In the finest tradition of any parent of a popular tabloid celebrity, yet another money-making scheme has been hatched by Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay and rumoured father of future singing sensation (ahem) Ashley Kaufmann.

This has to be some kind of record, the speed at which the cynical wheels of the man's mind have been turning, pushing him ever closer to the seventh level of hell in his endless pursuit to make a quick buck from his family. For god's sake – it hasn't even been confirmed that Ashley is his daughter. To say hecklerspray is incredulous is something of an understatement. And when we understate, you know something is really up.

Yes, it has been revealed that Michael Lohan has approached a number of tabloid magazines, offering to sell his story (or potential story, as we should actually call it) for a rather tidy sum of cashmoney. The man doesn't even know if he is actually the parent of this girl, yet he already has contingency plans in the works to fatten his wallet through her.

What the fuck?

There's the sickening fact that Ashley Kaufmann already has something of a pop career lined up for her, solely on the strength that she might be the daughter of a bloke who popped out a sprog famous for getting wasted and flashing her lady-bits. That should have been it – that should have been bad enough. That should have been the thing that pushed our collective consciousness at hecklerspray over the chasm, into the endless void below, never to return.

But it wasn't – we remained strong. We fought through and we tried to make some sense of it. By golly gosh gee whizz – she might turn out to have some talent. It would be a novelty in the bloodline, that's for sure.

But this – this - is a step too far. We may be forced to renounce our semi-popular celebrity-bating ways and take up refuge in a remote monastery, praying to a god who may not even exist to help us. For we, as a human race, have been forsaken.

Ashley Kaufmann might not even be Michael Lohan's daughter, yet he's already trying to wring money out of her.

Do you see?

One more time?

She might not even be his daughter, yet he's already trying to wring money out of her.

Yes, there are claims that the money would be used to fund 'back child support' that ol' spunky (potentially) owes, but surely there are other ways to get a hold of this? And surely, just maybe possibly surely, there's an extra few dollah dollahs in it for he with the (allegedly) wayward penis? Call us cynical – please, do, we like it – but that's what we  at hecklerspray smell cooking.

But wait! Put down the razor blade, turn off the gas, take your head out of the cooker and untie that noose – there may yet be hope for civilisation as we know it! For the bods at People and OK! magazine have apparently turned down Lohan's approach! There's a chance that for once in this messed up, pointless and unfulfilling world that things have gone the way they should – that good prevails over evil, sense toes the line and we sit back, relax and enjoy things for a brief few minutes.

If you're listening god, which you probably aren't because you're off talking to insane people in the Bible Belt who no one will believe when they tell us all you spaketh to them: please stop Michael Lohan from doing this. If you do we'll bake you a fresh pasty, or even a cake – we might even say 'thank you'. It would be the first and last thanks you'd ever get from us, but we'd mean it. We really, really would.

OK everyone, you can put the nature vs nurture debate to bed now – the newly-discovered illegitimate half-sister of Lindsay Lohan proves that it's definitely nature.

Why? Because even though 13-year-old Ashley Kaufmann – the girl apparently sired by Michael Lohan during a month-long affair – was raised in a completely separate environment to Lindsay Lohan and Ali Lohan, she's still labouring under the mistaken belief that she's going to be a huge pop star.

According to reports, Ashley Kaufmann is busy trying to crack the music industry and has already made a number of approaches to record companies. Poor Ashley Kaufmann – we wonder if she's realised that she's genetically predestined to end up face down in a pile of drugs midway through an emotionally hollow Dionysian pansexual orgy yet. 

Call it a hunch, but we get the feeling that Michael Lohan likes women of an unbearably obnoxious bent. Why? Because he managed to have three children with Dina Lohan – a stage-mother so determined to live her life vicariously through her offsprings' psychologically demanding acting and singing careers that they made a TV show about her – and now it turns out that he might have had another kid with a woman named Kristi Kaufmann.

Now, we have no idea who Kristi Kaufmann is – other than the fact that she had a month-long affair with Michael Lohan while he was married and possibly became pregnant with his child – but she's clearly a force to be reckoned with.

Just a few days after her daughter Ashley Kaufman was outed as a possible illegitimate Lohan sister, Kristi Kaufmann has managed to get the teenager's photo into OK! and In Touch magazine and big up her nascent career as a recording artist all in one go. Here's MSNBC with more:

Alleged illegitimate Lohan sister Ashley Kaufmann, is reportedly trying to follow in the footsteps of her possible half-sisters Lindsay and Ali by approaching studios about cutting a record deal. A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.” A Lohan family source adds, “Ashley’s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael (Lohan), not Dina Lohan.”

Now it'd be highly irresponsible of us to single out an individual member of the Lohan family to attribute that last quote to, but let's have a go anyway – "the family talent comes from Michael, not Dina Lohan." Who could have possibly said that? No, we give up. Was it Dina?

Anyway, you know what? We're actually looking forward to hearing Ashley Kaufmann's music, because that's the only way we'll truly discover whether she's a Lohan or not. Yes, we know that the results of Michael Lohan's DNA test will come back long before Ashley actually releases anything, but we all know in our heart of hearts that Ashley Kaufmann won't be a real Lohan until she's recorded a song about what an uncaring dick Michael Lohan is.