So why not Patrick Swayze himself? It’s been reported that Patrick Swayze will pen a memoir with the help of his wife Lisa. The book will span Swayze’s entire life – which means, unless things take a turn for the better soon, it’s going to have an incredibly depressing ending.

Because, Jesus, The Beast? Have you actually seen that thing? Talk about a terrible way to end an autobiography. Way to bum us all out, Patrick.

Think Patrick Swayze at the moment and, sadly, you tend to think of the stage 4 pancreatic cancer that he’s been blighted with for the last year. That’s not without good reason – for all the upsetting talk of a two-year survival prognosis, the fact is that by doubling the life expectancy of a patient in a similar position, and by seeing off pneumonia in the process, Patrick Swayze has become something of an inspirational figure.

But, despite all this, there’s much more to Patrick Swayze than just cancer. He was named the sexiest man alive in 1991, for example. Plus he wrote She’s Like The Wind, guest-starred in an episode of MacGyver and was the single weirdest thing about Donnie Darko. And those are all things worth preserving.

And that’s why his continuing battle with cancer has spurred Patrick Swayze on to write his autobiography. Along with his wife Lisa, Patrick Swayze has announced that he’s planning to write what is bound to be an incredibly inspirational memoir. People reports:

Despite reports, the source says that Swayze, who is battling pancreatic cancer, will not write an inspirational book. Instead, The Beast star will focus on his life’s journey, including his current fight against cancer. No word yet on when the book will be published.

Oh, alright then. Patrick Swayze’s book won’t be inspirational after all. We’d quite like to think that Patrick Swayze is going to go out of his way to make his autobiography as deliberately curmudgeonly and demotivating as possible. Not just about his fight with cancer, but about everything that’s ever happened to him – we’d especially love to see chapter headings entitled Letters From A Killer: What In Shitting Christ Was I Thinking? and My Parents? Ugh, Don’t Talk To Me About My Parents – but that’s unlikely to happen, realistically.

Nevertheless, we’re sure that Patrick Swayze’s book will turn out great. Just so long as he remembers not to go into too much detail about anything that happened to him between 1992 and, say, 2007. Our lives are busy enough as it is without having to read page after page on the voice work that Patrick Swayze did for The Fox And The Hound 2.

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Seriously, our script has been yellowing in our closet. Lucas doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it – he must be racist. Why else would he refuse our package at the door? Over 100 times?

Speaking of overly long hand-crafted literature that nobody except George Lucas should have to read – Britney Spears has just agreed to write her autobiography. Sorry, up to five autobiographies.

It wasn’t so long ago that Lynne Spears, fleshy-incubator of Britney, wrote a tell-all book about mothering or something. The first chapter alone included bits about how Brit-Brit breastfed well into the eighth grade, and that Jamie Lynn’s baby was strictly the result of her losing control of her wheelies and rolling awkwardly into a pond where three horny alligators had only just been.

Well that’s how the book would have read had our first ghost-written copy been approved by all the necessary parties.

It wasn’t.

Those Spears’ though, they must have book writing in the blood. We’ll use this chunk from The Mirror to prove our point:

Our source reveals: “There have been numerous unofficial biographies printed about Britney, but she’s never agreed to pen her own tome – until now.” And some of the stories she’s got are absolute dynamite. She’s kept diaries so there’s nothing she’ll leave out unless she wants to. “If the deal goes ahead she will write between three and five books throughout the next decade – it’s one of the most lucrative book deals in showbiz history.”

Now when you started reading this article we have no doubt you thought to yourself – ‘Britney’s writing a book? But she’s lived so much, how can one novel possibly contain it all?’ And your answer there is, as already stated in the above quote, she’s gonna stretch it over the course of at least three books. Sound like a series to challenge Narnia itself. And the Encyclopedia Brittanica.

One of the few things we may already know about the Spears books so far is that when they’re inevitably made into a movie, Spears absolutely insists the part of her be played by Daniel Radcliffe. She really likes what he’s done with the Potter franchise. We’ve heard she’s already mailed him her red Martian jumpsuit to make sure it fits, which incidentally it does.

Now, granted, at this point book #1 is in a pretty early, non-written stage. However, through hecklerspray’s amazing ability to know all things as they were, as they are and as they’ve yet to be, we have some excerpts for you

Excerpt one:

“I studied the finger nails. I looked closer and wondered if those cuticles could possibly be as full of tape worms as they looked. So wriggly, so alive. Then Kevin finished his dance, and I knew I would love him.”

Excerpt two:

“I looked at my mother. I was scared – did she know what I’d done? Should I confess before she finds out? Yes – yes of course I should. So with the pony’s blood dripping down my teeth & cheeks I said “Momma, I been bad.”

