Kids, if you ever want to be famous, don’t forget the importance of having sex with high-ranking government officials for cash.

That’s what Ashley Dupré did, and it’s been the making of her. Since being named as the prostitute who led to the downfall of former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, Ashley Dupré has become a megastar. She can’t even leave her house anymore without people recognising her and shouting encouraging messages like “I know you! You’re that whore!” and “Hey Little Miss Grubbyknickers! Here’s some money! Eat this!”

In fact Ashley Dupré is now so famous that she’s got her own episode of 20/20 coming up where she gets to reveal that she doesn’t feel responsible for Eliot Spitzer’s resignation, the emotions she experienced as the scandal unfolded and the way that she feels ‘connected’ to Eliot Spitzer’s wife – which we think might be code for crabs or syphilis or something, though we couldn’t say for certain.

We have to tip our hat to ABC at the moment. We don’t know how it’s doing it, but somehow it’s managing to find all the stories that everybody cared about half a year ago but don’t any more and give them all super-long documentaries for no apparent reason whatsoever. ABC, you deserve a medal.

Seriously, thanks to you we’ve learnt all about Peter Cook’s divorce from Christie Brinkley several months after it stopped being interesting, and we’ve learnt all about the pregnant man long after he stopped being even vaguely controversial – so what now? Oh, that whole ‘Eliot Spitzer banging a whore’ thing! Nobody’s thought about that since about April, so it must be time to drag it all out back into the open again, right?

Apparently so. Despite doing her best to lay low since being implicated in the vice ring that brought down New York Governor Eliot Spitzer by only being endlessly discussed by Donald Trump and appearing on a low-rent soft pornography DVD and almost getting her own TV show, Ashley Dupré has finally decided to break the silence that we’re told she’s apparently been keeping on a special edition of 20/20.

Perfect. This Ashley Dupré interview will have something for everyone, provided that a) you’re into the human interest side of political scandals, b) you’ve been in a coma since April and all of this still seems like news to you and c) prostitutes! Woo!

So what shocking and still completely newsworthy nuggets of fact does Ashley Dupré reveal in her 20/20 interview? ABC has more. And remember Ashley, extra points if you can phrase your answer in an unfortunate way:

Dupré told ABC News’ Diane Sawyer that she does not feel responsible for Spitzer’s downfall. “If it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else,” she said. “I was doing my job. I don’t feel that I brought him down.”

Very good. That was an impressively unfortunate way for a prostitute to discuss one of her clients. Full marks, Ashley.

But what of the future? Well, even though she’s so famous that she could probably live quite comfortably on a handful of blowjobs a year now, in the interview Ashley Dupré reveals that she has actually quit whoring to concentrate on establishing her singing career full-time.

It’s foolish for Ashley Dupré to want to switch from being a prostitute to being a pop star – the two professions are so far apart. After all, being a pop star involves brutal, near-constant degredation that saps your will to live and often leads to habitual drug use and grotty bunk-ups with middle-aged men who promise that they’ll help your career and… oh, wait.

Ashley Dupré’s going to be a brilliant pop star.

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Ashley Dupré doesn’t just get to have tawdry, regret-filled sex with every ugly old man that offers her cash any more, as if that wasn’t enough.

No, now Ashley Dupré gets to be on TV because of it as well, the lucky cow. Although up until now she was most famous for being the high-end prostitute who had sex with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer until he had to resign because of it, Ashley Dupré is apparently in talks to star in her own reality TV show.

Honestly, she is. As yet nobody seems to know if Ashley Dupré will star in a Simple Life-style fly-on-the-wall reality TV show or a Tila Tequila-style dating show, but at the moment the latter seems to be out in front. Quite right too, because that’s the only way that they’ll ever get to use the title Ashley Dupré: Who Wants Me To Kiss Them With The Same Mouth I Recently Had Wrapped Around A Bald Old Man’s Penis For Cash?

Kids, if you’re reading this then there’s something you should know. You’ll never accomplish anything by working hard. Maybe you’ll wind up with an anonymous middle-management job in a generic strip-lit office, but you’ll never really accomplish anything. For that you’d probably be better off becoming a whore.

That’s what Ashley Dupré did, and things are working out just dandy for her. Because, thanks to her gainful employment spent charging thousands of dollars for a series of businesslike, slightly depressing bunk-ups, Ashley Dupré is a megastar.

