Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Shocking and saddening news out of New Zealand this week – there is one situation that Chris Pine’s blue eyes can’t get him out of.
It’s like finding out that Santa Claus isn’t real all over again. Captain Kirk 2.0 got pulled over after driving through a sobriety checkpoint at the start of the month looking a little merrier than legally allowed by the country of New Zealand. It doesn’t matter how chiseled your jaw is, kids, drink driving is neither cool nor clever.
…But sadly not for long. Amanda Bynes, everyone’s favourite unhinged child star was arrested and sent for psychiatric evaluation last night for smoking a big ol’ joint and throwing a bong out of a window.
Amanda was reportedly sat in the lobby of her Manhattan apartment building, smoking a blunt and talking to herself – a standard Thursday night for her, then – when the building official called the police. I don’t know about you, but if I received a call telling me that someone from a 90’s Nickelodeon show was sat in the lobby wearing a platinum blonde wig and blazing it up, I’d probably assume they were the ones that were high.
If you’re a fan of Phish and you’re reading this through reddened eyes, you probably went to their recent reunion concert.
And if you went to the reunion concert, at some point you more than likely woke up in the trunk of a car next to a spare tire and several bloodied police batons. Had you your senses about you, you’d have noticed there were 193 other unconscious people crammed in there with you – all of them wearing rainbowy shirts.
That’s because local police really cracked down at the show – enough so to confiscate over $1,000,000 in illegal drugs, among other things.
Lesson of the day: never, ever, go up to an Osbourne lady and start dissing their men, because they are lunatics.
Oh, alright, alleged lunatics. Just a couple of weeks after Sharon Osbourne apparently attacked a bikini model after hearing a slur about Ozzy, Kelly Osbourne has been arrested for assault after allegedly slapping a journalist who insinuated that her boyfriend didn’t know what an earthquake was.
If you ask us, Jack Osbourne must be feeling left out. Maybe if we make up a good enough lie we’ll be able to goad him into punching a nun unconscious or something.
Johnny Knoxville has done some pretty stupid things in his time – most notably the Dukes Of Hazzard movie.
But forget that. Because everything that Johnny Knoxville has ever done – like getting shot, riding a bicycle off a diving board, being smacked in the testicles with a mallet, trying to make polite conversation with Jessica Simpson, especially trying to make polite conversation with Jessica Simpson – looks like the work of a highly respected quantum physicist compared with what he’s just done.
Johnny Knoxville has just been arrested. For trying to take a hand grenade onto an aeroplane. Top that, Wee Man.
There’s nothing that Sam Shepard can’t do – he’s a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, a playwright and a movie star.
Oh, and a boozy tit. Allegedly. Sam Shepard – from films like Black Hawk Down and Baby Boom – has been arrested on suspicion of speeding and driving drunk in Illinois. And that’s more or less all there is to the story.
Except that Sam Shepard now has something else to put on his CV alongside acting, directing, being a prize-winning writer and getting arrested on suspicion of DUI – his mugshots also make him look like Gordon Ramsay‘s homeless uncle. That’s something to be proud of.
You know the best thing about January 2? Nothing ever happens and we’re reduced to writing crap about idiots who nobody could ever care about.
But not this year! Oh no, this year is completely different – this year we’ve got some real news for you! And that news? Matt Dillon was caught driving his car a little bit faster than he should! And he got arrested! In VERMONT!
No, really, this is big news. Huge news. Matt Dillon is one of the most famous actors in the world and… oh wait, it’s not 1988 any more, is it? OK, carry on. Sorry.
Lunging at Lindsay Lohan is a galactically moronic thing to do – it’s like drinking sewage or belly-flopping into dirty syringe skip.
So, when anybody does lunge at Lindsay Lohan, it’s best to arrest them on suspicion of being weird. And that’s what happened to Daniel Combs after he allegedly flung himself at Lindsay Lohan outside an Arizona nightclub yesterday.
A man excited to be around Lindsay Lohan? That doesn’t sound right. Our theory is that Combs was just trying to give Lindsay some underwear, which explains his cries of “For the love of God, cover it up! My eyes! They burn! THEY BURN!”
You may recognise Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut from X-Men 3 – but, whatever you do, you must never actually tell him that.
Seriously, don’t. There’s so much more to Vinnie Jones than being in an X-Men film, like being the mute thug in that John Travolta thriller from seven years ago, or being the ninth male lead in Eurotrip. Honestly, the man is an artist.
So don’t tell Vinnie Jones that you recognise him from X-Men because, if you do, he’ll beat you up until he gets arrested. Which seems to be more or less exactly what happened in South Dakota last week.
Know who we’re still jealous of? Ava Sambora. She’s just hit the jackpot – both her parents have now been arrested for DUI.
Following Richie Sambora‘s DUI arret in March, Ava’s mother Heather Locklear has gone and followed suit. According to reports, Heather Locklear was arrested for DUI on Saturday night after police found her parked on a motorway, blocking an entire lane.
However, it’s also been reported that alcohol wasn’t a factor in Heather Locklear’s arrest. That begs the question – what was Heather driving under the influence of? The best guess at the moment is that it was prescription medicine – but having seen Heather Locklear’s arrest mugshot we’re pretty sure that she was driving under the influence of either onions or the dark lord Satan.
