Articles tagged with: auction
In 2004 we were assured repeatedly that the jaw bone we were paying $700 for was from the face of the great Bob Hope. Our patience was tested once we learned it was actually the bottom half of a turkey beak, but our love and admiration for the decomposing comedian still sort of endured. Kind of. Then when we had the chance to buy his gizzard from the repentant people who’d made the original sale to us, well, we jumped on it. Now we keep said gizzard in our pocket, and squeeze it with our thumb and fingers whenever we wish for a touch of 50s-style comedian luck. You may be gone, Bob, but you’ll always be with us. In our front right pocket. And now you can have Bob Hope stuff in your pockets too – because his estate is auctioning off his entire dead body former possessions.
Scarlett Johansson is so sought-after that a man from the UK has actually paid $40,100 (about £20,000) to be able to accompany her to the premier of her upcoming movie, He’s Just Not That Into You.
He doesn’t even appear to have been guaranteed sex on any level - not even a tonguing - and yet has paid for the equivalent of 8,000 anal sexes with Manfa, who has been hanging round the corners of hecklerstreet for four years now.
When asked what kind of an evening she’d give a man who had paid £40,100, Manfa said she’d “willingly go blind in both eyes,” and if he still wanted to go see the movie, that “with a film title like that, blindness may be a blessing,” before adding “maybe I’d go deaf for it too.” But that’s Manfa, and she really is a dirty whore. Five dollars for sex? That’s two pound fifty; cheaper than a Zinger Tower.
If Michael Jackson ever lost Neverland, he'd be a broken shell of a man - or at least more broken and shelly than he is now, if that's even possible.
Luckily, though, we don't have to concern ourselves with that any more - Michael Jackson isn't going to lose Neverland any more.
Although it had been up for public auction next month, Michael Jackson has worked out a private agreement with an investment group to make sure that Neverland stays his. Bad luck everyone else - you'll just have to find another spooky dilapidated old ranch complete with its own nightmarish arrested-adolescent fairground and hard-to-remove, albeit legally-nonexistent, child abuse connotations to spend your money on.
You there! Need a creepy set for your latest horror movie? Don't cry when you walk around abandoned zoos? Quite a lot richer than you have any reason to be?
Well we have just the property for you! Unless Michael Jackson ponies up $24 million in the next couple of weeks, his long cherished Neverland ranch will be going up for public auction.
That's right - there's nothing stopping you buying Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch. Apart from, you know, your chronic lack of money and that legally-disproved sensation you have in the pit of your stomach that a teenage cancer victim might have been wanked off there a lot.
Madonna love Malawi, this much we know. Madonna loves Malawi like she loves horrific leotards and getting her arm muscles all veiny.
And that's why Madonna recently invited every single famous person alive to the United Nations to help raise money to save Malawi.
A noble gesture, sure, but not especially long-sighted - because now that Madonna's helping to get Malawi richer, she's effectively reducing the number of penniless illiterate Malawian widowers who she can confuse into letting her adopt their children in the future. Silly Madonna.
Lennon and McCartney stopped writing together because Paul McCartney developed a fixation on John Lennon's hair that freaked John out - it's thought that She's Leaving Home was first called I Want To Stroke John Lennon's Lovely Hair.
And he wasn't the only one with a slightly unnatural obsession for John Lennon's hair - because this week an auction sold John Lennon's hair for $48,000. Not all of John Lennon's hair, you understand - that would be creepy - but just a lock of John Lennon's hair. A lock of John Lennon's hair in a bag that you can occasionally open and sniff, pretending that you and John Lennon are such close friends that he can put his hair in a bag and let you smell it. And that's what the mystery hair-buyer will probably do - either that or blast it into the sun, thereby creating an evil nuclear-powered John Lennon to brutally enslave the world with, like in Superman IV.
Although nobody knows what Andy Warhol was thinking when he made a screen print of Elizabeth Taylor's face in 1963, chances are it was probably "I just hope that one day this painting makes the stuttering git from Music And Lyrics rich."
And what do you know, it has. Last night Hugh Grant auctioned off the Andy Warhol screen print of his entitled “Liz (Colored Liz”) in New York, and sold it for $23.7 million - seven times what he'd originally paid for it. Nobody knows what Hugh Grant will spend all this new Warhol money on - maybe he'll invest it back into art or try to develop a new kind of aerodynamic baked bean that flies better when you hurl it at a photographer - but the main thing is that it keeps Hugh Grant so busy that he doesn't get the chance to make any more films for a while.