Excerpt three:

“…me! They wanted me to be dungeon master! Nervously, I picked up the dice…”

That last bit actually bleeds over into book two. You should definitely buy it.

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One such prediction made by us would be when the plug would be pulled on X Factor winner Leona Lewis.

We assumed that after 18 months she’d call Kofi Annan a tit, lose all credibility and end up with a job in Runcorn. But apparently not – Brand Leona is still steadily growing. You’ve sung along to a soppy ballad and danced awkwardly to one of her routines, now prepare your nostrils for the Leona Lewis perfume and ghostwritten Leona Lewis book.

So what would an autobiography from Leona Lewis be like? From what we’ve gathered, her clean-cut media image may not make for interesting reading. Instead of discovering her once-crazy antics at house parties where she necked four pills and drank nothing but Special Brew, we expect something much duller. Something like this is more likely to be in her book in the form of diary entries.

Friday 16th March 2001

Instead of rescuing crushed hedgehogs and injured pigeons by the side of the motorway, me and my best mate Becca did something a bit more adventurous tonight. Emma the lezza at school said that if you shout ‘awoooooooga’ four times in a mirror whilst holding a glass of water, it’ll turn in to fizzy pop. Goodness, we did have a giggle.

Wednesday 20th December 2006

I still can’t believe I’ve won the X Factor singing competition. Gumdrops, it’s amazing to think I could be the next Michelle McManus! That nice man Simon Cowell said he’ll support me along the way and make sure he makes me a millionaire after he’s subtracted his 90% finder’s fee.

Monday 12th May 2008

I’m sick of people saying I look like a horse. Surely that’s Sarah Jessica Parker there talking about?

We can only wait with anticipation, we guess. As with most autobiographies penned by stupidly young people, we’re sure we’ll find out how fame has changed her rubbish ghetto family life to a more upbeat happier one.

So whilst we read her book on the train to work, we can whore out Leona even further by getting our fellow commuters to take a whiff of her self-titled debut fragrance. We can’t take an educated guess at the smell like we did with her book content, but here are a few potshots:

1 - Water – it’s dull and lifeless, like Leona Lewis

2 - Fruit – she hates meat, so you’ll essentially be spraying a fruit smoothie all over you.

3 – Bleeding love – though no-one probably wants smell like a woman’s period.

These money-grabbing ventures do seem a bit odd according to The Sun as in an old interview, it claims that Leona said the following a year ago:

“I’m totally focused on my music for now. My clothing line won’t be coming out just yet — or any perfume line.”

The chance to dress like her too! Wow, it really doesn’t get any better than this. Any fanatical stalkers out there are now 64% of the way to becoming a Leona Lewis clone. All that’s left to do now is to don a horse mask and prance around a room, eating hay and drinking from a trough.

Saying that, we’d rather have a Leona Lewis clone then a Kerry Katona a one. At least Leona Lewis isn’t as annoying and pointless.

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And that seems to have triggered something weird in Jade Goody’s brain. Since getting cancer has made her famous and liked again, Jade has taken it on herself to keep the momentum going by recounting awful periods of her life to various publications while photographers take pictures of her crying.

Following yesterday’s revelation that she once smoked crack in front of her mother, Jade Goody has now revealed that she was once kidnapped by a fake taxi driver. God knows what Jade will admit to tomorrow – maybe she once got sexually abused by some cattle or bought a pair of shoes made of tumours or something – but at least we know that this isn’t the most depressing Jade Goody news that we could hear. No, that’d be that they’re letting her back on the telly.

You wouldn’t want to be Jade Goody at the moment. OK, to be fair you wouldn’t want to be Jade Goody ever. In fact, most right-minded people would rather deliberately suffocate themselves in horse diarrhea than be anything like Jade Goody. But you especially wouldn’t want to be her now.

The reasons are too numerous to mention, but since Jade Goody is perhaps one of the only cancer sufferers in the country to also have a one-armed lesbian mother, an incarcerated boyfriend and a public reputation as a bit of a hateful racist, she just doesn’t seem like someone you’d want to particularly swap with, does she?

But, by a tragic coincidence, exactly one week after Jade Goody was seen sobbing her heart out on the cover of a million magazines because she’s got cancer, Jade Goody can now be seen sobbing her heart out on the cover of a million magazines because she’s got an autobiography coming out and promoting that seems to require her to dredge up every last gruesome event that’s ever occurred to her in public while a photographer snaps away at her miserable face.

Yesterday, of course, was ‘Jade Smoked Crack’ day, where Jade Goody admitted to smoking crack to make her mum stop smoking crack, even though that sounds like admitting to sitting in front of Weightwatchers eating a KFC Bargain Bucket to stop the lardies from eating so much.

