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Arrested celebrities

Heidi Fleiss Busted For Some Sort Of Drug Thing

by Stuart Heritage

Heidi Fleiss is notorious for many things, like getting prostitutes to bang celebrities for cash and the way she looks like one of those bird-monsters from The Dark Crystal, but now we can add drugs to the list, too.

Heidi Fleiss was arrested in Nevada yesterday for – deep breath – investigation of driving under the influence and possessing drugs without a prescription.

We don’t know any details, but we think that probably means that Heidi Fleiss had some over-the-counter medicine on her, and we’re guessing it was Dulco Ease. Basically we’re insinuating that Heidi Fleiss’ bowel is jam-packed with rock-hard impacted turds.

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Reporter Bust Generally Confirms Angelina Jolie’s Pregnancy

by Stuart Heritage

Forget bloating stomachs and tender boobies – the only way we’ll ever know if Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins or not is if reporters start getting arrested near her house.

What’s that? A reporter has been arrested near Angelina Jolie’s house? Then the prophesies are true – Angelina Jolie is going to be a mother again!

Either that or she and Brad Pitt just enjoy trying to lock up anyone who tries to get too close to them for free. But, screw it, let’s just go with the pregnancy thing.

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Lil Wayne’s Druggy Bus Bust

by Stuart Heritage

As the most hopelessly generic rapper in the entire blinking world, Lil Wayne has a number of responsibilities to uphold.

And, to be fair, Lil Wayne is doing a noble job at sticking to them – like the one about all his songs being exactly identical, the one about giving said songs unpleasant names like Prostitute Flange and the one about constantly getting arrested.

Especially that last one, because Lil Wayne has just been arrested for riding around in a tour bus so stuffed with drugs that he had to poke his head out of the sunroof to breathe. Or something.

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Sugababe Amelle Arrested For Beating Up A Car

by Stuart Heritage

It’d be an understatement to call Sugababes personality-free, but Amelle Berrabah is the exception – but sadly she’s got the personality of Phil Mitchell.

Amelle Berrabah was arrested late last week for apparently getting angry at her sister’s house and beating up a neighbour’s car. Although this is just the latest violent controversy to occur since Amelle joined Sugababes, she’s strenuously denying these allegations.

When pushed for comment, Amelle tilted her head towards the sky, roared “Hulk smash! Hulk SMAAASH!” and threw a Land Rover into the sun.

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Amy Winehouse Probably Not A Justice Pervert After All

by Stuart Heritage

Amy Winehouse may be many things – like the world’s most disturbing semi-professional Marge Simpson impersonator, to name but one – but it looks as if she isn’t a perverter of the justice.

Although Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice last month – in connection with her husband’s alleged plan to buy the silence of a barman who he attacked – it now looks like all charges against her will be dropped. That’s wonderful news for Amy Winehouse, who can now put this horrible incident behind her and get on with some of her much-missed hobbies – for instance, Amy sorely needs to catch up on her wandering around London in her bra at midnight looking as if she doesn’t really understand what’s going on. Maybe she’ll even renew her subscription to Wandering Around London In Your Bra At Midnight Looking As If You Don’t Really Understand What’s Going On magazine.

Amy Winehouse may be many things - like the world's most disturbing semi-professional Marge Simpson impersonator, to name but one - but it looks as if she isn't a perverter of the justice. Although Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice last month - in connection with her husband's alleged plan to buy the silence of a barman who he attacked - it now looks like all charges against her will be dropped. That's wonderful news for Amy Winehouse, who can now put this horrible incident behind her and get on with some of her much-missed hobbies - for instance, Amy sorely needs to catch up on her wandering around London in her bra at midnight looking as if she doesn't really understand what's going on. Maybe she'll even renew her subscription to Wandering Around London In Your Bra At Midnight Looking As If You Don't Really Understand What's Going On magazine.
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Amy Winehouse Arrested For Being A Justice Pervert

by Stuart Heritage

Amy Winehouse has been arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice, either for being caught up in her husband’s barman-attack thing or using her haircut to harbour known criminals – we just don’t know.

Oh, alright, actually we do know. Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice yesterday after she was apparently implicated in all this business that’s got her husband Blake Fielder-Civil currently banged up. After allegedly beating up a pub landlord to such an extent that he needed metal plates inserted into his face, Blake Fielder-Civil is then claimed to have offered him £200,000 to shut up and leave the country – and it’s thought that Amy Winehouse was brought into it because, without her wealth, all Blake could offer the landlord was 26p, half a packet of Refreshers and tatty hat that looks like someone’s been wiping their arse on it.

Amy Winehouse has been arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice, either for being caught up in her husband's barman-attack thing or using her haircut to harbour known criminals - we just don't know. Oh, alright, actually we do know. Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice yesterday after she was apparently implicated in all this business that's got her husband Blake Fielder-Civil currently banged up. After allegedly beating up a pub landlord to such an extent that he needed metal plates inserted into his face, Blake Fielder-Civil is then claimed to have offered him £200,000 to shut up and leave the country - and it's thought that Amy Winehouse was brought into it because, without her wealth, all Blake could offer the landlord was 26p, half a packet of Refreshers and tatty hat that looks like someone's been wiping their arse on it.
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Boozed-Up Sex Tape Star Jessica Sierra Banned From Army Gig

by Stuart Heritage

There are two things that soldiers enjoy – one is shooting foreigners and the other is watching hungover, coked-out amateur porn stars who used to be on a reality TV show slur out one halfhearted Bonnie Tyler cover version after another.

