Well well, maybe that American Idol Judge’s Save gimmick wasn’t as hopelessly poo-headed as we all thought.

Just look at Matt Giraud. Everyone figured that, after his save last week, he’d be kicked off American Idol last night. But no. Instead Matt Giraud remains on American Idol, while Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai got booted.

So does this mean that Matt Giraud will win American Idol? No, it means that he’s slightly better at singing than Anoop Desai and Lil Rounds. But we know rape alarms that are better at singing than Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai, so whoopty bloody doo.

It’s been a long time coming – so long, in fact, that we’ve already formed entirely fictitious memories of how perfect life was back in the early stages of the season – but American Idol has finally revealed its top five contestants. And it’s with some degree of authority that we can declare that this year’s American Idol will be won by either Adam Lambert, Dead Wife Bloke, That Other Man, A Woman or Whichever One We’ve Missed Out.

And, whatever you think of American Idol, you’ve got to hand it to the show – that sure is one talented bunch of people who’d largely go unrecognised in the street.

However, although we’re thrilled that it won’t be long before everyone gets to stop pretending that Adam Lambert isn’t very obviously going to win American Idol, we’re a little sad that Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai were kicked off American Idol in a double elimination last night. A little sad, mind you. Maybe sad is the wrong word. We noticed that Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai were kicked off American Idol last night. There, that’s better. Reuters reports:

Rounds, who sang “I’m Every Woman,” and Desai, who performed “Dim All the Lights,” had both faced elimination in recent weeks by repeatedly placing among the bottom vote-getters, and both seemed resigned to their fates. “I’m still really disappointed,” Desai, of Chapel Hill, North Carolina, said during the program. “I’m coming home,” added Rounds, addressing her husband and three children.

The elimination won’t have come as a surprise to Lil Rounds, who’s been informed week after week that she’s a terrible singer, but Anoop Desai really put the effort in for this week’s American Idol. By which we mean that he didn’t shave for a couple of days. You know, like George Michael. Or that homeless man who threw a bottle at us when we caught him going through our bins the other day. He deserved more.

But although it’s the end of American Idol for Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai, they can still return home with their heads held high. After all, not all of us can say that our life peaked during a two-month period of time when a smug British man with bad hair and granny teeth consistently mocked our lack of ability and stage presence in front of an audience of millions, can we? No. Not all of us can say that.

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American Idol loves theme nights – like Michael Jackson night, country night and dress the blind kid up funny night.

And on last night’s show? American Idol loosened things up by letting the contestants sing whatever they wanted. But don’t be fooled, because American Idol still had a name for the night – it was the iTunes Top Downloads night.

The theme certainly confused some of the American Idol contestants – Adam Lambert performed Play That Funky Music, but Megan Joy covered an audiobook of selected Oscar Wilde short stories and Anoop Desai gave a heartbreaking rendition of the National Rail Enquiries iPhone app.

With the American Idol eliminations in full swing – leaving former contestants as nothing more than funny-eyebrowed memories – it’s time to reflect on how this season will be remembered. For the sake of space, let’s just say that we’re hoping to sustain some kind of concussion that means we won’t be able to remember it at all.

You can broadly divide the remaining American Idol contestants into three groups – the pity-magnets, the annoying novelty acts and the singers so breathtakingly anonymous that we’re still not convinced that they aren’t just blow-up dolls filled with sausagemeat. And none of them are particularly good.

This season of American Idol is so bad that the winner is probably going to end up being a boy who looks like a 45-year-old emo and sings like a rape alarm slowly running out of batteries, for crying out loud.

And the paucity of talent on this year’s American Idol hit home last night, during the clunkily-titled iTunes Top Downloads night – incidentally, next week’s theme is Top Jingles Of Television Commercials About Pharmaceuticals night – because without a clear guide as to exactly what they were supposed to sound like, many of the American Idol contestants fell apart. As such, Reuters has compiled a list of Simon Cowell‘s feedback from last night:

Anoop Desai, who performed Usher’s “Caught Up”

Simon: “It was a little bit like a college boy wanting to be a pop star and failing. It actually gave me a headache.”

Megan Joy, who sang Bob Marley’s “Turn Your Lights Down Low.”

Simon: “All of the things we liked about you are disappearing.”

Lil Rounds, who performed “I Surrender” by Celine Dion

Simon: “All of your personality is being sucked out of you.”

But despite all this, last night wasn’t without its high points. For instance, the American Idol wardrobe department continued its bizarre vendetta against blind Scott MacIntyre by giving him a new haircut that made him look like David Hasselhoff‘s malformed twin. And Allison Iraheta came dressed as Avril Lavigne‘s prehistoric ancestor which, while being so horrifying that it literally prevented us from sleeping last night, was distracting enough.

Plus, watching the performances knowing that one of the American Idol contestants will end up getting their dreams smashed to pieces in front of their eyes the next day was fun, although that’s nothing new.

Not that any of them will want to be eliminated during tonight’s show, of course – they’re all desperate to take part in next week’s theme night. We hear it’s Singing The Words ‘Delicious Coca-Cola’ To The Hits Of The Beatles night. Fun!

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