Rosie O’Donnell Gets All Hubba Hubba Over Elisabeth Hasselbeck Fans of very specific, slightly nauseating, lesbian pornography get ready - Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck are going to get it on! Well, look, OK, Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck obviously aren't going to get it on at all, but that hasn't stopped Rosie O'Donnell calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck 'very attractive' during an interview with Howard Stern yesterday. We'll get to the details in a moment, but for now let's just mourn the fact that Rosie and Elisabeth aren't able to genetically create their own child - because it'd have to be part O'Donnell and part Hasselbeck, and we could earn all sorts of money running a book on whether it'd come out fat and intolerant or skinny and paranoid.

BBC Told To Make News Thicker

Because only old people watch BBC news, the BBC Trust wants news to be made 'more attractive' to the young, perhaps via the use of puppets or by having the conflict in the Congo explained in a freestyle rap by Chamillionaire.

Chairman of the BBC Trust Sir Michael Lyons has written to Mark Thompson, the Director-General, with a long list of things he wants the BBC to do better, but the main one is to make the news easier for thick people - or, as television people call them, 'low-approvers'. Keen to keep all the viewers it can in this multichannel age, the BBC is already responding - firstly by introducing a gormless 90-second round-up of the news after EastEnders and secondly by making sure that Question Time, Newsnight, Panorama, Real World, Sunday AM and The Politics Show now devote themselves entirely to Samanda from Big Brother and the wicked new trainers what Jeremy Paxman's just bought from JD Sports, innit.