Awards ceremonies are pointless, unless you win something at one of them. Then they’re the best thing ever for all of around 5 seconds (basically, ’til the free bar is closed). So should we get worked up about them?
OF COURSE WE SHOULD! These junkets are there to be mocked mercilessly. They are arbiters of taste and all that is deemed good, so everyone should gather round them and poke them with as many pointed sticks as they can get their awful, grubby little hands on.
So you’ll be thrilled to know that a bunch of musicians are going to hold a protest outside Sunday’s Grammy Awards ceremony over a decision to unceremoniously axe 31 ‘ethnic and minority musical categories’ from the bash.
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When conducting an interview with Leona Lewis, it is best to set a tape recorder running because, should you fall asleep with tedium (an absolutely certainty), you’ll still get a document of the words she says.
Alas, the problem is, is that, when you listen to those same words back, you’ll fall into a coma all over again, leaving you with a predicament. hecklerspray tends to rig a car battery to the soft, delicate skin of the genital area to keep us from wholly passing-out.
And yet, despite this, Leona Lewis has the audacity to suggest that she isn’t boring at all. She’s not boring, because she says she isn’t boring. Not because she actually wants to tell us of the non-boring things she indulges in. She won’t even talk about her curdling hatred of cats.
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Oh look! It’s Valentine’s Day which means one of two things: If you happen to be single and lonely like us, you’ll be spending the day furiously masturbating whilst eating a fist full of chocolate, all in the name of creating a fake romantic setting. For the loved up, couples everywhere will be bankrupting themselves as they spent money on tacky gifts like stuffed bears that hilariously say, “I WUV U.”
If you’re a bloke and manage to get your special lady more than just a bunch of flowers for the garage that end up smelling of diesel rather than nectar, what can you expect back? Sex! Well, that’s what usually happens with folk who are all loved up.
But how to set the mood? A meal that isn’t microwaved? Candle light? Rose petals scattered everywhere? If you’re a traditionalist yes, but now Leona Lewis can help improve the setting.
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When Hecklerspray gets called into various places to accept awards and whatnot, we routinely do four things.
The first is we always have a sword pointed at the innards of whoever hands us our trophy. That’s just to ensure an enthusiastic and positive over-the-top speech, which works well over half the time. If you Youtube ‘Hecklerspray, Billy Crystal, Kidney Sack Spill’ ‘you’ll see exactly what we’re talking about there.
Other major celebrities have a similar routine of only attending certain award ceremonies. Paula Abdul, for instance, only attends them when the presenter is Sacha Baron Cohen with cameras rolling.
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Here’s something we weren’t really expecting – hecklerspray’s just won the runner-up prize in the UK2.0 Britain Upgraded awards.
Set up to recognise websites that are ‘truly taking Britain into the world of Web 2.0′, the UK2.0 Britain Upgraded awards have decided that we’re the second-best entertainment website in the country. Which we’re perfectly OK with, since the only thing that beat us was the gigantic, wonderful BBC iPlayer. And coming second only to nationally-broadcast television programmes suits us just fine.
So that’s best British blog in 2007, the 45th most powerful blog in the world in 2008 and second-best entertainment website in the UK (or first best entertainment website that isn’t directly funded by the public, as we prefer to think of it) in 2009. What’ll we get in 2010? Some food, hopefully. We’re so very hungry.
Also, £10 says that no New Kids On The Block fans were on the judging panel.
We love the BAFTAS. They’re just like the Oscars, except they’re British and nobody famous ever turns up. Amazing.
However, one thing annoys us about the BAFTAs, and that’s the suspicion that they’re only voted for by elderly men who live alone, only wear smoking jackets and call everybody ‘darling’ all the time. But not this year.
This year you people get a chance to vote for the winner of one BAFTA award – the Orange Rising Star award. Why are we telling you this? It’s simple. Last year the winner of the Orange Rising Star award was Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaTittingBeouf. THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. Do you understand? We’re not even partially joking with you.
This year’s Orange Rising Star nominations have just been released, and it’s down to you to vote for the winner. But who are the nominations? Here you go…
THAT BELLEND FROM ROCKANDROLLA
THAT BELLEND FROM HUNGER
THAT BELLEND FROM ADULTHOOD
THE LOVELY, TALENTED, BEAUTIFUL AND EFFORTLESSLY WONDERFUL REBECCA HALL
THAT BELLEND FROM SUPERBAD
Ready to vote for Rebecca Hall, or any of the other Orange Rising Star award nominees whose names have temporarily escaped our mind? Good, then you can vote for the winner on the Orange website right now.
Apparently there’s also a prize draw where, if you vote, you stand a chance of winning tickets to next month’s BAFTAs. Since Rebecca Hall is almost certainly going to be there, that would make it the greatest evening of your life. So you know what to do.
We love the BAFTAS. They're just like the Oscars, except they're British and nobody famous ever turns up. Amazing.
However, one thing annoys us about the BAFTAs, and that's the suspicion that they're only voted for by elderly men who live alone, only wear smoking jackets and call everybody 'darling' all the time. But not this year.
This year you people get a chance to vote for the winner of one BAFTA award - the Orange Rising Star award. Why are we telling you this? It's simple. Last year the winner of the Orange Rising Star award was Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaTittingBeouf. THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. Do you understand? We're not even partially joking with you.
This year's Orange Rising Star nominations have just been released, and it's down to you to vote for the winner. But who are the nominations? Here you go...
THAT BELLEND FROM ROCKANDROLLA
THAT BELLEND FROM HUNGER
THAT BELLEND FROM ADULTHOOD
THE LOVELY, TALENTED, BEAUTIFUL AND EFFORTLESSLY WONDERFUL REBECCA HALL
THAT BELLEND FROM SUPERBAD
Ready to vote for Rebecca Hall, or any of the other Orange Rising Star award nominees whose names have temporarily escaped our mind? Good, then you can vote for the winner on the Orange website right now. Apparently there's also a prize draw where, if you vote, you stand a chance of winning tickets to next month's BAFTAs. Since Rebecca Hall is almost certainly going to be there, that would make it the greatest evening of your life. So you know what to do.
Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Well, tough, you’re getting the bad news – it’s awards season.
You know, that long, slow, dull deathmarch to the Oscars where every single vaguely filmy organisation on the face of the planet announces which movies it enjoyed watching most. But more than that, awards season marks the time of year when we wish we had another job. Any other job. A job involving heights and spikes and angry bears, even.
And now the good news – The Los Angeles Film Critics Association gave its best picture award to WALL-E.
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You know what we like in an entertainer? The wild hope that wearing a big hat will cover for an overwhelming lack of charisma.
And we’re not the only ones, because Kenny Chesney – a man with a big hat and hardly any charisma – has just won the CMA Entertainer Of The Year award for the fourth time in five years, making him officially the most entertaining country singer ever born. Except for Garth Brooks. He’s equally entertaining.
This must count as one of Kenny Chesney’s proudest moments. Now he can look back on all the other country singers of the past and know he’s more entertaining than them. He’s more entertaining than Billy Shooter, Old Jeb Clovercleb, Whistlin’ Jimmy McFormaldahide, Redeyes O’Murderer and even, in a controversial twist, Barefoot Bobby And The Pregnant Mistakes. Congratulations, Kenny Chesney. You earnt this.
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