It was written that this day would come.

The Egyptian Sun God Horus; who was naturally begat by Jesus Christ; who was echoed by Nostradamus, and then, most poignantly of all, by Travis Bickle; all spake of a day when the worth of the people of the world would reach such a trough that our almighty lord God would be left with no alternative but to unleash a mighty rain to wash the scum off the streets.

And that day is nigh, our brothers, for 85,000 people have volunteered to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend.

You can waste your time watching as many Al Gore documentaries as you like, but believe hecklerspray when we tell you that global warming is nothing but a 5* hotel-funded conspiracy.

The reason that that tidal wave hit Phuket; the reason that Mardi Gras is now held in a swamp; the reason that the cuckoo now prefers to spend its holidays somewhere other than Kent; is solely down to the existence of Paris Hilton, her mind-numbing minions, MTV and the soon-to-be aired TV show I wanna be Paris’ New Best Friend.

According to People magazine, 85,000 people are seeking a chance to become Paris Hilton’s BFF.

That is far more than enough to fill Wembley stadium. In fact, hecklerspray would like to suggest to MTV that they try to cram all those people into Wembley Stadium.

The ensuing Hillsborough-esque disaster would hopefully go someway to appeasing our understandably furious Lord.

We’d also like to take a moment to apologise to the Lord for our recent reports suggesting the show was in danger of being axed, due to a lack of applicants.

Very embarrassing indeed. It seems no one’s subconscious – not even that of hecklerspray’s – is safe from the retard-tainting of Ms Hilton. On behalf of all humanity, we’d like to apologise for how greatly we’ve let you down.

And so, Lord, from the bottom of our hearts, we thank you for the rain which you are about to unleash.

However, if, by any chance, you could find it in your heart to be more specific with your punishment, then hecklerspray would like to point out that on May 1 Good Charlotte will be performing at Sunfest, in West Palm Beach, Florida, along with Natasha Bedingfield and John Legend.

There is surely no more apt a place for Armageddon to commence.

Read More – Pick me, Paris! 85, 000 vie to be Hilton’s new BFF – AFP