After news of the Spitzer scandal broke and she was outed as a hooker, Ashley Dupré has been busy fending off professional advances from Donald Trump while trying to keep a video of her whapping out her underage boobies from being released. She’s not a whore, you know. OK, technically she is a whore, but… look… oh, we’ve lost our point. She’s a whore. We think that was it.

More than that, though, Ashley Dupré is a whore with a reality TV show in the pipeline. What a lucky whore. The New York Daily News reports:

Ashley Dupré, 23, has been negotiating with Los Angeles-based Handprint Entertainment on a reality show, possibly one focusing on her dating men for free, E! News Online reported. The program would require Dupré to move to the West Coast, E! News claimed. “They’re talking to MTV about Ashley being the next Tila Tequila,” a source told E!

We honestly hope this reality TV show thing pans out for Ashley Dupré, because it would make our day to see her in a dating show. Just think of the demographic it’d attract – the exact venn diagram overlap of grubby blokes who don’t mind going on TV to publicly compete for the affections of a woman who lets men dick her for money and grubby blokes who want to sleep with prostitutes but can’t afford to. Genius.

And if Ashley Dupré can salvage her reputation with a reality TV show, then maybe Eliot Spitzer can do the same. Best of all, he’d probably do it for scraps of food at the moment.

We’ve got nothing but sympathy for Ashley Dupre – after all, who hasn’t performed sexual acts on a high-ranking politician for cash these days?

And if a scandal about you being a massive whore with a slightly gross-looking New York governor isn’t bad enough, the inevitable follow-up story about the way you took your clothes off for a teen-exploiting series of softcore videos is just utterly degrading.

That’s why we’re fully behind Ashley Alexandra’s decision to sue Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis for $10 million because he quickly released a 2003 video of her flashing her breasts in the wake of the scandal as a money-making enterprise. She’s completely correct – if she didn’t chase Joe Francis for cash, then what kind of filthy prostitute would Ashley Dupre be? A shit one, that’s what.

Britain’s Got Talent, American Idol, that rubbishy Graham Norton thing about Oliver Twist – all those contestants are deluding themselves. All they want is fame, and they’re going about it the wrong way. Statistically, the chances of you winning X Factor are minuscule – you stand a much better chance of becoming famous if you fuck a politician for cash, everyone knows that.

Ashley Dupre knows that, anyway. Every since she was uncovered as the prostitute at the centre of the Eliot Spitzer scandal, she’s been everywhere. Her face has been in newspapers constantly, the songs on her MySpace page have been thoroughly analysed – play them backwards and we’re told you hear “$500 for straight sex, or $1,000 to put it up my bumhole” – she’s been approached to appear in porn magazines and even Donald Trump’s got his eye on her.

So if Ashley Dupre plays her cards right, she might become the most successful prostitute since those women who Jack The Ripper stabbed to death. Especially if that $10 million lawsuit against Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis comes off.

You see, back in 2003, Ashley Dupre was filmed by Girls Gone Wild dancing around and flashing her breasts a lot. Nothing wrong with that, you might think – even sleazy overlords of morally-suspect softcore porn empires have to put dinner on their tables – but now Ashley Dupre says that she was filmed when she was just 17. And everyone knows that 17-year-olds don’t know anything about contracts. Especially, as the New York Post reports, when they’re blasted off their minds on booze:

Ashley Alexandra Dupre filed a lawsuit Monday in Miami federal court claiming she never gave “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis permission to use her name and likeness to advertise the videos. Dupre contends she was 17 and not old enough to sign a contract when the videos were taken in 2003 in Miami Beach. People.com said the lawsuit is for $10 million, and alleges that reps from the nudey video empire plied her with alcohol before getting to flash her breasts when she was only 17.

$10 million dollars is a vast amount of money for anyone, and our calculations suggest that Ashley Dupree would have to keep a man’s penis in her mouth for 2,500 hours – about three and a half months – without rest to earn that kind of cash normally.

But who knows what the outcome of this lawsuit will be. Maybe Ashley Dupre will win, maybe the judge will rule in favour of Girls Gone Wild and maybe, just maybe, we’ll get to write an article about something other than underage nudity sometime soon. That way it wouldn’t take as long to scrub the shame from our skin at the end of the day. Some days we think we’ll never get clean.

Read more:

ASHLEY DUPRE SUES ‘GIRLS GONE WILD’ OVER PICTURES – NYP