John Lennon – you may remember him from such bands as The Beatles, Plastic Ono Band and Getting Drunk For Two Years With Harry Nilsson – is, like Michael Jackson and Elvis, one of the deadest, hardest working muvvers in showbiz.

Of course, being adopted by America, Lennon still stirs up a lot of interest with people still keen to paw over his memory.

Naturally, memorabilia is the big winner. So what’s being sold now? Would you believe us if we told you his teeth were up for auction? Cloning scientists, do your worst!

One of John Ono’s teeth is to be put up for auction in Stockport on November 5th and Omega Auctions’ Karen Fairweather – who is in charge of the lot – expects it to land some decent cash.

Talking to the Mirror, she says:

“This is the most -wonderful and weird item that we have ever had for sale… it is a truly unique item and it is really difficult to put a value on it. We are expecting it to achieve at least 10k but it is not unknown for items as rare as this to reach six figures.”

The errant tooth fell into the care of Lennon’s former housekeeper, Dot Jarlett, when the pulled it out himself and told Jarlett to give it to her daughter.

Dot’s son, Barry, says:

“He was in the kitchen and he had this tooth which he had wrapped in a piece of paper”

If some mad scientist with a cloning machine lands this tooth, we could well get a Beatles reunion! Won’t that be brilliant and REALLY BLOODY WEIRD?

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Remember the UK royal wedding? You might not want to, but thanks to the media still being in love with the couple of the moment, all sorts of tatty commemorative DVD’s and magazines have been brought out to mark the occasion.

Unless you camped out for several hours to wave at William and Kate, it’ll be the closest you’ll ever get to them. They don’t associate with peasant scum like us.

The marriage of William and Kate wasn’t just about them however. One other person who gained mass attention was Princess Beatrice. She didn’t stop an assassin or anything impressive like that; instead she wore a hat that looked like a huge gaping vagina with two mini spitting foo-foos on top. It’s fair to say it was a fashion no-no. However, some idiot will see it as “arty” and attempt to buy it. Shockingly, some people are already trying to do this.

At best, this strange creation looks like the work of an A-Level textile student who has been encouraged to “open their mind” by a weed smoking hippy teacher. Hats are generally meant to cover the head and protect from elements such as the wind, rain and to a lesser extent, birds defecating from the trees above. This hat, designed by someone called Philip Treacy looks like a prototype for a mobile phone mast spliced with a toilet seat. We assume he makes similar pretentious creations and has made garments made from materials including bellybutton fluff and chicken placenta.

Because people can’t lock themselves away from information these days, we assumed Princess Beatrice had realised she was a laughing stock. So what did she do? She did what all people in the public eye do – donate the awful thing to charity!

A winning situation for everyone really. She looks cool, kind and caring when donating funds to the charities involved which are UNICEF UK and Children in Crisis. Charities we must stress who are involved with awesome work prior to this auction and do ace things for helping those in need. To a lesser extent, somebody gets a stupid hat that they think is fashionable. Princess Beatrice said about the auction:

“I’ve been amazed by the amount of attention the hat has attracted. It’s a wonderful opportunity to raise as much money as possible for two fantastic charities. I hope whoever wins the auction has as much fun with the hat as I have.”

Not bothered about owning a piece of royal history? You should be after reading the items description:

“A truly individual, fun but elegant wedding bow becomes the fascinator form. This statement piece is worn on the front hairline secured by a clear wire headband that is easily disguised by the wearer’s hair. This is a gravity-defying hat.”

So is this some sort of Harry Potter/ Dr Who sci-fi magic stuff with anti-gravity clothing? We haven’t developed flying cars yet, but we guess a floating hat will do. At time of writing, the vagina hat was being sold for £16,2000 and can be viewed here if you want to even consider purchasing it.

If like us you can’t afford to blow £15,000 on a hat, just pop down the newsagents with a couple of quid and buy a book of stamps. You’ll permanently have the queen in your pocket, and if you have a fetish for old ladies, a chance to lick her wrinkling face.

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Squeaky clean pop annoyance Justin Bieber recently had a haircut, which was front-page news almost everywhere, even here on hecklerspray. The news of his haircut sent shockwaves around the world, with sexually confused 12 year olds and slightly creepy 40 somethings everywhere begging to know why he’d chopped his famous $500 fringe off.

Naturally it’s all rather ridiculous, it’s only some hair after all, it’ll grow back, you do know that, right?

