Uma Thurman has split up with her fiance Arpad Busson. Chances are you’re wondering who to feel most sorry for.

Should it be Uma Thurman? After all, this split means that she now has two failed marriages and one failed engagement behind her, which can’t be pleasant. Or should it be Arpad Busson, on the basis that he’s let another beautiful celebrity slip through his fingers?

No. You should feel more sorry for us. After all, now that she doesn’t have a multimillionaire hotelier to lean on, Uma Thurman is going to have to fend for herself financially. And you know what that means? My Super Ex-Girlfriend 2, that’s what it means. We’ve got the bum deal here.

You know what Uma Thurman’s problem is? She’s picky. It doesn’t matter if you’re Gary Oldman or Ethan Hawke – at some point, Uma Thurman is going to fall out of love with you Yoy can’t even win her over with crudely-rendered cartoons of yourself walking along the edge of a razor blade, while she – wearing a wedding dress – digs your grave and says “Tee hee.” Which is weird, because we always assumed that one was a banker.

And now Uma Thurman can add another notch to her list of romantic failures – it has been announced that she is no longer engaged to millionaire hotelier Arpad Busson. You might remember that Uma and Arpad got engaged last summer – he off the back of a failed engagement to Elle McPherson, she off the back of a lunatic stalker who kept sending her pictures of decapitated brides – and everything seem to be going wonderfully. So what went wrong? SMH reports:

A source said: “The engagement ended awhile back – almost two months ago.” The couple had a small argument which led to the American actress suggesting the engagement should be broken off, without really meaning it. Uma then walked out “in a huff” but the spat caused the businessman to rethink their future together and he called time on their relationship.

This is bound to be an upsetting time for her, but Uma Thurman has been through enough romantic disentanglements to know that the best coping strategy is to get straight back on the horse. Which might explain rumours that she’s currently dating her new co-star Robert Pattinson.

The rumours are all ridiculous, of course – not because of the 16-year age difference, or because Uma Thurman and Robert Pattinson have yet to speak or be in the same room together, but because Robert Pattinson stinks like a pair of shitty knickers that have been sewn up, filled with tripe and stuck behind a radiator in a natural gas refinery. Any fool can see that.

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Well how about that – the way to Uma Thurman's heart doesn't involve drawing pictures of her digging your grave and tittering after all.

We'll be blown. Apparently if you want Uma Thurman to fall in love with you you should probably be a multimillionaire businessman who doesn't live in a car parked freakishly close to Uma Thurman's house. That's the tactic used by Arpad "Arki" Busson, anyway, and it's seemed to work for him.

That's because Uma Thurman and Arpad Busson have just announced their engagement. The news will come as a bitter to Uma Thurman's convicted stalker Jack Jordan, although it's not all bad news – he apparently hopes it'll be a long engagement so that he can turn up to the wedding with his special handmade confetti made from tiny little cutouts of disturbing headless brides.

Uma Thurman, eh? All she ever does is complain complain complain. One minute she's moaning that no men ever ask her out , and then when one man wants to go out with her so badly that he terrorises her entire family with suicide threats she complains about that too! When will Uma Thurman learn that men only have two romantic settings – chronically disinterested and watch-you-in-your-sleep obsessed?

At least, based on personal experience they're our only two settings, but Uma Thurman seems to have stumbled across a rare man who's reached an unsteady compromise – he loves her, but not enough to send her terrifying cards with the words 'mouth' and 'my hand should be on your body' scribbled all over them.

True, his face is the exact dimension and texture of a family meat pie, but he's also a multimillionaire, so they probably cancel each other out.

That man is Swiss businessman Arpad Busson, and he's just got engaged to Uma Thurman. It's been confirmed and everything. People reports:

"I can confirm she is engaged," Stephen Huvane said on Friday. New York's Daily News was first to report the engagement. In return for saying yes, the actress received some serious sparkle: an 8-plus carat center stone surrounded by 20 smaller stones. "It's the most beautiful piece I've ever seen," says a close source of the diamond ring. "Arki did a wonderful job."

It's actually quite heartwarming that, after going through something as emotionally draining as her stalker case, Uma Thurman can learn to trust the motives behind men's romantic advances again. But of course she can – Arpad Busson is a high-flying European financier, not a psychologically-disturbed fan. There's one other difference between Uma Thurman's new fiance and her stalker, too, but it's slightly more subtle.

Remember that Jack Jordan said that he was destined to be with Uma Thurman forever? Uma probably won't have that problem with Busson – he ditched Elle McPherson after she had a couple of his kids, after all, so he's hardly going to stay with Uma Thurman very long, is he? None of that icky forever business to deal with there. Phew.