Bronx Mowgli Wentz is a combination of words so stupid that it makes people want to punch themselves in the face just for saying it out loud.

So, by deciding to name his firstborn child Bronx Mowgli Wentz, Pete Wentz opened up a real can of borderline child abuse. In fact, the outrage over the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz has been so huge that Pete Wentz has been forced to explain the vast secrets behind its meaning. Ready to have your minds blown?

OK – he and Ashlee Simpson chose Mowgli as a name because they quite like The Jungle Book. Astounding, we know. But Pete Wentz wants to keep the meaning behind the Bronx part of the name a secret. He won’t have much luck, though, because scientists have already boiled the meaning down to either a) Pete Wentz quite likes the Bronx, b) Ashlee Simpson quite likes the Bronx or c) they are both clueless fartwhumps.

Conspiracy theorists, it’s time to go home. We know you got excited when Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson decided to name their baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz because you thought that the only explanation a name that judderingly shit is that it was part of some shadowy Da Vinci Code-style authoritarian cabal. But, really, it’s not that interesting.

It’s not even that the initials of Bronx Mowgli Wentz deliberately spell BMW because Pete Wentz wants a new car. It’s not even that, for God’s sake.

After putting up with literally seconds of idle speculation about why he and Ashlee Simpson settled on Bronx Mowgli Wentz – although, to be fair, most of that speculation did revolve around the notion that he and/or Ashlee Simpson had developed some sort of horrible degenerative brain disease – Pete Wentz has had enough. He’s ready to finally tell the world the complex meaning behind Bronx Mowgli Wentz. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Wentz reveals Mowgli was inspired by the lead character in Rudyard Kipling’s classic story, but he’s refusing to reveal why they chose Bronx, also the name of one of New York’s five boroughs. Speaking on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show on Tuesday, Wentz says, “‘The Jungle Book’ was something that me and Ashlee bonded over. It’s a cool name”.

Firstly, congratulations to the San Francisco Chronicle for suggesting that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simspon fell in love over a piece of classic Rudyard Kipling literature instead of the less impressive probable truth – that Ashlee Simpson saw a big dancing bear with coconuts for boobs on a cartoon once and she laughed until a fart came out.

Secondly, that was hardly much of a bloody secret, was it Pete Wentz? “You know the only recorded use of the word Mowgli in any medium in all of history? Yeah, we named him Mowgli because of that.” Thanks for filling us in, Pete. We would have been completely in the dark without your help.

Honestly, you can’t just name your babies after things you like. We happen to like watching lots of degrading pornography, but we’re hardly going to call our children Butt Sluts 4, are we? What if this catches on, Pete Wentz? What if Jessica Simpson falls pregnant and decides that she wants to name the baby after something she likes? Did you ever think of that?

Because, honestly, we’re sure that the last thing Bronx Mowgli Wentz wants is a baby cousin called Shitawful Reality Show Sham Marriage Simpson.

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