What’s even more ridiculous to the furore over Bieber’s bonce is the fact that you can now buy the hair he had lopped off. That’s right, you can buy Bieber’s former barnet covering, if you have $7,000 to spare that is.

You see, wee Justin Bieber recently appeared on the Ellen DeGeneres show in the States (for those of you unfamiliar with the Ellen show, it’s like the Alan Titchmarsh show, only markedly less annoying). During the show Bieber gave Ellen a lock of his hair, which is now being sold through popular offloading of ill-gotten property site, eBay.

The famous follicles are sealed in a clear display case that Bieber has signed and is just shy of the $7,000 mark at the time of writing.

We expect it to fetch a lot more though, it would be criminal if it didn’t, just think about how mental the Beliebers are. They actually call themselves Beliebers and if that isn’t mental we don’t know what is.

We here at hecklerspray can’t help but wonder who will end up buying Bieber’s locks. After all, there can’t be that many Belieber’s with the cash to buy it at its current price, let alone any price it may reach by next week, unless they form a syndicate and all take home one follicle each.

Maybe a very lonely adult will be the winning bidder, claiming it’s for their kids or something, when we all know they have no kids, the sick freaks.

Even we here in the hecklerspray bedsit have been looking behind the couch and rifling through Mof Gimmers’ stuff when he’s not in to see if we can stump up the cash in the hope that we can get our hands on his hair and use it for some bizarre voodoo ritual that would mean we never have to hear about Bieber or his stupid bloody hair again!

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There’s a definite theme to the breaking news today. First we learned that Russell Brand will Queef in front of anybody or something, and now we’re learning that you, yes you – can buy a toilet that once proudly gulped down several pounds of J.D. Salinger’s dookey on a daily basis.

For the sickos out there – pictures of the crapper look pretty clean, so we we doubt you’ll be able to clone a pee monster out of any dried droplets stained under the rim. If you somehow pulled that off though – well that’d just be cool.

Would you like to know where you can buy said toilet? And for how much? The latter question basically got answered in the headline up there. The first question though – that one gets answered after the jump.

It’s on Ebay though. Just so you know.

Do you like to poop, but you can only do so on porcelain that you know has hosted the buttocks of great literary minds? We’re the same way. We can only go in places we think Moses used to go. Over the years we’ve made a pretty gross trail in the wilderness between Egypt and the promised land.

Sorry about that, Egypt. If you revoke our visa, our bladders will probably burst.

Now if you’d really, really like to relieve yourself in the same hole that J.D. Salinger relieved himself – well you’re in luck. That’s because now you can buy his former toilet. You see some guy has it – and he’s selling it on Ebay. We know what you’re thinking, but he offers a hand written letter guaranteeing the throne’s authenticity.

According to the Associated Press:

“Rick Kohl of The Vault said Friday he bought the standard white porcelain fixture from a New Hampshire couple who owned a home where the author of “Catcher in the Rye” once lived. To vouch that this is no phony, Kohl has a letter from the homeowner attesting that she and her husband replaced the toilet while remodeling, and that they knew the workmen who installed it decades ago.”

And do you know how much you can acquire this particular toilet for? One million US – or best offer. Scoot on over to Ebay and see what you can’t make happen. If you do end up buying the thing – you ought to consider beefing up your security. Jerry Garcia’s potty was auctioned off on Ebay some time ago – and it was eventually stolen.

And speaking of toilets that would just be awesome to own – sorry, but Elvis‘ death seat isn’t for sale. Remember when all the mortician’s tools that chopped him up were? That’s quite a collection you could have there.

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Good news if you’re the kind of person who still likes Madonna! Somebody’s now selling a 4″ x 6″ square of her skin stretched over a small wooden frame. We’ve heard there are several moles vaguely formed in the shape of the big dipper, and if you follow the image, navigationally speaking, you’ll eventually wind up in the Americas.

We’ve also heard it originally came detached in the teeth of a rabid goat seven hours into a Kabbalah desert-tent ceremony.

That, or bunches of faxed love notes and boring telephone messages she delivered years ago are going up for auction.

Years ago Madonna had people who loved her – and we mean really loved her. Most of them we assume were bankers and the deaf. We’d give you a list of exactly who loved her but none of them have ever wanted their names publicly released for fear they’d be excommunicated from one church or another.

