And by that we mean that Austin Healey was eliminated from the show last night. And, obviously, when we say that Austin Healey was a Strictly Come Dancing front-runner, we mean that he’s clearly completely in love with himself, the puffed-up little rugby twerp.

So, Austin Healey is out of Strictly Come Dancing, but why? Well, here’s his recap…

Austin Healey – A few weeks ago it looked as if Austin Healey was going to win Strictly Come Dancing hands down. Not any more, though – not only had his stupid little Napoleon strut been replaced by a constant off-putting look of try-hard desperation, but the Strictly Come Dancing judges didn’t like the fact that his muscles prevented him from holding his hands above his head properly. Not only did that make him a dancer of limited ability, but it’d also make him crap in a hostage situation, and that’d never do. So, on Saturday, Austin Healey needed to pull something special out of the bag to keep him in the running. Did he?

In a word, no. Austin’s first Strictly Come Dancing routine was an American Smooth to, ironically, The Best Is Yet To Come which should have been spectacular – he was easily strong enough to carry off the lifts and his partner had even dressed up as an exploded parrot especially – but it just seemed a little drab. The judges told Austin that it wasn’t ‘Hollywood’ enough, which we’re taking to mean that Austin didn’t Botox his face into an immobile frightmask and there wasn’t a 20-minute Scientology pamphleting interlude. Austin’s second dance was a Salsa where, aside from his partner trying so hard to draw attention to her boobs that she may as well have magic markered a dirty great arrow pointing to them on her chin, Austin Healey mainly dry-retched a lot. The two may not be unconnected. Anyway, bye. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 70

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon.

Back? Good. We’re so excited about Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, because the standard of competition is now so high. Honestly, if we didn’t know that Lisa Snowdon will get voted off on Sunday, the tension would be killing us.

But until then, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Austin Healey…

Austin Healey – Now, look, Austin Healey has been slipping down the Strictly Come Dancing leaderboard for a couple of weeks, so he obviously needed something really special to pull out of the bag on Saturday’s show to help him claw his way back to the top again. Could it be his Foxtrot to L-O-V-E? Well, it ditched all the ridiculous shimmery tittedness of his performance last week in favour of something less try-hard, something more subtle and nuanced and, yes, classy. But that wasn’t it.

No, Austin was storing up his energy for his second Strictly Come Dancing performance – a Paso Doble to Espana Cani that was perhaps the single most ridiculous thing we’ve ever witnessed in our entire lives. Rather than dance, Austin Healey undid his shirt, bellowed “OLE!” every two or three seconds and stomped around like a slightly xenophobic cartoon bull. He didn’t even dance during the routine – he just jumped around angrily shouting “HA!” in pretty much the same way that you would if you trod on some Lego barefoot first thing in the morning. It was powerful, yes, but it was also unbelievably stupid and so gay that you could ice a cake with it. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 74

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers.

This Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing is going to be one of the hardest-fought yet, and we can’t wait. Mainly it’s because Lisa Snowdon will probably get voted into the dance-off again and she’ll cry, and we get off on watching broken women. Seriously. We do. We’re not joking. We actually do.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Rachel Stevens and Austin Healey…

Rachel Stevens – After getting the highest Strictly Come Dancing score of the series last week, a brand new Rachel Stevens was unveiled – one who doesn’t cry all the sodding time and hardly wears any clothes because she knows that tits have a greater say than ability. However, on Saturday Rachel Stevens performed a Foxtrot to Close To You, which made it very hard for Rachel to wear the smallest scrap of spandex imaginable and wriggle around like a stripper with internal parasites. So Rachel had to fall back on Plan B, which involved actual dancing.

