The most touching part of President Obama’s inauguration ball was when Beyonce’s nipples performed At Last.

We’ve never seen nipple work like it. But while Barack Obama and the rest of the world were enchanted by Beyonce’s flawless rendition, one person wasn’t so keen – Etta James, the original performer of the song and the woman Beyonce played in Cadillac Records.

Apparently Etta James was so infuriated by the performance that she told a concert audience that Beyonce’s “gonna get her ass whupped.” Unlikely – Etta James is an old woman, and whupping an ass of Beyonce’s size would exhaust a professional cage fighter.

As far as intergenerational celebrity spats go, this is probably the best week of all time. Today we had Stephen King vs Stephenie Meyer, yesterday we had Hilary Duff vs Faye Dunaway and the day before that we had Christian Bale vs THE ENTIRE WORLD.

But before we start looking forward to tomorrow, when we hear that the entire cast of Gossip Girl is going to attack Elaine Stritch with hammers, we should tell you about yet another celebrity spat that’s flared up – Beyonce vs Etta James.

Beyonce and Etta James first started circling each other when it was revealed that Beyonce would be playing Etta in that Cadillac Records film that nobody saw. And it was a nice, mutually-exclusive relationship – Beyonce could star in a film that she could kid herself was Oscar-worthy while Etta James could be rediscovered by the six or so people who actually went to see the film – but then came Barack Obama’s inauguration, and that’s when things went tits up.

For whatever reason – we’re guessing it’s because she owned a dress that made her nipples look bigger than anyone else’s – Barack Obama chose Beyonce to perform At Last at his inauguration ball over Etta James. And that sent Etta James into enough of a meltdown to screech this at a concert audience in Seattle last week:

“You guys know your president, right? The one with the big ears? He ain’t my president. He might be yours… that woman he had singing for him…she’s gonna get her ass whupped. The great Beyonce…I can’t stand Beyonce.”

No, really, she did. Here’s the audio of it…

Genius. But, of course, this is just water off a duck’s back to Beyonce – Etta James is by no means the first veteran soul singer to round on her. Just last year Aretha Franklin got the hump with Beyonce for calling someone else ‘the queen’ instead of her. And where’s Aretha Franklin now, huh? She’s just a fat lady in a ridiculous hat.

Still, though, we can’t help but wish that this Beyonce/Etta James catfight had happened before Cadillac Records finished filming. After all, would you have gone to see a film where Beyonce plays a woman who grows up and comes to violently resent Beyonce, with an ending where Etta James Beyonce and Beyonce Beyonce have a Matrix-style battle on the roof of a burning building?

Shut up. Of course you bloody would.

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Tomorrow marks the first day of Barack Obama’s realisation that he can’t possibly live up to everyone’s expectations as president.

But who cares? More important is the song that will accompany President Obama’s very first dance on inauguration day. And, since you asked – it’s Beyonce singing At Last from her movie Cadillac Records.

It’s fortunate that Cadillac Records was Beyonce’s most recent movie – had Barack Obama’s inauguration happened three months later, Beyonce would have been forced to sing something from her upcoming Fatal Attraction rip-off movie, perhaps Stop Boning My Man or the whimsical I’ll Kill You, You Bitch (I’ll Kill You).

Beyonce has had some big moments in her life – she’s famous enough to start fights with Aretha Franklin and fall down some stairs onto her face – but nothing she’s ever done will prepare her for her job tomorrow. Because tomorrow Beyonce sings for the president.

You see, even though tomorrow marks the day that Barack Obama inherits the worst financial crisis since the Depression, countless pointless wars all over the world, a globally-resented country that’s quickly being overtaken by China economically and – worst of all – a contractual obligation to attend a Jonas Brothers concert, he’s putting a brave face on his inauguration.

And that’s because, regardless of what other catastrophes befall him in the next four years, at least Barack Obama gets to choose which song he gets to dance to first as president. And that song is At Last by Etta James.

Or, to be more specific, At Last by Etta James by Beyonce. You see, Beyonce’s last movie was Cadillac Records where she played Etta James. And, although Etta James is alive and well enough to perform At Last herself at the inauguration, she’s a bit old and fat these days – and having an old fat lady singing while Barack Obama has his first dance as president would completely send the wrong message to the world. So a younger, less talented Etta James facsimile with a nicer bottom it is. AP reports:

In a statement, Beyonce said: “I am so honored that I will be performing for President Obama and the first lady. To sing `At Last’ while they have their first dance is a dream come true. I could not be more honored and excited that they have asked me to be part of this moment in history.”

Actually, despite our teasing we’re thrilled for Beyonce. Performing the song that Barack Obama will dance to first as president means that Beyonce will now join the ranks of the immortal. It doesn’t matter what else she achieves in her career, by doing this Beyonce knows that her name will now live on forever as the answer to a low-scoring pub quiz question. Bravo, Beyonce. Bravo.

But just because Beyonce is singing a landmark song for potentially one of the best-loved presidents in history, it doesn’t mean that the other members of Destiny’s Child have been forgotten about. They’re also going to be performing a very important role at the inauguration day ball – seriously, those coats will never be checked more efficiently.

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