Piers Morgan, the ever lovable former Daily Mirror editor and man for whom the word smarmy was invented, certainly has gotten his large, soiled knickers in a twist of late.

We’re not even half way through the week and he’s already attempted to take some cheap shots at 2 people who are infinitely more famous and loved than him.

It’s the equivalent of the school weed slagging off the popular kids because they won’t invite him to their fancy pool parties when their parents go to Tuscany for the weekend.

On Monday, Morgan went on Chelsea Lately, one of the billions of late night talk shows more popular than his own in the States, to have a pop at Madonna, claiming that the baby catcher’s Super Bowl performance was akin to that of, “a gruesome drunken Aunt.”

TAKE THAT MADONNA! You just got served. Piers Morgan, a man who will struggle to get the same amount of viewers all year that you got during your brief Super Bowl half-time show, just told you how it went down!

Why don’t you start acting your age and visit a W.I. meeting once in a while, huh!?

After dispatching of her Madgesty, Piers pointed his pistol of perfunctory towards former footballer, Match of the Day presenter and UN ambassador for crisps, Gary Lineker.

Morgan decided to brag to the former Spurs star about a review he got in the San Fransisco Chronicle, praising his talents as a football pundit on Fox TV. Lineker went on to question how long Morgan had spent searching for that, lone, positive review, to which Morgan replied, one can only assume with a look of post-mastubatory smugness plastered across his sweaty brow:

“I currently air in 200 countries/territories – how you getting on? #SmallPondMinnow”

Despite forgetting to mention that even though he’s aired in 200 territories, he still only draws a crowd of about 6, Morgan mopped the mix of bile and man lather from his keyboard and went to make a cup of tea, safe in the knowledge that he’d given Gary Lineker, ‘a Madonna.’

But our Gary isn’t Madonna, he doesn’t take things lying down, or from Malawi, he rebutted Morgan’s smugspunk with this:

“I think the 2 world cups I played in probably edged that.”

BAM! He had Morgan on the ropes, but wasn’t finished yet, fearing Morgan could possibly steal his presenting gig, Salt and Lineker wound up and struck the final, devastating blow to Morgan’s inflated ego:

“Spoke to the powers that be at the BBC and they are very interested in you… staying in America”

He may work for Walkers, but Lineker is definitely the Real McCoy.

Sorry.

It must be hard being Pippa Middleton; trying to be a serious business woman and gallivanting around London, made all the more difficult because everyone knows you for being the one with the arse that stole your sister’s wedding day.

Poor, poor Pippa.

But a tabloid picture editor has come forward and announced that newspapers would be offered around 300 or 400 pictures PER DAY of the fitter Middleton, none of which are of her arse.

Paul Silver or the Daily Mail says:

“At the moment we have a situation where there must be nine or 10 agencies outside her door every day”

Hold on a minute… The Daily Mail?

Oh, we get it, all those pesky photographers camped outside Pippa’s pad must be a new breed of immigrant paedo paps that have come over here to make our beloved tabloid photographers jobless and bother our favourite Royal relations.

Those utter bastards.

The Mail obviously never run any of these photos, after all, what paper would run pictures of a woman we never hear speak and is effectively just a bit of posh totty that we’d like to think we have a crack at because she’s not an actual Princess like her older sister.

So this abhorrent invasion into Pippa’s private life is all for nothing, those immigrant paedo paps should just take their cameras back to where they come from and leave us all to bask in the warm glow of Pippa’s loveliness, sans pictures of her posterior splashed across the pages. [Her arse isn't literally splashing on the pages, Ed]

But oh wait, some of those 400 pictures sent to the tabloids everyday actually make it into the papers, because no matter how mundane the middle class Middleton is, her face still sells papers, because it’s attached to that arse that everyone keeps harping on about as if they’re banging you over the head with a double cheeked cushion, shouting, “SHE’S GOT A NICE ARSE, DON’T YOU REMEMBER!?”

We should all chip in and get Paul Silva a replica Queen’s Guard outfit that he can wear on that high horse of his.

The three big successes of the Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton was the Austin Martin cameo at the close of proceedings… the other two? Notably, Pippa Middleton’s two arse cheeks.

