Good news if you’re the kind of person who still likes Madonna! Somebody’s now selling a 4″ x 6″ square of her skin stretched over a small wooden frame. We’ve heard there are several moles vaguely formed in the shape of the big dipper, and if you follow the image, navigationally speaking, you’ll eventually wind up in the Americas.

We’ve also heard it originally came detached in the teeth of a rabid goat seven hours into a Kabbalah desert-tent ceremony.

That, or bunches of faxed love notes and boring telephone messages she delivered years ago are going up for auction.

Years ago Madonna had people who loved her – and we mean really loved her. Most of them we assume were bankers and the deaf. We’d give you a list of exactly who loved her but none of them have ever wanted their names publicly released for fear they’d be excommunicated from one church or another.

Not Jim Albright though – he wasn’t ashamed of his feelings for her. You see, until her he was best known for being born on a river bank from the swollen bum of a hippo. Can you imagine living with that? Luckily the tabloids were far more interested in the fact that Madonna was feeding from his jugular every couple hours than they were about him taking his first breath from beneath a giant pile of brown.

Or something like that, anyway. The point being – Albright dated Madonna exclusively at some point in the early nineties. As a result he has several faxed love notes from her and two cassette tapes chock full of smutty messages. The faxed notes read like a Mad Lib, and the love messages had the general theme of one day adopting all of Africa together.

Once again our mind may have hazed the truth lines. We’ll let NBC News relate everything:

“Madonna faxed love letters to her then-boyfriend Jim Albright and left naughty messages on his answering machine in the early 1990s. The messages are on two micro-cassette tapes estimated to sell for up to $40,000.”

So if you want to hear Madonna tell somebody else a long time ago about how those boob-cones really chaffe, and how making love to black religious statues is actually a whole lot of work, then by all means throw in a bid. Might we suggest you start with at least three digits.

For the rest of us though, we’ll just have to content ourselves with buying her one stranded desert-island movie from countless bargain bins. We saw it once for under a dollar.

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And, hey, now we can. For reasons that frankly we’re too petrified to go into, Scarlett Johansson has decided to auction off one of her snot-filled tissues on eBay. The most frightening news? It’s currently standing at $2,205.

While that makes for an expensive trophy – or dinner condiment – $2,205 is actually enough money for scientists to harvest Scarlett Johansson’s DNA and build their own snot-covered, manky-looking Jurassic Park-style Scarlett Johansson clone. Or they could just buy Cheryl Baker from Buck’s Fizz instead. Whichever’s cheapest.

Look, we know the credit crunch is hitting everyone hard, but we didn’t know it was so bad that celebrities would have to resort to flogging off their most cherished possessions to get by. Just yesterday we told you how Snoop Dogg was auctioning off his shed for one reason or another, and now it looks like Scarlett Johansson is getting in on the act, too.

Except Scarlett Johansson doesn’t have a shed – as a woman she only likes cushions and kittens and needlepoint and other activities that aren’t very shed-friendly – but what she does have is mucus.

Seriously, Scarlett Johansson is full to the brim with snot. In fact, we heard that Scarlett Johansson has so much mucus in her system at any given point in time that if you prick her with a pin as she walks past, four gallons of red-hot snot will squirt out of the hole right into your eyeball.

So, since she’s got more snot than she knows what to do with, Scarlett Johansson has decided to auction some of it off to whichever one of her obsessed stalkers has the most money. Fox reports:

During an appearance on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno,” she told Leno that her “Spirit” co-star Samuel L. Jackson had given her his cold. She humbly added that the cold was the union of two big stars, so the tissue undoubtedly had high value. So ScarJo decided to auction off the tissue Leno gave her, after using it, with the proceeds going to USA Harvest, a charity Johannson selected.

Well that’s just delightful, although it does seem like an idea that’s been bogged down with a little too much red tape to us. First Scarlett Johansson has to produce the snotty tissue, then place it for sale on eBay, then people have to go through a 10-day bidding period on it, then the winner is selected and the tissue has to be shipped, then the money has to be sent to Scarlett Johansson who’ll pass it on to USA Harvest who’ll buy seeds to grow plants to feed the hungry.

It’s a bit complicated, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be so much easier if USA Harvest just lined up a row of maybe 500 needy people and just got Scarlett Johansson to run down the line with a finger clamped over one nostril, blasting jets of nutritious Johansson-snot into their grateful mouths? Wouldn’t it? Why don’t these people think?

