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apprentice

Sir Alan Sugar Fires Himself From Amstrad

by Stuart Heritage

Listen, we don’t know how to tell you this – it’s as much of a shock to us as it will be to you – but Alan Sugar, he’s… he’s gone.

Dead? No, of course he’s not dead. But Sir Alan Sugar has stepped down as chairman of his company Amstrad after 40 years. That means that all those wonderful jokes about the crappy-looking, pointlessly impractical email telephones he hawked so mercilessly during the first few seasons of The Apprentice are all worthless now. Really, he may as well be dead.

Anyway, even though he’s left Amstrad, Sir Alan Sugar’s still going to be the terrifying boss figure on The Apprentice. However, there’s bound to be some changes – those taking part in next year’s Apprentice will now be battling for a prestigious £100k a year job keeping watch for the rozzers while Sir Alan flogs boxes of unsold email phones from the back of a van in an MFI car park.

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

The great and the suck for this week.

Folded:

* Composer Michael Hunter (Soviet Connection – awesome tune. What next for this Scottish prodigy?)

* Pising in the Driving Seat (“Having lived life in the fast lane for well over a decade, it’s no surprise to me that my back hair’s begun to fall out”)

* Cadbury’s ‘Twisted’ (a Creme Egg in a bar. Better than a Twix anyway)

* Indiana Jones icons (so the new movie was a bit of a letdown, at least you can reminisce about the old ones with these pointless little desktop doobries)

* Lucinda (an annoying moaner really, but she knew how to dress)

Creased:

* House prices drop, rental prices go up (been to an estate agent recently? Congratulations, you can afford to live in a box)

* Summer of Big Brother idiots again (surely not one sane person over 15 years old actually looks forward to this ‘event’ anymore?)

* GTA IV Obsession (you can’t go around saying “If you don’t mind” all the time in real life, people don’t like it)

* Cheesy feet (then don’t wear shoes and no socks in or slippers in summer; don’t wear slippers at all in fact)

* Alex (he probably sleeps in a onesie at home. Big baby)

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People Genuinely Want To Kill Sacked Apprentice Posho

by Stuart Heritage

For all the talk of enterprise and skill-sets, it’s no secret that people only watch The Apprentice because all the contestants are awful, awful tosspots.

And this year the level of Apprentice awfulness seems to be higher than ever. So awful, in fact, that the first Apprentice reject Nicholas De Lacy-Brown claims to have received death threats from angry viewers.

Now, while we only have Nicholas De Lacy-Brown’s word on this – and the man honestly seems like such a bimbling twat that he’d molest his own granny if it got him some headlines – we can’t help but wish it was true. After all, if you’re going to send death threats to someone, what better reason is there than because they briefly underestimated the wholesale price of lobster? We hear that that’s how Salman Rushdie got his fatwa, too.

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Piers Morgan Wins Celebrity Apprentice Despite Being Piers Morgan

by Paul Sorrenti

Piers Morgan Wins Celebrity Apprentice Despite Being Piers MorganPiers Morgan has won the final of NBC’s ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’.

Or, to put it another way, Piers Morgan went to America looking for success, and America (and by America we mean Donald Trump – same thing) looked back at Piers Morgan and replied “Sure, why not? You are a man with all the qualities required to succeed here. Your wish is our command”.

What is wrong with America? It all started off so positively some 40,000 years ago when a bunch of wandering nomads from Asia decided to set up camp. They had a quaint little society going on, and for thousands of years everything was wonderful, but then in 1492 a wop named Chris landed on the shore and it all turned to shit.

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