Ignoring the weird part of her training where all her female friends visited her in training dressed in unitards and tutus and seemed to communicate exclusively with one another in dolphinsong, Rachel’s routine was actually very good. At least we’re told it was – the Strictly Come Dancing judges basically creamed themselves silly over it, saying “I’m afraid… close to perfect, strictly, something special!” – but we found that during the performance we ended up sort of drifting off and examining our socks in a  hitherto unknown level of detail. Still, it looks like Rachel Stevens has become the one to beat. Which is funny, because Jo O’Meara was always the one from S Club 7 that we wanted to beat. Strictly Come Dancing score – 40

Austin Healey – Now that Rachel Stevens is starting to inch ahead of Austin Healey in the Strictly Come Dancing leaderboard, Austin’s decided to pull out all the stops to win the public over. And while that’s something that John Sergeant did with natural grace and charm, Austin’s decided to do it with overwhelming gayness. Not only did Austin dance the Cha Cha Cha – the gayest dance of all, remember – on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, but he decided to dance it to It’s Raining Men.

Could Austin get any gayer? Why yes he could – his outfit was a modified version of the infamous Mark Foster rapey teabag from a few weeks back. However, it doesn’t matter how gay the peripheries of the dance was – Austin Healey managed to blow it by acting like a stereotypical heterosexual man in the performance itself. Admittedly it was the sort of heterosexual man who’s a bit in love with himself and tends to pin girls to walls against their will in nightclubs at 2am, but it still counts. The Strictly Come Dancing judges chose to overlook this gruesome unpleasantness, though, merely calling it “the cheekiest Cha Cha I have seen, Suggestive gyration, full of!”. Oh, and Austin Healey actually dislocated his finger during the dance, then popped it back in in front of the cameras. Because he’s a bloke, yeah. He might be dressed like one of Wayne Rooney’s whore’s thighs, but he’s definitely not a bender. Understand? Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Next week. More of this nonsense, really.

Watching John Sergeant get through to next week’s Strictly Come Dancing yet again was an absolute joy. Not because we particularly enjoy watching John Sergeant dance, nor because we like deliberately ruining the credibility of reality TV shows, but because watching Bruce Forsyth dodder around murmuring “We have a situation” like an anxious string puppet afterwards was perhaps the greatest thing we’ve ever seen.

Anyway, here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley and Austin Healey…

Christine Bleakley – Over the last few weeks on Strictly Come Dancing, Christine Bleakley has been restoring some of her early promise, and now we know why – it’s because all of Northern Ireland is behind her. Literally all of it. History will remember this well – terrorism, armed occupation and endless political negotiation couldn’t unite the country, but a lanky girl twatting around in a sparkly dress can. But before we suggest that airdropping Alesha Dixon into Palestine to put an end to the problems in the Middle East, we should probably mention Christine’s Strictly Come Dancing waltz to See The Day. It was drab. Drab and featureless. Drab and featureless and, um, the Strictly Come Dancing judges really enjoyed it, calling it “A big song, a big dance and without a doubt your best yet.” Although we should point out that this was because so little happened in the routine that she had less to screw up. But, hey, you know the pattern – a good Christine Bleakley performance one week equals three weeks of cocky and complacent routines coming up. So look forward to those. Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Austin Healey – After wrecking his Rumba last week, Austin Healey had a twofold plan to stride back to Strictly Come Dancing victory on Saturday. Firstly he chose to dance a Tango to Libertango, which allowed him to glower at his partner with simmering hatred instead of the gloopy romance of the previous week. Secondly Austin Healey decided to grow a little goatee for the dance, which made him look identical to Toadfish from Neighbours. We’re not really sure what the relevance of that was, to be honest with you, but he did. And, leaving aside the confusing training session at a primary school – which almost doubled up as a special class about mummy-daddy domestic violence – the routine was actually very polished. One of the Strictly Come Dancing judges called it “Aggressive, passionate, driven. You told the story, you looked like you were in absolute complete control.” That’s right – Austin told the story, and that story just happened to be a tale about a cocky little sod with a bit of a Napoleon complex. We can’t think how he got into that particular role. Strictly Come Dancing score – 38

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens.

