Befanged, alt.lifestyle tourist, Avril Lavigne, long ago decided that being a skatergirl wasn’t for her because acne, greasy hair and ill-fitting jeans wasn’t at all attractive. And so, she promptly went mental, spat at some photographers and became airbrushed.
Losing her raison d’être, she tottered off into some pop-twilight, only getting column inches for her clearly tedious private life.
Things livened up briefly when she got into a bar-room brawl with some women, which left her bozo hunk of a fella – Brody Jenner (how is that not a girl’s name?) – with a bit gash on his face. No, we’re not talking about him fellating Lavigne. Alas, now, she’s got nothing as the pair have decided to wave ta-ta to their relationship.
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Happy New Year, you jerk-offs. A lot of you have been snivelling onto us, trying to get us to bring back Readers’ Letters so that you don’t have to trawl through our articles looking for all the nut jobs that believe we’re being serious (which we are, obviously) and to you we say only this.
FINE, JEEZ.
You’re so needy. Look at you, sitting there like overgrown babies desperately waiting to read about all the people that hate us so that you can make a mental note of the kind of thing to bombard us with over the next week.
You’re the worst kind of scum and that’s why we love you. Anyway, for the first time in 2012, let’s take a dive into our putrid postbag shall we?
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For a while, Avril Lavigne was one of the most famous people on Earth. She was a very marketable mix of Alanis Morrisette and Nu Metal and everyone wanted her to hurry up with the ageing process so they could stop feeling guilty for fancying her.
And her fangs.
Like Hubba Bubba, she quickly lost her flavour, spat at some photographers and started wearing dolly bird make-up… yet somehow, she still has something of a career. So while she toured herself to her dwindling audience, she figured she’d throw a cover version into her set. A Coldplay song no less. This is where one brave soul rushed the stage to try and stop this unfurling horror.
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If your dream was to one day see a Sum 41/ Avril Lavigne supergroup, we’ve got some miserable news for you.
You have crap dreams. Seriously, try and upgrade your ambition a little. Oh, and the other piece of miserable news is that the aforementioned supergroup will never come to pass – following their recent split announcement, Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley have filed for divorce.
Apparently Avril Lavigne cited irreconcilable differences in her divorce papers, but that’s just legal talk. We think it means that they had to get divorced because literally nobody on the planet had thought about either of them once in the last two years.
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Are you invested in the lives of people who you once sort of half-liked but now no longer remember at all?
You are? Then you might want to sit down. Remember Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley? Come on, yes you do. They were the king and queen of bad, faux-rebellious teenage music from several years ago. Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley. You remember. She was definitely a punk because sometimes she wore a tie in an ironic way and his name was both stupid and hard to spell. You remember Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley. You do.
Anyway, they’ve split up.
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Avril Lavigne has been called many things – ‘an irritating little twit’, ‘a moody, half-arsed performer’ and even (cruelest of the cruel) ‘married to that fat-faced one from Sum 41′.
What she seemingly has never been called though, is ‘too sexy’. Until now. Ahead of an upcoming tour around Asia, the youth wing of the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party have raised issue with the Canadian poplet with the dead eyes. For being too sexy.
The world can be a very odd place. Now, we understand it may be a more conservative way of life over there, but calling Avril Lavigne ‘too sexy’ is akin to calling Brooke Hogan a ‘purveyor of finely thought out political commentary’ – it just doesn’t fit. How, exactly, is looking really bored on stage considered sexy, even in a culture where sexuality is somewhat repressed, or hidden away?
Answers on a postcard.
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Hey! Hey! You! You! Do you want to dress like an obnoxious, self-important, mostly clueless twonklord?
You do? Well that's just fantastic, because Avril Lavigne is bringing out her very own clothing line. And, best of all, every garment is loosely based on an item of clothing that Avril Lavigne actually owns!
Now you too can experience the thrill of people stopping you on the street and asking if you're Avril Lavigne. You'll also be able to experience the uncomfortable beating that you'll get when you reply "No, but I love Avril Lavigne so much that I bought a range of clothes specifically to make me look like her," but let's not dwell on that. Avril Lavigne! Yay!
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Imagine the glorious baby that would be created if obnoxious pop brat Avril Lavigne ever had a baby with syrup-faced goon Deryck Whibley.
And imagine it hard, because you won't get to see it for a while. Although reports have been fizzing around claiming that Avril Lavigne is expecting her first baby, Avril's reps have dashed everyone's hopes by claiming that none of it is true.
But, hey, at least now that she probably isn't pregnant Avril Lavigne gets to remain the cleverest and most mature person in her family. Unless she has a pet gerbil, of course.
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