Pippa has gone from being the sister of the star attraction to being something of an overnight sensation, with people only ever talking about her behind. Or that picture of her dancing drunkenly in a bra.

So, along comes Vivid Entertainment boss, Steven Hirsch, with a cheque book, a dirty look in his eye and an offer for Pippa to star in an adult movie!

Apparently, the porn factory has written (how quaint) to the Royal By Proxy offering her a massive $5million to star in one explicit scene with her ‘choice of partner’.

Vivid aren’t finished there. They’ve also asked her to bring her brother James along for the fun and frolics, (thanks to that recent photo scandal), only he’s a man so he’ll only get $1million because the male genitalia is uglier than a naked mole rat’s elbow.

Hilariously, the letter was addressed to her parents party planning company. It reads:

“As far as I was concerned, you were the star of the recent Royal Wedding. As I watched a broadcast of the event I couldn’t help but think that with your beauty and attitude you could be an enormously successful adult star.

“For just one explicit scene I would be pleased to offer you $5 million USD and, of course, you would have a choice of partners. If you would like to bring your brother James along, he could appear in a separate scene for $1 million USD.”

We can imagine it now – ‘Oooh! Tickle me (knight)hood! One is a lady by day, but at night, one is a freak in the sheets! Would you like one to service you with some head? *cums* OFF WITH YOUR HEAD FNARR FNARR!‘ ad nauseum.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Spring is in the air, those gloomy winter days are behind us for another year and we can look forward to all of the joys that the sunshine brings: flowers blooming, birds singing and, most importantly, BOOBS!

That’s right, it’s the time of year where celebrity clothes disappear at the same rate as clouds.

This week we’ve been treated to many a celebrity disrobing, so we’ll break them down one by one… over the jump you penises.

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey:

Right, none of us actually care about what Nick Cannon’s love gun looks like, so we’re going to focus on his naked missus, Mariah.

Mimi has decided to strip off for various magazine covers (and some of those classy black and white pictures that apparently don’t count as porn) to show off her pregnancy bump, because that’s beautiful or something.

We here at hecklerspray aren’t as convinced, we’d much rather have seen her in the altogether before she was knocked up, but maybe that’s just us.

Kaley Cuoco:

She’s the one from the Big Bang Theory. When we initially heard that there were pictures of some lass from something called the Big Bang Theory with her knickers down we had pictured something completely different.

But we’ll give Kaley top marks for trying anyway, even if the picture was sold to us under false pretences.

Bridget Moynahan:

Her picture in the annual nude issue of Allure magazine (which is also the source of Kaley Couco, Keri Hilson and Ashley Tisdale’s naturist debuts) is lovely, but if we’re honest we have no idea who she is.

According to Wikipedia she’s some sort of model and actress who used to be married to an American football player.

Well… good for her.

Keri Hilson:

This is another picture from the rather grotty looking pile marked nice but of unknown origins. Hilson is an American R&B singer apparently, but we can’t really vouch for that.

All we can tell you is that we’re glad they went with her for this photo shoot and not Adele, because while Adele’s voice is beautiful you have to admit she has a bit of the Beth Ditto thing going on.

Ashley Tisdale:

Ms. Tisdale is the one from High School Musical who no one really paid attention to because Vanessa Hudgens was more attractive and a better actress/singer (which, when you think about it, says a lot more about Tisdale than it should).

Anywho, even though our Ashley looks good with her arse out, we can’t help but feel that this is just a cheap attempt to get as much attention as Vanessa does whenever she releases nude pics of herself.

The problem is that Vanessa is more willing to go down the hardcore route, which doesn’t leave Ashley with much of chance of being glanced at now, does it?

It might be worth mentioning that these are all professionally shot pictures, so there’s no chance of you gawping at nipples or anything naughty in the pictures (unless we’re talking about Vanessa ‘hardcore’ Hudgens), which is most likely the only reason you read this article anyway.

We probably should have put that at the start of the article. Sorry.

Pervert.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

This week’s rematch between Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey looks set to be the most exciting self-serving marketing stunt of the year!

However, we didn’t know what Tom Cruise and Oprah were going to discuss during Tom’s interview – until now. Because now it seems like it’s mostly about Tom Cruise’s arse.

