Articles tagged with: Autobiography
Plenty of people have profited from Patrick Swayze's cancer - and, yes novelty 'NOBODY PUTS PANCREATIC CANCER IN A CORNER' T-shirt vendors, we're looking at you. So why not Patrick Swayze himself? It's been reported that Patrick Swayze will pen a memoir with the help of his wife Lisa. The book will span Swayze's entire life - which means, unless things take a turn for the better soon, it's going to have an incredibly depressing ending. Because, Jesus, The Beast? Have you actually seen that thing? Talk about a terrible way to end an autobiography. Way to bum us all out, Patrick.
What we like most about the new administration doesn't have to do with change, but that our 20-year-old petition for a Lando Calrissian Star Wars spin-off may finally get some White House backing. Seriously, our script has been yellowing in our closet. Lucas doesn't know a good thing when he sees it - he must be racist. Why else would he refuse our package at the door? Over 100 times? Speaking of overly long hand-crafted literature that nobody except George Lucas should have to read - Britney Spears has just agreed to write her autobiography. Sorry, up to five autobiographies.
Alongside predicting the lottery numbers and what’s in the secret sauce from our local burger van, we do sometimes incorrectly guess things at hecklerspray. One such prediction made by us would be when the plug would be pulled on X Factor winner Leona Lewis. We assumed that after 18 months she’d call Kofi Annan a tit, lose all credibility and end up with a job in Runcorn. But apparently not - Brand Leona is still steadily growing. You’ve sung along to a soppy ballad and danced awkwardly to one of her routines, now prepare your nostrils for the Leona Lewis perfume and ghostwritten Leona Lewis book.
It must be bittersweet to be Jade Goody at the moment - true, she's been diagnosed with cervical cancer, but at least she's back on magazine covers again. And that seems to have triggered something weird in Jade Goody's brain. Since getting cancer has made her famous and liked again, Jade has taken it on herself to keep the momentum going by recounting awful periods of her life to various publications while photographers take pictures of her crying. Following yesterday's revelation that she once smoked crack in front of her mother, Jade Goody has now revealed that she was once kidnapped by a fake taxi driver. God knows what Jade will admit to tomorrow - maybe she once got sexually abused by some cattle or bought a pair of shoes made of tumours or something - but at least we know that this isn't the most depressing Jade Goody news that we could hear. No, that'd be that they're letting her back on the telly.
Miley Cyrus has conquered every medium she's tried; TV, film, music, reputation-sullying internet underwear photos - she's queen of them all. But what about the world of autobiographies? Why, no. Of course not. Miley Cyrus is only 15 years old. For Miley Cyrus to write an autobiography at such a young age would be to insult the intelligence of her fans in just about the most unforgivable way possible. That's something we can all agree on. Well, all of us except Miley Cyrus and the Disney Book Group, because it's been announced that the Miley Cyrus memoirs are coming out soon. We're especially looking forward to the chapter about how, by the age of 12, Miley Cyrus had more money than all of us would ever earn from a lifetime of backbreaking physical labour combined. Fun!
Want to know exactly what was going through George Michael's mind when he waggled his todger at a policeman in a public Los Angeles toilet?
Oh, come on, yes you do. You do. Just like you want to know how George Michael felt when he called up Richard and Judy to defend getting caught wanking off a stranger in a bush.
And soon you'll know, because George Michael has just announced that he's to write his autobiography, and it'll include every single important event from his life apart from all the bits that he forgot because he fell asleep in the middle of them.
Tell any man that his daughter was created with the sperm of a dead religious leader and they'll probably get angry - look at Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise's lawyer is on the warpath after Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography by Andrew Morton was published, a book that makes all sorts of wild claims about Tom Cruise's Scientology beliefs while alluding to claims that Tom Cruise's daughter Suri was sired with dead Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's sperm.
Plainly ridiculous, we know. Everyone knows that Tom Cruise has dried Hubbard's sperm out and uses it as a creepy pesto seasoning.