Not Jim Albright though – he wasn’t ashamed of his feelings for her. You see, until her he was best known for being born on a river bank from the swollen bum of a hippo. Can you imagine living with that? Luckily the tabloids were far more interested in the fact that Madonna was feeding from his jugular every couple hours than they were about him taking his first breath from beneath a giant pile of brown.

Or something like that, anyway. The point being – Albright dated Madonna exclusively at some point in the early nineties. As a result he has several faxed love notes from her and two cassette tapes chock full of smutty messages. The faxed notes read like a Mad Lib, and the love messages had the general theme of one day adopting all of Africa together.

Once again our mind may have hazed the truth lines. We’ll let NBC News relate everything:

“Madonna faxed love letters to her then-boyfriend Jim Albright and left naughty messages on his answering machine in the early 1990s. The messages are on two micro-cassette tapes estimated to sell for up to $40,000.”

So if you want to hear Madonna tell somebody else a long time ago about how those boob-cones really chaffe, and how making love to black religious statues is actually a whole lot of work, then by all means throw in a bid. Might we suggest you start with at least three digits.

For the rest of us though, we’ll just have to content ourselves with buying her one stranded desert-island movie from countless bargain bins. We saw it once for under a dollar.

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Like many people, we’ve often dreamt of laying down, naked as a baby, and smearing ourselves with Scarlett Johansson’s nasal mucus.

And, hey, now we can. For reasons that frankly we’re too petrified to go into, Scarlett Johansson has decided to auction off one of her snot-filled tissues on eBay. The most frightening news? It’s currently standing at $2,205.

While that makes for an expensive trophy – or dinner condiment – $2,205 is actually enough money for scientists to harvest Scarlett Johansson’s DNA and build their own snot-covered, manky-looking Jurassic Park-style Scarlett Johansson clone. Or they could just buy Cheryl Baker from Buck’s Fizz instead. Whichever’s cheapest.

Look, we know the credit crunch is hitting everyone hard, but we didn’t know it was so bad that celebrities would have to resort to flogging off their most cherished possessions to get by. Just yesterday we told you how Snoop Dogg was auctioning off his shed for one reason or another, and now it looks like Scarlett Johansson is getting in on the act, too.

Except Scarlett Johansson doesn’t have a shed – as a woman she only likes cushions and kittens and needlepoint and other activities that aren’t very shed-friendly – but what she does have is mucus.

Seriously, Scarlett Johansson is full to the brim with snot. In fact, we heard that Scarlett Johansson has so much mucus in her system at any given point in time that if you prick her with a pin as she walks past, four gallons of red-hot snot will squirt out of the hole right into your eyeball.

So, since she’s got more snot than she knows what to do with, Scarlett Johansson has decided to auction some of it off to whichever one of her obsessed stalkers has the most money. Fox reports:

During an appearance on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno,” she told Leno that her “Spirit” co-star Samuel L. Jackson had given her his cold. She humbly added that the cold was the union of two big stars, so the tissue undoubtedly had high value. So ScarJo decided to auction off the tissue Leno gave her, after using it, with the proceeds going to USA Harvest, a charity Johannson selected.

Well that’s just delightful, although it does seem like an idea that’s been bogged down with a little too much red tape to us. First Scarlett Johansson has to produce the snotty tissue, then place it for sale on eBay, then people have to go through a 10-day bidding period on it, then the winner is selected and the tissue has to be shipped, then the money has to be sent to Scarlett Johansson who’ll pass it on to USA Harvest who’ll buy seeds to grow plants to feed the hungry.

It’s a bit complicated, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be so much easier if USA Harvest just lined up a row of maybe 500 needy people and just got Scarlett Johansson to run down the line with a finger clamped over one nostril, blasting jets of nutritious Johansson-snot into their grateful mouths? Wouldn’t it? Why don’t these people think?

Anyway, well done to Scarlett Johansson for using her illness to raise money for charity in such an inventive way. And we hope it’s a trend that catches on, too – otherwise our Konnie Huq Infected Bandage Fund will all be for nothing. Nothing!

Oh, go on then – bid on Scarlett Johansson’s gruesome snot-rag here

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Until now if you were staring from the inside out through the mighty gates of the Neverland Ranch, it was with big sad eyes and your pants on backwards.