And today? Well today Jade Goody has decided to inexplicably tell the world that a bloke kidnapped her once by pretending to be a taxi driver. Now reports:

The reality star, 27, and her then boyfriend climbed into his car thinking it was a cab. But when the driver dumped Jack Tweed, 21, in the middle on nowhere, Jade panicked.  She managed to overpower him and get out of the vehicle.  ‘I didn’t know what to do, then instinct kicked in,’ she writes in new book Jade: Catch A Falling Star. ‘It was to grab the driver’s head and begin hitting him as hard as I could.

It’s terrible, isn’t it? Why would anyone want to kidnap Jade Goody? All you’d end up with is a dumpy woman tied up in the corner of your house and a migraine from all her nasally bellowing. Jade Goody, hand on heart, would be one of the last people we’d kidnap.

Worse still, Jade Goody’s got a new perfume coming out soon as well, called Controversial. If she’s going through all this emotional anguish for a book, imagine what she’ll do for something that she doesn’t even have to read. Honestly, it’s going to be like the last few scenes of Requiem For A Dream, except a bit more council.

But what about the world of autobiographies? Why, no. Of course not. Miley Cyrus is only 15 years old. For Miley Cyrus to write an autobiography at such a young age would be to insult the intelligence of her fans in just about the most unforgivable way possible. That’s something we can all agree on.

Well, all of us except Miley Cyrus and the Disney Book Group, because it’s been announced that the Miley Cyrus memoirs are coming out soon. We’re especially looking forward to the chapter about how, by the age of 12, Miley Cyrus had more money than all of us would ever earn from a lifetime of backbreaking physical labour combined. Fun!

This is just a guess, but we’d imagine that some of our female readers kept diaries during their teenage years. And if that’s true, then the thought of having those diaries turned into a book – allowing the world full access to all your adolescent neuroses and anecdotes about that time you sat in a cupboard, kissed your own hand and pretended it was Mel Gibson’s face – probably makes you want to cry.

Miley Cyrus clearly doesn’t have the same fear as you, though, because – even though she’s just 15 years old – she’s signed a deal with the Disney Book Club to write her memoirs, helpfully filling the previously ignored ‘autobiographies by people who aren’t even old enough to buy fireworks’ market. BBC News reports:

Miley Cyrus, teenage star of Disney’s Hannah Montana TV series, has signed a book deal to tell her life story. The 15-year-old’s memoir will focus on her relationship with mother Leticia, according to the Disney Book Group. “I am so excited to let fans in on how important my relationship with my family is to me,” said Cyrus. She said she hoped “to motivate mothers and daughters to build lifetimes of memories together and inspire kids around the world to live their dreams.”

What? ‘Motivate mothers and daughters to build lifetimes of memories together’? Christ, we’re not sure if we’d even trust Miley Cyrus to write the insides of greetings cards, let alone actual books. And Miley Cyrus will be writing the book, by the way – it won’t just be some lazily spunked-off vanilla-flavoured piece of ghostwritten focus-grouped hackery schemed up by people who know they’d sell a million fang-toothed AIDS monkeys to children if they had the name Miley Cyrus written on them somewhere. Or maybe it will be. Come to think of it, it probably will be, won’t it? Sorry.

Besides, surely Miley Cyrus writing her autobiography now is a mistake. Sure, she’ll be able to detail her massive successes with the Hannah Montana TV show and the Hannah Montana movie and the Hannah Montana concert tour and the Hannah Montana albums – successes that most adults will never see – but she’s not thinking ahead. What about the book that Miley Cyrus will write in the year 2040 where she discusses her fall from popularity and subsequent alcoholism, drug addiction, bankruptcy and tragic slide into low-rent prostitution? If people have already got one Miley Cyrus autobiography then they won’t want another one.

Still, maybe these Miley Cyrus memoirs aren’t meant to be read by her fans. After all, the book promises to contain ‘previously unseen photos’ and, considering how filthy the previously seen Mily Cyrus photos are, we’re half expecting Miley’s book to come sealed in a foiled wrapper like Madonna’s Sex book.

Read more:

Montana star Cyrus to write book – BBC

Oh, come on, yes you do. You do. Just like you want to know how George Michael felt when he called up Richard and Judy to defend getting caught wanking off a stranger in a bush.

And soon you'll know, because George Michael has just announced that he's to write his autobiography, and it'll include every single important event from his life apart from all the bits that he forgot because he fell asleep in the middle of them.

George Michael has a lifestyle that millions of people violently envy daily. Admittedly, they're the millions of people whose dream life consists of nothing but falling asleep in inappropriate places and then romping off to the park to masturbate ugly strangers, but they still count.