Anyway, well done to Scarlett Johansson for using her illness to raise money for charity in such an inventive way. And we hope it’s a trend that catches on, too – otherwise our Konnie Huq Infected Bandage Fund will all be for nothing. Nothing!

Oh, go on then – bid on Scarlett Johansson’s gruesome snot-rag here

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Until now if you were staring from the inside out through the mighty gates of the Neverland Ranch, it was with big sad eyes and your pants on backwards.

That changes now. That’s because several things found in and around the house by Michael Jackson himself are about to go up for auction – including those gates. That means if you win the bid and then do the dishes that night, your mom might let you somehow attach them to your bedroom doorway. Wouldn’t that just impress the ladies?

Michael Jackson has a lot going on these days. He owes the Iron Sheikh a whole bunch of money or something, the AARP is probably on him to publicly apply for membership, and several of his former pet camels say they haven’t been brushed since the King of Pop moved to Bahrain.

When people and camels are after you like that it can get expensive, and that’s bad news when you’ve apparently been circling the drain of bankruptcy as long as Jackson has. Really, in the interest of raising money fast, Mikey’s only got three options. He could release another album that will only sell in Italy, he could keep owning half of The Beatles and hope they do another Anthology type thing, or he could auction off a whole bunch of his old sticky stuff. Except his underpants. Those are already long gone.

That last one is what he’s doing. Yup. According to Reuters:

“The gates of Michael Jackson’s famed Neverland Ranch and one of the white gloves first unveiled in his 1983 “Billie Jean” video are going up for auction in a 2,000-item sale organized by the self-styled King of Pop. Auctioneer Darren Julien said Wednesday that Jackson was sorting through thousands of personal items and his vast art collection from the abandoned Neverland Ranch and other places. He said the five-day auction in Beverly Hills, scheduled for April 21-25, will be the first organized by Jackson, who has been living as a virtual recluse since his acquittal in 2005 on child sex abuse charges.”

Thousands of items are gonna be on the auction block – like his glittery white glove for one and 15 different authentic MJ nose chunks for another. Still not convinced enough to raise a hand while the fast talker is standing at the podium? That’s only because you haven’t thought about it yet.

If you had you wouldn’t be so hesitant. The first perk that comes to our mind is that if you buy enough former-Jackson property your house could be like a glow in the dark disco under the right black lights.
You’d never be able to blame darkness when your pee missed the toilet.

That could be a positive or a negative.

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And although our love for you wasn’t nurtured from a lifetime of you cutting the disgusting corners off our peanut butter sandwiches, it is love just the same. We love you deep, and we love you real.

It is this love that has us worried about you most nights. You see, our greatest fear is one wherein you all won’t be able to retire come age 35. That would be a real shame. You need to plan ahead – you need to invest.

You know – invest. Like in stocks and bonds and what not. Also you could invest in a pair of Michael Jackson’s underpants. Those are currently worth $1,000,000 a piece, and the value is expected to rise exponentially. You’d better act fast though – there’s only one of them up for sale.

It all happens on eBay today, apparently.

What could be better than owning a real piece of Michael Jackson? Nothing we think. Just ask Latoya – she’s been using his testicles as a beautiful pair of pearl-ish earrings since the mid seventies.

We have no evidence to prove that.

In other Michael Jackson testicle-related news, however, the police confiscated a pair of his drawers years ago to get DNA samples for their kiddie-case against him. Whether said DNA was obtained from the front or the back of the skivvies has not been publicly disclosed – yet. You’ll soon be able to know this for yourself because the garment has never been washed, and it’s apparently been sweating in an air-tight plastic bag for almost six years now or something. Imagine the aroma.

You now have the rare opportunity to buy that pair of underwear and smell them for yourself. They should be getting posted on eBay today – bidding starts at an American million. All proceeds will got either to charity or a bank somewhere.

Here’s what the New York Post knows:

“Michael Jackson’s notorious tighty whities are up for grabs. A pair of size-28 Calvin Klein white briefs once belonging to Wacko Jacko will be auctioned on eBay tomorrow, with a reserve price of $1 million. The unwashed underpants have a sensational past. They were part of the evidence confiscated in 2003 by then-Santa Barbara DA Tom Sneddon, who wanted a DNA sample for his unsuccessful child-molestation case against the washed-up King of Pop.”

