screenplay by Michael Arndt; Story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich
“True Grit” Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
“Winter’s Bone” Adapted for the screen by Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini

Writing (Original Screenplay)

“Another Year” Written by Mike Leigh

“The Fighter” Screenplay by Scott Silver and Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson;
Story by Keith Dorrington & Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson

“Inception” Written by Christopher Nolan

“The Kids Are All Right” Written by Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg

“The King’s Speech” Screenplay by David Seidler

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Phew, the summer movie season is over – now we can enjoy the more thoughtful awards season movies instead, like, um, The Dark Knight.

You see, even though every single living organism on the face of the Earth has already been to see The Dark Knight about 17 times already, producers are scared that the Academy will forget about it come Oscar nomination time, which is why they’ve pencilled in another theatrical release of The Dark Knight for January.

Of course, by January The Dark Knight‘s bloated special effects are going to look foolish up against the more intelligent, issue-led fare of awards season, which is why Christopher Nolan is currently busy re-editing the movie to make Batman look like the widower of mentally-disabled United Nations worker killed in Darfur by a missile built in Iraq but funded by the American government, who are obviously the real baddies in all of this.

The Dark Knight is officially a sensation. It’s the second-highest grossing movie in all of history; critics and fans have lavished it with praise, calling it one of the best movies ever made and it’s actually so good that we can’t even watch films any more because we end up projectile vomiting all over the upholstery because none of them are even a tenth as good as The Dark Knight.

But, despite all this, will The Dark Knight actually win any Oscars? Well, probably not. It might deserve a few, but it won’t win them for the following reasons:

1) Hollywood still has a stigma about rewarding superhero movies in the main Oscar categories.

2) The Dark Knight came out in the summer, and people only seriously consider movies for the Oscars if they’re released between October and February.

3) Sean Penn will probably release an incredibly serious movie right before the Oscars where he’ll play someone either disabled or historically significant and everyone who can vote for the Oscars will roll around on their backs playing with themselves going “Uuuuh, Sean Penn! Uuuuh, Sean Penn! Muh muh moo muh moo!” as soon as they see it and he’ll win everything instead.

Or at least that was the theory. But now the clever producers of The Dark Knight have struck upon a cunning ruse to jolt the movie back into everyone’s memory come Oscar time. No, sadly they’re not going to exhume Heath Ledger‘s body and make it dance marionette-style to the hits of Prince up and down the streets of Hollywood right before Oscar night.

Instead they’re just going to release The Dark Knight in cinemas again in January. BBC News reports:

Batman blockbuster The Dark Knight could be re-released in cinemas in January, ay the height of the Oscar voting season. Warner Bros is in talks with Imax over the prospect of restoring the film to some big-screen theatres. It is hoped the push will help the film’s Academy Award chances, trade paper The Hollywood Reporter said.

Oh, OK, maybe we should calm down a little in that case. The Dark Knight is only going to get re-released at Imax cinemas. That means, if it’s anything like the last run, we’ll never get tickets to see it anyway because all the showings will be sold-out, even a month in advance, even at 3am.

So, in that case, we’ll be giving our Oscar vote to Sean Penn this year.

At least you’re guaranteed your own row at his movies.

It’s a little later in the week than we’re used to seeing it but, here’s this week’s drunken catastrophe, folks: Lily Allen.

Who had bets on Lily Allen for this week? Odds were vastly in favor of another Amy Winehouse meltdown, but when Lily Allen showed up at the Glamour Magazine awards with bright pink hair and that glistening, boozy glow, she quickly became the hammered, career plummeting favourite.

And sure not to disappoint, we can all enjoy Lily Allen’s victory speech, also known as the morning after regretful blog entry.

Lily Allen’s appearance at the Glamour Magazine Awards in London earlier this week confirmed that if anything is constant in this world, it’s that celebrities will continued to get hammered in public and have to be carried off by some burly bodyguard, or something.

Lily Allen arrived at the awards with hot pink hair and accepted a special award from the editor for her ‘multi-faceted’ career.

So, according to the editor of Glamour magazine, the many facets of Lily Allen’s career that merit awarding are a crap TV show, being pregnant, not being allowed into America even though the words on the Statue of Liberty say they’ll take all the people no one else wants, not being pregnant anymore, and belting out a song here and there.

