However, we didn’t know what Tom Cruise and Oprah were going to discuss during Tom’s interview – until now. Because now it seems like it’s mostly about Tom Cruise’s arse.

Part of Oprah’s interview – conducted at Tom Cruise’s Colorado home – involved Oprah riding on Tom’s snowmobile, an experience that left Oprah blithering on about Tom Cruise’s butt and adding that she now knows what Katie Holmes sees in him. Financial gain despite an outwardly unconvincing relationship? Yep, actually that sounds about right.

At the end of the week and the beginning of next week, Tom Cruise returns to Oprah for the first time since he kicked his career to death by leaping all over her sofa like a 1950s housewife who’d just seen a mouse. To call the Cruise/ Oprah interviews highly-anticipated would be a gross understatement – Jesus could return to Earth on Friday morning and he’d be greeted with impatient shushes until Oprah’s ad breaks.

There’s so much for Oprah Winfrey to grill Tom Cruise about, you see, like the way his religious beliefs have crocked his career, or the real reasons behind the postponement of his new movie – even Tom Cruise’s feud with Brooke Shields happened after Tom Cruise’s last appearance on Oprah, and that was way back when people still liked Tom Cruise.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. So what did Oprah choose to mainly focus on during her time in Colarado? That’s right – Tom Cruise’s shitter. During the filming of an episode in Las Vegas recently to announce the comebacks of Tina Turner and Cher – what is it with Oprah Winfrey’s ability to reanimate the dead? – Oprah let a couple of Tom Cruise factoids slip out, as USA Today reports:

Winfrey also spoke of having just come from the home of Tom Cruise in Telluride, Colo., for his first Oprah appearance since his infamous couch-jumping moment in 2005. Winfrey quipped that she did not jump on Cruise’s couch, and she spoke of holding on to him during a snowmobile ride. “There’s something about being scooched up to his butt that makes you want to sing Take Me Home, Tom,” Winfrey said. “Now I know what (his wife) Katie (Holmes) sees!”

Well, not exactly what Katie sees, since we imagine that’s mostly the inside of a cage and a yellowing water bottle, but good for Oprah anyway. There’s nothing like implied sexual tension between a man who’s been constantly plagued by gay rumours and a woman who some people think is a lesbian to bump up the ratings a notch or two during sweeps, is there?

Actually, we’re making out that Oprah’s interview with Tom Cruise was a lot more arse-centric than it actually was – Oprah also promised that Scientology and Tom’s relationship with Katie Holmes and his daughter Suri would be examined as well, although chances are the most hard-hitting stuff will be drowned out by the noise of a few thousand menopausal women wetting their knickers and screaming a lot.

But despite Oprah’s efforts to big the interviews up, we’ll have to just watch Friday and Monday’s editions of Oprah to see how revelatory the Tom Cruise interviews really are. Oh, wait, we ‘ve just remembered – we’re not unemployed housewives.

Oh well, we’re sure it’ll end up on the internet somewhere.

Read more:

What happened on ‘Oprah’ taping didn’t stay in Vegas – USA Today

Take the bottom for example. There are tons of alternative words for this piece of flesh. Ass, arse, batty, behind, booty and bum are just some of the brilliant ways to describe it. Sometimes you may have to come to terms with your own bottom while having a shower in the morning. There you see yourself in all your hideous glory. So it’s not like you’d be shocked to see an image of an arse on TV, is it? Apparently so.

NYPD Blue recently showed an episode which depicted a female arse. Not a problem you’d think. Well it is, and there may be some punishment to the network ABC.

America is a glorious nation. It's the frontrunner for telling the rest of the world how to live their lives, a global leader on fighting the war on terror, it won’t let other countries develop nuclear missiles and it's got a leader who won’t sign a piece of paper to cut evil gases emitting into the atmosphere which will consequently see the world imploding. 

With all these serious issues going on, you’d have thought that America would be quite liberal to less serious matters. Of course not, anything that could potentially turn the innocence of a child in to a sex-wielding maniac after seeing a bit of flesh has to be stopped.

Though saying that, Jamie Lynn Spears is probably the perfect example of how a bit of nudity can influence girls into committing acts of underage sex with blokes who should know better.

