Aretha Franklin - HecklerSpray

Madonna Pays Touching Tribute to Herself at MTV VMAs

August 21st, 2018 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

I’ve been sticking by the MTV VMAs for more than twenty years, but last night was the last fucking straw for me. First of all, both “This is America” by Childish Gambino and “Apeshit” by Beyonce and Jay-Z were nominated for Video of the Year. Both were visually stunning and politically relevant, plus both those songs are fucking dope. But you know what won Video of the Year? Motherfucking “Havana” by Camilla Cabello.

That might seem like the straw that broke the MTV VMAs back, but Camilla beating Gambino and the Carters wasn’t even the stupidest part of the night. The dumbest part of the whole show? When MTV decided to let Madonna do a tribute to Aretha Franklin. And since Madonna is apparently now Lady Donald Trump, she made the entire tribute about herself.

Aretha Franklin Is My Homegirl

November 11th, 2014 By Megan Leitch

If you weren’t already aware who the queen of all things mighty and bitchy is, then hike up your fancy yoga pants and prepare to bow down to her Highness, Aretha Franklin.?? Ms. Franklin has once again shown that her ego and her shade throwing skills are just as large as her voice (and love for fried chicken).

Aretha managed to shut down multiple bitches in one fell swoop in one of the most glorious interviews I have seen in a long time.? And you know no one will have anything to say back because one does not contradict the Queen.

X Factor Review, Episode 2: The One Where They All Did The Singing Again

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

And here we are again. You all look so incredibly tired.

So before we begin, let's really think to ourselves ? what do we really WANT from episode 2 of The X Factor 2011? Because so far, nobody has really got what they want, have they? Nobody really voluntarily asks for Kelly Rowland, for example. Nobody really wants Gary Barlow to be angry to them before 9pm.

Hopefully this week, things will change for the better. We would like to see integrity. We would like to see a jazz singer sing an ironic version of She Wolf. We would like to see at least three testicles. But most importantly, we would like X Factor to bring us a window of entertainment that preceeds an ENTIRE EVENING with Will Young, preferably singing low-key versions of his amazing selection of pop hits, preferably in a tuxedo. Hey. What can we say? We dare to dream.

Non Cynical Happiness As Aretha Franklin Says Her Health Is ‘Superb’

January 13th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Okay. We rip lumps from everyone on hecklerspray, but sometimes we like to be pleased for people because they’re just great. And one such person is Aretha Franklin, who owns one of America’s finest voices.

Aretha hasn’t been very well recently and she was rushed into hospital, prompting everyone to start worrying about her shuffling off her mortal coil and going to meet her maker.

However, this week, Aretha called into The Wendy Williams Show to assure fans she is not horribly ill, but rather, insisting that her health is “superb”.

Aretha Franklin Breaks Ribs

August 4th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Aretha Franklin (real name The GZA) has had to cancel shows after she broke a couple of ribs in a fall at her house. Hands up if you immediately thought about the kind of ribs you eat. Yes, she has put a bit of weight on over the years hasn’t she? Mercifully, we love her for her talents though and… well… no, she hasn’t released a good record in years. We still love her, right?

Anyway, the Queen of Soul has been advised by doctors to undergo further medical tests and generally not do any singing.

In that time, she can sit around and think about how weird it is that a recent gig saw her joined on stage by former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. Rice’s job was to play piano and, as ever, look dead behind the eyes.

Aretha Franklin’s Hat: Coming Soon To A Weirdo’s Head Near You

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

President Obama’s inauguration was historic on many levels, mostly because it happened in the past.

But when people think of Barack Obama’s inauguration, one thing will rise above all others. No, not the thrill of seeing America's first black president appointed into office. And not the huge number of well-wishers who flocked to Washington to see the ceremony. We’re talking, obviously, about Aretha Franklin‘s stupid hat.

Seriously. Aretha Franklin’s stupid hat has become the latest must-have item. Truly, Obama?s inauguration has paved the way for a bright future where anyone can look like a monumental bellend.

Beyonce is White, L’Oreal Seems to Think

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

It must be a great feeling to be Beyonce Knowles-Z – a strong, black, female role model for millions around the world.

That is, unless a cosmetics company decide to make you white. Then you kind of fall down on part of that description.

It would seem that the make-up behemoths at L’Oreal may just be the types to force this kind of change on the young diva, with claims being made that Beyonce‘s skin tone has been lightened for a magazine ad. The company dispute these allegations.

You know – ‘whitening’ things up to make them more palatable to the masses. They did it with every other element of black culture – the music, the clothing, the lingo – why not start trying to make black celebrities white too?

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard with it – but it’s Friday, and hecklerspray has some drinkin’ to get done. It’s maybe not as bad as that.

PETA Offers To Pay Aretha Franklin’s Fat Old-Lady Taxes

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

When hecklerspray thinks of PETA, we think of the time they rushed our house and 'rescued' a boa constrictor we were keeping in several shoe boxes we'd taped end-to-end-to-end until it passed our dear old grandmother.

Thanks for that PETA. We only hope you gave her poopy bones a decent burial. Also, we're pretty sure she was holding one of our Wii controllers when the snake done ate her, so if you could sift through that stuff…

Now when Aretha Franklin thinks of PETA, she has a different experience all together. 'Tax saviors' may be the term that first comes to her mind. That's because they've just promised to pay all her back house taxes on one condition… she must kill her only child! With a cheese grater! And meat spices!

PETA: Aretha Franklin Dresses Like A Big Twonk

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Aretha Franklin can't help being badly dressed – when you swell up as large as she has, fashion is just a case of cutting a head-hole in the prettiest tarpaulin you can find.

And it gets worse, because animal rights warriors PETA have now declared Aretha Franklin to be the worst dressed celebrity of the year, thanks to all the fur she wears.

It's a fair title too, because Aretha Franklin is easily crueler to animals than any other celebrity. Look at it this way – if Eva Longoria wears a fur coat then maybe 40 animals died to make it. But when Aretha Franklin wants a fur coat, hunters have to kill and skin every single furry animal on the face of the planet – and shave off their own pubes – just to almost stretch over half of one of her gigantic wobbly upper arms.

Beyonce’s Dad Gets The Arseholes With Aretha Franklin

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We hereby take back everything negative we've ever said about the Grammys.

Yes, the Grammys are dull, overlong and self-congratulatory, but if the Grammys didn't exist, then Aretha Franklin's demented tantrum over Beyonce calling Tina Turner 'the queen' instead of her wouldn't exist either. And that's just too priceless to live without.

Especially now that Beyonce's dad has gotten in on the act, too – Matthew Knowles has called Aretha Franklin "childish and unprofessional" for her outburst. We're expecting Aretha's "That's childish, unprofessional and super-super morbidly obese to you," retort to come any second now.