That changes now. That’s because several things found in and around the house by Michael Jackson himself are about to go up for auction – including those gates. That means if you win the bid and then do the dishes that night, your mom might let you somehow attach them to your bedroom doorway. Wouldn’t that just impress the ladies?

Michael Jackson has a lot going on these days. He owes the Iron Sheikh a whole bunch of money or something, the AARP is probably on him to publicly apply for membership, and several of his former pet camels say they haven’t been brushed since the King of Pop moved to Bahrain.

When people and camels are after you like that it can get expensive, and that’s bad news when you’ve apparently been circling the drain of bankruptcy as long as Jackson has. Really, in the interest of raising money fast, Mikey’s only got three options. He could release another album that will only sell in Italy, he could keep owning half of The Beatles and hope they do another Anthology type thing, or he could auction off a whole bunch of his old sticky stuff. Except his underpants. Those are already long gone.

That last one is what he’s doing. Yup. According to Reuters:

“The gates of Michael Jackson’s famed Neverland Ranch and one of the white gloves first unveiled in his 1983 “Billie Jean” video are going up for auction in a 2,000-item sale organized by the self-styled King of Pop. Auctioneer Darren Julien said Wednesday that Jackson was sorting through thousands of personal items and his vast art collection from the abandoned Neverland Ranch and other places. He said the five-day auction in Beverly Hills, scheduled for April 21-25, will be the first organized by Jackson, who has been living as a virtual recluse since his acquittal in 2005 on child sex abuse charges.”

Thousands of items are gonna be on the auction block – like his glittery white glove for one and 15 different authentic MJ nose chunks for another. Still not convinced enough to raise a hand while the fast talker is standing at the podium? That’s only because you haven’t thought about it yet.

If you had you wouldn’t be so hesitant. The first perk that comes to our mind is that if you buy enough former-Jackson property your house could be like a glow in the dark disco under the right black lights.
You’d never be able to blame darkness when your pee missed the toilet.

That could be a positive or a negative.

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Readers – we love you like we love our own mother.

And although our love for you wasn’t nurtured from a lifetime of you cutting the disgusting corners off our peanut butter sandwiches, it is love just the same. We love you deep, and we love you real.

It is this love that has us worried about you most nights. You see, our greatest fear is one wherein you all won’t be able to retire come age 35. That would be a real shame. You need to plan ahead – you need to invest.

You know – invest. Like in stocks and bonds and what not. Also you could invest in a pair of Michael Jackson‘s underpants. Those are currently worth $1,000,000 a piece, and the value is expected to rise exponentially. You’d better act fast though – there’s only one of them up for sale.

It all happens on eBay today, apparently.

What could be better than owning a real piece of Michael Jackson? Nothing we think. Just ask Latoya – she’s been using his testicles as a beautiful pair of pearl-ish earrings since the mid seventies.

We have no evidence to prove that.

In other Michael Jackson testicle-related news, however, the police confiscated a pair of his drawers years ago to get DNA samples for their kiddie-case against him. Whether said DNA was obtained from the front or the back of the skivvies has not been publicly disclosed – yet. You’ll soon be able to know this for yourself because the garment has never been washed, and it’s apparently been sweating in an air-tight plastic bag for almost six years now or something. Imagine the aroma.

You now have the rare opportunity to buy that pair of underwear and smell them for yourself. They should be getting posted on eBay today – bidding starts at an American million. All proceeds will got either to charity or a bank somewhere.

Here’s what the New York Post knows:

“Michael Jackson’s notorious tighty whities are up for grabs. A pair of size-28 Calvin Klein white briefs once belonging to Wacko Jacko will be auctioned on eBay tomorrow, with a reserve price of $1 million. The unwashed underpants have a sensational past. They were part of the evidence confiscated in 2003 by then-Santa Barbara DA Tom Sneddon, who wanted a DNA sample for his unsuccessful child-molestation case against the washed-up King of Pop.”

Now keep in mind that once these underpants are yours – they are yours forever to share with friends and family as you see fit. Just imagine your grandkids one day sniffing them in a cabin during a weekend family retreat! And if you act now you’ll get all remaining unsold copies of his Invincible album, which is actually a pretty good deal because each of them is selling for at least $3 brand new right now. Also – they’ll throw in a salad shooter!

The auction will have other Jackson memorabilia up for grabs too – like a partial tube of skin bleach he used to make himself white or something, and a letter he once wrote to Lisa Marie Presley, whom he married out of attraction.

