Cool uncle and embarrassing aunt.

Folded:

• The Chase from Midnight Express – Club Version (very Berlin. Then again you could remix Giorgio Moroder’s alarm clock and make a decent track)
• Films on the telly (why are they always more fun than putting on a DVD?)
• Be miserable (doctor’s orders)
• Donut Drake in Uncharted 2 (such a laugh climbing on the wrecked train and the pipes break)
• New Avatar trailer (we can stop sweating, this actually looks pretty good now)

Creased:

• Prince of Persia movie trailer (they’re thinking Pirates; they’re getting Hercules)
• Fireworks… (do THIS. Not nice)
• 50 Cent (officially plastic)
• Greg James (the worst DJ Radio One has ever employed. And that’s saying something)
• Hackers (why do they get such a cool nickname? Let’s call them bottom feeding pissants instead)

Happy and sad.

Folded:

• Emeli Sande (criminally not in the video for Diamond Rings by Chipmunk despite doing all the singing. Buy her stuff anyway, it’s grrrr and soulful)
• Benefit Busters on Channel 4 (all hilarious but ‘in conversation with Emma’ was comedy moment of the year)
• Big Brother axed (don’t worry, we’ll find something else to write about all summer)
• Colin McRae: Dirt 2 (currently available for download on PS3 and Xbox 360. Shaping up as this year’s most fun racer)
• Sweet Dreams by Beyoncé (only comparatively Folded, but it’s still her best track for years)

Creased:

• Avatar teaser footage (take your joypads when the film hits cinemas in December)
• Empire magazine’s message board analysing said Avatar footage (at one point it had 700 comments, 98% of which were utter garbage)
• New X Factor format (did anyone remember asking for Britain’s Got The X Factor?)
• Remedy by Little Boots (‘Little Boots’ is apparently her nickname because she has little feet. Right, and The Dude’s called The Dude because everyone thinks he’s so cool)
• My Big Decision on BBC Three (touching stuff when that girl ‘overcame’ her desire for liposuction by having her mum hire a £400 a month personal trainer)

It is as inevitable as day turning into night, Gordon Ramsay swearing and every odd numbered Star Trek movie being rubbish* – the summer blockbuster season is always ripe with disappointment.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news here but it’s true; this year has already proven that! - hello Wolverine, hello Terminator: Salvation – but there is hope and hype on the horizon – the year isn’t over yet.

So here at hecklerspray we have decided to compile a list of films that you shouldn’t be looking forward to, no matter what anybody says.

*Proven wrong this year so the list is fallible.

5. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

Clearly movies based on toys are the next ‘it’ thing – see; Transformers 2. G.I. Joe (or Action Man – The Greatest Hero Of Them All as we call him) is being thrust onto the silver screen this summer with ol’ jug-ears Christopher Eccleston being all bad and ol’ ‘I’ll get my jugs out for a fiver’ Sienna Miller being all moody. We’re not sure why this is being made but it’s got a following and some decent names involved. We just can’t help shake the fact it’s based on a shoddy line of toys and is just a walking, talking advert which makes us feel all used inside.

4. Inglourious Basterds

This is on here for a simple reason – It’s Tarantino, master of the over-hyped, disappointing film (See; Kill Bill vol 2, Jackie Brown). There is no doubt that while it may be filled with a few choice chunks of quotable dialogue here and there, it’s not going to come close to his first two films. Although Brad Pitt looks pretty bad-ass with that neck scar.

3. Sherlock Holmes

Luckily for the viewing public the c-word wasn’t invented in 19th century England. Shame for Guy Ritchie, though, as he’ll have to pad his script out with an alternative phrase to shove between every other word, in his adaptation of the sleuth spy’s adventures. Although, with Downey Jnr. under the deerstalker cap some hope remains but, then again, Ritchie hasn’t made a good film since Snatch.

