When Hecklerspray gets called into various places to accept awards and whatnot, we routinely do four things.

The first is we always have a sword pointed at the innards of whoever hands us our trophy. That’s just to ensure an enthusiastic and positive over-the-top speech, which works well over half the time. If you Youtube ‘Hecklerspray, Billy Crystal, Kidney Sack Spill’ ‘you’ll see exactly what we’re talking about there.

Other major celebrities have a similar routine of only attending certain award ceremonies. Paula Abdul, for instance, only attends them when the presenter is Sacha Baron Cohen with cameras rolling.

Usually when Paula Abdul takes an award it’s off of a mantle place during a famous friend’s Christmas party. That doesn’t matter though – because she still takes it graciously and offers a slurred speech about how she couldn’t have done it without MC Skat Cat and/or the restless ghosts of all her dead fans.

You can imagine then how eager she was to accept an award that actually had her name plate screwed onto the base. Allegedly it was for being ‘Artist of the Year’ in Germany. Nominees she’d probably beaten out were David Hasselhoff, Michael Knight, and the grandson of the guy who used to trim Heinrich Himmler’s moustache.

To accept the award Abdul was told she had to show up at some vacant house in Hollywood. We’re told Paula Interviewed well. She maintained good poise, she used sentences fused together with a good noun to adverb ratio, and perhaps most importantly her butt didn’t fart on the backs of the Mexicans she was literally sitting on. She describes the whole set up like this:

“It is the most interesting, wacked-out situation that happened to me. I was scarred for my life for a year. I walk into the home, and I’m greeted by this futuristic Captain Nemo-looking dude with a Mohawk — and he’s flaming. And I’m going, ‘Oh, this is going to be one of those fun Japanese game shows.’ I’m like, ‘OK, this is weird.’ [Bruno] says, ‘Sorry, there’s no furniture.’ And he snaps his fingers and says, ‘Gardeners!’ And these two Mexican guys come in, and they drop down to all fours, and he says [to me], ‘Sit down.’ And I said, ‘I’m not doing that.’ “

“It was getting so uncomfortable, and I’m throwing daggers with my eyes at my publicist. I said, ‘No, I won’t be doing that. I have to go to work. … And by the way, where’s my award?’ And I’m trying to hold a smile on my face. It was hysterical, but it was so disturbing.’”

Now take that scene and throw it together with the one where Bruno paid the cage fighters to start making out in front of a bunch of low-brow red necks and you’ve got yourself a fairly decent movie.

Not as good as anything Lucas would make, mind you, but decent.

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Set up to recognise websites that are ‘truly taking Britain into the world of Web 2.0′, the UK2.0 Britain Upgraded awards have decided that we’re the second-best entertainment website in the country. Which we’re perfectly OK with, since the only thing that beat us was the gigantic, wonderful BBC iPlayer. And coming second only to nationally-broadcast television programmes suits us just fine.

So that’s best British blog in 2007, the 45th most powerful blog in the world in 2008 and second-best entertainment website in the UK (or first best entertainment website that isn’t directly funded by the public, as we prefer to think of it) in 2009. What’ll we get in 2010? Some food, hopefully. We’re so very hungry.

Also, £10 says that no New Kids On The Block fans were on the judging panel.

However, one thing annoys us about the BAFTAs, and that’s the suspicion that they’re only voted for by elderly men who live alone, only wear smoking jackets and call everybody ‘darling’ all the time. But not this year.

This year you people get a chance to vote for the winner of one BAFTA award – the Orange Rising Star award. Why are we telling you this? It’s simple. Last year the winner of the Orange Rising Star award was Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaTittingBeouf. THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. Do you understand? We’re not even partially joking with you.

This year’s Orange Rising Star nominations have just been released, and it’s down to you to vote for the winner. But who are the nominations? Here you go…

THAT BELLEND FROM ROCKANDROLLA

THAT BELLEND FROM HUNGER

THAT BELLEND FROM ADULTHOOD

THE LOVELY, TALENTED, BEAUTIFUL AND EFFORTLESSLY WONDERFUL REBECCA HALL

THAT BELLEND FROM SUPERBAD

Ready to vote for Rebecca Hall, or any of the other Orange Rising Star award nominees whose names have temporarily escaped our mind? Good, then you can vote for the winner on the Orange website right now.