On reflection, Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing was perhaps our favourite of the series so far, because it marked the point where the Strictly Come Dancing judges started to get really narked off with the viewers for not eliminating John Sergeant. Why, if we were so inclined we’d say that everyone should keep John in next week too, just to see which judge does a dirty protest in their knickers first.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi…

Austin Healey – Brace yourselves everyone, this is big – on Saturday Austin Healey gave a Strictly Come Dancing performance that was a little bit crap. This, you see, was because Austin was dancing a Rumba to When You Tell Me That You Love Me, and all his overcompensatory masculinity stood in the way of the romanticism needed for a great Rumba. The routine was in trouble right from the first day of training, when Austin tried to pull a sexy face and ended up hitting ‘creepy’, ’stroke victim’ and ‘Steptoe’ instead. And, in the performance itself – despite his partner literally undressing him – the sexiest thing that Austin Healey could muster was an unusual interest in hair-sniffing. It was awkward to watch – like the bit out of Back To The Future where Michael J Fox has to kiss his own mum – and the Strictly Come Dancing judges didn’t hold back in their criticism of him. “My feeling is you weren’t comfortable doing this dance, and it was uncomfortable to watch. The elements you mastered, but it lacked warmth,” they said. But, hey, it’s not all bad – by being rubbish, at least Austin Healey has given us something to say about him for the first time in a month. Strictly Come Dancing score – 29

Cherie Lunghi – After two solid weeks of impersonating a doddery old lady after an afternoon on the gin, Cherie Lunghi was allowed back into her comfort zone on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing by dancing a waltz. And, judging by her supreme cockiness in training, she knew it too. So how was Cherie Lunghi’s dance? Well, the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to like it, telling her “For me the English rose is back in full bloom, your grace and elegance, but get that confidence in the latin dances.” Sadly we don’t have an opinion on Cherie Lunghi’s waltz because it was set to I Wonder Why by Curtis Stigers, and so naturally we spent the entirety of the routine punching ourselves in the face with a plastic bag taped over our head in a bath of boiling water. Seriously. Curtis Titting Stigers. Gah. Strictly Come Dancing score – 36

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens.

And yesterday he went. Despite an injury, Andrew Castle unsuccessfully decided to draw attention away from his dicky knee by waggling his shoulders around like an electrocution victim and sort of thrusting his arms about like he was trying to fight off an army of invisible rapists. Not even Andrew Castle’s dance partner rubbing her fanny up and down his bad knee could save him, and that’s really saying something.

So, with Andrew Castle gone, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s the first part of our Strictly Come Dancing recaps this week, for Austin Healey and Heather Small…

Austin Healey – On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Austin Healey got to dance a Quickstep to S’wonderful - a dance that was said to be perfect for him because it’s fun and energetic just like him. That wasn’t a completely accurate statement – Austin’s perfect dance would need to be fun and energetic and smug and a bit mouthy – but it was close enough. And the routine itself was just what you’d expect from an Austin Healey performance, in that it was nimble and springy and competent and everyone loved it. That includes the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who called it “as exciting as Lewis Hamilton in the Formula 1″. We think that means it was fast, but so mercilessly professional that it ended up being boring. If that’s the case it was a perfect fit. Strictly Come Dancing score – 36

Heather Small – For the fist time in what feels like Strictly Come Dancing history, Heather Small avoided the dance-off last week and, with thumping inevitability, it turned her into a cocky little sod during training. Nevertheless, the message was clear – Heather Small is really quite decent at slow ballroom dances. So, on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Heather naturally had a pop at a fast Cha Cha Cha to American Boy. We’re no experts on the Cha Cha Cha, but we’re pretty sure it’s not supposed to be as porny as Heather’s routine was – all full of snarling and collar-grabs and air lassos and pelvic thrusting – nor as wonky and out of time. The Strictly Come Dancing judges said that it was “sluggish and behind the beat – a damp squib rather than taking off like a rocket.” But we’re grateful that Heather Small managed to get through to next week – the longer she stays in, the more likely it is that she’ll have full sex with her partner on live TV. Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon.

