Oh, it would be so easy wouldn’t it? Yes. It would be so incredibly, irrefutably, painstakingly easy to take the mick out of the NME awards. Ha! The NME award clientele! With their cliques, and their Match.com courtesans, and their Tarantino box-sets, and their hemp, and their vaginal weights, and their history of rubbing thighs to the sound of Emma Watson’s name, and their colon tubes, and their fear of dying, and their moustaches and their Fairtrade Chocolate and their…
Yes, it would be so easy to take the mick out of the NME awards. So very, very easy. Oh, we’re so self riotous because we figured out that The Vaccines weren’t very good, and a couple of thin people with careers and Class B drugs didn’t.
Oh we’re so mercilessly coy in our fixed, irreverent ways – god, why don’t we just get on our high, sarcastic, horses (Yes! Of course like that one Rebecca Brooks has! Ha! Yes! We have our fingers in many many caustic pies!) and take the mick out of the incredibly easy targets that are the NME awards and not exceed ANYBODY’s expectations, shall we?
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Punchdrunk or Lovesick?
Folded
Creased
- Shit London – Being the bitter lot that we are, most of us here in the hecklerspray bedsit think That London’s pretty shit as a rule but here is the “proof”.
- Jamie Oliver – Shut up, we’re all bored. And wear a tie, you’re on the BBC for fuck’s sake.
- Q – Now he’s young and hip. Like the James Bond films. Can’t we just have a zombie Desmond Llewelyn? It’s the only way we’re going to be happy.
- The Manor Reborn – Seriously? What the hell is this?
Black culture has always been the musical innovator, just waiting for everyone else to start ripping it off. The black community can sit smug, safe in the knowledge that they invented rock ‘n’ roll, the blues, jazz, hip hop, soul, reggae, dance music… and not country and western.
And so, with that, the MOBO Awards have always been a showcase for the things everyone else is going to ride the coattails of next year.
Not if you include the 2011 nominees though. Why? Because it’s a terrible list of nominations utterly dominated by Jessie J and other dross.
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The stupid Oscars have been and gone, with only a very select few giving the remotest of shits. Those that include themselves in that number are the people who will be making posters of all of Colin Firth’s new films and the simpering, worthy smug git who condescends the Davina McCall lookalike on the BBC’s Film show.
Oh, and we imagine there’ll be a whole host of stupid fashion writers all squeeing over various items of clothing, mixed with tubby women widening their eyes at people who have made a fashion faux-pas.
And so, because we’re legally obliged to announce the winners of the Oscars 2011, we’ve copy and pasted the list from somewhere else and replaced all the names of the winners with videos so you can try and work out who won yourself.
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Here at hecklerspray, nothing makes us happier than when celebs go fucking mental on Twitter. Yes, whether they’re assassinating each other using 140 character covered light-sabers, verbally battering mere mortals or just secretly swapping ‘cock shots’ with embarrassingly unattractive, money hungry strangers, we love nothing more than some good old unabashed Twitter beefing.
Recently masturbaters favourite Rihanna and slightly less bouncy but you probably still would, R&B singer Ciara, got involved in a some Twitter rage over Ri Ri’s brutal disrespecting of Ciara at some awards show party.
And you thought this Libyan revolt was important news?
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We’ve had our run-ins with Muse fans on countless occasions in the past. We were all set to apologise to them this morning… then we found out that Muse are just desperately unlucky with the fans they attract. Every single one of them are absolutely mental.
And the tenuous proof? Well, one of Muse’s biggest fans is Glenn Beck. That means, if you like Muse, you’re a right-wing nutjob.
So Muse fans, feel free to confess that you agree with Beck by saying that you’re “thinking about killing Michael Moore” or that you believe Barack Obama is “a racist” and has a “deep-seated hatred for white people”.
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Award ceremonies always guarantee a couple of moments that are repeated at every single show. Hilariously, there’s always the point when losing nominees have to graciously smile and clap, despite wanting to publically declare that the winner is nothing but muck on their shoe. Then when excessive alcohol bingeing kicks in, someone will make a slurred git of themselves.
Music ceremonies also signal the weird collaborations of two artists who normally wouldn’t dream of working together. Think of it in the same way as when making a sandwich. The humble BLT is a safe and classic option. Slipping in something different to improve it probably wouldn’t work, such as barbed wire or a bar of chocolate.
What we’re saying is that musical collaborations can usually be hailed as a spark of genius, or an utter mess. Rumours are circulating that Muse and Lady Gaga plan to combine forces. Uh-oh.
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Oh deep bloody joy. The Oscars have announced their nominations for films which they think are better than other films which they may or may not have seen. Fantastic news. Cocaine dealers and chandelier menders, brace yourself for some action soon.
That’s right. An arbitrarily picked bunch of films are all being put forward as being really great, which of course, means that people who make posters for films will now be getting ready to cut and paste the words “Oscar nominated” on films starring Colin Firth or directed by Jeff Cronenweth.
We can barely contain our irritation.
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