Apparently there’s also a prize draw where, if you vote, you stand a chance of winning tickets to next month’s BAFTAs. Since Rebecca Hall is almost certainly going to be there, that would make it the greatest evening of your life. So you know what to do.

You know, that long, slow, dull deathmarch to the Oscars where every single vaguely filmy organisation on the face of the planet announces which movies it enjoyed watching most. But more than that, awards season marks the time of year when we wish we had another job. Any other job. A job involving heights and spikes and angry bears, even.

And now the good news – The Los Angeles Film Critics Association gave its best picture award to WALL-E.

We’re going to be cautious here and meekly suggest that this awards season isn’t going to be as throat-slittingly interminable as it usually is, on the basis that something quite incredible is happening – this year, movies that people have actually seen might win something.

It’s still a long shot – after all, don’t forget that Sean Penn is still starring as an inspirational yet tragic figure this year and Hollywood’s got Holocaust movies coming out of its arse – but if the Los Angeles Film Critics Association is anything to go by, this year might be the year that bone-dry dramas based on issues and tragedy and crying might be replaced by, gasp, entertainment.

Although the last two years has seen the Los Angeles Film Critics Association name the likes of Brokeback Mountain and There Will Be Blood as its best films, this year it has decided to give its top award to WALL-E, the almost dialogue-free kid’s cartoon about a funny robot. BBC News reports:

Wall-E has been named best film of the year by the Los Angeles Film Critics Association as Hollywood gears up for Thursday’s Golden Globe nominations. The Pixar film was chosen ahead of The Dark Knight by the body, which gave its best actor prize to Sean Penn for Milk.

Weird, huh? WALL-E. Not a rites of passage film about a boy who treks across the Andes. Not a film about Darfur starring a popular actor who wants an Oscar more than life itself. Not a biopic of a recently-dead musician. WALL-E, the film that people a) paid to see in the droves and b) actually enjoyed. How utterly mystifying. WALL-E isn’t even based on a book or anything.

But just because a bunch of dusty old movie critics happened to like it, it doesn’t mean that WALL-E should hang out the bunting just yet – the Los Angeles Movie Critics Association hardly ever picks the same movie for Best Picture as the Oscars.

But still, this is still undeniably good news – not just for WALL-E but for populist movies in general. Finally, after years in the wilderness, it looks like they’re being accepted alongside all the impenetrably highbrow arthouse fodder that has dominated the awards scene lately.

And you know what that means – come the Oscars, Beverly Hills Chihuahua’s going to win EVERYTHING!

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And we’re not the only ones, because Kenny Chesney – a man with a big hat and hardly any charisma – has just won the CMA Entertainer Of The Year award for the fourth time in five years, making him officially the most entertaining country singer ever born. Except for Garth Brooks. He’s equally entertaining.

This must count as one of Kenny Chesney’s proudest moments. Now he can look back on all the other country singers of the past and know he’s more entertaining than them. He’s more entertaining than Billy Shooter, Old Jeb Clovercleb, Whistlin’ Jimmy McFormaldahide, Redeyes O’Murderer and even, in a controversial twist, Barefoot Bobby And The Pregnant Mistakes. Congratulations, Kenny Chesney. You earnt this.

Being an entertaining country singer is a lot like being a successful plate-spinner – you have to try and make references to farming equipment at the same time as keeping up your quota of lengthy pun-filled song-titles, without forgetting about blind patriotism that regularly veers into racism or the fact that your personal life has to include some form of mild tragedy.

It sounds exhausting, which is why we should all be congratulating Kenny Chesney for being named the most entertaining country performer at last night’s Country Music Awards – something he seems to have been given for being the only country performer who hasn’t punched any of his fans or shot a stranger in the face recently.