Sometime after accepting her award for having lots of facets and stuff, Lily Allen had to be carried out of the party after having a few too many drinks. It’s okay, though. She’s real sorry about it. Honest, you can officially read about it on her official MySpace blog. She officially writes:

“… I’m putting my hands up, I got very drunk last night, too drunk. It’s not cool getting that drunk. Kids, drink responsibly or you’ll end up looking like this, not pretty!”

That’s right, kids. You drink too much and you’ll end up looking like Lily Allen. Maybe Lily Allen’s parents drank too much and that’s how Lily Allen ended up looking like Lily Allen. Yikes. That’s enough to frighten anyone into sobriety.

This might come as a shock to those of you who thought that Phil Collins had already retired, but here goes – Phil Collins has just retired.

At yesterday’s Ivor Novello Awards, where we assume he won the Baldest Man To Have His Career Partially Resuscitated By A Drumming Monkey award, Phil Collins emotionally announced that he was retiring from the limelight to focus on raising his two young sons in Switzerland.

So now we’ll have to get used to a world without Phil Collins – a world where bad Disney cartoons about bears are left without a soundtrack, a world where Buster 2 will never materialise, and a world where both Noel Edmonds and Jeremy Clarkson will mope about in a fug of perpetual misery forever. So it’s not all bad, then.

This is turning into quite the week. First the Red Hot Chili Peppers announce their split – albeit temporarily – and now Phil Collins has decided to retire from performing as well. Quick, everyone close your eyes and concentrate as hard as you can – there’s obviously some sort of supernatural wish fulfillment thing going on here and we don’t want it to run out before we’ve got rid of The Kooks and Razorlight as well.

Anyway, back to Phil Collins. He’s been so much to so many people over the years – a beardy tit, a bald tit, a drumming tit, a singing tit, an acting tit, an emotionally immature tit, a tit in a rubbish band, a tit with a rubbish solo career, a Tory tit, a tax-dodging tit – that he’s become ingrained in the public consciousness, like a tick. Like a bald tick. A bald tick who only idiots like. That looks a bit like Bob Hoskins.

So trying to imagine a world without Phil Collins is almost impossible, at least until you realise that he released his last non-soundtrack, non-compilation album six years ago, that he’s lived in Switzerland for a decade and that he’s about as culturally relevant as a penny farthing made of turnips. Then it becomes surprisingly easy.

Nevertheless, Phil Collins announced his retirement while accepting his International Achievement prize at yesterday’s Ivor Novello awards in London. According to The Mirror:

The Genesis frontman was awarded the International Achievement gong and during an emotional speech said “the timing was appropriate” to stop performing as he had decided to concentrate on bringing up his two young sons in Switzerland. He joked the gorilla which played the drums in a TV chocolate advert to his hit In The Air Tonight, could take his place in Genesis. However, the 57-year-old said he would continue to write, adding: “Thank you very much and goodnight as it were.”

However, don’t let this vicious bald predator lull you into a false sense of security – Phil Collins has been threatening to retire for ages now, and yet he always seems to pop up again, whether it’s for a cartoon soundtrack or a sly Genesis reunion. So we shouldn’t relax too much yet, although his words did seem pretty final.

Other winners at the Ivor Novello awards included… oh, it’s no good. How could we possibly be able to think of anything else now that Phil Collins has decided to leave us? We’re heartbroken. Shocked and stunned and heartbroken and… no, wait, we were getting Phil Collins confused with Bob Hoskins again. Bob Hoskins isn’t retiring is he? No? Just Phil Collins? Oh, well in that case we’re alright with it.

Read more:

Phil Collins announces retirement at Ivor Novello Awards - Mirror

We love sports. Sports are awesome.

We love watching that Kobe Byrant shoot touchdowns and that guy Jessica Simpson is dating do really bad at footballing stuff when she’s watching the match. But just once instead of the quarterback yelling plays we’d like him to yell "Blue, Shimmy-two! Blue, Shimmy-two!", and see the entire offensive line bust into some dancing, boy band-style.

