Worrying reports are beginning to reach the hecklerspray news desk of spontaneous combustion among children. 

Reports so far are sketchy but it is thought that the exact demographic affected is girls & boys between the ages of 11 & 17. Parents are being advised to keep their children away from the internet for the foreseeable future to limit the risk of catastrophic explosion.

Experts have warning that if the spread of these fiery paroxysms isn’t stemmed immediately, it could lead to a cataclysmic chain reaction that could- if predictions are accurate- wipe out all human life on the planet, leaving Earth in the paws of Dormice.

Epidemiologists are hard at work trying to establish the root cause of the problem but rumours circulating on the internet suggest this may be the beginning of a phenomenon known as “Biebergeddon“- the destruction of life as we know it, directly proportional to the actions of Canadian pop singer Justin Bieber.

The exact “flash point” of this mysterious outbreak is unknown but our exclusive hecklerspray source has suggested that it relates to a crossover in fandoms between former Ellen Degeneres lookalike Bieber and UK boy band The Wanted. It is thought that Bieber’s acknowledgement of The Wanted on Twitter has sparked this epidemic of spontaneous combustion which is currently spreading across Britain and the United States of America, with many more countries likely to fall within the next two to three hours.

The offending tweet is reproduced below. It has been censored in case any teenagers happen upon it. Should any responsible adults wish to see the full tweet, an unedited version is available by clicking on the image.

Suggestions that the condition was exacerbated by Wanted member Tom Parker‘s response, suggesting that the two acts might actually be “bros” and therefore, in the modern vernacular, “friends”. This is allegedly responsible for up to 25% of the erroneous blow-outs.

Current government advice suggests that all children who fall within the demographic should be wrapped in fireproof blankets to prevent the spread of fire and should be quarantined in an area free of a broadband connection.

Parents are reminded of the potential dangers of so-called “smart” mobile phones which are able to grant access to the internet. A US/UK government task force is currently deploying quarantine units in the centre of all major cities, where laptops, tablets and phones can be deposited for safe-keeping.

So far, the UN has stopped short of declaring a State of Emergency and the British Medical Association & World Health Organisation have both moved to deny the existence of Biebergeddon, suggesting that the heightened state of alert is a result of tabloid scaremongering and that the actual numbers of spontaneous combustions are in the tens rather than the hundreds of thousands, as reported by major news organisations.

To all citizens of the world we say only this: stay safe out there & All Hail Our Dormice Overlords!

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

The world’s end has been predicted more times than we can count. Personally we feel that civilisation as we know it will meet its end at the hands (ironically) of a giant ostrich sometime in September. That’s what our dream journal strongly seems to indicate.

Others – like the ancient Mayans – had a different opinion. They think we’re all going up in flames come 2012.

What are you reading this for when you should be in telling your mom just how much you love her? Seriously – get to it. Because as of Dec 22, 2012 you won’t be able to because you’ll both be dead. As will everybody else for that matter – at least according to some.

You see there are an awful lot of people who think 2012 will be the year wherein Mother Earth and Father Time both suffer unavoidable heart attacks. A big chunk of why people believe this lies firmly in Mayan alleged prophecy. The Mayans, a civilisation that lived in the America’s starting around 1800 BC, were geniuses – they had the only completely developed written American language before Columbus landed on their salty shores, and they were so in tune with the stars that they somehow used them to decipher the future or something.

And they made crazy complex calendars with interlocking parts. Wikipedia puts  it this way:

“The Maya calendar is a system of distinct calendars and almanacs used by the Maya civilization of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, and by some modern Maya communities in highland Guatemala. These calendars can be synchronized and interlocked, their combinations giving rise to further, more extensive cycles. The essentials of the Maya calendric system are based upon a system which had been in common use throughout the region, dating back to at least the 6th century BC… Although the Mesoamerican calendar did not originate with the Maya, their subsequent extensions and refinements of it were the most sophisticated. Along with those of the Aztecs, the Maya calendars are the best-documented and most completely understood.”