More than that, in fact, Kenny Chesney has now won the CMA Entertainer Of The Year award four times in five years, more than anyone else except for Garth Brooks, whose record he has tied. And, to think, all he had to do to get there was marry a skinny actress briefly and constantly deny that he’s gay.

Obviously what makes Kenny Chesney so entertaining is his noble humility, which he displayed last night after winning his award. AP reports:

“Winning entertainer of year for the fourth time in five years is more than this kid ever dreamed of,” Chesney said backstage. While Chesney knows his reign will eventually end, he said, “I’m not going to lay down. I love the heart, commitment and sacrifice it takes to do this.” And to his competitors, he issued a challenge: “Come and get me.”

We think Kenny Chesney is being too modest. He’s never going to stop being the most entertaining country singer on Earth because, like he said, he understands the sacrifice that winning it takes.

For instance, all Kenny Chesney really wants to do is work 20-hour shifts down a mineshaft every day for the rest of his life but, oh no, there’s always someone on his back telling him to earn millions of dollars by endlessly recycling his one already-generic idea into another best-selling album. Now that’s sacrifice.

But, still, this must be an important award for Kenny Chesney because it’s the first award he’s won for ages where he didn’t act like a turd about it afterwards.

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But, despite what you might think by the amount of time that she’s spent promoting the movie by hanging babies from her boobs on the cover of magazines, Angelina Jolie isn’t the only person involved in the making of that movie. It also happened to be directed by Clint Eastwood, whoever he is.

And in a shocking break, Angelina Jolie last night decided to do a little more promotion by paying tribute to Clint Eastwood at a Hollywood awards gala. In fact – and we’re not making this up – people were so shocked to see Angelina Jolie talking about someone that wasn’t her that there were audible gasps in the crowd. And some people fell over and vomited like in the opening titles to Quincy. Alright, we made that bit up.

It took a while, but now we’ve finally figured out why Angelina Jolie has been killing herself rotten trying to promote The Changeling with tattoos and breastfeeding and knives and marriage and any other vaguely controversial stunt that ambiently drifts into her mind.

We didn’t think that Angelina Jolie would bother with any of that because The Changeling is a Clint Eastwood film – that means nobody will go and see it but it’ll definitely win about 16 Oscars. But that might not be the case any more – because in December Clint Eastwood has another film coming out and it looks amazing and populist and, since it features what’s rumoured to be Clint Eastwood’s last ever acting role, it’ll be that movie that wins all the Oscars instead.

So, not wanting to end up in another movie that’s critically and commercially ignored like A Mighty Heart, Angelina Jolie has had to change strategy. Rather than just blathering on about herself all the time, she’s decided to attach herself to Clint Eastwood instead.

At a Hollywood Film Festival Awards Gala last night, Angelina Jolie made a surprise appearance to sing the praises of Clint Eastwood, as People reports:

The mother-of-six took time out of her busy schedule to present Eastwood – who helmed her most recent move, The Changeling – with the director of the year award. “There are some people in this business that are icons, and we often wonder if, when we meet them, they’ll live up to what we imagine them to be,” she told the audience. “And Clint Eastwood in person is even better.”

We mock, but only in jest – actually it’s touching that Angelina Jolie took time out of her schedule to pay tribute to a Hollywood icon like Clint Eastwood. Just think, in the time it took her to present him with the award, Angelina Jolie could have probably done four or five more interviews about her children, blurted out up to 12 new deliberately headline-grabbing controversial statements and made everyone just that little bit more sick of her.

Selfless, that’s what Angelina Jolie is.

It turns out when you add up the stuff from the lives of all the Jackson Five members, there appears to be an achievement in there somewhere, or something. So, let’s give them a lifetime achievement award, shall we?

Be sure to tune in to the award ceremony for the exciting activity where you have to match up pictures of the group from the past and present. If you’re good enough to score 100% you’ll be awarded one of the last un-repossessed llamas from Neverland Ranch.

Don’t get too excited, though. Nobody’s ever won one.

Everyone deserves an award. Especially if you’re a member of the Jackson Five. Whether it be ‘the most siblings in one family to have enough bad nose jobs, thus making them all look like Cabbage Patch dolls’, or ‘the greatest number of sleepovers to date’, the Jackson brothers have a load of shining achievements to boast.