Part of Oprah’s interview – conducted at Tom Cruise’s Colorado home – involved Oprah riding on Tom’s snowmobile, an experience that left Oprah blithering on about Tom Cruise’s butt and adding that she now knows what Katie Holmes sees in him. Financial gain despite an outwardly unconvincing relationship? Yep, actually that sounds about right.

At the end of the week and the beginning of next week, Tom Cruise returns to Oprah for the first time since he kicked his career to death by leaping all over her sofa like a 1950s housewife who’d just seen a mouse. To call the Cruise/ Oprah interviews highly-anticipated would be a gross understatement – Jesus could return to Earth on Friday morning and he’d be greeted with impatient shushes until Oprah’s ad breaks.

There’s so much for Oprah Winfrey to grill Tom Cruise about, you see, like the way his religious beliefs have crocked his career, or the real reasons behind the postponement of his new movie – even Tom Cruise’s feud with Brooke Shields happened after Tom Cruise’s last appearance on Oprah, and that was way back when people still liked Tom Cruise.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. So what did Oprah choose to mainly focus on during her time in Colarado? That’s right – Tom Cruise’s shitter. During the filming of an episode in Las Vegas recently to announce the comebacks of Tina Turner and Cher – what is it with Oprah Winfrey’s ability to reanimate the dead? – Oprah let a couple of Tom Cruise factoids slip out, as USA Today reports:

Winfrey also spoke of having just come from the home of Tom Cruise in Telluride, Colo., for his first Oprah appearance since his infamous couch-jumping moment in 2005. Winfrey quipped that she did not jump on Cruise’s couch, and she spoke of holding on to him during a snowmobile ride. “There’s something about being scooched up to his butt that makes you want to sing Take Me Home, Tom,” Winfrey said. “Now I know what (his wife) Katie (Holmes) sees!”

Well, not exactly what Katie sees, since we imagine that’s mostly the inside of a cage and a yellowing water bottle, but good for Oprah anyway. There’s nothing like implied sexual tension between a man who’s been constantly plagued by gay rumours and a woman who some people think is a lesbian to bump up the ratings a notch or two during sweeps, is there?

Actually, we’re making out that Oprah’s interview with Tom Cruise was a lot more arse-centric than it actually was – Oprah also promised that Scientology and Tom’s relationship with Katie Holmes and his daughter Suri would be examined as well, although chances are the most hard-hitting stuff will be drowned out by the noise of a few thousand menopausal women wetting their knickers and screaming a lot.

But despite Oprah’s efforts to big the interviews up, we’ll have to just watch Friday and Monday’s editions of Oprah to see how revelatory the Tom Cruise interviews really are. Oh, wait, we ‘ve just remembered – we’re not unemployed housewives.

Oh well, we’re sure it’ll end up on the internet somewhere.

Read more:

What happened on ‘Oprah’ taping didn’t stay in Vegas – USA Today

The human body is a brilliant thing – apart from enabling us to do major stuff like walking, eating and breathing, various parts of our body can also be used for immature fun.

Take the bottom for example. There are tons of alternative words for this piece of flesh. Ass, arse, batty, behind, booty and bum are just some of the brilliant ways to describe it. Sometimes you may have to come to terms with your own bottom while having a shower in the morning. There you see yourself in all your hideous glory. So it’s not like you’d be shocked to see an image of an arse on TV, is it? Apparently so.

NYPD Blue recently showed an episode which depicted a female arse. Not a problem you’d think. Well it is, and there may be some punishment to the network ABC.

America is a glorious nation. It's the frontrunner for telling the rest of the world how to live their lives, a global leader on fighting the war on terror, it won’t let other countries develop nuclear missiles and it's got a leader who won’t sign a piece of paper to cut evil gases emitting into the atmosphere which will consequently see the world imploding. 

With all these serious issues going on, you’d have thought that America would be quite liberal to less serious matters. Of course not, anything that could potentially turn the innocence of a child in to a sex-wielding maniac after seeing a bit of flesh has to be stopped.

Though saying that, Jamie Lynn Spears is probably the perfect example of how a bit of nudity can influence girls into committing acts of underage sex with blokes who should know better.