Well, we may be in luck because Justin Timberlake is slated to host the 16th annual ESPY awards this year on ESPN. It was a tough decision for the folks at ESPN, but this year clearly wasn’t the right time Clay Aiken. Go, JT!

The ESPYs are an annual awards show on ESPN that honour the best in professional sports over the past year. Last year LeBron James and Jimmy Kimmel hosted. LeBron James was obviously chosen for his athletic prowess, which made sense on the professional athlete side, and Jimmy Kimmel known for his fat man gut and beer-drinking prowess on the sports fan side. And who do they hire to host this year? Justin Timberlake. A spindly blonde guy that dances for a living and sings songs like Cry Me A River, which makes sense on no side.   

You may know Justin Timberlake from his hit song SexyBack (also known under the alternative title Bringing My Own Faux Sense of Appeal Back) but he’s also all over the hosting circuit. A regular at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, Justin recently inducted Madonkey, er, Madonna into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The man’s a hosting machine! But the ESPYs? That’s all a bit manly. Justin Timberlake doesn’t strike us as manliest man in the room. In fact, Justin Timberlake isn’t even the manliest man in a room full of WNBA players.

So what qualifies Justin Timberlake to be the host of an awards show for professional athletes? He’s a sports fan. No, no. Make that a sports junkie. Let's let Justin speak for himself:

“I’m very excited to be hosting the 16th edition of The ESPYs. I can’t wait for the day of the show as I’m truly a sports junkie. Since the last ESPYs, there have been amazing moments in sports and I’m looking forward to recapping all of them with ESPN’s diehard fans.”

There you have it, folks. Look for the ESPY’s on ESPN sometime in June, or something. In the meantime you can catch other qualified hosts such as Rosie O’Donnell hosting America’s Next Top Model, and Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel guest hosting The Martha Stewart Show.   

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Timberlake 'n sync with ESPY Awards, set to host – ABC11

We've come to realise that it's just a matter of time before Miley Cyrus has us all in the iron grip of a malevolent dictatorship now.

Why? Well, as if having a top-rated TV show, a number one movie and a bunch of chart-topping albums, isn't enough, now it's been revealed that Miley Cyrus is going to host the CMT awards.

You heard correctly – Miley Cyrus is going to host this year's CMT awards. The world's third-biggest country and western-themed awards show. It doesn't get much bigger than that. Apart from the world's second-biggest country and western-themed awards show, or the world's first-biggest country and western-themed awards show. Or any other awards show at all. Is there no stopping this Miley Cyrus woman?

It's fair to say that Miley Cyrus currently has the level of ubiquity that you'd normally expect from a veteran movie star, or at least a Hollywood socialite with a borderline personality disorder and a history of extensive rehab visits. Everything that Miley Cyrus does turns to gold – her TV show, her live concerts, her albums, her movie, her semi-risque pouty mobile phone videos – and what awards show wouldn't want a slice of something that horrifyingly robotic?

Miley Cyrus cut her awards show teeth by becoming a presenter at Sunday's Oscars – although if you tried looking for Oscars clips on YouTube you might be under the impression that the show was basically six hours of nothing but Miley Cyrus grinning earnestly at a lectern – and now she's taking it one step further, by hosting the entire CMT awards in April, as the Associated Press reports:

Billy Ray Cyrus and daughter Miley will host and perform at the 2008 CMT Music Awards. The seventh annual awards show will air live April 14 on CMT from Belmont University's Curb Event Center. Alan Jackson, Brad Paisley, Carrie Underwood, Sugarland, Taylor Swift and Toby Keith will also be among the performers. "Miley and I are so excited to be hosting the CMT Music Awards," Cyrus said Tuesday in a statement. "We know it will be a fun-filled night with a lot of great music performances."

Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus together? What the the CMT awards organisers thinking? Everyone knows that when Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus get together, things are bound to end up with a stupefyingly inane country ballad duet about flying high on the wings of freedom or a charity-angering display of riding around in a car without a seatbelt.

Can the CMT awards live with that kind of knife-edge controversy? Can it? Can it really? Given that the CMT awards is mostly about giving hunks of metal to buck-toothed banjo players, we're not awfully sure it can.