2. Avatar

Picture this: you’ve taken just over ten years off of work to go swanning about in the ocean. Do you think you’d come back to work firing on all prune-fingered cylinders? Well James Cameron hopes so, as does his army of devoted followers. Avatar sees the director return behind the camera for the first film since Titanic took over the world. Not a single piece of footage, still or a decent summary of the plot has been released yet and with only a few months left ‘til opening it could all come crashing down for the man who once proclaimed “I’m the king of the world!”…we’ll see about that come November, Mr Cameron.

1. Twilight – New Moon

The onslaught of the screaming fan-girls hasn’t let-up since Twilight sucked all the joy out of rational cinema goers back last year. Still, the film has its following and all the principle cast return for more spooky/romantic encounters later this year. Presumably because Robert Pattinson realised he won’t get much work once the franchise is over and because Kristen Stewart was probably stoned when she agreed.

Can a film that gets made within a year of the original really stand a chance of being any good? Look at the Saw franchise and you’ll get an idea of the slippery path the Twilight saga is sliding down. Expect much denial from the fanbase come November when the film is released and the third entry in the franchise to dilute the formula even more the following year.

At least we only have to deal with the vacuous black hole of wit and charisma that is Robert Pattinson once a year – God forbid they start churning these out twice a year.

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Forget the various industry events and announcements at E3 – it’s time to get down to business.

In other words, which games were good and which were bad.

Now, I have adopted a very scientific approach to this – I basically played or viewed demos of any games I liked the look of during the three days and rated them either in the ‘buy’ or ‘don’t buy’ categories.

It was tough and took me ages, but I just wanted to let you know I really wanted to go the extra mile for you, the Hecklerspray public. Enjoy!!

GAMES I LIKED

1. Modern Warfare 2
Available on: Xbox 360, PS3, Microsoft Windows

The highly-anticipated follow-up to Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare drew gasps of excitement at the Microsoft press conference – and I for one can’t wait to get my hands on it.

The graphics look slicker and the game play faster and furious than its quite brilliant predecessor, with developers Infinity Ward even claiming it pushes the Xbox 360 to its ‘upper limits’.

Not sure about that, but I am certainly going to be at the front of the queue when it’s finally released on November 10. Five months and counting.

2. Forza 3
Available on: Xbox 360

I am the first to admit I am not the biggest racing game fan – mainly because I am rubbish at them – but I am actually considering getting Forza 3 when it comes out in October.

Head designer Dan Greenwall proudly told me ‘it’s the biggest and the best’ – and, after having a test drive, I tend to agree.

Running on 60 frames a second, the graphics are simply incredible and no expense has been spared in trying to make the driving experience as realistic as possible – even right down to the tyre pressure.

It’s been built by a team of driving enthusiasts, who describe Forza as their ‘passion’-  and you can tell.

There are 400 cars and 60 tracks to choose from – the most of any driving game – plus there are some pretty incredible tools with which to customise and spruce up your cars.

3. WET
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3

OK, so Dollhouse was a pile of crap, but in WET, Eliza Dushku, who voices hired killer Rubi Malone, could finally have a hit on her hands this autumn.

Dusku herself describes her as ‘a working class Lara Croft’, which I personally think kind of misses some of the appeal of the posh Tomb Raider.

But by the looks of the demo I saw, it looks a real winner, with Dusku’s raven-haired, gun-toting and sword-fighting Malone hitting all the right buttons.

It was also written by 24’s Duppy Demetrius, so expect some ludicrous plots and twists. I am also refusing to do any wet Eliza Dushku jokes

4. God of War III
Available on: PS3
This beautiful and brutal follow-up is sure to be a huge hit after attracting the most attention on the Sony booth.

From the demo I saw, a more fluid Kratos has an even wider selection of moves and weapons with which to smash up his enemies during the assault on Mount Olympus.

Only problem is you will have to wait until March to get your hands on it.

5. Halo 3 ODST
Available on: Xbox 360

It not only looks great, but it also looks a lot harder than previous entries in the series.

They really packed a lot into this game, so much so they have had to split the multi-player and story modes into two discs.

The multi-player disc includes all 21 original multi-player maps and three new ones, plus a new ‘firefight’ mode, which is an unending set of survival matches for up to four players against random waves of Covenant forces.