The great Mayan calendar mystery puts people on edge because the calendar itself allegedly stops at the end of that year. Some argue that it’s just because they ran out of stone – others say its because those ancient people knew something we don’t. Whatever the cause – it’s not the only indicator of an apocalypse that year. Some Buddhists seem to agree. We pulled this next bit off of Cogwriter.com:

“The Tibetans Kalachakra contains a prophecy that 860 years after its introduction into Tibet, which happened in 1127, the conditions would be fulfilled for a twenty-five year period that would culminate in the appearance of the Tibetan version of New Jerusalem, the hidden city of Shamballa. Eight hundred and sixty years after 1127 is 1987, and 25 years after that is 2012.”

The same website also says the Hopi Indians had similar legends:

“The Hopi prophecy is an oral tradition of stories that Hopis say predicted the coming of the white man, the world wars and nuclear weapons. And it predicts that time will end when humanity emerges into the “fifth world.” The Mayan calendar predicts a similar end in 2012; some Hopis have said their prophecy roughly coincides with that time. The tradition says the years after 2012 could be a golden age with humans at peace. It also says the world will go through a time of trial, suffering and purification before a time of “one-heartedness”"

You may find yourself astonished to learn that the Mayan calendar maker who lived all those years ago may not have intended any sort of prophetic poise. After all – the calendar itself makes no predictions. Not only that – the entire calendar doesn’t even end in 2012 – it seems to speak more of a major worldwide transition. Perhaps some take that as an indicator of the second coming. Maybe others believe that’ll simply be the time when cable prices finally get regulated to a scale poor people can afford.

Whatever the case – an awful lot of folks are expecting something major to go down. As for us – we’re digging a large pit in our backyard and intend to fill it full of Twinkies and a cockroach roaster. That ought to tide us over until the major turmoil ends.

Speaking of which – if someone could please invent a cockroach roaster by that time we’d be ever-grateful.

Just make sure it’s portable.

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It was written that this day would come.

The Egyptian Sun God Horus; who was naturally begat by Jesus Christ; who was echoed by Nostradamus, and then, most poignantly of all, by Travis Bickle; all spake of a day when the worth of the people of the world would reach such a trough that our almighty lord God would be left with no alternative but to unleash a mighty rain to wash the scum off the streets.

And that day is nigh, our brothers, for 85,000 people have volunteered to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend.

You can waste your time watching as many Al Gore documentaries as you like, but believe hecklerspray when we tell you that global warming is nothing but a 5* hotel-funded conspiracy.

The reason that that tidal wave hit Phuket; the reason that Mardi Gras is now held in a swamp; the reason that the cuckoo now prefers to spend its holidays somewhere other than Kent; is solely down to the existence of Paris Hilton, her mind-numbing minions, MTV and the soon-to-be aired TV show I wanna be Paris’ New Best Friend.

According to People magazine, 85,000 people are seeking a chance to become Paris Hilton’s BFF.

That is far more than enough to fill Wembley stadium. In fact, hecklerspray would like to suggest to MTV that they try to cram all those people into Wembley Stadium.

The ensuing Hillsborough-esque disaster would hopefully go someway to appeasing our understandably furious Lord.

We’d also like to take a moment to apologise to the Lord for our recent reports suggesting the show was in danger of being axed, due to a lack of applicants.

Very embarrassing indeed. It seems no one’s subconscious – not even that of hecklerspray’s – is safe from the retard-tainting of Ms Hilton. On behalf of all humanity, we’d like to apologise for how greatly we’ve let you down.

And so, Lord, from the bottom of our hearts, we thank you for the rain which you are about to unleash.

However, if, by any chance, you could find it in your heart to be more specific with your punishment, then hecklerspray would like to point out that on May 1 Good Charlotte will be performing at Sunfest, in West Palm Beach, Florida, along with Natasha Bedingfield and John Legend.

There is surely no more apt a place for Armageddon to commence.

Read More – Pick me, Paris! 85, 000 vie to be Hilton’s new BFF – AFP