Surely that last bit confused you – we’re talking about the various bomb configurations Top Model management always forces their contestants to run from. As we understand it, this is an excellent way to tell if they’re still photogenic while they think they’re going to die.

Take their recent bomb scare, for instance – it happened at a casting call, and let us tell you – most of those girls seemed very un-poised.

America’s Next Top Model has a very special season planned. No, no – they’re not going to give another poor contestant a super expensive sex change. That’s been done. This season they’re gonna focus on girls who aren’t freakishly tall and long in the face. This decision, giving hope to normal-heighted stupid girls all over the world,  brought scores of them to New York City for a chance to audition for a spot on the show.

One of the girls isn’t stupid though – she brought a bomb with her. And as we understand it she was going to use said bomb if her audition didn’t go just right. That’s not true at all.

There was a big bomb scare though – it sent women full throttle in the opposite direction. The Daily Express has the scoop:

“Chaos broke out when people shouted “fire” and “there’s a bomb” as a car billowing smoke pulled up alongside the contestants, according to witnesses. The panic escalated when a man leapt from a car and began grabbing the women’s handbags…. The street outside the auditions in Manhattan, New York, was left littered with chairs and sleeping bags as the screaming women fled from the area. Kiara McCarthy, caught up in the stampede, said: “The metal barricade fell down. All of a sudden we heard this roar from behind us and there’s a wave of people falling on top of us.”"

The car was just overheating – but that didn’t stop the stampede. Later, NYPD officers tried to round the women back up with sheep dogs and rope, but they were still too spooked.

Most of the billowing women eventually gathered around a pond in Central Park, probably because all that running left them dehydrated and they needed something to lap up.

Anyway – want to see the Top Model madness for yourself?

Why, of course you do:

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And, um, that’s about it. But, sadly, the Twilight sequel doesn’t require any of these talents, so Vanessa Hudgens won’t star in it any more. Vanessa Hudgens has denied rumours that she auditioned for the role of Sexy Naked Lady Werewolf 4 in Twilight 2.

Twilight fans will be thrilled – they never wanted an embarrassingly cheesy tween star like Vanessa in their movie to begin with. No, Twilight is all about embarrassingly faux-rebellious tween stars. And silly-haired pipecleaners. And that’s how it’ll stay, damnit!

We’re having serious reservations about Twilight 2, you know. Sure, we could take the fact that the director had changed, and the casting issues didn’t really bother us too much. And we only cried for about two hours when we found out about Robert Pattinson’s haircut. But this?

This is just beyond a joke. Let us explain. On Monday we told you that High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens had auditioned for Twilight 2, and we were thrilled. It would have been such a perfect fit. Both High School Musical and Twilight share a common theme – that pre-marital sex is evil.

True, that theme was more explicit in Twilight – where it was suggested that if you have sex too young a dreary vampire with hair that looks like a dog wound will kill you – but it would have been dealt with more fully in High School Musical had the writers found a good rhyme for ‘abortion clinic’ in the song Bop To The Top.

But that’s not the point. Vanessa Hudgens was going to be starring as a werewolf in the sequel to Twilight, and we were so prepared. We’d found our old Vanessa Hudgens High School Musical doll, stripped her naked like in those internet pictures, glued some of our pubes to her face to make her look a bit more werewolfy and forced her to have nine-hour makeout sessions with our Robert Pattinson Twilight doll. Those were probably the happiest moments of our lives.

But now? Now Vanessa Hudgens has taken our heart and stamped all over it. She’s denied doing any Twilight 2 auditions at all, the big witch. Showbiz Spy reports:

It was claimed earlier this week that Hudgens was gunning for the role of female werewolf Leah Clearwater in the eagerly-awaited second film in Stephenie Meyer’s vampire franchise. But a representative for Hudgens has dismissed the speculation. The spokesperson said, “I don’t know anything about the audition. As far as I know, it’s just a rumor.”

It’s hard news to swallow, we know. That girl from the films you refuse to watch because you’re not a 12-year-old girl won’t be starring in the films you refuse to watch because you’re not a 14-year-old girl. Somehow, together, we’re going to get through this.

But can you really believe what Vanessa Hudgens’ spokesperson said? After all, it was a Twilight castmember who reported Vanessa’s audition in the first place. So maybe all isn’t as it seems. Which is why we think it’s much more likely that Vanessa Hudgens did audition for Twilight 2 but was so abominably bad that she got turned down.

Either that or Vanessa Hudgens went to the Twilight audition, realised that she’d have to spend four months sucking in her cheeks, wearing a silly amount of eye make-up, staring off into the middle-distance in the mistaken belief that it made her look deep and listening to piss-awful Paramore songs on repeat until her ears started to bleed, and turned the role down.

Either way, we’re heartbroken.

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It isn’t like things on the internet, or in the news media in general are reported in a straightforward, to the point and down the line fashion now, is it? So it shouldn’t be surprising to see that a story circulating about Ali Lohan – Lindsay’s sister – has brought the internets to near meltdown.

And why? Because there’s porn involved.

You can always rely on the viral nature of the internet to make a story about a 14-year-old girl auditioning for a film produced by a former porn director one of the most popular things about. Rather unsurprisingly, it’s happened today.

What happened though? Well – exactly what it says in that sentence above. Ali Lohan, sister of hecklerspray favourite Lindsay Lohan, auditioned for a movie. She wants to be famous, you see – really famous.

As it turned out, one of the producers of this film, Peter Davy, had something of a history when it came to the films he made, with his portfolio including such hits as ‘Dreams in the Forbidden Zone’, ‘Voodoo Lust: The Possession’ and the rather-more-obviously-titled but, shockingly enough, still an adult film ‘Bun Sisters 12′.

But before the world does actually implode in the apparent knowledge that an underage girl auditioned for porn to help kickstart her career of fame and fortune, like that hasn’t ever happened before, we have to point out that the movie Ali auditioned for, ‘Troll‘, is categorically not anything to do with the adult entertainment industry.

Though it does have adults involved in its creation and it is actually entertainment, so, maybe we could go with: ‘Ali Lohan entering adult entertainment industry’ as a line. Though we don’t really want to be sued that much.

No, what Ali Lohan auditioned for was a role in a low budget potential crapothon remake of an 80s fantasy film, with a lead character called Turok. And that’s about it. It’s a story that can be summed up in one or two sentences, and one that can be resolved in less than a paragraph.

Yet because it involves:

a) The internets, and

b) The mention of porn

It becomes a whirling dervish of a story, decimating all the entertainment sites and forums it comes across, leaving nothing but confused readers in its wake. It’s testament to how downright pathetic this whole thing can be sometimes.

Either that or we’re just moaning because we’ve fallen into the trap of covering the ’story’ and feel like having something of a ‘pot kettle black’ rant.

Fortunately, we can all rest easy in the thought that Ali did indeed get the part. Unfortunately she probably won’t be taking the role, seeing as her mother, Dina Lohan, has decided she’s going to kill everyone involved in the production of it (according to TMZ, at least, ‘heads will roll’). Seriously – you make a few porn films, audition a young girl for a new movie and her mother finds out then goes mental – what has the world come to?