Now keep in mind that once these underpants are yours – they are yours forever to share with friends and family as you see fit. Just imagine your grandkids one day sniffing them in a cabin during a weekend family retreat! And if you act now you’ll get all remaining unsold copies of his Invincible album, which is actually a pretty good deal because each of them is selling for at least $3 brand new right now. Also – they’ll throw in a salad shooter!

The auction will have other Jackson memorabilia up for grabs too – like a partial tube of skin bleach he used to make himself white or something, and a letter he once wrote to Lisa Marie Presley, whom he married out of attraction.

Also for sale is Jackson’s unused pair of eyeglasses.

Her and us could probably talk for hours about the things we have in common – ownership of a bicycle, for instance. Yes, that’s it. We could talk about the ownership of bicycles. Well wherever our fantastic conversation is gonna lead us – it’s gonna lead us there soon. After all, we will do whatever it takes to ensure our eBay bid for a date with her is the one that reins supreme.

It better anyway. We just bought a new button-down shirt at Wal-Mart, and we’re having our favorite pants professionally pressed. We’d be embarrassed to have gone all out like that for nothing.

Miley Cyrus may only be thirteen or something, but she’s an old soul. Her life experience is such that, at least mentally, she’s every bit as forty-seven as we are. This should really help us relate to her while she’s sitting across the McDonalds table from us on the date she agreed to go on so long as we pay her thousands of dollars.

To be clear she hasn’t agreed to any dates yet – but if our bid slips onto eBay uncontested just before the auction closes she sure will. We’re also emailing her a picture of our eyes. Girls really seem to dig our eyes, and we feel it could help our effort.

And yes – we said you can win a date with Cyrus if you successfully buy her on eBay. It sounds a bit like human trafficking or something, which several border-authorities have expressly told us is quite illegal. Be careful – that’s all we’re saying.

All Headline News says of the auction:

“The Disney teen star is auctioning off a date on eBay, with the highest bidder being able to attend the premiere of Cyrus’s Disney animated film “Bolt,” which opens November 26. The highest bid for the night-on-the-town with the Hannah Montana star, 15, currently stands around $2,000. The auction kicked off Tuesday night and ends July 29. The auction is benefiting the Cyrus family’s charity, Pappy Cyrus Family Foundation, named for Miley’s grandfather, which supports underprivileged children.”

Wait – don’t get too excited. The whole thing sounds a lot less date-like when you read about it on the actual eBay site:

“Starting at 7 PM PST July 22 through July 29, you can bid on a once in a lifetime chance to meet Miley Cyrus at the premiere of her new Disney film Bolt, plus take home her personal wardrobe, signed albums and photos, and a few of her favorite things.”

It looks like in the end, nobody new will actually be able to claim any sort of ownership over Cyrus. That’s a shame – because after a few years her resale value would have been through the roof. You know – after she’s had plenty of time to revamp Sex & The City, clarify the definition of what exactly is considered a curse word in the English language, and all her questionable internet pics have aged enough to become bonafide collectables.

After all that you could probably get triple what you paid for her.

Whilst we don’t quite expect a sixty foot high bronze statue to be erected, we do hope that our works will at least be printed on to fish & chip wrappers. Or failing that, will someone at least promise to have a snippet of an article tattooed on to their back if they’re fat enough? If people really are good at doing their respected talent, their legacy usually goes on for years and years.

Just look at our lord saviour Jesus Christ. He’s not renowned for his carpentry skills, but for his amazing magic tricks. Can you turn water in to wine; feed thousand people from two fish and five loaves of bread? No, you can’t, you probably can’t construct a shelf. You’ve got nothing on Jesus.

Another person who’s never out of the news is Marilyn Monroe. Despite being six feet under for forty six years, people still get giddy when new documents about her emerge. So hold on to your replica wig as fresh footage has surfaced. For a price at auction of course. 

Sometimes it’s confusing to see what all the fuss is about. Maybe it’s because hecklerspray hasn’t been part of a conspiracy theory or haven’t shagged a president. Yet. Still there’s plenty of time for this to happen to us and we hope everyone will go loopy for us and run around in circles due to the mass hysteria they are feeling due to our crazy, kooky and nutty antics.  

At first we though it could be someone trying to resell the Marilyn Monroe sextape, but then we realised that the length of the tape was 47 minutes. No bloke can last that long despite what the replies in the worlds biggest penis thread say. Instead of some ropey sixties porn, the footage is just bog standard stuff of her doing everyday activities that doesn’t really make us go “wow Marilyn you are amazing, please show us how you do those things”. BBC News reports that the tape shows: 

“Monroe looks relaxed and playful, having her hair done, chatting with crew and actors or just walking around clutching a coffee mug.”

