Just a hunch, but we expect the number of Tiger Woods mistresses to rise exponentially in the next few days.

Because, well, woof. Look at him. Look at Tiger Woods, all topless and buff and photographed by Annie Leibovitz on the cover of Vanity Fair. Why, even we’d do anything to get a piece of that – even if it meant submitting ourselves to gender realignment surgery, inserting ridiculous oversized cannonballs where our boobs should be, punching ourselves in the mouth until our lips ballooned to a comical degree and then coating ourselves in 15 coats of all-weather wood preserve. That does seem to be his type, after all.

Anyway, Tiger Woods is on the front cover of Vanity Fair. That was our point.

One of the most enduring questions about the Tiger Woods affair is ‘why?’

That’s not as in ‘why did Tiger Woods jeopardise his marriage and the psychological well-being of his children by embarking on a never-ending series of meaningless indiscretions?’ – but ‘why on Earth would anyone want to sleep with Tiger Woods?’ After all, the man is not only a professional golfer – making him more dull than a monotonous, four-hour audio description of a relief sculpture of the periodic table made out of dust read by Member Of Parliament for Woking Humfrey Malins – but a professional golfer who endorses Buicks. Talk about a turn-off.

However, it seems like several women did sleep with Tiger Woods, and here’s why:

1) He’s a billionaire,

2) All the women he’s slept with look a bit ropey,

3) When Tiger Woods takes his top off, it’s clear that he has the body of a gleaming Adonis.

We’ve only just worked that last one out, because a topless photo of Tiger Woods, as taken by Annie Leibovitz four years ago, is on the cover of this month’s Vanity Fair magazine. So that’ll boost Tiger’s ego a bit. Sadly, the photo accompanies a lengthy article detailing exactly why Tiger Woods is such a woeful shit of a man, which probably won’t do his ego much good. From the Vanity Fair article:

“There was no way of ever knowing Tiger Woods — not in golf, beyond witnessing the machine-like relentlessness that made him the most remarkable athlete of our time, and not outside of golf, because he never showed any real part of himself off the course.”

Yeah yeah, blah blah blah, intellectually rationalise things all you want, Vanity Fair, but nobody’s going to buy your magazine for all the stupid words, are they? They’ll be buying it for all the red-hot pictures of Tiger Woods’ sad face and perky nipples.

Although why they’d even bother doing that is anyone’s guess – we’re sure that, if things keep progressing in the manner that they have been, Tiger Woods will be using the same photos to illustrate his Craigslist Casual Encounters ads soon enough.

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Miley Cyrus rocked the stage last night at the Disney Channel Games Concert, sporting another piece of pornographic attire.

As she thanked fans for their support, singing some old hits and some new, she strutted about the stage in skin-tight, virginal-white jeans and top to match, which left very little to the imagination.

The outfit made a clear definition of the shape of her breasts and bottom. One source who attended the gig told hecklerspray:

It was disgusting. I was standing there, wanting to have an innocent boogie to some of the finest pop-music this millennium has had to offer when, all of a sudden, 15-year-old Miley appears, looking beautiful and slightly sexually arousing, and now I feel like a paedophile. This has got to stop. This would never have happened if Al-Qaeda were in control; either get the girl a hijab and let me boogie in unaroused peace, or burn her.

A week has now passed since Miley momentarily interrupted the earth’s orbit by getting her filthy underage back out for Annie Leibovitz’s camera.

The world didn’t know what to do with itself. It asked questions like ‘is this pornography?’ and ‘how could a Disney sweetheart be such a slut?’ and ‘what is the point in living anymore?’

The reason the world asked such questions is because it is an incredibly stupid place, which God will soon have his merry way with.

Pornography is defined as ‘sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal ‘ and as we can all see, the primary purpose of those photos was to get the idiots of the world barking about Miley’s integrity until she became the biggest celebrity in the world.

Hats off.

Come on world, we’re living in a day and age when people like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are the most idolised figures on you. The youth of today wants to be like these people. And how did Paris, Britney and Lindsay get there? By acting like sluts. If you’re offended by it then stop bloody paying them attention!

Miley said to the crowd last night:

I hope you had an awesome time. I saw a sign back there that said, ‘Miley, I’m praying for you.’ I could not be more appreciative. Thank you guys for all your support. Without you, none of this would be possible. I love everyone of you and I could not be more appreciative. God bless you.

Dear God,

Please look down kindly upon Miley Cyrus. We’re all terribly worried for her, despite the fact she’s the most successful 15-year-old in the world and, rather than praying for you to help the far more urgent state of our intelligence, we’d like to ask you to make sure that Miley continues in her battle to take over the world, at least until her inevitable horrific decline.

Amen.

Read More – Miley Thanks Fans For Support – People

Miley Cyrus has managed to get through a photo shoot without flashing her jail-bait back to anyone.

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Josef Fritzl has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system and its confused morals!

