Hey, everyone, Dancing With The Stars is back! No, wait, don’t leave, that’s good news. No, really, it is.

The show has something for everyone. If you like dancing, there’s dancing. If you like bizarre costumes that tend to make people you used to admire look like a cross between a low-budget prostitute and a cartoon of a little Dutch girl, then there’s that. And if you like stars, then… well, actually this is where Dancing With The Stars usually falls down. The contestants are often so painfully obscure that if you’ve even heard of four of them it feels like an enormous moral triumph.

But this year Dancing With The Stars has pulled out all the stops and hired celebrities who you will have definitely heard of. They’re all genuinely awful human beings, but at least you’ll know who they are. And that’s something, right? Full Dancing With The Stars line-up after the jump…

Bristol Palin – Daughter of Sarah Palin and mother of that kid she had when she was supposed to be promoting abstinence all over the place. Can Bristol juggle her gruelling dance training with the demands of caring for her dribbling, wailing, attention-seeking dependent? By which we obviously mean Sarah Palin. Ha ha ha. Satire.

David Hasselhoff – The world’s best-loved alcoholic. Forget winning or losing, everyone really wants to know how long it’ll be before Hasselhoff turns up to the recording drunk, makes a hopeless fool out of himself, tries to paper over the mess he’s made of everything by forlornly calling himself ‘The Hoff’ a lot and then bursts into tears. Our guess? Two weeks.

The Situation – From Jersey Shore, that show you’ve never watched but pretend that you do because you’re the editor of a celebrity website and you’re supposed to be into crap like this.

Brandy – Like David Hasselhoff, Brandy used to be a judge on America’s Got Talent. We know what you’re thinking. We’re also glad that Piers Morgan isn’t here.

Michael Bolton – MICHAEL FUCKING BOLTON. That is all.

Jennifer Grey – The one from Dirty Dancing who isn’t dead. Also, the one from Dirty Dancing who you probably assumed was dead.

Audrina Partridge – The woman from The Hills. No, not that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. The other one. No, not that one. The one next to her. Her.

Florence Anderson – This year’s token Hilarious Pensioner, a role that Dancing With The Stars is determined to maintain until someone falls over and shatters their hip.

Kurt Warner – This year’s Retired American Footballer Who Will Definitely Finish Dancing With The Stars In Third Place Because They All Do So What’s The Sodding Point Of Him Even Turning Up?

Rick Fox – We don’t know who this is, but he’s almost definitely not a real fox. A disappointment.

Margaret Cho – A comedian who, according to Wikipedia, cites Bill Hicks as an influence. Sadly Bill Hicks didn’t live long enough to ever appear on Dancing With The Stars, a fact that causes great pain to his loyal fanbase.

Kyle Massey – Kyle Massey was born in 1991. With that in mind, we hate him.

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Audrina Partridge loves animals – her surname is a type of animal, plus she stars in The Hills and some animals live on hills.

But Audrina Partidge does love animals. And, as a reality television star, Audrina Partridge is also the sort of person who’d probably massacre her family if it meant she’d get a headline from it. So combine the love of animals and the compulsive attention-seeking and what do you get? That’s right – a new PETA campaign where Audrina Partridge gets to strip.

Not strip naked, mind you. In that respect, Audrina Partridge thinks that animals can piss off.

Think PETA and what comes to mind? No, not the sight of Mickey Rourke ordering you to tear the gonads off your household pets with your bare fists, because that’s weird. No, what comes to mind is the slogan ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’.

It’s been a fairly successful slogan – as well as allowing us to see what several on-the-wane female celebrities look like nude, it’s also the only way you can see Kardashian flesh without possessing a subscription to an adult website or an incredibly unresponsive gag reflex. But it’s time that the slogan got retired. Because ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’ is good, but ‘I’d rather wear my pants and a bra and an impractically large set of feathered wings than do something nonspecific about petshops or something’ is great.