Omg! Omg! Omg! We can see Marilyn doing things that normal people do! Wow, that means she was as common as us and you and wasn’t a super-person who had to sleep in specially constructed rooms to maintain her abnormal powers. With all these fine little details, we can use this information to become a bit more like her.  

How ace will it be to use the same shampoo as Marilyn? Finally we can get those curls perfected and hopefully remain dandruff free. The same goes about her coffee. Not only can we drink the same brand, but we can mimic how she holds her cup and see if she was a slurper as she knocked back the caffeine. Some people may see this is as stalking, but we prefer the term “getting closer to someone who is no longer with us”. 

The 47 minute film which was filmed on set during the film The Misfits could Fetch up to £10,000 this weekend when the footage is flogged off in Las Vegas. There are two sorts of buyers we imagine for this sort of film. A) Your hardcore fan that will spend his time wacking one off to the film as he plays it on constant repeat all day, everyday. B) A group of casual fans who want the world to see their favourite star in a positive light and not involved in another seedy story involving lust and overpriced paintings. Whilst option B would be the better outcome, we presume that a fanaticworshipper will purchase the tape and spend his days taunting the failed bidders. His cries of “work that coffee cup bitch” may be too traumatic for some fans to handle. It may cause them to stop fanaticising over a person whose been dead for a long time. 

Hecklerspray does have an alternative for you though if you miss out on buying the tape. For £100 we will let you film us drink cups of tea, battle with the photocopier, accidently staple our fingers and get angry with keyboards that don’t work. Surely that’s much more exciting then watching Marilyn Monroe wash her hair. The same women who’d at best only manage to be a substitute Big Brother contestant nowadays. 

To read more, see "Unseen Monroe Reels Go To Auction" on BBC

Not content with the book of Harry Potter fairy tales she recently wrote, or the Harry Potter encyclopedia she’s working on now, JK Rowling has found the time to write a prequel to the Harry Potter books, set before Harry first went to Hogwarts.

However, there’s only one copy of this 800-word Harry Potter prequel and it’s going to be auctioned for charity, so hardly anyone will be able to read it. But the rest of you shouldn’t worry – give it a year and Warner Bros will have bought the rights and padded it out into a brand new nine-hour movie trilogy. In space.

As any novelist and most parents will tell you, it’s difficult to kill off your own creation. That definitely seems to be the case with Harry Potter and JK Rowling. JK Rowling finished writing Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows a couple of years ago, but she just can’t seem to let go of the boy wizard.

Maybe that’s because Harry Potter has been JK Rowling’s closest companion for a decade. Maybe it’s because Harry Potter left a mark on society more indelible than anything else JK Rowling will ever write. Or maybe it’s because Harry Potter made JK Rowling so rich that all the jewelery she now owns is made from the crystallised remains of Jesus Christ. Who knows?

Whatever the reason, JK Rowling seems unable to stop sneaking out new Harry Potter morsels every couple of months. First it was the handwritten Harry Potter fairy tales that were given to friends and auctioned off. Then there’s the Harry Potter encyclopedia that’s definitely JK Rowling’s idea and she’ll sue you if you copy her. And now there’s a brand-new Harry Potter prequel.

Don’t get too excited, though – the Harry Potter prequel is only 800 words long and written on both sides of an A5 storycard, which means you’ll look like even more of a dick than usual if you try reading it on the tube. Also there’s only one copy and it’s probably going to cost about £5 million when it’s sold in a charity auction next month. Sky News reports:

Rowling has penned a prequel to the bestselling seven-book series describing what happened to Harry before he went to Hogwarts. The new piece is one of 13 story outlines written by famous writers for a charity auction to be held by Waterstones on June 10…. [Rowling] says at the end of the story, written on both sides of an A5 storycard: “From the prequel I am not working on – but that was fun!”

We’re not entirely sure what happens in this new Harry Potter prequel but, since Star Wars was such an obvious influence on the Harry Potter books, we believe that it’ll centre around a complex and obscure trade disagreement, show Lord Voldemort as the adorable little boy from Jingle All The Way and feature a stupid racially-dubious alien that everyone hates because he’s obviously just there to sell merchandising.

