Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Celebrity dregs Kerry Katona has posed in her grundies to show-off the fact that she now weighs marginally less than a manatee.
The mother-of-four blames her previous weight gain on the see-food diet; she saw it, she swallowed it, claiming to have gorged on ?bread and cheese?.
‘Bread and cheese’, in this instance we hope, actually means she scarfed down insane amounts of pizza and Ginster?s pasties.
You know what’s great about parents? The fact that, as soon as they produce a child, they somehow become immediately wise. They have a deeper insight into the world around them. They appreciate the nuances of life and…
…who we tryintah kid here? Most parents are gulping twerps.
One such ball-brain is Kerry Katona who has decided to have a go at her ex-husband Brian McFadden (formerly of Westlife, creator of this date-rape abomination which we’ll never stop sharing). Granted, it’s not odd that exes would spar, but for the sake of her children and to show what a good role-model she is, Katona has decided to attack McFadz in the press so everyone can see how ugly their relationship is.
Chav icon and?astonishing?dimwit Kerry Katona,?has been bothering the police after receiving phone calls from a suspected stalker who has obviously reached a low point in their life, given that they could have shown interest in ANYONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET!
It seems an American woman,?believed?to be called Stella, has been ringing Katona ‘non-stop for weeks’ and recently contacted the reality star’s manager Max Clifford, claiming to have watched her getting changed at her Surrey mansion.
Yes. Really.
Kerry Katona’s mum has told our all-time favourite Sunday tabloid ‘The Star on Sunday’ that she is going to help get her daughter’s life back on track after Kerry was dropped from her management last month.
And how is good ol’ Sue Katona going to achieve this? By encouraging Kerry to text ‘saucy messages’ to her ex. Not the Mark Croft one, the one that we cared about even less. Go mum!
“Sue has very much taken the reigns now and is determined to stop her spiralling out of control like she has so often in the past” ‘A source’ told The Star on Sunday. Because in a week of such a degree of illegitimate journalism, we just want to be honest with you.
Atomic Kitten. ?Remember them? They were good weren’t they? Oh, that’s right they were amazingly gash but they did release ‘Whole Again’, a song loved by chav women the world over and so heartbreakingly rubbish we once set fire to our own ears in disgust and swore we’d never listen to pop music EVER again.
Kerry Katona used to be in this terrible band until she ran off with potato faced Brian McFadden, shagged him so ferociously babies came out of her vagina and ended up pretending to shop in Iceland while not-so-secretly hoovering up big giant lines of white stuff on camera.
While she’s been on the telly for the past 80 years, blubbering about what a raging mess she is, the others have been quietly growing older and one of them even had a birthday party to celebrate another year of not quite being as famous as that mentalist Katona.
Do you ever get the feeling that popular TV has been taken over by aliens? There's something about how smooth and emotionless they are.
Look at them, pretending to be human, all the while being unable to make any recognisable facial expression, their taut, stretched skin weirdly aligned over their rough facsimile of human bone structure. Weird isn't it? No, not really. I'm not an idiot; it's all botox and ill-advised plastic surgery. Apart from that Fearne Cotton, she is clearly one of the lizard rulers from the lower levels of fourth dimensional space that David Icke is always banging on about.
Anyway, we all know that people on TV are botoxed up the wazoo, but one of the old members of Atomic Kitten has found a fun new place to inject that precious, precious fluid. Somewhere you might not expect (unless you have a particularly filthy mind, which, to be fair you probably do). Find out after the jump.
