Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Remember Daphne and Celeste? They were cool weren’t they? They went to the Reading festival and out-punked the punks. They did the right thing and quit after their brief success.
Someone else who remembers Daphne and Celeste is Madonna.
How so? Well, her new single, which has been leaked online like an open pus-sore, sounds just like ’em! Or, if you prefer, it sounds like something Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas would put out and subsequently be ashamed of. Wanna hear it?
Tis the season for leaked nude photographs and, sadly, this time around, it’s a hard-bodied Madonna who we’re getting to gawp at, who, at the time of press, is roughly the same age as the horizon.
That’s right! She’s been having a photoshoot and some wag has leaked some snaps of her before anyone can airbrush.
And yes, she’s topless. So no, they’re totally NSFW. They’re not even SFE (‘safe for Earth’).
She might hate hydrangeas, but she sure loves people throwing stupidly shaped balls around! That’s right folks! Madonna is totally going to be the halftime distraction at the next Super Bowl, or Super Bowl XLVI if you can’t count in English.
The Material Girl (we’re forced to use that description by law) will clutter up the pitch with a giant stage on February 5th in Indianapolis, which of course, is famous for a stupid car race, being almost square shaped and having virtually zero sidewalks. Stupid Indianapolis.
But at least they’ll get a massive American Football match and Madonna, eh?
Madonna. Stupid, canny, very bright Madonna. You can throw what you like at her, but like a wily old street fighter, she ducks and weaves before whupping your ass with a bike chain while your back is turned.
The swine.
See, after the hydrangea debacle, we all flung handfuls of faeces at her and hooted our traps off about how she was a spiteful, ungrateful git. And so, Madonna went and made video to answer everyone’s criticisms.
Madonna is so far removed from society, that even small gifts from us plebs make her angry. Gestures are just not enough, as we’re supposed to know exactly what she likes or else we’ll incur her stupid, pointless wrath.
We saw this yesterday on these pages as she turned her aged nose up at a lovely flower, brought to her by some bloke in a suit.
And so, this got us thinking. What flower would we give to Madonna if we were unlucky enough to meet her? Opinions were sought around the ‘spray hovel, and some very interesting answers emerged.
When us mere mortals make some kind of gesture to an incredibly wealthy celebrity, we expect our meagre offerings to be useless to them, but at least met with some vague gratefulness, right?
What on Earth could you offer someone who has probably already bought everything in the world? Including actual humans from Africa.
And so, when someone tried to do something nice for Madonna, instead of simply being pleased that someone wanted to put a smile on that horribly wizened face of hers, she threw it all back at us like a spoiled git.
Madonna. She made a lot of great pop records. A LOT. She’s a successful business woman (when she’s not setting up failed gyms in Mexico) and owns a record label that launched another bunch of stars.
However, one thing she never got right was the movies.
Not that this has stopped her from releasing a new film called W.E. (it’s about Wallis Simpson and blah blah blah) and everyone is expecting a brown trout of a feature. Why does she bother? Let us peer at her terrible movie past.
Madonna is a maniac. She is. You knew that right? She’s gone on a rampage in Malawi and destroyed a school building just because she isn’t as successful or credible as she used to be. It’s an awful, awful state of affairs.
Other schools in impoverished African countries have been put on high-alert as officials worry that Madge could be hellbent on causing catastrophic havoc throughout the fine continent.
With her cold, lifeless eyes and her sinewy, gym-pumped and rage-fed muscles, Madonna took the school down in much the same way as Guile beats cars up in the special level on Street Fighter 2. What will stop her? The death of Lady GaGa?
It’s the end of an era folks. The last remaining stalker that Madonna could call her own has finally been arrested, leaving her with only people who vaguely recognise her left on this godforsaken planet.
That’s right, like the death of the dodo and the velociraptor (incidentally, both of these creatures share looks with Madge), the lesser spotted Madonna Stalker is no more.
The man, who will forever be remembered in Madge’s heart as ‘the last man who cared’ has been reluctantly charged with burglary. It was reported that he broke into Madonna’s London home, where security staff tackled him and wiped away tears as they considered a future without anything to do.
Remember Madonna? Of course you do! She was the star of Body of Evidence and Swept Away! She’s released a few records as well, which have done alright. You’ll remember she was behind tunes such as ‘American Pie’ and ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’. She definitely wrote those.
Anyway, Madonna’s stock has fallen of late thanks to a bad marriage to a mockney director called Guy and some a series of photographs that have made her look alarmingly like Iggy Pop.
And so, like a pop-version of C. Montgomery Burns, she needs an injection of youth. And so, she’s going to stand next to the cast of Glee for a tour, no doubt leaving her looking like a walking elbow scrag monster chasing children through a playground.