And that’s why Audrina Partridge from The Hills can now be seen on a PETA poster holding a dog while dressed like the sort of slutty angel who’d probably suck you off if you told her that you preferred her to Heidi Montag. We’ll let MTV explain the technicalities:

The Peta ad is urging people to adopt animals rather than buy them. Audrina said: “I wanted to get involved with PETA because I’ve always been passionate about animals, and I think this is a great way to make people and all my fans aware of all the animals that need a home.” She added: “you should adopt, so go to an animal shelter and rescue a dog.”

It does sort of make sense, we’ll admit. But ultimately the PETA campaign is flawed, and here’s why – although being told to rescue rather than buy a dog is good advice, being told to rescue rather than buy a dog by one of the stars of The Hills is terrible advice. Everyone knows that the best way to get through life is by doing the exact opposite to what anyone from The Hills does. So, with that in mind, we’ve just bought 15 dogs from an online petshop. Don’t worry, we gave them a false address. We hate animals.

What’s the moral of all this? God knows, but we suspect it’s something like ‘Audrina Partridge won’t get naked for the sake of animal cruelty, but she will get naked for a handful of grubby coins and an insincere promise of fame from a sleazy photographer’. Or whatever.

Incidentally, anyone worried that all the feathers on Audrina Partridge’s massive set of angel wings sits awkwardly with PETA’s pro-animal agenda should relax. Apparently all the birds that were killed and plucked for the poster had been caught eating meat by PETA activists, and therefore had to die. Probably.

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Grief? An uneasy feeling that undesirables have been in your home? You’ve been watching The Hills, haven’t you.

Or you’ve been burgled. Basically the effects of either are identical. Just ask Audrina Partridge – she’s in The Hills and now she’s been burgled as well. Plus she has to talk to Spencer Pratt sometimes. Talk about unlucky.

But more fool the burglars, because Audrina Partridge managed to catch them on camera. This basically means that they’ll probably end up with their own MTV reality show. At least they’ve got a talent, which admittedly puts them a nose in front of Audrina.

The Oscars are supposed to be a time of happiness, socio-political grandstanding and photo-realistic fashion imagery. But try telling that to Audrina Partridge from The Hills, who returned from an Oscar party to realise that her house had been burgled.

Wait. Hang on a minute. Audrina Partridge from The Hills was at an Oscar party? That doesn’t make sense. Hopefully it was one of those Oscar parties where everyone sits around eating pizza on the floor of someone’s living room watching TV, and not one of the big, proper Oscar parties that actual celebrities go to. Because that would be ridiculous. New rule: nobody from The Hills should ever attend an Oscar party until the Academy introduces a new Best Mind-Numbingly Repetitive Reality TV Show Starring Nothing But A Pack Of Braying Titholes category.

Anyway, Audrina Partridge did attend an Oscar party and – as if she wasn’t upset enough after being pipped to the post by Heath Ledger in the Best Supporting Actor category – she returned home to discover that she’d been burgled. It’s not known what was taken in the robbery, although we suspect the theives stole some items that can never be replaced, like sentimental heirlooms, those naked pictures of her and the single original thought that has ever passed through Audrina Partridge’s otherwise completely barren mind.

Anyway, Audrina Partridge isn’t just going to give in to the burglars without a fight – her surveillance cameras picked up images of the crooks and she’s blogging her little socks off about it, too:

My house was broken into over the weekend but luckily my surveillance camera caught the burglary on tape. I spent most of the morning filling out police reports and going through the house room by room making lists of everything that had been taken. Most of the items are replaceable, but they took off with a few very sentimental things too. Definitely not a good way to start the week.

To be fair to the police, we heard that there weren’t that many reports to fill in – it’s just that one of them asked for Audrina Partridge’s occupation and she spent three hours nervously trying to work out what she actually does for a living. If you have any information of the whereabouts of Audrina Partridge’s profession, please contact the LAPD. Your call could be important.

Oh, we’re only joking. Being burgled is a horrible thing to go through, and we wish Audrina Partridge all the best. Even if we are utterly convinced that these ‘surveillance cameras’ weren’t installed to catch burglars but so that Audrina Partridge can watch her entire day back before bedtime in a desperate attempt to convince herself that she’s more popular than Heidi Montag.

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