Still, it’s wrong of us to criticise JK Rowling here, because her exclusive one-off Harry Potter prequel is bound to raise an incredible amount of money for charity. Plus it’s infinitely better than her original idea for a story outline – basically an inky imprint of her arse and the words ‘I am rich! Suck it dickheads!’ angrily scrawled out underneath it in lipstick.

You know the feeling: it’s a big night out and you want to dress to impress. But all your best clothes are in the laundry, and you can’t go out naked again – you always seem to draw all that nasty ‘police attention’, and besides, it’d be the third time this week. How you wish – oh, how you yearn and pray – that you could look like an overweight gangster who may or may not be dead and whose life neatly doubles up as a slow-burning metaphor for various aspects of American national identity.

Well … now you can!

All you have to do is head over to New York City on the 25th June for a Christies Pop Culture auction, the proceeds of which will go to a charity that benefits wounded U.S troops. Not only will you be donating your money to a good cause, but you can help yourself to Tony Soprano-related items including:

‘ … a bloody outfit worn when Soprano was shot at the beginning of season six by Uncle Junior in a fit of dementia, which is estimated to fetch up to $3,000, and his signature white tank top, light blue striped boxer shorts, striped short robe and leather scuffs that could make $1,500.’

Incidentally, if anyone is thinking of going to this auction, and they’re by any chance selling the costume that Adrianna wore in that episode where she played tennis and bent over a lot, let us know. We’ll gladly place an offer. Only, you know, because we need it for research purposes. Seriously. We’re writing a film about a female tennis superstar and placing that outfit on display in the corner of the room would provide a gripping visual ‘imagination point.’

Oh, okay. The truth: we’ve got a kidnapped hooker in the basement. She’s a big fan of Steffi Graf and it’s her birthday soon.

God, we’re so generous sometimes.

Our patience was tested once we learned it was actually the bottom half of a turkey beak, but our love and admiration for the decomposing comedian still sort of endured. Kind of. Then when we had the chance to buy his gizzard from the repentant people who’d made the original sale to us, well, we jumped on it.

Now we keep said gizzard in our pocket, and squeeze it with our thumb and fingers whenever we wish for a touch of 50s-style comedian luck. You may be gone, Bob, but you’ll always be with us. In our front right pocket.

And now you can have Bob Hope stuff in your pockets too – because his estate is auctioning off his entire dead body former possessions.

We heard once that Bob Hope’s only dying wish was to have his entire body pickled, and then hung by the wrists in the biggest tent the Wisconsin state fair has ever seen. If that’s true at all its probably because Bob Hope was extremely funny. If its not true at all it’s probably because Bob Hope died when he was literally 100 years old and could no longer convey his self-pickling thoughts.

A shame, that – and lest the same fate should happen to us we’d like to publicly state that when our clock has ticked its last tock we should very much like to be vertically cored and stuffed with pimento. Then hang us next to Bob, also by the wrist.

Until that time though, to get close to B. Hope we’ll just have to settle for doing it just like everyone else – at an auction for all his old crap. The Associated Press paints us this picture:

“Nearly 800 items of Hope history, from foolishness to fine art, will be sold to fans and dealers alike at a mid-October charity auction in Los Angeles commissioned by the family of the famed comedian, who died in 2003 at age 100. The auction will be televised live and online by the Auction Network, allowing viewers worldwide to participate in real time.”

And what type of Hope-things might you be able to electronically purchase? Aside from his gizzard? Not much has been specified yet – a signed pic of Lucille Ball, a cowboy hat from one of his movies and a Jamaican pot plantation.

Hey – people would just give him stuff, alright? Stop judging dead people, punk!

We made up the plantation. Mr. Hope isn’t known to have ever farmed anything – except laughs!

Now excuse us while we try that one on the USO.

Read More:

Bob Hope’s Personal Items To Be Auctioned – Reuters India

He doesn’t even appear to have been guaranteed sex on any level – not even a tonguing – and yet has paid for the equivalent of 8,000 anal sexes with Manfa, who has been hanging round the corners of hecklerstreet for four years now.

When asked what kind of an evening she’d give a man who had paid £40,100, Manfa said she’d “willingly go blind in both eyes,” and if he still wanted to go see the movie, that “with a film title like that, blindness may be a blessing,” before adding “maybe I’d go deaf for it too.” But that’s Manfa, and she really is a dirty whore. Five dollars for sex? That’s two pound fifty; cheaper than a Zinger Tower.

