Articles tagged with: Ashley Cole
Premiership footballers? Not exactly the most likeable bunch in the world, are they? Never has failure been rewarded so richly than in the top flight of English football. Apart from maybe the banking sector – but that's a whole different story. They turn up for a few hours of training four days a week, play a match at the weekend and sometimes in midweek and earn a fortune doing it. Sickening, isn't it? Jealous? You bet we are.
Watching Cheryl Cole on X Factor, chances are all you see is a phenomenal amount of make-up and a voice that makes you want to scratch your own spine off. But what you don't see is the sadness behind Cheryl Cole's eyes. The sadness of a woman whose husband got hammered on booze once and ended up having all sorts of depraved puke-sex with a slapper who wasn't her. Actually you can't see that at all any more, because Cheryl Cole isn't sad at all. In an appearance on Jonathan Ross to be shown on Friday, Cheryl Cole wore her wedding ring and told everyone that she's patched up her marriage once and for all. The moral of this story, obviously, is that true love endures. And that if you earn £100k a week you can probably get away with vomiting over a few slags every now and then.
Ashley Cole, kicker of balls and shagger of hairdressers, has been voted the worst husband EVER by the readers of ladies’ mag Eve.
Ashley, who cheated on his singer and fan of assault occasioning actual bodily harm wife, Cheryl, late last year, apparently received over half the votes in the poll. Well done, Ashley. At least you’re winning something.
It’s got to be hard to top the list of anything. We at hecklerspray can only manage number 45 in a list of the WORLD’S most powerful blogs, after all. But think about it; Ashley Cole is now officially a worse husband than Fred West. Definitely. He is.
Ashley Cole is about to pay the heaviest price for his infidelities so far - his skinny wife is banning him from having it off with her.
Just because Cheryl Cole has taken Ashley Cole back after his constant cheating, it doesn't mean that she's a complete pushover - she's apparently slapped him with a six-month sex ban.
Genius. It's obvious that if you stop having sex with a man who has a known history of shagging other women, he definitely won't go out and shag the first fake-tanned slapper he sees in the first pikey nightclub he goes to. That's a flipping certainty. Someone should give Cheryl Cole a medal.
Historians know that the end of the Napoleonic War came when Napoleon's wife had drunken vomity sex with another man and the Duke of Wellington felt a bit sorry for him.
And now history has repeated itself. Following the revelation that Cheryl Cole's husband Ashley Cole loved nothing more than to dick a bunch of slappers while throwing up the contents of his guts all over them, Cheryl Cole's arch-nemesis Lily Allen has called a truce.
That's right - the ferocious Allen-Cole war is over. Maybe if politicians were more like Lily Allen the world would be a better place. Although if more politicians were like Lily Allen there'd be a lot more shambling amateurish BBC Three chat shows. Probably best that they're not, then.
Cheryl Cole - Girls Aloud's most ferociously forthright member - has apparently cracked and got back together with her cheating husband Ashley Cole.
According to reports, Cheryl Cole took Ashley Cole back during their make or break crisis summit earlier in the week, and now they'll live happily ever after. Apart from her, because she'll have probably turned into a full-blown quivering paranoid wreck before the month is out.
But, hey, there's a moral to this - it's OK to nationally humiliate your wife by throwing up on a variety of other women during sex, because she'll inevitably take you back afterwards. But only so long as you're quite rich.
It's been a few weeks since Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole for puking on another woman during sex, and you were probably hoping it was all over.
Wrong! Just because Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole, it didn't mean that she's actually left him. Cheryl might even take him back, if she can get over Ashley breaking the sacred marriage vow about only splattering his stomach contents on her during sex til death do them part.
And that'll all be figured out today as Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole have their dramatic make or break showdown. Which will probably be streamed live on Sky News for all the bloody attention it's getting.
Cheryl Cole is not only planning a divorce, but an STI check too, as she is worried that her husband Ashley’s penis may have infested her vagina with the fanny bacteria of Brooke Healy, according to The Star. Brooke, a model, recently claimed that the marauding Chelsea left back managed to slip one into her empty net, having told her that he doesn’t like having a goalie involved, as they ruin the feeling he gets as his ball ripples round the back of the net.
It should be said that it's never been confirmed that Ashley Cole has just the one ball.
