Articles tagged with: armed robbery
OJ Simpson should be doing all his favourite things today - it might be his last day of freedom forever. Obviously that won't happen - OJ Simpson's favourite things include writing books about murdering people he used to be married to, robbing strangers at gunpoint and making bewildering hidden-camera DVDs, and they all take ages - but it's his last chance. Later today, OJ Simpson will be sentenced to anywhere between six years and life for masterminding his calamitous hotel room armed robbery last year. OJ's lawyers are pleading for leniency - after all, it's not like he killed his wife or anything, is it?
Guess what. That armed robbery of OJ Simpson's that had several witnesses and audio recordings to back it up - turns out he did it. By now you've probably realised that OJ Simpson has been found guilty on all 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, and that he could face anything up to life in jail for it. However, OJ Simpson now plans to appeal the decision from jail, where he's being kept away from other prisoners to protect his own safety. But still, OJ Simpson won't find himself at a loss for anything to do now that he's been found guilty on all charges. He can finally write that book he's always wanted to, for example - the hypothetical If I Didn't Do It, Here's How It Didn't Happen; a breathtaking account of how OJ Simpson was actually doing a spot of Sudoku and thinking about kittens when he was supposed to be holding some men up in a hotel room.
There are many things OJ Simpson is guilty of - being a bit of a douchebag, maybe, and having an unnatural obsession with his own faecal matter - but when it comes to armed robbery, OJ Simpson is absolutely not guilty.
That's according to OJ Simpson, at least - faced with a stack of felony charges that will see him spend the rest of his life in jail, OJ Simpson decided yesterday at a Las Vegas arraignment that he didn't actually have anything to do with any of it. OJ Simpson has pleaded not guilty to all 12 felony charges against him, on the basis that he only burst in on some unsuspecting sports memorabilia dealers with a gang of men in some sort of amateurish raid operation because they stole his shit and he only wanted his shit back. This argument means that the OJ Simpson trial - set for April - could set all manner of legal precedents for any other future angry shit-based misunderstandings that American citizens may wander into.
The world has changed since OJ Simpson last stood trial for anything - back then the internet didn't exist, all food tasted like wood shavings and a knife was the most technologically-advanced weapon you could stab people to death with.
But this time, wow. The judge presiding over OJ Simpson's preliminary hearing has ruled that there is more than enough evidence to put OJ Simpson through a full criminal trial for his part in September's supposed armed robbery in Las Vegas. That means that OJ Simpson will have to adjust to being the centrepiece of a blazingly high-profile trial in the 21st century, with all its trappings. OJ Simpson's trial is set to begin in 2008, when you'll be able to stab someone to death with a remote-controlled nanobot and buy food that tastes like anything up to three different types of wood shavings. Sadly, though, the internet still doesn't exist, which means you're imagining all this and should probably get your brain checked out.
So it's official - OJ Simpson did ask his goons to bring guns to his alleged hotel room armed robbery in Las Vegas. And we know it's official because a man who might occasionally moonlight as a pimp said so.
Yesterday at the preliminary hearing to discover whether there's enough evidence to put OJ Simpson through a full criminal trial for his supposed role as the ringleader of an armed robbery, OJ's goon Walter Alexander testified that Simpson had asked him to "bring some heat" to the raid in case anything went wrong. However, come the full trial OJ Simpson is expected to counter-argue that he wasn't asking Alexander to bring a gun, rather to try and get his hands on an electric blanket or a patio heater or one of those gel-sack hand-warmer things with the metal clickers in them.
Because if there's one thing OJ Simpson hates, it's being slightly chilly. And people who steal his shit. But mainly chilliness, though.
The only things standing between OJ Simpson spending the rest of his life in jail for armed robbery and OJ Simpson being set free to skip around in a meadow like a wide-eyed schoolgirl are guns.
And whether or not OJ Simpson knew there were guns during the heist has been the main point in the court case to determine whether or not OJ Simpson should face a full trial for his alleged crime. OJ Simpson, you see, is adamant that he saw none of his goonsquad carrying guns during the hotel-room sports memorabilia raid - but testimonies by the goon who owned the guns, the goon who OJ Simpson asked to carry a gun and the memorabilia dealer who apparently had a gun held to his face seem to go against that. It all sounds a bit far-fetched to us - anyone who's read If I Did It knows that OJ Simpson's weapon of choice is a knife. That's a knife.
To the uninitiated, OJ Simpson's current legal woe might seem inordinately complex - he stole some shit from some men, but only because he said the men had stolen shit from him, meaning that OJ Simpson was merely recovering shit.
Oh, it's so confusing that we think we need a lie down. Luckily it's not for us to make sense of OJ Simpson's alleged shit-stealing escapades, because that's for courts and lawyers and judges and whatnot to decide. Which is more or less what's happening now - a hearing began yesterday to decide whether there's enough evidence to take OJ Simpson to trial on all 12 of his charges. And if a trial does go ahead it's expected to be the biggest shit-based trial starring an unconvincingly innocent murder-suspect the world has ever seen.
Probably. It's not like we've researched it or anything.
Let OJ Simpson's predicament be a warning to all would-be armed robbers - it's important to increase morale in your posse-members, either by offering them better pay, more holiday time or holding regular ice cream parties for them.
OJ Simpson neglected to do any of these things when he was recruiting his rowdy gang of crooks for his alleged armed robbery of a hotel room last month, so it's no surprise that they're all quickly turning on him. It's been revealed that a third member of OJ Simpson's goon-squad has accepted a plea deal with prosecutors that will see him get a lighter punishment in return for a testimony against OJ Simpson in court - a situation that could have been easily avoided if OJ Simpson had just shown some appreciation for his supposed accomplices by remembering the date of their wedding anniversary or holding some kind of team-bonding Hot-Cha-Cha Chili Cook-Off competition for his knuckle-dragging traitorous renegade henchmen.