But until now we've never really got a handle on what George Michael is like deep down. Sure, we know he's the bloke from Wham! who Princess Diana wanted to shag. We know that he's either self-deprecating enough to appear as himself in the Extras Christmas special or so stubbornly humourless that he screams about suing the whole world after it's seen him rummaging with a man's winky in a bush. We know that George Michael loves the drugs.

That's all, though, and we're so desperate to know more that we regularly just give up and start crying because we don't know the precise ins and outs of George Michael's everyday life. But that'll all change next year, though, because that's when George Michael's tell-all autobiography will be released. What's more, it'll make George Michael rich beyond his wildest dreams. Reuters reports:

Pop star George Michael will write a no-holds-barred biography to appear in autumn 2009 after signing what HarperCollins called "one of the biggest book deals ever concluded in UK publishing." The deal was agreed by Belinda Budge, managing director and publisher of Harper NonFiction UK, and Michael's manager Andy Stephens and his book agency. "George has promised HarperCollins a no-holds-barred biography, and it's certain to be just that," Stephens said. "People aren't stupid. They're beginning to notice that the truth is more interesting than the stories the press come up with!"

There's no doubt whatsoever that George Michael's autobiography will top the bestseller list – specifically the Nurses And Hairdressers bestseller list – as people rush out eager to discover George's dark secrets, like how often he fumbles with men he's never met in hedges, what he thinks about being worshipped by that Terrahawk woman from EastEnders or what the hell "guilty feet have got no rhythm" is actually supposed to sodding mean.

At the moment, it's thought that George Michael is trying to work out a structure for his autobiography – for instance, he doesn't know if he should bundle all the 'falling asleep' stories together and all the 'masturbation' stories together, or if a sleep/ wank/ sleep/ wank pattern would be more effective. 

We guess we'll find out when Sleep/Wank: The Memoirs Of That Greek Bloke From Wham! is published next year.

Read more: 

George Michael to write autobiography - Reuters 

Tom Cruise's lawyer is on the warpath after Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography by Andrew Morton was published, a book that makes all sorts of wild claims about Tom Cruise's Scientology beliefs while alluding to claims that Tom Cruise's daughter Suri was sired with dead Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's sperm.

Plainly ridiculous, we know. Everyone knows that Tom Cruise has dried Hubbard's sperm out and uses it as a creepy pesto seasoning.

Although there's so much to mock Tom Cruise for – his tiny height, his weird sincerity, his constant whooping, Lions For Lambs – people return again and again to Scientology as a stick to beat him with and, since his only defenders are Will Smith and David Beckham, it has to be a lonely place for him to be. 

The problem with Scientology is that it's so secretive – whereby in Christianity children are taught from an early age that the world was made when an all-powerful fairy invented everything and that his hippy son embarked on a short-lived apprenticeship once, Scientologists have to earn their knowledge. And it's that sort of secrecy which has allowed Andrew Morton's recently-published book Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography to cause such a stir.

Playing on the public's long-held suspicions about Tom Cruise – that nobody could be that intensely oversincere all the time and be remotely normal – Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography features interviews with old neighbours and friends and narked-off former Scientologists to paint a picture of Tom Cruise complete with all sorts of outlandish remarks that have got Cruise's lawyer coiled like a snake.

In particular, there's a line in the Tom Cruise biography that hints at claims that Tom's daughter Suri Cruise was created using Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's dead sperm:

"Some sect members believed that Katie Holmes was carrying the baby who would be the vessel for L. Ron Hubbard's spirit when he returned around the galaxy."

And that, along with claims that Tom Cruise is the Scientologist second in command, has caused Cruise's lawyer Bert Fields to speak out. He said:

"His book is a rehash of tired old lies about Tom and his religion, some new grotesque lies, like the sick comparison of his child to 'Rosemary's Baby' and the nutty assertion that he's the No 2 head of the Church of Scientology. He (Morton) has made a number of claims that are false and demonstrably so. Clearly the book is actionable, but I'm not commenting on anything to do with legal issues."

Of course, we're almost completely certain that Tom Cruise didn't stuff Katie Holmes full of L Ron Hubbard's sperm. Just look at Suri Cruise – she looks so much like Tom Cruise that we keep half expecting her to leap around on a sofa whooping like an air raid siren any minute now.

Plus, Suri Cruise can't be made of L Ron Hubbard's sperm, because as far as we know we're the only ones who own a canister of it. Where else did you think we got that idea for pesto seasoning idea from? Seriously, you haven't lived until you've tried our sour cream, pesto and dead old man's dried-up jizz dip, you really haven't.

Read more:

Cruise biography branded 'sick' – ITN