Scarlett Johansson is a different kettle of fish. Manfa can’t even afford a kettle, and certainly shouldn’t be trusted with the responsibility of caring for fish, especially in a kettle. She’d be so off her face on crack that she’d forget that this kettle was being used as a makeshift fish sanctuary and flip it on in preparation of sterilising a few needles and as she curls up on the floor in an all-too-short-lived foetus of ecstasy there’s gonna be fish carnage on her hands. 

But not Scarlett Johansson; one trip to the cinema with her is worth a lifetime of bumming Manfa, according to eBay username bossnour. Some other people wouldn’t be so quick to judge – Manfa does have a few perks, especially for the more aggressive fellow – and it’s probable that bossnour was not even made aware of Manfa’s services. Marie Claire reports:

The UK-based user, named bossnour, won the online auction, set up to benefit Oxfam, after beating off 695,183 interested parties and 170 other bids. The 10-day sale ended yesterday, and the fortunate fan will accompany Johansson to the premiere of her upcoming movie, He's Just Not That Into You in Los Angeles in June. 

Be that as it may, a trip to the cinema is a metaphorical mile away from Scarlett Johansson’s bumhole – just imagine what she could charge? The money, which has been donated to Oxfam, would be astronomical. Geldolf can put as many popstars on the global stage as he wants, but if Scarlett was to donate her ass to Oxfam, after about five years of honest donation, poverty would be history.

Read more:

Scarlett Johansson's $40,100 date - Marie Claire 

Luckily, though, we don't have to concern ourselves with that any more – Michael Jackson isn't going to lose Neverland any more.

Although it had been up for public auction next month, Michael Jackson has worked out a private agreement with an investment group to make sure that Neverland stays his. Bad luck everyone else – you'll just have to find another spooky dilapidated old ranch complete with its own nightmarish arrested-adolescent fairground and hard-to-remove, albeit legally-nonexistent, child abuse connotations to spend your money on.

Chances are if you're reading this, you're probably some sort of ghoulish millionaire interested equally in gaudy decor and inviting underage cancer sufferers round to get drunk on booze. And if that's the case, we've got some bad news for you.

Yes, we know that last month we told you that Neverland ranch was getting auctioned off next week because Michael Jackson defaulted on a property loan worth $24 million. And, yes, we know that the news got you quite excited and that in your head you'd probably already decided that your coffee table would look nice next to the creepy oxygen tent and that a new lick of paint would partially remove the unfounded sensation that Michael Jackson wanked off a lot of boys there. But we've got bad news.

Somehow, Michael Jackson has found the $24 million to save Neverland from being auctioned. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Michael Jackson reached an 11th-hour deal to refinance his troubled Neverland Ranch, his lawyer said Thursday, avoiding a public auction of the property that had been scheduled next week. Jackson attorney L. Londell McMillan told The Associated Press the pop star has worked out a "confidential" agreement with Fortress Investment Group LLC allowing him to retain ownership of the famed property in Los Olivos, Calif. "Neverland and MJ are fine," McMillan said.

And good for Michael Jackson – if Neverland was sold it'd probably be sold off as condos or turned into the world's least pleasant hotel resort, and the place has just got too much history for a sad ending like that. Who can forget, for instance, where Michael Jackson's staff all walked out because they hadn't been paid? Or the time when Michael Jackson was accused of treating his zoo animals with inhuman cruelty? Golden times, golden times. 

However, just because Michael Jackson has fended off the threat of public auction for now, don't think that he'll keep Neverland. He hasn't lived there since he was acquitted of molesting those children in 2005 and it's thought that he's now trying to sell it.

So maybe your dreams of owning a large property that you don't like to stay in because the creaking of the ferris wheel sounds like the tortured screams of the young can come true, after all!

Read more:

Michael Jackson will keep Neverland Ranch - LA Times 

Well we have just the property for you! Unless Michael Jackson ponies up $24 million in the next couple of weeks, his long cherished Neverland ranch will be going up for public auction.

That's right – there's nothing stopping you buying Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch. Apart from, you know, your chronic lack of money and that legally-disproved sensation you have in the pit of your stomach that a teenage cancer victim might have been wanked off there a lot. 

Admit, as a child you looked at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch with envy. You wanted what Michael Jackson had – a gigantic creepy shrine to your lost childhood best known for being the centre of several disturbing child abuse allegations. 