But at least you know what you're getting by allowing Miley Cyrus to host an awards show. Months and months of hearing your children beg and blackmail you into spending more money than you earn on a ticket to a fifth-rate awards show for a style of music that you'd rather cut off your feet than listen to, all just so they can look at an unusually confident teenager say some dull words about cowboys for 30 seconds at a time, that's what.

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Miley, Billy Ray Cyrus Host CMT Awards – Associated Press 

The whole 'Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn't she pregnant' debate has literally been the one major talking point of everyone in the universe over the last few weeks.

Actually, that's a lie. The 'Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn't she pregnant' debate hasn't been anything like a talking point at all because the answer is yes, Angelina Jolie is very obviously pregnant and only an idiot would question it.

And to make it clearer, Angelina Jolie was seen at an awards show this weekend in a tiny dress with her belly poking out. So it's either pregnancy or irritable bowel syndrome; something we've chosen to uncover by hooking a secret microphone up to Angelina Jolie's arse and measuring how loud and messy-sounding all her farts are. Honestly, you can thank us later.

Of all the current crop of pregnant celebrities, none have been easier to diagnose than Angelina Jolie. Sure, Halle Berry and Jessica Alba may have seen their breasts expand like someone's working them with a footpump, but it's not exactly rare to see actresses suddenly jump bra sizes without warning. But Angelina Jolie has a different pregnancy tell.

You see, when Angelina Jolie gets pregnant, she stops being so thin that it's actually a little distressing to look at her and becomes normal-sized again. So, yes, everyone has known that Angelina Jolie is pregnant for a while, but this is the first time that she's made the news seem anywhere near official.

You see, Angelina Jolie turned up to an awards show this weekend and, for the first time since Brad Pitt knocked her up, she wasn't covered in a four-man tent to disguise it, as E! Online reports:

There it was – Angelina Jolie's baby bump! She did nothing to hide it today at the Film Independent's Spirit Awards in Santa Monica. No loose-fitting clothing. No holding oversize handbags over her midsection. Not even a coat. She wore a body-hugging black dress along with matching Jimmy Choo heels.

We should point out that it's a rare break from tradition of Angelina Jolie to show off her baby-bump in such a brazen way. Usually when she gets pregnant, Angelina Jolie likes to go to a dusty African country and pretend that the fertile earth knocked her up, to make the baby feel more at home with its adopted multinational counterparts. 

But now that Angelina Jolie's pregnancy is out in the open for everyone to see, we should really ask ourselves why. Is the bump getting too hard to cover? Is Angelina trying to court more paparazzi to hang around her house so she can get them arrested? Or, as we suspect, is this Angelina Jolie's way to make sure she gets an even bigger payday when she sells her baby photos to a magazine?

If that's the case, then it's probably clever of her to get in early. As Christina Aguilera's recent deal showed, nobody gives a shit about celebrity baby photos any more. And even though Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins, that's not such a big deal either thanks to Jennifer Lopez's twins and Jessica Alba's imminent twins.

So, by getting her pregnancy announcement out in the open this early, Angelina Jolie has given herself enough time to dream up her own gimmick to keep the magazine readers happy by the time her babies are born. What that gimmick will be we're not sure, although we have heard rumours that Angelina plans to pay a gynaecologist to stitch little tiny top hats onto her unborn babies' heads prenatally to make them look quite posh.

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Angelina's Baby Bump Debut – E! Online 

This weekend it emerged that a 10-tonne satellite the size of a bus will smash into Earth at 22,000mph in the next couple of weeks – leaking all sorts of hazardous substances – and nobody knows where it'll hit, putting millions at risk.

In other news, some actors think that Daniel Day-Lewis is quite good at acting.

The SAG awards took place last night, and because it's just about the only awards show where nobody will get booed by the people who write Smallville just for attending, almost every single actor in the world turned up. And by now you'll already be able to guess who won.

The writers' strike has made a right old arsepickle out of awards season this year, and for that we'll be eternally grateful. Because the Screen Actors Guild – the SAG, if you will – officially supports the WGA (Writers Guild Of America. Do keep up), it has banned its members from turning up to anything that the WGA wrinkles its nose at. So the Golden Globes turned into the world's dullest press conference, the People's Choice Awards turned into a retrospective clips show about Drew Barrymore and the Oscars are already flatlining.