This is why Michael, Jermaine, Tito, Marlon, and Jackie Jackson will receive a lifetime achievement award at the BMI Urban Awards on September 4th. Surprisingly, all of the brothers except Michael were able to cancel their dates with nothing, leaving them free to appear in person and accept the award. The attendance of Michael and his surgical mask is still in question at this point.

It is quite an honor for the Jackson Five to receive this lifetime achievement award, especially since the success of the group is localized largely between about 1966-1972, which is an interesting amount of time when categorizing a “lifetime”. But hey, if we convert that to dog years it turns out to be more like 42 years, which is much more respectable. So we’ll just go ahead and rename this the BMI Lifetime Achievement Awards Doggy-style.

Zing!

Okay, we really should give credit where credit is due: Jermaine. It’s Jermaine that has earned the award, no question about it. Praise be to Jermaine. For as any musical historian will tell you, it is Jermaine skipping around in pink and blue pyjamas singing “Dynamite” that constitutes an eternal achievement award for this life and whatever kitchen appliance he may be reincarnated as after he dies.

Or that's what we thought. Turns out we were being a little bit hopeful – in actual fact Noel Gallagher is slowly morphing into a Daily Telegraph letter-writer. While picking up an award recently, Noel decided to speak out about hoodies and knife crime and how it's all probably got something to do with computer games.

He went into a little more detail than that, but anyone wanting to hear more of Noel Gallagher's thoughts on society would be well advised to buy the forthcoming Oasis album Bloody Immigrants (And Don't Get Me Started On The NHS).

When you're the principle songwriter in a band like Oasis, there are only a few rules you need to live your life by. One is that the words 'fly', 'high' and 'sky' rhyme, another is that there's money in playing 15-year-old songs to arenas full of balding nostalgia-craving thirtysomething men who still consider Jo Guest to be the epitome of style and glamour night after night, and the third is that young people should be feared.

Just a few weeks after Noel Gallagher famously said that Jay-Z would be a disaster for Glastonbury because his music's all bang bang bang and he's not a proper musician because he doesn't have any songs about magical pies – we're paraphrasing – he's decided to take the time to speak out about the rising tide of knife crime.

While picking up a Silver Clef music award recently, Noel decided to launch into an angry tirade about all the stabbing that's been going on in London recently with all the reasoned arguments you'd expect from a millionaire rockstar with a history of prolific drug abuse. BBC News reports:

"In my day, status was trying to be somebody, do you know what I mean, not trying to kill somebody?… I don't even know what Cameron or Gordon Brown are going to do about it… People say it's through violent video games and I guess that's got something to do with it. If kids are sitting up all night smoking super skunk and they come so desensitised to crime because they're playing these video games, it's really, really scary."

We can see Noel Gallagher's point here – we recently spent about an hour and a half playing Super Mario Galaxy before going out and stabbing a nun in her neck for nothing more than shits and giggles. These sick video games should be banned, because everyone knows that the world's first recorded crime happened six hours after Pong was released.

Anyway, we shouldn't pick on Noel Gallagher too much for becoming a youth-fearing old fogey – he's not the only celebrity to speak out about Broken Britain lately. No, Noel Edmonds has also been at it. So that's the man who wrote Cigarettes And Alcohol and the beardy git from Deal Or No Deal – perhaps they should team up and become a crack vigilante duo, putting an end to street crime with nothing more than prematurely old grumbling and bizarre facial hair.

Besides, we're probably missing the main point of this story here. Noel Gallagher still wins awards? Weird.

So, you know, it’s just a shame that Kenny Chesney more or less thinks that all his fans are dicks.

That’s what he’s implied, anyway – yesterday Kenny Chesney won the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award for the fourth straight year running but, because the winner was chosen by fans rather than a faceless group of industry insiders, he’s got all stroppy for it and claimed that it doesn’t count as much any more. Oh Kenny, when will you learn that it’s never smart to criticise your fans, especially when they all own shotguns and are the biological result of institutionalised pan-generational incest.