Now that Mark’s no longer part of Strictly Come Dancing, who else is going to take their top off without any prompting? Nobody, that’s who. And believe us, we’ve tried to convince the other Strictly Come Dancing contestants to do it, but they won’t. Well, not all of them. John Sergeant. John Sergeant won’t take his top off for us.

Anyway, here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley, Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi…

Christine Bleakley – Christine Bleakley can be mainly characterised by two quirks – her sunny personality and the almost-transvestitey way in which she applies make-up. For her Strictly Come Dancing Paso Doble to Fighter on Saturday, the first one was going to the main problem – the Paso Doble is a mean, aggressive dance and Christine is roughly as mean and aggressive as a kitten in a pair of bunny ears. That came across during her dance because, even though she adopted a brand new persona for the routine, it appeared to be the persona of peeved-looking vapid cadaver who couldn’t dance particularly well. The Strictly Come Dancing judges picked up on this too, saying “it looked more like a domestic with you as Madonna and a bored looking Guy Ritchie.” Which seemed a little unfair to us, because Christine Bleakley is nothing like Madonna – her arms are normal for a start, and she doesn’t seem like she has a weird preoccupation with her own vagina. She might, but it doesn’t seem like she has. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Austin Healey – The worst thing about writing these recaps is when someone’s actually good. There are only so many ways to say that someone came out, did a more or less professional job and got an incredibly high mark for it. That’s the predicament we find ourselves in with Austin Healey, who pretty much aces Strictly Come Dancing every time he tries a new dance. Case in point – his Viennese Waltz to Send In The Clowns that was graceful and poignant and infuriatingly not rubbish at all. Even the Strictly Come Dancing judges went overboard with it, saying “I loved it. Ooooh, gorgeous!” Yes, there were four ‘o’s in that ooooh. That’s how gorgeous it was. But, look, this is all well and good, but can’t Austin fall on his arse this Saturday? Just once? Just for us? Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Cherie Lunghi - Watching Strictly Come Dancing, it’s sometimes easy to forget that Cherie Lunghi will be old enough to retire in the next few years. Thanks to her grace, elegance and willingness to show the world what her undercrackers look like, Cherie often seems like a much younger woman. So thank heavens above when, during her Strictly Come Dancing Paso Doble to Amparito, Cherie Lunghi finally decided to act like a woman her age. Specifically, a woman her age who just tried to jump off a moving bus – right at the start of her routine Cherie staggered around to the extent that she almost ended up falling on her arse. As a result, the rest of her performance was shaky and unconvincing and the Strictly Come Dancing judges pulled her to pieces for it, saying “I just wish you could do all that again with fire in your belly. You just lost your courage this week.” And then they gave her one of the highest scores of the night, the weirdos. Strictly Come Dancing score – 31

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Heather Small and Tom Chambers.

Brilliant, we’ve always enjoyed thinking of Strictly Come Dancing as a Grand Prix – overlong, boring, probably quite expensive and with a rich old man controlling everything. And terrible for the environment. And it monopolises our Sundays, usually against our wishes. Perfect. Gold star for Little Foreign Judge.

But who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s part two of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Cherie Lunghi, Mark Foster and Austin Healey…