Also for sale is Jackson’s unused pair of eyeglasses.

Now we know you are all probably gonna judge us, but keep in mind that Miley Cyrus is really, really mature for her age.

Her and us could probably talk for hours about the things we have in common – ownership of a bicycle, for instance. Yes, that’s it. We could talk about the ownership of bicycles. Well wherever our fantastic conversation is gonna lead us – it’s gonna lead us there soon. After all, we will do whatever it takes to ensure our eBay bid for a date with her is the one that reins supreme.

It better anyway. We just bought a new button-down shirt at Wal-Mart, and we’re having our favorite pants professionally pressed. We’d be embarrassed to have gone all out like that for nothing.

Miley Cyrus may only be thirteen or something, but she’s an old soul. Her life experience is such that, at least mentally, she’s every bit as forty-seven as we are. This should really help us relate to her while she’s sitting across the McDonalds table from us on the date she agreed to go on so long as we pay her thousands of dollars.

To be clear she hasn’t agreed to any dates yet – but if our bid slips onto eBay uncontested just before the auction closes she sure will. We’re also emailing her a picture of our eyes. Girls really seem to dig our eyes, and we feel it could help our effort.

And yes – we said you can win a date with Cyrus if you successfully buy her on eBay. It sounds a bit like human trafficking or something, which several border-authorities have expressly told us is quite illegal. Be careful – that’s all we’re saying.

All Headline News says of the auction:

“The Disney teen star is auctioning off a date on eBay, with the highest bidder being able to attend the premiere of Cyrus’s Disney animated film “Bolt,” which opens November 26. The highest bid for the night-on-the-town with the Hannah Montana star, 15, currently stands around $2,000. The auction kicked off Tuesday night and ends July 29. The auction is benefiting the Cyrus family’s charity, Pappy Cyrus Family Foundation, named for Miley’s grandfather, which supports underprivileged children.”

Wait – don’t get too excited. The whole thing sounds a lot less date-like when you read about it on the actual eBay site:

“Starting at 7 PM PST July 22 through July 29, you can bid on a once in a lifetime chance to meet Miley Cyrus at the premiere of her new Disney film Bolt, plus take home her personal wardrobe, signed albums and photos, and a few of her favorite things.”

It looks like in the end, nobody new will actually be able to claim any sort of ownership over Cyrus. That’s a shame – because after a few years her resale value would have been through the roof. You know – after she’s had plenty of time to revamp Sex & The City, clarify the definition of what exactly is considered a curse word in the English language, and all her questionable internet pics have aged enough to become bonafide collectables.

After all that you could probably get triple what you paid for her.

When writers for hecklerspray finally kick the bucket/are assassinated, we hope that there will be moving tributes paid to us.

Whilst we don’t quite expect a sixty foot high bronze statue to be erected, we do hope that our works will at least be printed on to fish & chip wrappers. Or failing that, will someone at least promise to have a snippet of an article tattooed on to their back if they’re fat enough? If people really are good at doing their respected talent, their legacy usually goes on for years and years.

Just look at our lord saviour Jesus Christ. He’s not renowned for his carpentry skills, but for his amazing magic tricks. Can you turn water in to wine; feed thousand people from two fish and five loaves of bread? No, you can’t, you probably can’t construct a shelf. You’ve got nothing on Jesus.

Another person who’s never out of the news is Marilyn Monroe. Despite being six feet under for forty six years, people still get giddy when new documents about her emerge. So hold on to your replica wig as fresh footage has surfaced. For a price at auction of course. 

Sometimes it’s confusing to see what all the fuss is about. Maybe it’s because hecklerspray hasn’t been part of a conspiracy theory or haven’t shagged a president. Yet. Still there’s plenty of time for this to happen to us and we hope everyone will go loopy for us and run around in circles due to the mass hysteria they are feeling due to our crazy, kooky and nutty antics.  

At first we though it could be someone trying to resell the Marilyn Monroe sextape, but then we realised that the length of the tape was 47 minutes. No bloke can last that long despite what the replies in the worlds biggest penis thread say. Instead of some ropey sixties porn, the footage is just bog standard stuff of her doing everyday activities that doesn’t really make us go “wow Marilyn you are amazing, please show us how you do those things”. BBC News reports that the tape shows: 

“Monroe looks relaxed and playful, having her hair done, chatting with crew and actors or just walking around clutching a coffee mug.”