It’s due to be released on September 22, but if you are still not sure, just take in mind anyone who buys a copy will receive access to the beta of the next instalment, Halo Reach.

6. Splinter Cell: Conviction
Available on: Microsoft Windows and Xbox 360

I was never a huge fan of the first four Splinter Cells. I generally found the stealth modes slow and infuriating.

But after seeing a demo of Splinter Cell: Conviction – the fifth instalment of the Tom Clancy series, in which Sam Fisher investigates the death of his daughter, Sarah Fisher – I am thinking of actually getting it when it comes out in autumn.

The action, especially when Sam is in stealth mode, is smoother and there is also some really cool new gadgets to use, such as EMP grenades.

Ubisoft are even promising some extra features to the multiplayer modes.

7. Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles
Available on: Nintendo Wii
So just who is the hardest of the Ninja Turtles? Well, you get to decide in this fun four-player beat-em-up due out in September, which sees the green heroes battle each other on a variety of backdrops.

But you don’t have to be a pizza-loving reptile – you can choose from seven TMNG characters, even April.

It proves you don’t need the best graphics to come up with a winner – just a really playable and highly-addictive game.

8. Mass Effect 2
Available on: Xbox 360, Microsoft Windows

Of all the games I saw at E3, this was the one game that simply blew me away. It was almost worth queuing for 40 minutes just to get a sneak peak – just about.

The graphics are simply stunning and the depth of quality far beyond anything I have ever seen before from a console game.

So what have they done to improve it? Well, for starters, there are more weapons, improved action sequences and the ability to stop conversations mid-flow if someone gets on your nerves and you want to deal out some swift justice.

The result is a much darker and brooding game, with developers admitting they “expect Commander Shepard to die” while on his mission to recruit a selection of shady characters.

Those who played the first one can even download the decisions they made in the prequel. Only problem is you have to wait until early next year to have a go yourself.

9. New Super Mario Brothers
Available on: Nintendo Wii
This co-op side-scroller for up to four players will hit retailers around August and looks more addictive than crack-covered Pringles.

10. DJ Hero
Available on: Xbox 360, Wii, PS2 and PS3

Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of the Rock Band and Guitar Hero franchises, but there is only so much you can do with it.

The genre needs a kick up the arse, and with DJ Hero, Activision has a real winner.

To anyone who has played Rock Band or Guitar Hero, the premise is basically the same, with players having to play along on their plastic turntable to coloured markers as they scroll down the screen.

The only difference is that strumming or drumming is replaced by scratching, mixing and cross-fading.

My only concern is that splitting the atom might actually be easier.

But with 80-odd tracks to choose from, including Marvin Gaye, Eminem, Gwen Stefani, the Gorillaz, the Black Eyed Peas, and even more to download, there is enough to keep you trying.

11. The Conduit
Available on: Nintendo Wii
Published by Sega, The Conduit is a first-person shooter which looks like something you would get on the Xbox or PS3 – only it’s available exclusively on the Wii.

That means you get the benefit of aiming your Wii controller at your enemies while throwing grenades with your other. Don’t miss it when it’s released at the end of this month.

12. Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
Available on: PS3

One of the standout performers at E3, this follow-up to the story of antiquities hunter Nathan Drake not only adds both competitive and co-operative multiplayer modes but also slicker action, better graphics and improved artificial intelligence.

Simply brilliant. Pick up a copy this autumn.

13. Red Faction: Guerrilla
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3

Having never played any of the Red Faction prequels, I really did not know what to expect when I picked up the control.

But it is probably the game I enjoyed the most at the exhibition.

Available on both Xbox and PS3 and on sale now, developers Volition Inc have spent the last five years turning a first-person shoot-em-up into a third person shoot-em-up.

Not that guns are the only weapons available. In fact, the weapon of choice is hammers. Not your average household nail-hitter. I am talking hammers as big as yourself and capable of demolishing buildings in a single swipe.

And that is really what makes it so much fun:  you can pretty much destroy everything on the screen.

In fact, I spent most of my time ignoring the rest of the 15 competitors and knocking down large chimney stacks instead.