Well envy no more, because Michael Jackson has apparently defaulted on his Neverland property loan to such an extent that the ranch will be put up for public auction on March 19 if he doesn't stump up $24 million first. And that means that you're in the perfect position to take Neverland off his hands at a dramatically reduced rate, as E! Online reports:

A San Francisco-based title company said Tuesday that the 2,500-acre property in Los Olivos, California, might be sold at a public auction scheduled for Mar. 19 unless the financially beleaguered singer can come up with $24 million he still owes on the estate… Per court documents obtained by Fox News, the auction would really bleed the property dry. It would include not just the grounds and buildings on the property, but all of the furnishings, appliances and various child-friendly accoutrements Jackson has added over the years, including "all merry-go-round type devices." 

It's not really a surprise that Michael Jackson might lose Neverland – he hasn't lived there since he was cleared of those child abuse charges, for a start, plus he's subsequently got in trouble for not paying his staff and splashing about in pools of giraffe blood. And he even tried selling Neverland to the Beckhams, which is pretty much the dictionary definition of desperate.

But let's assume that Michael Jackson isn't able to find the money to keep his lenders at bay and Neverland does reach public auction. Just imagine what a giddy time you'd have as its new owner – you could have as many moonlit rides on the merry-go-round as you could stand before getting creeped out and running indoors to claw at your own flesh in the shower. You could be the first star of the new TV show Lifestyles Of The Rich And Unnaturally Obsessed With Childhood.

Heck, you might even find the odd bottle of Jesus Juice laying around if you look hard enough.

Plus, let's not forget that the global market crash means that you should be able to pick up Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch for a song. Honestly, lying stock-still at night wide-awake because of the constant involuntary shuddering you get from living in Michael Jackson's old house has never been so affordable.

Read more:

Block Party for Jacko's Neverland? – E! Online 

And that's why Madonna recently invited every single famous person alive to the United Nations to help raise money to save Malawi.

A noble gesture, sure, but not especially long-sighted – because now that Madonna's helping to get Malawi richer, she's effectively reducing the number of penniless illiterate Malawian widowers who she can confuse into letting her adopt their children in the future. Silly Madonna.

With the writers' strike threatening awards shows left right and centre, there haven't really been that many chances for lots of very famous people to mill around each other while silently cursing because Demi Moore's ankles are fractionally thinner than their own – but luckily Madonna has saved the day.

And it's all thanks to the shitty time that everyone in Malawi is having. On Wednesday night Madonna was the host of a party at the United Nations designed to help her charity Raising Malawi and UNICEF, and the place was overflowing with big names all dressed up to the nines, even if we suspect that most of them think that Malawi is a character from The Lion King. E! Online reports:

"I want to put Raising Malawi on the map," Madonna told E! News on why she decided to host the fund-raising evening. "I want to help vulnerable children around the world and to get other people to do the same." The evening was a combination dinner and live auction to raise money for the charity, followed by a cocktail party complete with requisite A-list musical guests… "I think it's incredible. It's so inspiring, and it makes everything else not seem so important and that's why we're here," [Gwen] Stefani told E! News.

There's a pretty good chance that Gwen Stefani was talking about jotting down what Madonna was wearing and then ripping it off on the cover of her next album rather than the whole Malawi thing, but let's not worry about that.

The biggest draw of the night was Madonna's auction, where people paid $350,000 for a trip to a sports stadium and a football lesson from David Beckham. The best result of the evening, though, was the 'tour with Madonna and then have a dancing lesson with Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow' lot, where someone effectively paid $600,000 to watch Madonna annoy the Pope and only ever shit through a brand-new toilet seat.

All in all, Madonna's Malwai party raised $3.7 million, even if it drew criticism for all the blatant advertising for Gucci plastered everywhere. Although it's not known where all the money raised will go, it's thought that it'll be split 50/50 between inhumanely punishing the people in Malawi who didn't want her to adopt David Banda a couple of years ago and erecting a giant wall around the perimeter of the country to stop Angelina Jolie from swooping in and adopting all the babies.

Those babies are Madonna's! You hear that, Angelina? They belong to Madonna now!

