You saw Avatar didn’t you? Every single human on Earth saw it! And most likely, you walked out thinking that it was a pretty rubbish film, but the 3D was pretty cool. Sadly, 3D can only add depth to the image and not the plot. But still. It was fun to gawp at Sigourney Weaver’s really wide back.
Well, we can be underwhelmed all over again, with the added bonus of being kinda bored by 3D trickery, as the release dates for the new Avatar films have been announced!
Of course, in an attempt to make you click bits of our site, we’ll reveal the dates over the jump. If we told you here, you’d simply walk away without reading all the pointless padding we stick in these mediocre articles. Read More >>>
People have run out of ideas about how to fix the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. That said, they only ever had one idea.
Golf balls. Apparently golf balls don’t fix environmental catastrophes. Who knew? But anyway, now that the lack of a solution has become equally disastrous and embarrassing, the authorities have decided to call in the big guns. That’s right, James Cameron is on the case.
No, not a world-class environmental scientist called James Cameron. James Cameron James Cameron. The Avatar guy. He knows exactly how to repair the broken pipeline because he owns some submarines and he knows a lot about underwater stuff. Or, failing that, he can just plug the hole with his increasingly berserk Helen Mirren haircut. Either way, he’s our new hero!
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Now that it’s April, we don’t have to remember anything about what happened at The Oscars, and it’s beautiful.
We don’t have to remember the winners. We don’t have to remember the forced stage banter. In fact, aside from the speech where Sandra Bullock praised her husband without realising that he’d been secretly boning a tattooed Nazi fetishist on the sly, we don’t remember a single thing about The Oscars at all. But Sigourney Weaver does.
Sigourney Weaver remembers that her film Avatar hardly won any Oscars, even though it was prettier than everything else, more technologically advanced than anything else and had about 30 more offensive blue Jesus-aliens in it than anything else. Why does Sigourney Weaver think that Avatar fared so miserably at The Oscars – simple, it’s because James Cameron doesn’t have a vagina. Obviously.
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Last night’s Oscars set up a number of rivalries – Sandra Bullock vs Meryl Streep, Steve Martin vs Alec Baldwin.
Crippling tedium vs wanting to shoot yourself in the mouth. But perhaps the biggest Oscars rivalry of them all was Avatar vs The Hurt Locker. One a low-budget issue-led drama about modern warfare, the other the world’s most expensive PS3 cutaway scene. One a commercial juggernaut, the other a flop. One directed by a woman, the other directed by a man with woman’s hair, which is more or less the same thing. Which film would emerge from the Oscars triumphant?
Turns out it was The Hurt Locker. So, you know, it’s probably time to start pretending that you’ve already seen it and stuff.
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Each year the Oscars have a theme. Admittedly most of the time the theme is Sobbing Millionaires, so nobody really notices.
But not this year. This year it looks like the main Oscars theme will be Whatever You Do, Don’t Piss James Cameron Off. One movie producer has already been banned from the Oscars for badmouthing Avatar in an email, and now Sacha Baron Cohen has also been told to stay away because his planned Avatar skit might have ended up offending James Cameron.
Not that James Cameron minds. In fact, he’s said that he’d love the Oscars to poke fun at Avatar. Obviously the people responsible for the poking will never work in Hollywood again, and their house might mysteriously burn down in the middle of the night, and all the food they eat afterwards might taste a bit like poison, but that’s all part of the fun, isn’t it?
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It’s the Oscars on Sunday! Excited? No, us neither! It’s basically a big smug party that we’ll never be invited to.
But it could be worse. We could be Nicolas Chartier. As a producer of The Hurt Locker, the Oscars were supposed to be Nicolas Chartier’s moment of glory – when his little film could finally beat the odds and be recognised as the cinematic masterpiece that it is. He’d get to hold the Oscar high above his head, express his gratitude to millions of people and then go off to a glitzy afterparty where he could spend hour after hour trying to look down Kate Winslet‘s top.
But that’s not to be. You see, Nicolas Chartier has become the first ever Oscar nominee to be banned from the ceremony, and all because he wrote a silly email that slagged off Avatar. Whoops.
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Let’s play a game. Imagine Avatar. Imagine everything you liked about Avatar. Now remove all the 3D.
Now remove the breathtaking visuals. Now remove all the nuanced motion capture performances, the emotive score, the cutting-edge technology and the spectacle of seeing a perfectly-realised alien world come to life in such perfect detail that you secretly wished you live there. You’ve got a slightly gormless environmental story about a lanky blue Jesus who flies around on a pterodactyl having it off with tentacly aliens all the time.
Or you’ve got the Avatar prequel novel that James Cameron wants to write. It doesn’t matter which; they’re just as rubbish-sounding as each other.
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High and low tide.
Folded:
- Vanilla Ice (finally found a way to be the coolest guy in the room)
- A nice lady called Amy Walker doing accents (the South Carolina is darling, darling)
- The Cleveland Show (plush Stewie’s getting so old. Let’s get that cute Cleveland Jr in all the card shops now)
- Macgruber (“I’m a three wire guy”)
- Luke’s regret (just don’t think about it for too long)
Creased:
- Cinemas still packed with people seeing Avatar for the first time (if you haven’t seen it by now, don’t bother. Even watching Peter Andre explode after waiting this long would be disappointing)
- Bioshock 2 (more of the same but without the storyline. They didn’t up their game enough)
- Nicola Roberts (taken it upon herself to speak out against tanning by looking like an 18th century courtesan)
- St Valentine’s Day (designed to shove ‘ooh, we’re in a couple and you’re not’ in every single person’s face. Kinda like if there was a St Wealthy Day where rich people taunted us with bags of money and then burnt them all)
- John Terry (all he needs now is a license to kill)
You saw Avatar didn’t you? Every single human on Earth saw it! And most likely, you walked out thinking that it was a pretty rubbish film, but the 3D was pretty cool. Sadly, 3D can only add depth to the image and not the plot. But still. It was fun to gawp at Sigourney Weaver’s really wide back. 