But that’s not going to happen, because an American charity has decided that it doesn’t want our new favourite good girl gone bad (or bad girl gone worse? Crap girl gone terrible?) Jessica Sierra to perform at a Washington Christmas tribute concert for US troops on Friday, thanks to her currently being held in custody for violating her parole in an embarrassingly drunk, vomit-stained, sexually-propositioning way, and also because of the imminent internet release of the grubby-looking Jessica Sierra sex tape.

But, undeterred, Jessica Sierra has vowed to help the army out in any way she can despite the concert snub, which is why this week she’ll be offering sad-faced handjobs to crooked prison guards in return for donations to the war effort. Possibly.

There are two things that soldiers enjoy - one is shooting foreigners and the other is watching hungover, coked-out amateur porn stars who used to be on a reality TV show slur out one halfhearted Bonnie Tyler cover version after another. But that's not going to happen, because an American charity has decided that it doesn't want our new favourite good girl gone bad (or bad girl gone worse? Crap girl gone terrible?) Jessica Sierra to perform at a Washington Christmas tribute concert for US troops on Friday, thanks to her currently being held in custody for violating her parole in an embarrassingly drunk, vomit-stained, sexually-propositioning way, and also because of the imminent internet release of the grubby-looking Jessica Sierra sex tape. But, undeterred, Jessica Sierra has vowed to help the army out in any way she can despite the concert snub, which is why this week she'll be offering sad-faced handjobs to crooked prison guards in return for donations to the war effort. Possibly.
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American Idol Sex Tape Coming Frighteningly Soon

by Stuart Heritage

Calm down; yes, there’s apparently an American Idol sex tape about to hit the internet, but rest assured that you won’t have to see Simon Cowell’s bare todger flapping around like a torn blister in a windtunnel.

In fact it’s a sex tape of Jessica Sierra, who we’re told did moderately well at American Idol two years ago. And the sex tape isn’t Jessica Sierra’s only problem right now – that comes in the form of an arrest for intoxication and resisting arrest which violates her parole from the time she was arrested for battery and cocaine possession. But while Jessica Sierra faces the possibility of a lengthy jail sentence, we all get the sex tape to look forward to. And since we didn’t even know who Jessica Sierra even was until about 10 seconds ago, it’s basically going to be a video of an anonymous, slightly rough-looking woman having it off. We can’t decide if that makes it better or worse, actually.

Calm down; yes, there's apparently an American Idol sex tape about to hit the internet, but rest assured that you won't have to see Simon Cowell's bare todger flapping around like a torn blister in a windtunnel. In fact it's a sex tape of Jessica Sierra, who we're told did moderately well at American Idol two years ago. And the sex tape isn't Jessica Sierra's only problem right now - that comes in the form of an arrest for intoxication and resisting arrest which violates her parole from the time she was arrested for battery and cocaine possession. But while Jessica Sierra faces the possibility of a lengthy jail sentence, we all get the sex tape to look forward to. And since we didn't even know who Jessica Sierra even was until about 10 seconds ago, it's basically going to be a video of an anonymous, slightly rough-looking woman having it off. We can't decide if that makes it better or worse, actually.
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Scott Weiland Denies Driving All Drug-Buggered

by Stuart Heritage

Celebrity DUI arrests have been all the go this year – but now that Velvet Revolver frontman Scott Weiland has got one, we can officially declare the trend dead.

It’s been reported that Scott Weiland – a man whose love of drugs has seen him imprisoned in the past – has been arrested after he crashed his car in Los Angeles, refused to give a blood or urine sample and then acted all impaired. Luckily nobody was hurt in the November 21 crash. Well, we say luckily, but you’d have to be a gigantic fan of badly-dated American stadium widdly-woo rawk not to be slightly bummed out that a shard of windscreen didn’t fly off and damage Scott Weiland’s vocal chords, at least temporarily.

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Jonathan Rhys Meyers Gets Pissed-Up At Airport, Arrested

by Stuart Heritage

Jonathan Rhys Meyers, the actor that everyone knows as ‘him out of Mission: Impossible III; not that one, or that one, or that one, or that one – the other one’, is one drunk bastard.

So drunk is Jonathan Rhys Meyers, in fact, that he’s got arrested for it after staff at Dublin airport told him that he was too drunk to fly on Sunday and he kicked up a giant drunken stink about it. What’s even more embarrassing is that Jonathan Rhys Meyers had previously claimed that he’d given up drinking long ago, although scientists are now claiming that Jonathan Rhys Meyers may have been working off the Irish teetotal model, which still allows you to get shitfaced on booze for up to four days a week.

That last wisecrack was brought to you in association with the Society For Painfully Outmoded National Stereotypes, by the way.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers, the actor that everyone knows as 'him out of Mission: Impossible III; not that one, or that one, or that one, or that one - the other one', is one drunk bastard. So drunk is Jonathan Rhys Meyers, in fact, that he's got arrested for it after staff at Dublin airport told him that he was too drunk to fly on Sunday and he kicked up a giant drunken stink about it. What's even more embarrassing is that Jonathan Rhys Meyers had previously claimed that he'd given up drinking long ago, although scientists are now claiming that Jonathan Rhys Meyers may have been working off the Irish teetotal model, which still allows you to get shitfaced on booze for up to four days a week. That last wisecrack was brought to you in association with the Society For Painfully Outmoded National Stereotypes, by the way.
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