And here we are again. You all look so incredibly tired.
So before we begin, let’s really think to ourselves – what do we really WANT from episode 2 of The X Factor 2011? Because so far, nobody has really got what they want, have they? Nobody really voluntarily asks for Kelly Rowland, for example. Nobody really wants Gary Barlow to be angry to them before 9pm.
Hopefully this week, things will change for the better. We would like to see integrity. We would like to see a jazz singer sing an ironic version of She Wolf. We would like to see at least three testicles. But most importantly, we would like X Factor to bring us a window of entertainment that preceeds an ENTIRE EVENING with Will Young, preferably singing low-key versions of his amazing selection of pop hits, preferably in a tuxedo. Hey. What can we say? We dare to dream.
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Okay. We rip lumps from everyone on hecklerspray, but sometimes we like to be pleased for people because they’re just great. And one such person is Aretha Franklin, who owns one of America’s finest voices.
Aretha hasn’t been very well recently and she was rushed into hospital, prompting everyone to start worrying about her shuffling off her mortal coil and going to meet her maker.
However, this week, Aretha called into The Wendy Williams Show to assure fans she is not horribly ill, but rather, insisting that her health is “superb”.
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Aretha Franklin (real name The GZA) has had to cancel shows after she broke a couple of ribs in a fall at her house. Hands up if you immediately thought about the kind of ribs you eat. Yes, she has put a bit of weight on over the years hasn’t she? Mercifully, we love her for her talents though and… well… no, she hasn’t released a good record in years. We still love her, right?
Anyway, the Queen of Soul has been advised by doctors to undergo further medical tests and generally not do any singing.
In that time, she can sit around and think about how weird it is that a recent gig saw her joined on stage by former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. Rice’s job was to play piano and, as ever, look dead behind the eyes. Read More >>>
President Obama’s inauguration was historic on many levels, mostly because it happened in the past.
But when people think of Barack Obama’s inauguration, one thing will rise above all others. No, not the thrill of seeing America’s first black president appointed into office. And not the huge number of well-wishers who flocked to Washington to see the ceremony. We’re talking, obviously, about Aretha Franklin‘s stupid hat.
Seriously. Aretha Franklin’s stupid hat has become the latest must-have item. Truly, Obama’s inauguration has paved the way for a bright future where anyone can look like a monumental bellend.
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It must be a great feeling to be Beyonce Knowles-Z – a strong, black, female role model for millions around the world.
That is, unless a cosmetics company decide to make you white. Then you kind of fall down on part of that description.
It would seem that the make-up behemoths at L’Oreal may just be the types to force this kind of change on the young diva, with claims being made that Beyonce‘s skin tone has been lightened for a magazine ad. The company dispute these allegations.
You know – ‘whitening’ things up to make them more palatable to the masses. They did it with every other element of black culture – the music, the clothing, the lingo – why not start trying to make black celebrities white too?
Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard with it – but it’s Friday, and hecklerspray has some drinkin’ to get done. It’s maybe not as bad as that.
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When hecklerspray thinks of PETA, we think of the time they rushed our house and 'rescued' a boa constrictor we were keeping in several shoe boxes we'd taped end-to-end-to-end until it passed our dear old grandmother.
Thanks for that PETA. We only hope you gave her poopy bones a decent burial. Also, we're pretty sure she was holding one of our Wii controllers when the snake done ate her, so if you could sift through that stuff…
Now when Aretha Franklin thinks of PETA, she has a different experience all together. 'Tax saviors' may be the term that first comes to her mind. That's because they've just promised to pay all her back house taxes on one condition… she must kill her only child! With a cheese grater! And meat spices!
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Aretha Franklin can't help being badly dressed – when you swell up as large as she has, fashion is just a case of cutting a head-hole in the prettiest tarpaulin you can find.
And it gets worse, because animal rights warriors PETA have now declared Aretha Franklin to be the worst dressed celebrity of the year, thanks to all the fur she wears.
It's a fair title too, because Aretha Franklin is easily crueler to animals than any other celebrity. Look at it this way – if Eva Longoria wears a fur coat then maybe 40 animals died to make it. But when Aretha Franklin wants a fur coat, hunters have to kill and skin every single furry animal on the face of the planet – and shave off their own pubes – just to almost stretch over half of one of her gigantic wobbly upper arms.
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We hereby take back everything negative we've ever said about the Grammys.
Yes, the Grammys are dull, overlong and self-congratulatory, but if the Grammys didn't exist, then Aretha Franklin's demented tantrum over Beyonce calling Tina Turner 'the queen' instead of her wouldn't exist either. And that's just too priceless to live without.
Especially now that Beyonce's dad has gotten in on the act, too – Matthew Knowles has called Aretha Franklin "childish and unprofessional" for her outburst. We're expecting Aretha's "That's childish, unprofessional and super-super morbidly obese to you," retort to come any second now.
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