Omg! Omg! Omg! We can see Marilyn doing things that normal people do! Wow, that means she was as common as us and you and wasn’t a super-person who had to sleep in specially constructed rooms to maintain her abnormal powers. With all these fine little details, we can use this information to become a bit more like her.  

How ace will it be to use the same shampoo as Marilyn? Finally we can get those curls perfected and hopefully remain dandruff free. The same goes about her coffee. Not only can we drink the same brand, but we can mimic how she holds her cup and see if she was a slurper as she knocked back the caffeine. Some people may see this is as stalking, but we prefer the term “getting closer to someone who is no longer with us”. 

The 47 minute film which was filmed on set during the film The Misfits could Fetch up to £10,000 this weekend when the footage is flogged off in Las Vegas. There are two sorts of buyers we imagine for this sort of film. A) Your hardcore fan that will spend his time wacking one off to the film as he plays it on constant repeat all day, everyday. B) A group of casual fans who want the world to see their favourite star in a positive light and not involved in another seedy story involving lust and overpriced paintings. Whilst option B would be the better outcome, we presume that a fanaticworshipper will purchase the tape and spend his days taunting the failed bidders. His cries of “work that coffee cup bitch” may be too traumatic for some fans to handle. It may cause them to stop fanaticising over a person whose been dead for a long time. 

Hecklerspray does have an alternative for you though if you miss out on buying the tape. For £100 we will let you film us drink cups of tea, battle with the photocopier, accidently staple our fingers and get angry with keyboards that don’t work. Surely that’s much more exciting then watching Marilyn Monroe wash her hair. The same women who’d at best only manage to be a substitute Big Brother contestant nowadays. 

To read more, see "Unseen Monroe Reels Go To Auction" on BBC

It must have been such a relief for JK Rowling when she finished the last Harry Potter book, because it meant she could focus on what’s really important to her – which, it turns out, is Harry Potter.

Not content with the book of Harry Potter fairy tales she recently wrote, or the Harry Potter encyclopedia she’s working on now, JK Rowling has found the time to write a prequel to the Harry Potter books, set before Harry first went to Hogwarts.

However, there’s only one copy of this 800-word Harry Potter prequel and it’s going to be auctioned for charity, so hardly anyone will be able to read it. But the rest of you shouldn’t worry – give it a year and Warner Bros will have bought the rights and padded it out into a brand new nine-hour movie trilogy. In space.

As any novelist and most parents will tell you, it’s difficult to kill off your own creation. That definitely seems to be the case with Harry Potter and JK Rowling. JK Rowling finished writing Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows a couple of years ago, but she just can’t seem to let go of the boy wizard.

Maybe that’s because Harry Potter has been JK Rowling’s closest companion for a decade. Maybe it’s because Harry Potter left a mark on society more indelible than anything else JK Rowling will ever write. Or maybe it’s because Harry Potter made JK Rowling so rich that all the jewelery she now owns is made from the crystallised remains of Jesus Christ. Who knows?

Whatever the reason, JK Rowling seems unable to stop sneaking out new Harry Potter morsels every couple of months. First it was the handwritten Harry Potter fairy tales that were given to friends and auctioned off. Then there’s the Harry Potter encyclopedia that’s definitely JK Rowling’s idea and she’ll sue you if you copy her. And now there’s a brand-new Harry Potter prequel.

Don’t get too excited, though – the Harry Potter prequel is only 800 words long and written on both sides of an A5 storycard, which means you’ll look like even more of a dick than usual if you try reading it on the tube. Also there’s only one copy and it’s probably going to cost about £5 million when it’s sold in a charity auction next month. Sky News reports:

Rowling has penned a prequel to the bestselling seven-book series describing what happened to Harry before he went to Hogwarts. The new piece is one of 13 story outlines written by famous writers for a charity auction to be held by Waterstones on June 10…. [Rowling] says at the end of the story, written on both sides of an A5 storycard: “From the prequel I am not working on – but that was fun!”

We’re not entirely sure what happens in this new Harry Potter prequel but, since Star Wars was such an obvious influence on the Harry Potter books, we believe that it’ll centre around a complex and obscure trade disagreement, show Lord Voldemort as the adorable little boy from Jingle All The Way and feature a stupid racially-dubious alien that everyone hates because he’s obviously just there to sell merchandising.

