Autobiography - HecklerSpray

Courtney Love To Pen Understated, Kind, Honest Autobiography

September 30th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Ah, Courtney Love. What would we do without you. When things get a little too much for us to bear, we just take one look at your increasingly peculiar face and think to ourselves: ‘At least things aren’t as bad as that.’

The Former Mrs Cobain has, for some reason, taken it upon herself to become the Grunge Joan Rivers, despite the fact that precisely no-one actually asked for it.

And now, humble Courtney is getting out her crayons and starting work on her autobiography which will be a gentle, thoughtful read, sensitively looking back on her life with a suicidal husband who took loads of bad drugs, as well as her fondness for jacking up on bad shit while having sex with a variety of rock singers.

Julian Assange’s Penis Is Of No Interest To Anyone

September 29th, 2011 By Kris Silver

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange probably knows all of your deepest and darkest secrets, but it seems like no one wants to know any of his as his new unauthorised autobiography has failed to set the literary world alight.

Since being released last week “Julian Assange: The Unauthorarised Autobiography,” hasn’t managed to shift more than 1,000 copies.

Assange will undoubtedly blame the poor sales on some bizarre CIA conspiracy plot, instead of accepting the fact that no one really cares about him or his allegedly criminal penis.

Kate Moss Gets The Crayons Out To Start Writing Tedious Autobiography

July 28th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Models are, if we’re being honest, the most crashingly wearisome humans on Earth. They’re hired to be transparent when wearing clothes (why would a designer hire a human who actively distracts you from their clothes, huh?) and work so much that their lives are a series of non-events.

The only time anyone gets truly interested in a model is when they start talking about the terrible regimes they endure to stay so sickeningly thin. Laxatives, cigarettes and bulimia doesn’t make for a glamorous proposition.

And so, Kate Moss has started work on her first autobiography, which will hopefully be mostly focusing on what a monster Naomi Campbell seems to be.

Patrick Swayze Decides To Write His Entire Life Story

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Plenty of people have profited from Patrick Swayze’s cancer – and, yes novelty ‘NOBODY PUTS PANCREATIC CANCER IN A CORNER’ T-shirt vendors, we’re looking at you.

So why not Patrick Swayze himself? It’s been reported that Patrick Swayze will pen a memoir with the help of his wife Lisa. The book will span Swayze’s entire life – which means, unless things take a turn for the better soon, it’s going to have an incredibly depressing ending.

Because, Jesus, The Beast? Have you actually seen that thing? Talk about a terrible way to end an autobiography. Way to bum us all out, Patrick.

Britney Spears To Autobiographically Stretch Her Life Over 3 – 5 Thin Books

March 25th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

What we like most about the new administration doesn’t have to do with change, but that our 20-year-old petition for a Lando Calrissian Star Wars spin-off may finally get some White House backing.

Seriously, our script has been yellowing in our closet. Lucas doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it – he must be racist. Why else would he refuse our package at the door? Over 100 times?

Speaking of overly long hand-crafted literature that nobody except George Lucas should have to read – Britney Spears has just agreed to write her autobiography. Sorry, up to five autobiographies.

Smell Like Leona Lewis As You Read About Leona Lewis And Sing Along To Leona Lewis

March 24th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

Alongside predicting the lottery numbers and what's in the secret sauce from our local burger van, we do sometimes incorrectly guess things at hecklerspray.

One such prediction made by us would be when the plug would be pulled on X Factor winner Leona Lewis.

We assumed that after 18 months she'd call Kofi Annan a tit, lose all credibility and end up with a job in Runcorn. But apparently not – Brand Leona is still steadily growing. You've sung along to a soppy ballad and danced awkwardly to one of her routines, now prepare your nostrils for the Leona Lewis perfume and ghostwritten Leona Lewis book.

Jade Goody Continues To List Everything Terrible About Herself

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It must be bittersweet to be Jade Goody at the moment – true, she’s been diagnosed with cervical cancer, but at least she’s back on magazine covers again.

And that seems to have triggered something weird in Jade Goody’s brain. Since getting cancer has made her famous and liked again, Jade has taken it on herself to keep the momentum going by recounting awful periods of her life to various publications while photographers take pictures of her crying.

Following yesterday’s revelation that she once smoked crack in front of her mother, Jade Goody has now revealed that she was once kidnapped by a fake taxi driver. God knows what Jade will admit to tomorrow – maybe she once got sexually abused by some cattle or bought a pair of shoes made of tumours or something – but at least we know that this isn’t the most depressing Jade Goody news that we could hear. No, that’d be that they’re letting her back on the telly.

15-Year-Old Miley Cyrus To Write Her Bra-Heavy Memoirs

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Miley Cyrus has conquered every medium she’s tried; TV, film, music, reputation-sullying internet underwear photos – she’s queen of them all.

But what about the world of autobiographies? Why, no. Of course not. Miley Cyrus is only 15 years old. For Miley Cyrus to write an autobiography at such a young age would be to insult the intelligence of her fans in just about the most unforgivable way possible. That’s something we can all agree on.

Well, all of us except Miley Cyrus and the Disney Book Group, because it’s been announced that the Miley Cyrus memoirs are coming out soon. We’re especially looking forward to the chapter about how, by the age of 12, Miley Cyrus had more money than all of us would ever earn from a lifetime of backbreaking physical labour combined. Fun!

George Michael To Write What He Can Remember About His Life

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Want to know exactly what was going through George Michael's mind when he waggled his todger at a policeman in a public Los Angeles toilet?

Oh, come on, yes you do. You do. Just like you want to know how George Michael felt when he called up Richard and Judy to defend getting caught wanking off a stranger in a bush.

And soon you'll know, because George Michael has just announced that he's to write his autobiography, and it'll include every single important event from his life apart from all the bits that he forgot because he fell asleep in the middle of them.

Tom Cruise Unhappy With ‘Tom Cruise Is A Weirdo’ Book

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Tell any man that his daughter was created with the sperm of a dead religious leader and they'll probably get angry – look at Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise's lawyer is on the warpath after Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography by Andrew Morton was published, a book that makes all sorts of wild claims about Tom Cruise's Scientology beliefs while alluding to claims that Tom Cruise's daughter Suri was sired with dead Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's sperm.

Plainly ridiculous, we know. Everyone knows that Tom Cruise has dried Hubbard's sperm out and uses it as a creepy pesto seasoning.