Read more:

Madonna & Friends Raise Funds for Malawi – E! Online 

And he wasn't the only one with a slightly unnatural obsession for John Lennon's hair – because this week an auction sold John Lennon's hair for $48,000. Not all of John Lennon's hair, you understand – that would be creepy – but just a lock of John Lennon's hair. A lock of John Lennon's hair in a bag that you can occasionally open and sniff, pretending that you and John Lennon are such close friends that he can put his hair in a bag and let you smell it. And that's what the mystery hair-buyer will probably do – either that or blast it into the sun, thereby creating an evil nuclear-powered John Lennon to brutally enslave the world with, like in Superman IV.

It was the anniversary of John Lennon's tragic death last Saturday, and nobody really seemed to notice. We blame Yoko Ono, obviously – not only did Yoko bugger things up by opening her John Lennon Light Tower two months early but she also failed to mark the anniversary in the traditional way, by letting a mental Turkish employee inject her with poison in her sleep. Shame on you, Yoko.

But fortunately not everyone forgot to mark John Lennon's death this week. Fans from around the world paid their respect to John Lennon by listening to his music, soaking in his peaceful Utopian worldview and selling clumps of his hair for enough money to buy a couple of good quality horses.

A lock of John Lennon's hair sold at auction by Gorringes this week for $48,000, smashing the original estimate of $6,000. Now, it might sound a lot, but is it something that you can put a price on? Really? John Lennon's hair? After all, mix the hair with some mosquito blood and you'll be able to start your own tropical John Lennon safari park where people can pay to see all sorts of John Lennons in the wild, like the angry beclawed carnivore John Lennons, the docile giant herbivore John Lennons and the John Lennons that look cute but then suddenly turn vicious and blind you with hawked-up globs of sticky acid. It's an investment, if anything.

Gorringes spokeswoman Francesca Collin is certainly pleased that a manky wodge of dead man's hair was capable of making so much money:

"It is astonishing that there is still so much interest in the Beatles and the sale goes to prove that John Lennon is still an icon. To have some of Lennon's hair along with a signed note from him really does give it fantastic provenance and authenticity."

However, John Lennon's hair wasn't the only piece of Beatle hair memorabilia to sell at the auction. A photo of the group that George Harrison had signed "George "Dandruff" Harrison" went for $13,000. And 18 giant potato sacks full of every single public hair that Ringo Starr has ever grown, from the first flush of puberty to the present day, was also snapped up by a mystery bidder for 12p and half a packet of Polos.

Read more:

Lock of Lennon's Hair Sells for $48,000 – Associated Press  

And what do you know, it has. Last night Hugh Grant auctioned off the Andy Warhol screen print of his entitled “Liz (Colored Liz”) in New York, and sold it for $23.7 million – seven times what he'd originally paid for it. Nobody knows what Hugh Grant will spend all this new Warhol money on – maybe he'll invest it back into art or try to develop a new kind of aerodynamic baked bean that flies better when you hurl it at a photographer – but the main thing is that it keeps Hugh Grant so busy that he doesn't get the chance to make any more films for a while.

Who'd have thought that Hugh Grant was in possession of a talent that doesn't involve basically playing the exact same character doing the exact same thing in a procession of romantic comedies so formulaic that they all may as well be called Hugh Grant Romantic Comedy 6: The One With Sandra Bullock In It or Hugh Grant Romantic Comedy 13: The One Where His Love Interest Is So Young You'll Feel Creepy Just Watching It?

But, anyway, he does. As well as being the the world's most miserably reluctant grouch of a film star – and being impossibly good at chucking foodstuffs at the paparazzi – it seems that Hugh Grant also has a keen eye for art. Especially high on Hugh Grant's art appreciation list is a little-known painter called Andy Warhol, who had a tiny part in that movie about Sienna Miller's vagina from earlier this year.

Apparently Hugh Grant bought a Warhol screen print of Elizabeth Taylor six years ago for $3.6 million. It might have been because Hugh Grant was a fan of Warhol's revolutionary screen print technique, or because Hugh Grant saw a picture called Liz, realised that his girlfriend at the time was also called Liz and that they both had dark hair, but whatever the reason it was a pretty sound investment, because last night Hugh Grant's Warhol was auctioned off at Christie's for $23.7 million.

It could have been more, of course – the painting had an estimate of up to $35 million, but only two people wanted it – but $23.7 million is nothing to be sniffed at. For example, we've worked out that with the $23.7 million that Hugh Grant earnt himself at the auction yesterday, he could buy 1,917,440 copies of Mickey Blue Eyes on DVD and spend the next 371 years watching them all end-to-end.

Again, anything that stops him from making films is OK with us.