Ashley Cole - HecklerSpray

Ashley Cole! Read The Lyrics To ‘Screw You’ By Cheryl Cole

March 29th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Despite the rumours that persist about Ashley Cole, he went and got married to Cheryl from Girls Aloud (despite the rumours that persist about her too). All was going swimmingly until Ashley started fooling around.

Overnight, the heartache meant that Cheryl Cole because the people’s princess. We forgot all about that toilet attendant business. Ashley Cole was public enemy number one!

And so, after a quiet spell, Chezza is back with a new song called Screw You and, well, while there’s no official word on it, it does sound a lot like a barbed attack on a certain ex husband. And the lyrics are rather fruity too!

Cher Lloyd Admires Tulisa’s Balls

August 5th, 2011 By Kris Silver

Cher Lloyd, you remember her don't you? She's that one what didn't win the X Factor and is still famous for some reason despite not having actually done anything to earn it.

Well, she's back in the news this week after accusing new X Factor judge Tulisa off of the N-Dubz of secretly being a hermaphrodite.

Lloyd was quoted as saying that Contos? Contstav? Tulisa has, ?got balls,? a revelation that is sure to send the N-Dubz star nuts.

Ashley Cole Has Had Some Flings Because He Definitely Likes Women More Than Men

July 21st, 2011 By hecklerspray staff

Cheryl Cole must be practising her best disappointed / all out of love face in the mirror again, because on again, off again, on again, off again, on again (off again?) ex-husband Ashley Cole is facing fresh allegation that as a single man he has slept with a lady or two, you know, cause he likes women and their vaginas.

After their divorce last year Cheryl has been linked to bleached blonde, male dancer Derek Hough (it might be fair to say she has a type) while Ashley has been free to run around playing with his phone and shooting work experience boys with air rifles. How manly of him.

It must have been this display of pure brute macho-ism that attracted Chezza back to Ashley, she is, after all, from Newcastle; and naturally the papers have been rife with rumours of weddings and babies and other things to distract people from the fact that golden girl Cheryl has been sacked from not one, but two major television shows in the space of a week.

Suicidal Louis Walsh Blabs About Cheryl Cole’s Love Life Like An Idiot

July 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Louis Walsh. He’s been on the brink of a nervous breakdown since the last series of The X Factor when he got spectacularly angry about the existence of the film, Gummo. We’ve assumed that he’s been going under thanks to working with Jedward.

That or some suffocating closeting he’s imposed on himself surrounding rumours of his sexuality.

And the latest Louis Walsh’s Brain Is About To Completely Capsize tale surrounds his wanting to end his life. Suicide, obviously, is utterly hilarious and should be mocked at every noose, pill bottle and 2 bar heater dropped in the bath water.

Kimberley Walsh Misplaces Cheryl Cole In America

July 13th, 2011 By Michael Park

Worrying reports are flooding into the bedsit that Girls Aloud and (apparently) solo star Kimberley Walsh has managed to misplace long-time friend and band-mate Cheryl Cole while on holiday in America. News in recent weeks has suggested that Cheryl is trying to get her PR disaster of a career back on track but this latest navigational disaster could be the death-knell in the coffin of Chezza’s dreams of cracking America.

Cole and ‘Bez Friend Fo’evvvvaaaaa’ Kimberley Walsh had been enjoying a short holiday in Los Angeles for the past week but concerns have been raised when Walsh was seen at London’s Heathrow airport Arrivals area without her former band-mate.

The pair had been enjoying nights out in Hollywood with Cheryl’s brother Garry, not to mention hooking up with?Dancing With The Stars professional, Derek Hough. We’re not quite sure what ‘hooking up’ means in this context but if it transpires that anyhting has happened to the Geordie songstress and Will.I.Am fancier then he will have to numero uno on the list of suspects.

Cheryl Cole Wants Kids, Ashley Cole Wants To Get In The Glossies Again: Win, Win Right?

July 4th, 2011 By Michael Park

Many of the UK’s “press outlets” have been reporting the reunion of Cheryl “Beat up a woman in a toilet” Cole and Ashley “shot a work experience kid with an air gun” Cole today.?This is, to the tabloids, a moment on par with the a renunion of Big Ears from Noddy & the ‘Queen of Hearts’. To readers of The Sun, that’s pretty much what this is.

Of course, hecklerspray would be remiss in its duty as the last bastion of celebrity “commentators” if we didn’t scream our glassy-eyed opinion straight down the smoking barrel of the internet straight into the faces of people who either adore the couple on a level that is painful and embarrassing or hate them in equal measure. You might be wondering what our collective opinion of the couple is; wonder on readers. Wonder on.

With newspaper reports suggesting that Cheryl will walk down the aisle with Ashley once again, speculation has surfaced as to what their intentions are.

Pete Wentz Is Back! Wait… Who?

January 27th, 2011 By Kris Silver

The organisers of Hard Rock Calling, that sort of festival like thing that happens in Hyde Park every summer that isn't the O2 Wireless festival, have decided that former Fall Out Boy bassist and pioneer of the musical equivalent of object d?, Pete Wentz, is a suitable choice for a battle of the bands judge.

Right? RIGHT?

If you're lucky enough to have forgotten the mid noughties, here?s a crash course in all things Pete Wentz:

Water Comes Out Of Cheryl Cole’s Face While Talking About Ashley To Pudding Faced Piers Morgan

October 15th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

The past 12 months has been weird for Cheryl Cole. She’s got malaria, which no-one ever gets because it’s a bloody tropical disease… and she got divorced from her husband… which in fairness, is very common in this country.

Neither of these things are particularly pleasant to go through, so when prodded and poked by a man with a face that looks like it is made from suet, there’s a good chance all the pain and anguish will rise up through your eye-sockets.

And that’s exactly what happened when Cheryl did an interview on TV show, Piers Morgan’s Life Stories.

My Trip to London by Michael Park (Aged 5 & 1/2)

October 5th, 2010 By Michael Park

Hello, Mister Hecklerspray.

I went to London and am on my way back to my house from London station. When I was in London I saw the sights and went to some shops and ate some nice food. When I was on Columbia Road looking at shops that sold things for my house, I saw Danny Wallace. He had strange eyebrows. Also, when we went to Harrods I saw their Christmas teddy bear and a pair of philandering adulterers.

I had a lovely time in London.

From,

Michael. xx

Ashley Cole Is Apparently Brilliant At Sex. Also, Bleurgh

July 1st, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Ashley Cole has more than his fair share of problems at the moment. There’s his recent divorce from Cheryl Cole.

There’s that ‘I hate England’ text message. There’s the fact that his place in the World Cup squad could have been filled by a blind toddler and nobody would have really noticed any different. There’s the fact that, by all accounts, he seems like a bit of a turd. The list goes on.So Ashley Cole needs cheering up. Perhaps someone could publicly describe sex with him in unnecessary detail. That’d help. Obviously everyone reading would end up crying and pooing and weeing and puking in an involuntary display of profound disgust, but if it makes Ashley happy again, so be it.

What? Someone has described sex with him? Hold on, we feel a cry and a poo and a wee and a puke coming on.