It’s not the first time that America has grinded to a halt after witnessing a bit of flesh. Who can forget Janet Jackson getting her chest pillows out at the Super Bowl? That’s a sight that nobody really wants to see. We’ve had those sorts of problems before, incidentally, although the police officers wouldn’t take our story of our trousers accidentally falling down inside a strip club seriously. What do they know? 

So what exactly upset several American viewers and forced them to gouge their own eyes out? After a repeat of NYPD Blue from 2003 was shown, the BBC reports that 'multiple, close-up views' of a woman's buttocks were broadcast before the US watershed. Oooh, multiple encounters showing something that both men and women have. Could it get anymore offensive? Apparently so:

“The scene in the police drama shows a boy surprising a naked woman as she prepared to take a shower. The FCC said it received several complaints about the sequence, which also showed one of the woman's breasts.”

Hmm, we could see why this may cause a few problems – but if reports are to be believed, a warning was issued before the shows going out: 

“An ABC spokeswoman said that the program was broadcast with parental warnings and that "the realistic nature of NYPD Blue's storylines was well-known to the viewing public". 

We can believe that. When was the last time the police busted a crack den and let the occupants dress appropriately before being sent downtown? Never, that’s when. But because it seems most Americans want to live in a fairytale land which is wrapped up in glittery cotton wool, a fine of $1.4m is going to be imposed on the network that broadcast the scene.

But it doesn’t stop there. The fine will be placed upon all 52 stations that showed the episode. It just goes to show that there's nothing as evil as arses. Which sort of makes hip-hop videos worse than Hitler. We think. 

Read more:

US network faces $1m nudity fine – BBC 

And of all the transitions a woman can make, it's probably the hardest one – one minute you're crying over pictures of sad third-world orphans and the next minute you're having your head chopped off by Ray Winstone's virtual sword in a sexy way – but it's one that Angelina Jolie can make without even breaking her stride. And how did Angelina Jolie do this? By turning up to the London Beowulf premiere in a pair of leather trousers so skin-tight that her bum-stitches burst wide open, forcing Brad Pitt to spend the rest of the evening trying to cover up Angelina's arse-spillage with his hands, that's how!

Angelina Jolie has travelled to some of the world's most desolate places, either in her much-vaunted role as a UN-appointed humanitarian ambassador or just because she heard they were selling orphans off cheaply there. But our point is that Angelina Jolie thrives in these places, whether she's giving birth in Namibia or moving to New Orleans just to raise the spirits of the flood-ravaged locals.

But those places were a piece of cake compared to London, where everything literally fell to pieces for Angelina Jolie.

This weekend Angelina Jolie attended the London premiere of her new movie Beowulf with Brad Pitt and, even though it's just her voice and a clump of pixels mashed into a vaguely Jolie shape in the movie, Angelina decided to give the red carpet crowd exactly what they wanted.

Smiles and autographs? Yes, but we don't mean that. A full-on smooch with Brad Pitt in front of the world's press? That happened too, but what we're talking about is Angelina Jolie turning up in a pair of trousers so tight that the bum-seam split wide open, meaning that Brad Pitt had to spend the rest of the premiere with his hand clamped over Angelina's arse like some sort of dirty bum pervert.

If Angelina Jolie's bum-split wasn't bad enough, she also managed to tread in a wad of chewing gum as well, messing up her Christian Louboutin stilettos in the process. But, hey, it could be worse – as far as wardrobe malfunctions go, split trousers and gummy shoes are fairly minimal. It's not as if Angelina Jolie kicked an old pair of knickers out from the bottom of her trousers, is it?

And, seriously, since the average Londoner's day involves standing in a dirty, sweltering, expensive, overcrowded tin can snaking underneath the city with their face rammed into a sweaty bloke's stinking armpit, constantly worrying that overzealous police marksmen will shoot them dead just because they look a bit foreign, we'd say Angelina got off lightly.

Plus, by bursting her trousers open, Angelina Jolie has secured Beowulf more publicity than it was ever going to get. Let's just all be thankful that Tom Cruise didn't choose to do something similar at the London premiere of Lions For Lambs.