Still, it’s wrong of us to criticise JK Rowling here, because her exclusive one-off Harry Potter prequel is bound to raise an incredible amount of money for charity. Plus it’s infinitely better than her original idea for a story outline – basically an inky imprint of her arse and the words ‘I am rich! Suck it dickheads!’ angrily scrawled out underneath it in lipstick.

We’ve all been there.

You know the feeling: it’s a big night out and you want to dress to impress. But all your best clothes are in the laundry, and you can’t go out naked again – you always seem to draw all that nasty ‘police attention’, and besides, it’d be the third time this week. How you wish – oh, how you yearn and pray – that you could look like an overweight gangster who may or may not be dead and whose life neatly doubles up as a slow-burning metaphor for various aspects of American national identity.

Well … now you can!

All you have to do is head over to New York City on the 25th June for a Christies Pop Culture auction, the proceeds of which will go to a charity that benefits wounded U.S troops. Not only will you be donating your money to a good cause, but you can help yourself to Tony Soprano-related items including:

‘ … a bloody outfit worn when Soprano was shot at the beginning of season six by Uncle Junior in a fit of dementia, which is estimated to fetch up to $3,000, and his signature white tank top, light blue striped boxer shorts, striped short robe and leather scuffs that could make $1,500.’

Incidentally, if anyone is thinking of going to this auction, and they’re by any chance selling the costume that Adrianna wore in that episode where she played tennis and bent over a lot, let us know. We’ll gladly place an offer. Only, you know, because we need it for research purposes. Seriously. We’re writing a film about a female tennis superstar and placing that outfit on display in the corner of the room would provide a gripping visual ‘imagination point.’

Oh, okay. The truth: we’ve got a kidnapped hooker in the basement. She’s a big fan of Steffi Graf and it’s her birthday soon.

God, we’re so generous sometimes.

In 2004 we were assured repeatedly that the jaw bone we were paying $700 for was from the face of the great Bob Hope.

Our patience was tested once we learned it was actually the bottom half of a turkey beak, but our love and admiration for the decomposing comedian still sort of endured. Kind of. Then when we had the chance to buy his gizzard from the repentant people who’d made the original sale to us, well, we jumped on it.

Now we keep said gizzard in our pocket, and squeeze it with our thumb and fingers whenever we wish for a touch of 50s-style comedian luck. You may be gone, Bob, but you’ll always be with us. In our front right pocket.

And now you can have Bob Hope stuff in your pockets too – because his estate is auctioning off his entire dead body former possessions.

We heard once that Bob Hope’s only dying wish was to have his entire body pickled, and then hung by the wrists in the biggest tent the Wisconsin state fair has ever seen. If that’s true at all its probably because Bob Hope was extremely funny. If its not true at all it’s probably because Bob Hope died when he was literally 100 years old and could no longer convey his self-pickling thoughts.

A shame, that – and lest the same fate should happen to us we’d like to publicly state that when our clock has ticked its last tock we should very much like to be vertically cored and stuffed with pimento. Then hang us next to Bob, also by the wrist.

Until that time though, to get close to B. Hope we’ll just have to settle for doing it just like everyone else – at an auction for all his old crap. The Associated Press paints us this picture:

“Nearly 800 items of Hope history, from foolishness to fine art, will be sold to fans and dealers alike at a mid-October charity auction in Los Angeles commissioned by the family of the famed comedian, who died in 2003 at age 100. The auction will be televised live and online by the Auction Network, allowing viewers worldwide to participate in real time.”

And what type of Hope-things might you be able to electronically purchase? Aside from his gizzard? Not much has been specified yet – a signed pic of Lucille Ball, a cowboy hat from one of his movies and a Jamaican pot plantation.

Hey – people would just give him stuff, alright? Stop judging dead people, punk!

We made up the plantation. Mr. Hope isn’t known to have ever farmed anything – except laughs!

Now excuse us while we try that one on the USO.

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Bob Hope’s Personal Items To Be Auctioned – Reuters India

Scarlett Johansson is so sought-after that a man from the UK has actually paid $40,100 (about £20,000) to be able to accompany her to the premier of her upcoming movie, He’s Just Not That Into You.

He doesn’t even appear to have been guaranteed sex on any level – not even a tonguing – and yet has paid for the equivalent of 8,000 anal sexes with Manfa, who has been hanging round the corners of hecklerstreet for four years now.