There was a time when Kenny Chesney was the man who married Renee Zellweger and then split up with her, causing people to – apparently wrongly - assume that he was gay. But not any more. Now everyone knows Kenny Chesney as the most entertaining country singer in the world.

It’s true – meet Kenny Chesney and he won’t hit you with one of those traditional country buzzkills like trying to choke you and kiss you at the same time or shooting you in the face. No, so long as the dictionary definition of the word entertaining is “making the exact same joke about the words ’shift’ and ’shit’ being quite similar nine separate times in the space of one song,” then Kenny Chesney will always be the most entertaining country singer in the world.

Kenny Chesney is on an unbelievable streak of entertainingness, too – he won the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award last year, and he won it the year before that as well. And the year before that. And he won it again at the ACM awards last night, too. That puts him on a equal footing with Garth Brooks and just one shy of the all-time record of five wins, so you’d assume that he’d be thrilled with the result.

Except he really isn’t. For the first time in ACM history. this year’s Entertainer Of The Year award was voted for by the public. You know, the people who actually buy CDs and concert tickets and are probably the best gauge of what’s entertaining and what isn’t. Some people would think that being given a prize by the public is better than being given one by a panel of industry insiders each with their own personal investments and biases, but not Kenny Chesney.

As soon as he won his ACM award last night, Kenny Chesney threw a bit of a tantrum about how he hates the public, especially those who like him enough to go out of his way to vote for him. More or less. Entertainment Weekly reports:

”The entertainer of the year trophy is supposed to represent heart and passion and an amazing amount of sacrifice, commitment, and focus,” Chesney said. “That’s the way Garth [Brooks] won it four times, that’s the way I won it, that’s the way [George] Strait won it, Reba [McEntire], Alabama all those years. That’s what it’s supposed to represent.” Chesney went on to say that the academy turned the award ”into a sweepstakes to see who can push people’s buttons the hardest on the Internet.”

Of course, as galactically stupid of him as it was to suggest that his award was devalued by the public’s involvement, he does have a point. For starters, if this award was mainly voted for by Kenny Chesney fans, then that’s proof enough that none of the voters have any taste whatsoever.

And secondly, Kenny’s right – this sort of vote is just a gimmick, and one that can be easily corrupted by one nominated act exhorting their fans to vote again and again to secure the win.

It’s a good job that Kenny Chesney doesn’t stoop to that level, which is why we’re sure the blurb on the homepage to his website reading…

Kenny Chesney is nominated for his 4th consecutive ACM Entertainer of the Year and we need all of Kenny’s fans to get out and Vote. Below are several tools to share with everyone you know to help spread the word. YOU have the power! VOTE for Kenny Chesney as ACM’s Entertainer of the Year!

…is just a typo. And also that the big ‘Vote for Kenny Chesney’ banner, the two ‘Vote For Kenny Chesney’ graphics that people can embed in their blogs, the gigantic ‘VOTE FOR KENNY CHESNEY AT THE ACM AWARDS’ headline and the four different ‘Vote For Kenny Chesney’ flyers that fans are asked to print out and actually hand to people in the street that all feature heavily at the top of his website are probably the work of bastard hackers or something.

Read more:

Kenny Chesney: Fans Shouldn’t Decide Top ACM Award  - EW

Remember thinking, “wow, now there is some exemplary parenting that should be honoured with the presentation of an award“? Of course you do.

The same principle applies for Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s mommy dearest, who is being given an award for her strides in mothering, or something. Just to be clear, then. This is Dina Lohan. The mother of Lindsay Lohan. Honoured with a mothering award. Animals who eat their young.

The circle of life at its finest, everyone.

We’ve just made a startling discovery – that blonde, old-type looking woman sporadically pictured partying with Lindsay Lohan in the tabloids is not actually Lindsay Lohan’s post-rehab mentor who is guiding our dear Lindsay back to a life of sobriety and health.