Cherie Lunghi – On last week’s Strictly Come Dancing, Cherie Lunghi managed to give the world a new favourite milf with a routine that got the highest score of the night. Unless she could actually make Len Goodman ejaculate in his pants this week, it was bound to be a bit of a letdown. Was it? Well, her training clip showed not even a ripple of trouble, plus she’d decided to inexplicably dressed as a wild west hooker, so that was all good. But dancing an American Smooth to Layla was a particularly bad choice – it was all plod instead of pizazz and we drifted off towards the end. Cherie should be given a small amount of credit for the way she was flipped upside down at the end and didn’t dislocate her hip, but she lost all that credit and more for not showing off her knickers like she did the week before. That said, the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved it, saying “You deliver on every level.” Which is true, apart from the knicker-flashing level. Sort that out for next week, Cherie. Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Mark Foster – Previously on Strictly Come Dancing, Mark Foster was told that he needed acting lessons, so before Saturday’s show he decided to put that right. Sadly he decided to put that right by hiring John Barrowman as an acting coach, therefore propelling the gayness of his Samba to Spice Up Your Life to stratospheric levels. It was all out of time, clumsy, Frankensteiny and seemingly made up on the spot, but we barely noticed any of that, because Mark Foster had dressed himself in a mesh top that either made him look like a rape ninja or the world’s gayest teabag, depending on how polite you want to be. The routine was staggeringly bad, like the monkey trying to shake off his chains at the end of King Kong, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges could barely make out the words to tell him how dreadful he was, saying “the performance was vital, but you forgot to dance at the same time.” But we have to thank the British public sincerely, because despite being awful, Mark didn’t have to take part in the dance-off. That meant we wouldn’t have to watch him wiggle about in his horrible top again. Urgh. Strictly Come Dancing score – 17

Austin Healey – We can all agree that Austin Healey is basically the Strictly Come Dancing equivalent of the boy at school who everyone hated because he was a cocky little tryhard who probably lived in a house with a bloody swimming pool, the jumped-up turd. It’s not an exaggeration to say that everyone has been waiting for Austin Healey to be taken down a peg or two, and that’s what happened on Saturday. Austin’s Samba to Everybody Move Your Feet wasn’t really up to the high standard set by his previous dances – it was featureless, a bit drab and kind of like how you’d expect your teachers to dance at the school disco. The Strictly Come Dancing judges thought this was down to a blown step near the beginning – “You knew you had made some slight mistake, and it stopped you” – but we’re putting his comparative failure down to collective willpower. Good work, team. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Andrew Castle, Christine Bleakley and Jodie Kidd.

After a week spent bickering with his Strictly Come Dancing partner, Gary Rhodes was full of attack for Saturday’s jive to Lipstick Powder And Paint. And, to be fair, it was better than his first routine. Although, having said that, he could have pooed down his leg while screaming white supremacist slogans and it would still be better than his first routine.

Still, with Gary Rhodes gone, who’s going to win the show? Here’s the first installment of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Austin Healey and Mark Foster…

Austin Healey – Having had his opening routine described by the Strictly Come Dancing judges as the best first dance ever, Austin Healey decided to try and meet the pressure head-on this week with a Jive to You Can’t Stop The Beat. And, like a true champ, he hard an arsenal of weapons at his disposal. The odd pixie high five. The bizarre kung-fu kicks that came without warning as if he was some sort of demented Can-Can dancer with Tourette’s. And, perhaps best of all, the thundering man-cleavage he’d decided to give himself. Honestly, it would have been quicker and more dignified if Austin Healey had just gone to a doctor to have his bollocks snipped off. Incredibly, however, the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved Austin’s routine, telling him: “You have set the standard for Strictly series six.” However, having seen Austin’s man-cleavage, he shouldn’t have too much to worry about – as soon as he gets voted off Strictly Come Dancing he’ll probably have quite a lucrative career standing around in his bra for the lad’s mags. Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Mark Foster – There’s a chance that Mark Foster got Strictly Come Dancing mixed up with X Factor on Saturday, because he decided to make his training montage all about how cripplingly shy he is. Which, you know, might be halfway believable if he didn’t make his living from flapping about in his pants all day. Anyway, Mark Foster’s Strictly Come Dancing Tango to Tanguera was a bit of a confusing one – he misheard the instruction ‘look fierce and dominant’ as ‘clomp around like a terrifying serial-killing rapist version of Frankenstein’s Monster who’s doing his best to hold in a shit.’ As expected, the Strictly Come Dancing judges weren’t crazy about it, telling Mark that “You do have the ability to dance, but get this man to an acting coach!” Which is a fair point – as soon as his athletics career is over, Mark Foster could use the training if he wants to be in with a chance of scoring the lead in the upcoming West End musical adaptation of Bigfoot & The Hendersons. Strictly Come Dancing score – 24

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Andrew Castle.