Avatar - HecklerSpray

Release Dates Confirmed For Invariably Disappointing New Avatar Movies!

October 28th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

You saw Avatar didn’t you? Every single human on Earth saw it! And most likely, you walked out thinking that it was a pretty rubbish film, but the 3D was pretty cool. Sadly, 3D can only add depth to the image and not the plot. But still. It was fun to gawp at Sigourney Weaver’s really wide back.

Well, we can be underwhelmed all over again, with the added bonus of being kinda bored by 3D trickery, as the release dates for the new Avatar films have been announced!

Of course, in an attempt to make you click bits of our site, we’ll reveal the dates over the jump. If we told you here, you’d simply walk away without reading all the pointless padding we stick in these mediocre articles.

James Cameron To Fix Oil Leak Because Oh God Knows

June 3rd, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

People have run out of ideas about how to fix the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. That said, they only ever had one idea.

Golf balls. Apparently golf balls don’t fix environmental catastrophes. Who knew? But anyway, now that the lack of a solution has become equally disastrous and embarrassing, the authorities have decided to call in the big guns. That’s right, James Cameron is on the case.

No, not a world-class environmental scientist called James Cameron. James Cameron James Cameron. The Avatar guy. He knows exactly how to repair the broken pipeline because he owns some submarines and he knows a lot about underwater stuff. Or, failing that, he can just plug the hole with his increasingly berserk Helen Mirren haircut. Either way, he’s our new hero!

Sigourney Weaver: ‘The Oscars Are Sexist! Or Not Sexist Enough!’

April 14th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Now that it’s April, we don’t have to remember anything about what happened at The Oscars, and it’s beautiful.

We don’t have to remember the winners. We don’t have to remember the forced stage banter. In fact, aside from the speech where Sandra Bullock praised her husband without realising that he’d been secretly boning a tattooed Nazi fetishist on the sly, we don’t remember a single thing about The Oscars at all. But Sigourney Weaver does.

Sigourney Weaver remembers that her film Avatar hardly won any Oscars, even though it was prettier than everything else, more technologically advanced than anything else and had about 30 more offensive blue Jesus-aliens in it than anything else. Why does Sigourney Weaver think that Avatar fared so miserably at The Oscars – simple, it’s because James Cameron doesn’t have a vagina. Obviously.

The Oscars 2010: Apparently The Hurt Locker Is Quite Good

March 8th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Last night’s Oscars set up a number of rivalries – Sandra Bullock vs Meryl Streep, Steve Martin vs Alec Baldwin.

Crippling tedium vs wanting to shoot yourself in the mouth. But perhaps the biggest Oscars rivalry of them all was Avatar vs The Hurt Locker. One a low-budget issue-led drama about modern warfare, the other the world’s most expensive PS3 cutaway scene. One a commercial juggernaut, the other a flop. One directed by a woman, the other directed by a man with woman’s hair, which is more or less the same thing. Which film would emerge from the Oscars triumphant?

Turns out it was The Hurt Locker. So, you know, it’s probably time to start pretending that you’ve already seen it and stuff.

No, Really, James Cameron Would Love The Oscars To Mock Avatar

March 5th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Each year the Oscars have a theme. Admittedly most of the time the theme is Sobbing Millionaires, so nobody really notices.

But not this year. This year it looks like the main Oscars theme will be Whatever You Do, Don’t Piss James Cameron Off. One movie producer has already been banned from the Oscars for badmouthing Avatar in an email, and now Sacha Baron Cohen has also been told to stay away because his planned Avatar skit might have ended up offending James Cameron.

Not that James Cameron minds. In fact, he’s said that he’d love the Oscars to poke fun at Avatar. Obviously the people responsible for the poking will never work in Hollywood again, and their house might mysteriously burn down in the middle of the night, and all the food they eat afterwards might taste a bit like poison, but that’s all part of the fun, isn’t it?

Hurt Locker Producer Banned From Oscars For Being A Divvy

March 3rd, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

It’s the Oscars on Sunday! Excited? No, us neither! It’s basically a big smug party that we’ll never be invited to.

But it could be worse. We could be Nicolas Chartier. As a producer of The Hurt Locker, the Oscars were supposed to be Nicolas Chartier’s moment of glory – when his little film could finally beat the odds and be recognised as the cinematic masterpiece that it is. He’d get to hold the Oscar high above his head, express his gratitude to millions of people and then go off to a glitzy afterparty where he could spend hour after hour trying to look down Kate Winslet‘s top.

But that’s not to be. You see, Nicolas Chartier has become the first ever Oscar nominee to be banned from the ceremony, and all because he wrote a silly email that slagged off Avatar. Whoops.

Avatar Turns Into A Book – Oh, Look Excited

February 18th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Let’s play a game. Imagine Avatar. Imagine everything you liked about Avatar. Now remove all the 3D.

Now remove the breathtaking visuals. Now remove all the nuanced motion capture performances, the emotive score, the cutting-edge technology and the spectacle of seeing a perfectly-realised alien world come to life in such perfect detail that you secretly wished you live there. You’ve got a slightly gormless environmental story about a lanky blue Jesus who flies around on a pterodactyl having it off with tentacly aliens all the time.

Or you’ve got the Avatar prequel novel that James Cameron wants to write. It doesn’t matter which; they’re just as rubbish-sounding as each other.

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

August 4th, 2012 By Chris Laverty

High and low tide.

Folded:

Vanilla Ice (finally found a way to be the coolest guy in the room)
A nice lady called Amy Walker doing accents (the South Carolina is darling, darling)
The Cleveland Show (plush Stewie?s getting so old. Let's get that cute Cleveland Jr in all the card shops now)
Macgruber (?I'm a three wire guy?)
Luke?s regret (just don't think about it for too long)

Creased:

Cinemas still packed with people seeing Avatar for the first time (if you haven't seen it by now, don't bother. Even watching Peter Andre explode after waiting this long would be disappointing)

Weekend Box Office: Avat… What? No Avatar? Seriously?

February 7th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

You know, many people were expecting Avatar to be top of the weekend box office until the end of time.

After all, it had everything. Guns, explosions, robots, sexy lady aliens with boobs, you name it. However, here’s where the people got it wrong – it’s only boys who like that stuff. Girls like different things. Girls like sensitive boys and crying and scenes of sensitive boys kissing crying girls on construction sites in rainstorms. And where was all that in Avatar? Nowhere, that’s where.

And that’s why the new weekend box office number one is Dear John, which is either the greatest movie ever made or an awful piece of crap, depending on how many fallopian tubes you own.

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

August 4th, 2012 By Chris Laverty

This week?s good and bad for oh-so-fun February.

Folded:

Peter Serafinowicz does the iPad (hiccup inducing funny as always)
Zoe Saldana (c?mon, they should have at least nominated her)
The Wolfman (looks good if nothing else)
Innocent smoothies (not cheap0, but healthy and, let's face it, you get what you pay for)
Cobie Smulders (right up there with Sophie Okonedo for the Coolest Name in Acting award)

Creased:

Feeling stupid for bad-mouthing Avatar after that first trailer came out (good job no-one was listening)