No, it’s her mom, Dina Lohan. And she is to be respected and revered for her accomplishments in mothering, you make no mistake. The Mingling Moms association of Long Island, NY, has found Dina Lohan to have crushed the competition in the very selective sets of Best Dye Job, Most Ineffectively Rehabilitated Children, Most Tabloid Appearances, Most Fame Whoring Ex-Husband, and this year’s new category: Most Likely to Cause Her World to Implode with a Shameless Reality Show.

Oh, come now. Before you hit that caps lock button for a pre-emptive ‘leave Lindsay Lohan and her family alone’ rant, know that we kid. We kid because we love. We love that as far as we can tell by reading one quote and doing no further investigating, the only basis the Mingling Moms organisation has for awarding Dina Lohan with an award is that she has a celebrity daughter. A spokesperson for the organization told OK!:

“We’re just honoring celebrities’ moms on Long Island. It’s something for Mother’s Day. It’s a list of mothers from Long Island who have raised superstar children.”

It cannot be determined as of yet whether or not the organisation is kidding due to the inability of any of its members to form facial expressions thanks to the botox-plugged faces and facelifts up to their foreheads. Further details to come as story develops.

Okay, we’ll admit that Dina Lohan is a mother and has a celebrity child that she has managed to not let die for a certain amount of time. Well done, Dina! We’d like to recognise the runners up, Carrot Top and a half-eaten piece of toast, for their efforts as well.

Read more:

Dina Lohan: Mom Of The Year? – OK

The Screen Actors Guild award nominations were announced today, and Sean Penn's wilderness epic Into The Wild has come out on top, scooping four nods. And frankly we're stumped – we just can't figure out why a bunch of actors have decided that a serious, unpopular film that was directed by a serial award-winning actor about a boy reacting to the majesty of nature is the best-acted film of the year. Come on – haven't any of these actors seen Good Luck Chuck?

So far this awards season, two films have stood out more than any other – No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood, with Atonement trotting alongside as the traditional film that gets a lot of nominations because it's British and serious-looking but doesn't actually stand a chance of winning anything.

However, there's a dark horse coming up on the outside, and because it's a horse directed by Sean Penn it's almost murderously intense and compulsively unable to laugh, smile or even look as if it's ever heard the concept of humour in its life. It's Into The Wild.

Into The Wild has already scored a bunch of Critics' Choice award nominations, but now Sean Penn has been recognised by his peers. The Directors Guild? No, although he directed Into The Wild, we're talking about the peers of his passion. The Association Of Grumbling Humourless Self-Important Bastards? No, that doesn't even exist. Play sensibly. We're talking about the Screen Actors Guild.

The Screen Actors Guild has just announced its award nominations ahead of its ceremony next month, and Into The Wild has landed more than anything else, with Emile Hirsch, Hal Holbrook, Catherine Keener and the whole ensemble getting nominated for one thing or another.

Other movies and actors that have left an impression on the Screen Actors Guild include Michael Clayton (George Clooney, Tom Wilkinson and Tilda Swinton), No Country For Old Men (Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem and ensemble) and Cate Blanchett (I'm Not There and Elizabeth: The Golden Age).

We'll discover the winners of the Screen Actors Guild awards when its overlong, backslapping, self-congratulatory ceremony is punctuated the occasional gong on January 27.

Read more:

"Into the Wild" leads SAG film nominees – Reuters 

But so far this awards season, something has been up. The Sean Penn-directed Into The Wild hasn't been winning any awards, with all the gongs instead either going to There Will Be Blood or No Country For Old Men. Worried that Sean Penn is losing his magical touch? Don't be – the annual Critics' Choice award nominations have been revealed and Into The Wild has smashed itself into contention, getting nods for Best Picture, Best Actor and Best Director, along with four others. However, it should be noted that the Critics' Choice awards also gave five nominations to Hairspray, so there's every chance that the voting panel is made up of buck-toothed idiots.

When it comes to awards, there's nothing that voters like more than performances so intense that you the think the actor is going to throw up or get a nosebleed or poo themselves at the climax of each scene they're in.

And nobody does that better that Sean Penn, a man so award-friendly that he may as well be suspended above the stage for the duration of the next Oscars while audience-members pelt him relentlessly with golden statuettes until he passes out from all the glory.

