apprentice - HecklerSpray

Young Apprentice Review: Smashing Gender Stereotypes

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Shopping. If there's one thing teenage girls are meant to be good at, it's that. Right? Well, apparently not. For last night on Young Apprentice, Lord Sugar?s minions proved that particular stereotype spectacularly wrong.

The task they were set was simple enough; they just had to buy stuff. That's it. Not buy stuff and sell it on, not buy stuff and brand it, not buy stuff and make an ad for it. No. Just buy stuff. Specifically, they had to buy 10 items for the waxwork figures at Madame Tussauds.

we're not sure if the Sith Lord was intending to use the task to smash gender stereotypes, or if he's just recruited a particularly useless bunch this year. Either way, they were utterly hopeless.

The Apprentice Review: The Final Indignity

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Last night was the Apprentice final. The week where we get to finally find out who wins, and what they're going to do with Lord Sugar?s money! But really, who cared who won? MARGARET WAS BACK. Everybody loves Margaret. Except maybe the Apprentice candidates, who had to face her wrath in their interviews.

It wasn?t just Margaret doing the interviewing though. No, Lord Sugar had brought in a team of four scary-looking people who were out to make the candidates cry, and scream, and maybe piss themselves. And so, we got to find out their rubbish business plans. And more importantly, their massive flaws. Because let's be honest, they're bound to be more crap than good.

Susan wanted to expand her existing business and make everyone pretty. Unfortunately though, she's both a tax-dodger and a bit of an idiot. She had no idea what it takes to actually set up a company, or to get her products tested, or even that you're meant to pay tax and national insurance, but she'd read about it on the internet. Apparently this means She'll make ?1m profit in her first year. Nobody seemed convinced, but her confidence remained unaffected.

The Apprentice: Melody Takes Over the World

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Last night The Apprentice dabbled in poor Franglais and mildly racist yet entirely subconscious accents. Yes, Lord Sugar sent his minions to Paris to sell their crap to the French. He wants international business people, you see, as you?can't take over the world if your company?s only in the UK.

Unfortunately for everyone else, Melody was the only one who could actually speak French, setting in motion her plan for world domination. She's like The Brain, but with better eyeliner. And Leon was her (slightly more attractive) Pinky.

Before Melody could get cracking with taking over everything though, Lord Sugar needed to rejig the teams. Helen got booted over to Venture, where Susan put herself forward for project manager, despite seemingly having no idea what France even is. That was OK though, because she got to play with fun little products, like the kiddy?s chair and the kiddy backpack. She clearly missed it when Lord Sugar told her to act like a ?Big Person? at the end of last week.

Facebook Founder Teams Up With Bill Gates For Charity

December 15th, 2010 By Kris Silver

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is apparently a really nice guy. Him and some of his nerdy mates have pledged to give all their stupidly vast fortunes away to noble causes either during their lifetimes or after their death.

Presumably this is so we all forget all the data and privacy problems Facebook has been plagued with recently, plus the way Zuckerberg was portrayed as the world's biggest bell-end in David Fincher?s film, The Social Network.

Bill Gates, the lord of the geeks and former one man bank came up with the scheme to get the obscenely wealthy to say they?ll give their billions away at some point down the line to benefit the less fortunate, with his wife Melinda and some fella named Warren Buffett (who we're reliably informed is some sort of investment banker, you know, like Chris Bates from the Apprentice).

Apprentice Week 9: Spunking Cash Up The Wall

August 5th, 2012 By Kris Silver

If there's one thing this nation needs more of, its smug gits in business attire spunking away money that isn't theirs whilst being rewarded with lavish amounts of champagne and opportunities to stab those who have irked them squarely between the shoulders.

Yes, that's right, it's week 9 of The Apprentice!

This week everyone's favourite job applicants have the task of buying 10 rare items with a budget of ?1500. Whoever spent the least won the task. Simples. There were obviously fines for failing to procure all the items or for not turning up to the boardroom on time, just in case anyone fancied playing fast and loose with the rules.

The Apprentice Week 3: A Baguette Of Boredom

August 5th, 2012 By Kris Silver

In the first 2 weeks of the Apprentice we saw the candidates tackle Bangers and Beaches. This week our intrepid job-seekers took on another couple of words starting with the letter b, namely baking and boredom.

Lord Sugar told his gaggle of personality deficient buzzword soundboards that they had to go about, ?turning flour into serious dough.?

What followed was an hour of television that was less interesting and engaging than waiting in line at Greggs.

TV Review: Junior Apprentice Episode 1

May 13th, 2010 By Nik Johnson

Remember when you were 16? It was just like Skins, right? An orgy of drugs, violence and sex. Or, like 95% of people on the Internet, it was furtive, frantic masturbation the moment you were alone and trying to get served in pubs.

You probably didn't spend those precious years running an international importing and distribution business. If you thought the dicks on The Apprentice were hateful turds, The Junior Apprentice is sure to boil your piss in new ways. It's one thing when the back-stabbing business-botherers are ten years older than you, but when they look like they've rolled on set straight from an episode of Grange Hill, it's somewhat dispiriting.

Yes, it's The Junior Apprentice, in which six teenagers prove they have the mettle to argue with Lord Alan, who sits peering and at them and scrutinising like a fussy paedophile, while Karren Brady, with her daft spelling, glares at them like Margaret Mountford, only older and weirder.

WEBTHUMP! Monday 1 June 2009

August 6th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

10 – Ladies and gentlemen, our new favourite website. Hit ‘random’ and discover why – 5secondfilms

9 – A bunch more reasons to be terrified of caterpillars – Environmentalgraffiti

8 – Bear Grylls and Will Ferrell – a marriage made in… what? They’re not married? Fine – YouTube

7 – 20 flat-out amazing TV adverts for different sorts of Star Wars crap – Gunaxin

TV Review: The Apprentice, BBC1, 25/03

August 5th, 2012 By Keith Emmerson

we're the best there is, ever was, and ever will be. In fact, we're the Jesus of business and we?d kill every child ever used on a Huggies or Andrex advert to win, the cuter the deader.

That's right, The Apprentice is back! Just in time too, as we need something to fill in the time between series of Dancing on Ice.

If you've ever watched this humility free reality show before then basically you've seen them all. There's a bunch of contestants who are dead behind the eyes, all vying for a job at Sir Alan Sugar?s workhouse.

The Restaurant’s Third Course: Coming Soon

March 25th, 2009 By Keith Emmerson

Remember that reality TV show which was a bit like The Apprentice but focused on the contestants? restaurant-owning acumen rather than the art of arse-kissing Alan Sugar called The Restaurant? Well it is back for a third series.

That's right, Raymond Blanc is returning to judge nine couples who think that they can run an eatery because they once threw a successful dinner party so they can join him in restaurant running Disneyland. However this time Raymond says, ?This year will be survival of the fittest. I am not looking for dreamers, I want to see couples with fresh ideas and a partnership that will flourish under pressure.? He says that every time, though, doesn't he?