It’s not the first time that America has grinded to a halt after witnessing a bit of flesh. Who can forget Janet Jackson getting her chest pillows out at the Super Bowl? That’s a sight that nobody really wants to see. We’ve had those sorts of problems before, incidentally, although the police officers wouldn’t take our story of our trousers accidentally falling down inside a strip club seriously. What do they know? 

So what exactly upset several American viewers and forced them to gouge their own eyes out? After a repeat of NYPD Blue from 2003 was shown, the BBC reports that 'multiple, close-up views' of a woman's buttocks were broadcast before the US watershed. Oooh, multiple encounters showing something that both men and women have. Could it get anymore offensive? Apparently so:

“The scene in the police drama shows a boy surprising a naked woman as she prepared to take a shower. The FCC said it received several complaints about the sequence, which also showed one of the woman's breasts.”

Hmm, we could see why this may cause a few problems – but if reports are to be believed, a warning was issued before the shows going out: 

“An ABC spokeswoman said that the program was broadcast with parental warnings and that "the realistic nature of NYPD Blue's storylines was well-known to the viewing public". 

We can believe that. When was the last time the police busted a crack den and let the occupants dress appropriately before being sent downtown? Never, that’s when. But because it seems most Americans want to live in a fairytale land which is wrapped up in glittery cotton wool, a fine of $1.4m is going to be imposed on the network that broadcast the scene.

But it doesn’t stop there. The fine will be placed upon all 52 stations that showed the episode. It just goes to show that there's nothing as evil as arses. Which sort of makes hip-hop videos worse than Hitler. We think. 

Read more:

US network faces $1m nudity fine – BBC 

When Angelina Jolie made Beowulf, she knew she was making the tricky transition between 'ultra-earnest humanitarian actress' to 'mostly-naked computer-generated Old English mythical half-sex lizard from the year 700 AD.'

And of all the transitions a woman can make, it's probably the hardest one – one minute you're crying over pictures of sad third-world orphans and the next minute you're having your head chopped off by Ray Winstone's virtual sword in a sexy way – but it's one that Angelina Jolie can make without even breaking her stride. And how did Angelina Jolie do this? By turning up to the London Beowulf premiere in a pair of leather trousers so skin-tight that her bum-stitches burst wide open, forcing Brad Pitt to spend the rest of the evening trying to cover up Angelina's arse-spillage with his hands, that's how!

Angelina Jolie has travelled to some of the world's most desolate places, either in her much-vaunted role as a UN-appointed humanitarian ambassador or just because she heard they were selling orphans off cheaply there. But our point is that Angelina Jolie thrives in these places, whether she's giving birth in Namibia or moving to New Orleans just to raise the spirits of the flood-ravaged locals.

But those places were a piece of cake compared to London, where everything literally fell to pieces for Angelina Jolie.

This weekend Angelina Jolie attended the London premiere of her new movie Beowulf with Brad Pitt and, even though it's just her voice and a clump of pixels mashed into a vaguely Jolie shape in the movie, Angelina decided to give the red carpet crowd exactly what they wanted.

Smiles and autographs? Yes, but we don't mean that. A full-on smooch with Brad Pitt in front of the world's press? That happened too, but what we're talking about is Angelina Jolie turning up in a pair of trousers so tight that the bum-seam split wide open, meaning that Brad Pitt had to spend the rest of the premiere with his hand clamped over Angelina's arse like some sort of dirty bum pervert.

If Angelina Jolie's bum-split wasn't bad enough, she also managed to tread in a wad of chewing gum as well, messing up her Christian Louboutin stilettos in the process. But, hey, it could be worse – as far as wardrobe malfunctions go, split trousers and gummy shoes are fairly minimal. It's not as if Angelina Jolie kicked an old pair of knickers out from the bottom of her trousers, is it?

And, seriously, since the average Londoner's day involves standing in a dirty, sweltering, expensive, overcrowded tin can snaking underneath the city with their face rammed into a sweaty bloke's stinking armpit, constantly worrying that overzealous police marksmen will shoot them dead just because they look a bit foreign, we'd say Angelina got off lightly.

Plus, by bursting her trousers open, Angelina Jolie has secured Beowulf more publicity than it was ever going to get. Let's just all be thankful that Tom Cruise didn't choose to do something similar at the London premiere of Lions For Lambs.