Oh, sweet Cyrus, it’s all cosy now. You’re America’s golden child and the whole country has got your back. But soon you’ll want your freedom; you’ll want to go out to clubs and meet male people who’ll want to introduce you to Mr Winky!

You’ll probably find that you’re naturally inclined to like Mr Winky too, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Miley, but you will be ashamed – because you’re the Disney girl.

Disney girls don’t do sex, they get impregnated by swirling kisses, their babies delivered to them by stalks, and as the DUIs and the rehab visits steadily increase as you fail to deal with the forever blossoming fact that nobody lives happily ever after in this horrible world, we’ll still be here, gawping at you and gawping at you, safe in the knowledge that your resultant disintegrating, achey-breaky heart was exactly what we were after.

That’s one potential future at least.

In the new pictures, she is standing fully-clothed in between Mickey and Minnie Mouse, all three of them with post-coitus-ish smiles stretched across their face.

We are not suggesting for one moment that Mickey, Minnie and Miley had a Disneyfied three-way – why would you even think that? The style of their smile is merely a coincidence. Not that we wouldn’t wish it upon Mickey – God knows he must be bored after a centuries worth of fucking that particular squeaky dullard. We bet he dreams of Minnie taking part in an Annie Leibovitz photoshoot!

God damn it Minnie! Rip that soccer-mom dress off, open up your spindly-kegs, show Mickey the rat of the mouse and finally give him something worthwhile to write home to Pluto about.

There were rumours that Disney wanted to cease all links with Miley after she showed her back breasts to the world, but they’re pretty much ended now with this photo-shoot, along with her upcoming performance at the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando on Saturday.

Stay tuned for all the latest Miley Cyrus news, coming to you from a world called hecklerspray.

Read more – Miley Cyrus back in squeaky-clean mode after topless shoot – Telegraph

There’s an angry mob forming over those ‘topless’ Miley Cyrus pictures in Vanity Fair – but the question is, whose house shall we burn down first?

We can’t burn down Miley Cyrus’ house because she’s already apologised to her fans and blamed all the evil grown-ups for exploiting her – so that just leaves Annie Leibovitz, the woman who took the photos of Miley Cyrus in the first place. Let’s get her!

Except we can’t, because Annie Leibovitz has apologised for the Miley Cyrus photos as well. OK, maybe ‘apologised’ is a strong word – instead Annie Leibovitz has called everyone stupid for not appreciating the beauty of her art, but she phrased it like an apology. An apology that we accept. We think. Oh, we’re so confused. Let’s burn down the camera factories!

We’ve just invented a new rule by which to live our lives – we’ll never ever let Annie Leibovitz take our photo. Look at her track record – Annie Leibovitz takes a picture of John Lennon, John Lennon gets shot. Annie Leibovitz takes a picture of the Queen, the controller of BBC1 has to resign. Annie Leibovitz takes a picture of Miley Cyrus, everyone gets so offended that their eyes shrivel up and their brains explode. It’s a pattern, that’s for sure.

The new edition of Vanity Fair shows an Annie Leibovitz picture of Miley Cyrus topless, or at least topless if it weren’t for both of her arms and a giant blanket that covers 90% of her body. Not really topless at all, come to think of it, but that hasn’t stopped Disney Channel spokesmen and outraged groups from frothing and wailing about exploitation and the loss of innocence and child manipulation and whatnot.

However, even though Miley Cyrus and Miley Cyrus’ parents and some of Miley Cyrus’ representatives were present during this ‘topless’ photoshoot and were able to see exactly what all the pictures looked like as they were being taken, Miley Cyrus has already apologised to her fans, claiming that she was somehow tricked into posing for them.

So that puts the blame squarely at the feet of Annie Leibovitz, right? She’s the evil monster who took the photos, so what does she have to say for herself? Is she sorry for being such a child-manipulating witch? Is she? Huh? Turns out she sort of is a bit, as OK reports:

In a statement released on Monday, Annie said: “I’m sorry that my portrait of Miley has been misinterpreted. Miley and I looked at fashion photographs together and we discussed the picture in that context before we shot it. The photograph is a simple, classic portrait, shot with very little makeup, and I think it is very beautiful.”

Beautiful? Ugh, you massive paedo-fetishist! It’s a picture of a mostly-dressed teenager, for god’s sake! That’s sick and disgusting and it might end up slightly reducing the absurd tidal wave of cash that Miley Cyrus has created for Disney! Won’t you think of Disney, Annie Leibovitz, you disgusting monster? What’s Disney going to do for money now? The Aristocats 2? You make us sick, Annie Leibovitz. Sick.

However, if you’re a 15-year-old girl reading this, be sure to take this very important moral from the story: never let a world-renowned photographer take your picture. Feel free to take amateur photos of yourself rolling around in your underwear and upload them onto the internet, because nobody seems to mind too much about those. Just don’t have any less risque ones taken professionally, OK?

Read more:

MILEY PHOTOS WERE ‘MISINTERPRETED’ – OK