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Award

Noel Gallagher Now Officially A Very Old Man

by Stuart Heritage

Noel Gallagher isn’t so much the voice of youth these day as the voice of weirdly arrested lad-dad Tim Lovejoy clones who refuse to accept that it isn’t still 1996.

Or that’s what we thought. Turns out we were being a little bit hopeful – in actual fact Noel Gallagher is slowly morphing into a Daily Telegraph letter-writer. While picking up an award recently, Noel decided to speak out about hoodies and knife crime and how it’s all probably got something to do with computer games.

He went into a little more detail than that, but anyone wanting to hear more of Noel Gallagher’s thoughts on society would be well advised to buy the forthcoming Oasis album If That Ball Goes Over My Fence One More Time I’ll Put A Bloody Knife Through It.

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Kenny Chesney Wins Award, Is Kind Of A Turd About It

by Stuart Heritage

One thing that can be counted on is that whenever we rag on Kenny Chesney, his fans always loudly defend him.

So, you know, it’s just a shame that Kenny Chesney more or less thinks that all his fans are dicks.

That’s what he’s implied, anyway – yesterday Kenny Chesney won the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award for the fourth straight year running but, because the winner was chosen by fans rather than a faceless group of industry insiders, he’s got all stroppy for it and claimed that it doesn’t count as much any more. Oh Kenny, when will you learn that it’s never smart to criticise your fans, especially when they all own shotguns and are the biological result of institutionalised pan-generational incest.

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Dina Lohan Honoured for A Bang-Up Job of Keeping Her Daughter Alive

by hecklerspray staff

Remember watching those nature filmstrips in grade school that showed monkeys eating their young?

Remember thinking, “wow, now there is some exemplary parenting that should be honoured with the presentation of an award”? Of course you do.

The same principle applies for Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s mommy dearest, who is being given an award for her strides in mothering, or something. Just to be clear, then. This is Dina Lohan. The mother of Lindsay Lohan. Honoured with a mothering award. Animals who eat their young.

The circle of life at its finest, everyone.

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Actors Quite Like Into The Wild

by Stuart Heritage

One of the many endless golden highlights of awards season is the Screen Actors Guild awards, where all the actors in the world put their actor-heads together and decide who did the best acting out of all the actors in the world.

The Screen Actors Guild award nominations were announced today, and Sean Penn’s wilderness epic Into The Wild has come out on top, scooping four nods. And frankly we’re stumped – we just can’t figure out why a bunch of actors have decided that a serious, unpopular film that was directed by a serial award-winning actor about a boy reacting to the majesty of nature is the best-acted film of the year. Come on – haven’t any of these actors seen Good Luck Chuck?

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Sean Penn Gets His Obligatory Awards Season Nod

by Stuart Heritage

Sean Penn knows that he could make a film about a trumping monkey and it’d win all sorts of awards for its brave vision and the universal resonance of a monkey-fart as an allegory to the human condition.

But so far this awards season, something has been up. The Sean Penn-directed Into The Wild hasn’t been winning any awards, with all the gongs instead either going to There Will Be Blood or No Country For Old Men. Worried that Sean Penn is losing his magical touch? Don’t be – the annual Critics’ Choice award nominations have been revealed and Into The Wild has smashed itself into contention, getting nods for Best Picture, Best Actor and Best Director, along with four others. However, it should be noted that the Critics’ Choice awards also gave five nominations to Hairspray, so there’s every chance that the voting panel is made up of buck-toothed idiots.

Sean Penn knows that he could make a film about a trumping monkey and it'd win all sorts of awards for its brave vision and the universal resonance of a monkey-fart as an allegory to the human condition. But so far this awards season, something has been up. The Sean Penn-directed Into The Wild hasn't been winning any awards, with all the gongs instead either going to There Will Be Blood or No Country For Old Men. Worried that Sean Penn is losing his magical touch? Don't be - the annual Critics' Choice award nominations have been revealed and Into The Wild has smashed itself into contention, getting nods for Best Picture, Best Actor and Best Director, along with four others. However, it should be noted that the Critics' Choice awards also gave five nominations to Hairspray, so there's every chance that the voting panel is made up of buck-toothed idiots.
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Golden Globes: Steven Spielberg Apparently Quite Good

by Stuart Heritage

It’s time to start the pre-Oscars awards hype, and not a moment too soon – we’ve only just regained our breath after, um, you know, that bloke won that award for that film he was in; you know, the one with the men in it.

OK, we’ll admit, the thought of awards season fills us with the kind of gut-knotting horror usually only reserved for directly after hearing the line “and now, ladies and gentlemen, Lee Ryan!” But trying to stop Hollywood’s movie industry hyping its awards season blind months in advance of any actual awards being handed out is an impossible task, which is why we’re just going to roll over and say that at next year’s Golden Globes, the Cecil B. DeMille outstanding contribution award will go to Steven Spielberg, a new up-and-coming arthouse director yet to have his first big hit.

It's time to start the pre-Oscars awards hype, and not a moment too soon - we've only just regained our breath after, um, you know, that bloke won that award for that film he was in; you know, the one with the men in it. OK, we'll admit, the thought of awards season fills us with the kind of gut-knotting horror usually only reserved for directly after hearing the line "and now, ladies and gentlemen, Lee Ryan!" But trying to stop Hollywood's movie industry hyping its awards season blind months in advance of any actual awards being handed out is an impossible task, which is why we're just going to roll over and say that at next year's Golden Globes, the Cecil B. DeMille outstanding contribution award will go to Steven Spielberg, a new up-and-coming arthouse director yet to have his first big hit.
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