But, thanks to a contractual loophole, one awards show that SAG did allow actors to attend was last night's SAG awards. And, knowing that this might be their only chance to be pictured in a newspaper looking massively overdressed and buffed to within an inch of their lives on a red carpet, just about every actor alive decided to turn up.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were there, Tom Cruise was there, Daniel Day-Lewis was there, Cate Blanchett was there, Eva Longoria was there, that annoying scrawny woman from Grey's Anatomy was there, her off Will & Grace was there, Burt Reynolds was there – and by our calculations we're pretty sure that those are all the actors alive at the moment.

But what about the SAG awards themselves? Surely, with the world treating the show as a kind of substitute Oscars, SAG could really pull the rug out from everyone's feet and award trophies to some refreshingly left-field choices. Or perhaps it'd just lob awards at the actors everyone expected instead. Guess.

The winner of the SAG award for Best Male Actor In A Leading Role went to Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood – adding to his Golden Globe, his LA Film Critics award, his New York Film Critics award and his third runner-up prize in the Speen Parish Council summer fete's Guess The Weight Of The Cake contest. No Country For Old Men also won two SAG Awards – Best Ensemble and Best Supporting Actor – adding to its already impressive award tally. And Julie Christie also won for her role in that film about the old lady, just like she has everywhere else.

And, since the SAG awards also honour television performances, we should add that The Sopranos won stuff, 30 Rock won stuff and The Office won stuff. But nobody really cares about any of that because it's just TV.

And that's all. So long as the writers' strike continues it's just this and the Grammys. And, you know, if the WGA wants to come over here and picket the Brits as a favour to us next month, we'd appreciate it.

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Stars Seize Their Chance to Shine at SAG Awards – New York Times 

There Will Be Blood - the film about how many words Daniel Day-Lewis can say in a funny voice within the space of two and a half hours – is really doing rather well at winning awards this year.

Although it has already won a bunch of awards already, There Will Be Blood is still gaining momentum all the time, picking up a handful of awards at Saturday night's National Society Of Film Critics awards in New York for Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Director and Best Cinematography. Now, the continuing success of There Will Be Blood - along with that of its rivals No Country For Old Men and Into The Wild – might make it look as if I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry has been edged out of the Oscars running, but we still live in eternal hope that Blake Clark gets the credit he deserves for imbuing Crazy Homeless Man with such dignified pathos.

So it looks like awards season might be dead on its feet already thanks to the WGA strike banning everyone from going to the Golden Globes, but the clever kids at the National Society Of Film Critics knows a simple way around that. Instead of hosting a glitzy gala evening full of stars dressed up to the nines heartily congratulating themselves on being able to make films about important things like war and malformed babies, the National Society Of Film Critics instead just gathers its members up in a restaurant and lets them shout at each other until some winners get decided.

And the National Society Of Film Critics awards are even more refreshing because they have absolutely no bearing on the outcome of the Oscars either. Like last year when it decided that Pan's Labyrinth was the best film and everyone else was fawning over The Departed, for example, or any of the other times when the National Society Of Film Critics got it wrong that we can't be bothered to find out about at the moment.

That's good news for us, but rubbish news for There Will Be Blood, because it swept the board at Saturday's National Society Of Film Critics awards so probably won't get a sniff come Oscar night. There Will Be Blood managed to win awards for best picture, best director, best cinematography and best actor for Daniel Day-Lewis' compelling portrayal of a man who talks quite slowly in an unusual voice, adding to the tally of awards that already includes an LA Film Critics trophy and a New York Film Critics trophy.

Apart from that, though, the National Society Of Film Critics awards went just as you'd expect. Julie Christie won an award because she played a woman with a degenerative mental condition in a film, Cate Blanchett won an award because she played an old musician in a vaguely biopic-ish film, No End In Sight won an award because it's a documentary about the Iraq war and Casey Affleck won an award because it was getting late and everyone had been drinking a little bit by the time they got round to choosing the Best Supporting Actor prize.

We expect.

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National Critics Draw Blood – E! Online