But Sean Penn hasn't starred in any films this year, so what are award voters supposed to do? Simple, they'll find whatever he has done and throw awards at that instead. That could be the reason why the French animation Persepolis – featuring the voice talents of one S. Penn – has been routinely beating the likes of Ratatouille in the awards announced so far, and it could also explain all the Critics' Choice award nominations for Into The Wild.

Up until now, awards season has been dominated by two films – There Will Be Blood, which won big at the LA Film Critics association awards, and No Country For Old Men, which has won a raft of New York Film Critics Circle and National Board Of Review awards.

That left no room for Into The Wild – a intense, soul-searching film about, um, the wild and shit – until now. The Critics' Choice awards have nominated Into The Wild for Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Director, Best Writer and Best Song, for a song by Pearl Jam which makes us wonder if we should perhaps ask for a recount.

Into The Wild has edged out its closest competitor teenage pregnancy comedy Juno, which received six Critics' Choice nominations. Other highly nominated movies included Atonement, Michael Clayton, No Country For Old Men and Hairspray, with five nominations apiece.

This would normally be the point where we listed all the Critics' Choice award nominations in full but if, like us, all this punishing onslaught of movie awards and nominations is making you wish that film had never been invented and that we should all just waggle coloured rags tied to sticks around for entertainment in the future, you'd probably prefer it if we just linked to them instead.

Read more:

Critics' Choice Award Nominations 

OK, we'll admit, the thought of awards season fills us with the kind of gut-knotting horror usually only reserved for directly after hearing the line "and now, ladies and gentlemen, Lee Ryan!" But trying to stop Hollywood's movie industry hyping its awards season blind months in advance of any actual awards being handed out is an impossible task, which is why we're just going to roll over and say that at next year's Golden Globes, the Cecil B. DeMille outstanding contribution award will go to Steven Spielberg, a new up-and-coming arthouse director yet to have his first big hit.

The Golden Globes will take place on January 13th next year. That's a full two months away, but time to get excited about them anyway, because the Golden Globes are like a funner kind of Oscars, with more jokes, more categories dedicated to  comedies and television and more pre-show official countdown compilation shows presented by Sharon Stone fake-laughing at clips of Jack Nicholson in such a transparently false way that it looks like she's in the throes of a near-fatal asthma attack.

Nobody knows who'll win any of next year's Golden Globes yet – the nominations aren't even going to be revealed for another month – except one. That's the Cecil B. DeMille award for outstanding contribution to entertainment. Each year since 1952, starting with the director that bore its name, the Golden Globes has presented the Cecil B. DeMille Award to an individual with an extraordinarily high level of consistency in terms of their professional output. For example, Warren Beatty won the Cecil B. DeMille award last year, and was preceded by Sir Anthony Hopkins in 2006.

The year before that it was Robin Williams, but we don't like to talk about that. 

And next year's recipient is already out of the bag – it's Steven Spielberg. Now, you can't fault the timing of the Golden Globes in wanting to give the award to Steven Spielberg next year, because it's the year that Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull – directed by Steven Spielberg – will be released, a film which originally had the title of I'm Steven Spielberg, Could You All Just Save Me A Bit Of Time And Give Me All Your Money Now Please. Needless to say, handing Steven Spielberg what amounts to a lifetime achievement award months before he releases what could be his biggest-ever hit is a clever move on the part of the Golden Globes.

Plus, if they gave it to Steven Spielberg any later, it might be after his confusingly abstract film about gravitation physics, quasars and active galactic nuclei, at which point Steven Spielberg will only qualify for Most Improbably Dull Movie About Notions That The General Public Could Never Even Possibly Begin To Fathom awards.

But still, congratulations to Steven Spielberg, who now has two months to dream up an acceptance speech ahead of the Golden Globes. Tenner says it'll begin with "Barbra Streisand won this award seven years before I did. Seven years! Me! Steven Spielberg! My mistake, she must have done a better job of directing ET than I did. And Robin Williams! Robin Williams! I made Jaws, you ungrateful bunch of wankers!" at which point he'll be escorted from the stage.