Welcome back #friends, #romans and #teamfollowback! How the devil are you? Good. Good. Still beliebing? Us too. Yep. Despite it all. No, we didn’t do much for #Malickmonday either, we were too wiped out from #1Dmemories. Yeah, we know. Yeah, we must have used the whole tub of antiseptic wipes too. Boy, what a Friday night to remember that was. Who even needs repression anyway? So funny.
SO, after the roaring success of last week’s pilot feature Dr Heckle (two retweets, and a phone call off mother saying she hasn’t had time to read the article yet because she’d just bought Ice Age 3 on DVD, but that she still loves us because she didn’t have a Caesarean) we are back!
Like #Backstreet, and #Sexy, and #Shady, and #BabyGot are also unswervingly pretty back. We never let you guys down, because we’re all understanding and streetwise but still like to have a good time as long as we take care of our responsibilities lol. You know what we’re like when we get protective. Just think of it like this: We are the Three Men and you are the Little Lady. Great. Now we’re on the same page.
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LET’S GET READY TO RHUMBLE! Supposedly hilarious Geordie duo Ant and Dec have put their fists where their mouths are and challenged the entire world to a fight.
After Ant (PJ) was attacked in a pub earlier this week for allegedly insulting the presenters of OK! TV for being “lobotomised scum-weasels”, Declan Donnelly (Duncan) has come out in support of his embattled friend with unusual vigour.
The BAFTA-winning ‘cheeky’ pair who are renowned for peddling inane, mawkish drivel to ITV’s dribbling weekend audience have seen their fair share of adversity since being plucked from the ganglands of Byker Grove in the early 1990s and have been implicated in multiple incidences of arms dealing and drug smuggling as well as extortion of charities.
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Is there anything more delightful of an evening than a beer and some unwarranted violence? Of course not, it’s what makes us British. Tea, banging on nostalgically about the blitz and fighting in pubs, are as quintessentially British as having Prince Charles play national anthem on a kazoo while you shave a Union Jack into your pubic hair. Rule Britannia!
Something else quintessentially British is Ant and Dec. No other country in the world would embrace a couple of midgets from the third world (Newcastle) whose main talent seem to be that you can never figure out which is which.
Although, we’re going to have to figure it out now.
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Fun and slightly less so.
Folded:
- BAFTA Best Film nod for The Hurt Locker (hopefully more people will see this excellent film now)
- Tax deadline (no, it’s not a good thing, but we’re putting it near the top so you don’t forget)
- Christina Hendricks at the Golden Globes (feminine, classy, ‘globes’ jokes appropriate)
- Free stuff (work in media, you’ll get it all the time. Shame most of it comprises XL T-shirts, but hey, it’s free)
- Depressing January is nearly over (not long now, try not to kill yourself. Hang on; isn’t February supposed to be even more miserable? Oh dear)
Creased:
- Ant and Dec win again (and we all lose)
- Getting your hair cut in winter (is a stupid idea because you will suddenly be very cold. Plus, if you’re a fella you’ll realise how bald you’re getting)
- Mariah Carey at the Golden Globes (streaky tan, shiny face, ‘globes’ jokes appropriate)
- Beige (it’s fashionable this year. Like you care)
- Saturday early evening television (Ant and Dec are bad, but they’re not even the worst)
Britain’s Got Talent on Saturday began to tell us which 40 acts were to perform again for the public vote.
And you’ll never guess which Oprah-loving, Obama-hating, probably metal bar-bending Sottish singer made it.
Give yourself ten points and a furtive crotch massage if you guessed Susan Boyle, she of The Voice, The Modesty and The Physical Characteristics Of A Balloon Rubbed On A Jumper Then Passed Over A Hairdresser’s Floor.
And Then Covered In Your Granny’s Christmas Wrapping Paper.
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With the exception of the time when one of them was shot on the eyes with a paintball gun and went blind, Ant and Dec have never been in so much trouble.
Between ripping off viewers with rigged text-in competitions and now the news that a British Comedy Award they won was also rigged, the cheeky Geordie bobbleheads are now neck-deep in shit. Which, since it’s Ant and Dec, is about three inches of shit.
Now Ant and Dec, who appear to be oblivious to all these vote-fixing shenanigans, have said they are ‘appalled’ by the scandal. Hopefully not appalled enough to quit television forever, though, because that just leaves film and music for them to return to and, lord, haven’t we suffered enough already?
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With the exception of the time when one of them was shot on the eyes with a paintball gun and went blind, Ant and Dec have never been in so much trouble.
Between ripping off viewers with rigged text-in competitions and now the news that a British Comedy Award they won was also rigged, the cheeky Geordie bobbleheads are now neck-deep in shit. Which, since it's Ant and Dec, is about three inches of shit.
Now Ant and Dec, who appear to be oblivious to all these vote-fixing shenanigans, have said they are 'appalled' by the scandal. Hopefully not appalled enough to quit television forever, though, because that just leaves film and music for them to return to and, lord, haven't we suffered enough already?