14. The Beatles: Rock Band
Available on: Xbox 360, Wii, PS2 and PS3

It’s hardly a stretch to imagine that if you take something as good as Rock Band and then add the biggest band of all time then you have a hit on your hands.

But even I was surprised at just how well it plays – and, even more surprisingly, how hard the drum parts are. Have they changed them?

GAMES I DIDN’T LIKE

1.  Lips 2: Number One Hits
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3

So, it’s basically Lips but with different songs.

Due out in October, this sequel focuses on only worldwide number ones, including MC Hammer’s You Can’t Touch This and Culture Club’s Karma Chameleon.

Yawn. Is it not time they tried adding something extra? Even the microphones are losing their sparkle.

And can I just point on, it has nothing to do with one of the Xbox team beating me in a sing-off. Bloody cheats!

2. Guitar Hero 5
Available on: Xbox 360, Wii, PS2 and PS3
New party play, in which any number of extra drummers bassists or guitarists can join in mid-song, fails to cover up the fact that it’s basically the same game as the rest with some different tracks.

Released on September 1, but it’s all starting to look a bit tired.

3. Brutal Legend
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3

Jack Black stars as a burly roadie who is whisked to a fantasy world, where he fights an odd collection of demons and villains with his axe – and some devastating guitar riffs.

Forgive me, but it just sounds like one of Black’s wet dreams – something I never want to be part of.

Amusing cut scenes fail to gloss over the fact the action is very awkward and slow. Released mid-October for those who still care.

4. Army of Two: 40th Day
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3
I should have known by the short queue that was I was not going to be impressed.

If you were a fan of the original third-person co-op shooter, I am sure you will like this second offering.

But for me, the graphics looks jerky, while the action and plot were both tiresome and annoying.

5. Dante’s Inferno
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3
I cannot believe I queued for so long to look at a third-person adventure game that was, well, boring. I have seen better plots in EastEnders.

6. Avatar
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3
I was lucky enough to get a special screening of this game, due to be released in October – a couple of months before the much-anticipated 3D movie.

And, watching it on a 3D flat screen bigger than James Cameron’s budget and introduced by a very enthusiastic John Landau, you could not fail to be impressed.

The sound and special 3D effects are breathtaking. But as nobody actually owns a 3D TV, you wonder whether it will be just like any other half-decent third-person shooter on the Xbox and PS3.

It did whet my appetite for the movie, however – and I think that is the point.

7. Assassin’s Creed 2
Available on: Microsoft Windows, Xbox 360 and PS3

OK, I know this is a controversial choice, but I found the original Assassin’s Creed repetitive and dull – and from what I have seen of the follow-up, it won’t be much better.

Sure, set in 1486 in Venice during the Italian Renaissance, the artwork is quite stunning. The developers’ eye for historical detail should also be applauded, plus they have added new weapons and a superb double-kill attack.

But it’s supposed to be fun, right? And creating different body types for enemies is all well and good, but if half of them don’t react the way they should, or at all, what’s the point?

Don’t get me wrong, I am sure it will sell when it’s released on November 17, but I, for one, won’t be parting with my not-so-hard-earned cash.

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This isn’t down to Avatar’s game-changing adoption of brand new 3D technology, though, or the fact it’s been a decade in the making because most cinemas just haven’t been equipped to screen it until now. No, Avatar is supposed to be a masterpiece because it’s a Michelle Rodriguez film that doesn’t make people want to deliberately hurt themselves.

And now we can see the very first fruits of James Cameron’s Avatar – the Avatar teaser trailer has just been premiered on the internet.

So what does this teaster trailer teach us about Avatar? Well, it’s early days but we think we’re correct in assuming that James Cameron + bleeding edge computer animated motion capture technology + a rumoured production budget of close to $300 million = a MTV2 alternative rock video from 1993. With something that sounds worryingly like a Robson and Jerome soundtrack. This film is going to rule.

UPDATE – OK, there goes our credibility. Turns out this is a fake trailer after all. But the real one had better feature hundreds of library clips of clocks and plants, too, or else we’re going to get punchy.