When asked what kind of an evening she’d give a man who had paid £40,100, Manfa said she’d “willingly go blind in both eyes,” and if he still wanted to go see the movie, that “with a film title like that, blindness may be a blessing,” before adding “maybe I’d go deaf for it too.” But that’s Manfa, and she really is a dirty whore. Five dollars for sex? That’s two pound fifty; cheaper than a Zinger Tower.

Scarlett Johansson is a different kettle of fish. Manfa can’t even afford a kettle, and certainly shouldn’t be trusted with the responsibility of caring for fish, especially in a kettle. She’d be so off her face on crack that she’d forget that this kettle was being used as a makeshift fish sanctuary and flip it on in preparation of sterilising a few needles and as she curls up on the floor in an all-too-short-lived foetus of ecstasy there’s gonna be fish carnage on her hands. 

But not Scarlett Johansson; one trip to the cinema with her is worth a lifetime of bumming Manfa, according to eBay username bossnour. Some other people wouldn’t be so quick to judge – Manfa does have a few perks, especially for the more aggressive fellow – and it’s probable that bossnour was not even made aware of Manfa’s services. Marie Claire reports:

The UK-based user, named bossnour, won the online auction, set up to benefit Oxfam, after beating off 695,183 interested parties and 170 other bids. The 10-day sale ended yesterday, and the fortunate fan will accompany Johansson to the premiere of her upcoming movie, He's Just Not That Into You in Los Angeles in June. 

Be that as it may, a trip to the cinema is a metaphorical mile away from Scarlett Johansson’s bumhole – just imagine what she could charge? The money, which has been donated to Oxfam, would be astronomical. Geldolf can put as many popstars on the global stage as he wants, but if Scarlett was to donate her ass to Oxfam, after about five years of honest donation, poverty would be history.

Read more:

Scarlett Johansson's $40,100 date - Marie Claire 

If Michael Jackson ever lost Neverland, he'd be a broken shell of a man – or at least more broken and shelly than he is now, if that's even possible.

Luckily, though, we don't have to concern ourselves with that any more – Michael Jackson isn't going to lose Neverland any more.

Although it had been up for public auction next month, Michael Jackson has worked out a private agreement with an investment group to make sure that Neverland stays his. Bad luck everyone else – you'll just have to find another spooky dilapidated old ranch complete with its own nightmarish arrested-adolescent fairground and hard-to-remove, albeit legally-nonexistent, child abuse connotations to spend your money on.

Chances are if you're reading this, you're probably some sort of ghoulish millionaire interested equally in gaudy decor and inviting underage cancer sufferers round to get drunk on booze. And if that's the case, we've got some bad news for you.

Yes, we know that last month we told you that Neverland ranch was getting auctioned off next week because Michael Jackson defaulted on a property loan worth $24 million. And, yes, we know that the news got you quite excited and that in your head you'd probably already decided that your coffee table would look nice next to the creepy oxygen tent and that a new lick of paint would partially remove the unfounded sensation that Michael Jackson wanked off a lot of boys there. But we've got bad news.

Somehow, Michael Jackson has found the $24 million to save Neverland from being auctioned. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Michael Jackson reached an 11th-hour deal to refinance his troubled Neverland Ranch, his lawyer said Thursday, avoiding a public auction of the property that had been scheduled next week. Jackson attorney L. Londell McMillan told The Associated Press the pop star has worked out a "confidential" agreement with Fortress Investment Group LLC allowing him to retain ownership of the famed property in Los Olivos, Calif. "Neverland and MJ are fine," McMillan said.

And good for Michael Jackson – if Neverland was sold it'd probably be sold off as condos or turned into the world's least pleasant hotel resort, and the place has just got too much history for a sad ending like that. Who can forget, for instance, where Michael Jackson's staff all walked out because they hadn't been paid? Or the time when Michael Jackson was accused of treating his zoo animals with inhuman cruelty? Golden times, golden times. 

However, just because Michael Jackson has fended off the threat of public auction for now, don't think that he'll keep Neverland. He hasn't lived there since he was acquitted of molesting those children in 2005 and it's thought that he's now trying to sell it.

So maybe your dreams of owning a large property that you don't like to stay in because the creaking of the ferris wheel sounds like the tortured screams of the young can come true, after all!

Read more:

Michael Jackson will keep Neverland Ranch - LA Times