Your Madonnas and your Jon & Kates might get the headlines, but divorce connoisseurs know real quality when they see it.

And Anne Heche, make no mistake, is quality. She used to be a lesbian until she was cured by the power of her mother’s prayers. She sometimes believes that she’s the half-sister of Jesus and has the power to communicate with aliens. And she spent more or less the entire duration of a recent Letterman interview laying into her just-divorced ex-husband for no good reason whatsoever. Like we said, Anne Heche is quality.

Yes, there’s video after the jump…

First, let’s contextualise this a little bit. Anne Heche – who you may know as the lesbian who split up from Ellen DeGeneres on God’s orders, or as the woman who once turned up at a stranger’s house high on Ecstasy and declared that God was about to take her to heaven in a spaceship, or as the woman whose gay Baptist minister father reportedly gave her herpes as a child – used to be married.

Specifically Anne Heche used to be married to a man called Coley Laffoon, presumably because his name makes him sound like a racist French circus clown. But, for whatever reason, Anne Heche and Coley Laffoon got married and had a son named Homer. And then they fell out and got divorced.

In the divorce – despite perfectly rational arguments by Anne Heche that all he ever did was masturbate and play ping pong – Coley was awarded custody of Homer, presumably because the judge had read the first four paragraphs of this article. And, despite Anne’s confusing plea of poverty, that’s where we are today. Coley Laffoon has custody of Homer and receives regular child support from Anne Heche. But, hey, at least it’s all in the past.

And then Anne Heche went on David Letterman and, spurred on by possibly the most generic question ever asked, decided to spend a few minutes brutally laying into her ex-husband. Have a look…

Perfect, isn’t it? If you ask us, nothing is going to allow you to regain custody of your son faster than a berserk extended screech about how much you hate his father on television. But what makes it even more perfect is that Coley Laffoon has risen to the bait and hit back at Anne Heche. He told US Weekly:

“After coming home from showing two different clients two different condominiums, I was disturbed to see Anne taking out her personal frustration on the father of her child on national television.”

The excellent thing about this is that now it’s Anne Heche’s turn again. And if she wants to be taken seriously as a demented old harpy, she’d better be able to top her Letterman performance. We’ve looked into this, and apparently the only way she’d be able to do this is by setting herself on fire and having a cliff-top fistfight with a bird of prey. So look out for that, we guess.

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Now if you’ve decided you simply must have a slice of this delicious sounding Heche-ham, that’s just too bad. You’re gonna have to wait – she’s currently using that space for gestation or something. This of course means if you want your ham lady-marinated at all, you’ll have to find someone else to help you do that.

Might we suggest you use Ellen Degeneres, as we’ve heard the general flavour is still incredibly similar.

As we understand it, there are three things that Anne Heche really likes. One of them is being straight now, and the other is proving she’s straight by pushing out babies by way of every single man she ever dates or marries. This serves two purposes – the first is that it feeds the natural mothering instinct every woman is born with. The second is being pregnant gives Heche something to blame her non-expanding resume on.

The child way up inside her now was made when the sperm of a fine actor seduced her lady eggs with an hour-long Shakespeare recital. This is concrete fact. We know this as said recital was video recorded and placed on YouTube. We’re serious here, if you want to see something funny, watch a little wiggly sperm do the lines of Lady Macbeth.

The eggs were wooed, and a trimester was started. That’s one version anyway. For another version of the pregnancy rumors you should read this bit from US Magazine:

“Anne Heche and her beau, actor James Tupper, are expecting their first child together, her rep tells Usmagazine.com exclusively. “They are thrilled,” her rep tells Us. The two first met in 2006 on the set of their short-lived ABC drama Men In Trees while Heche was still wed to husband Coley Laffoon. “In that friendship, we kind of discovered we saw the world in a somewhat similar way,” Tupper, who was also married at the time, told the Vancouver Sun last year. “I think we both made decisions that were based on the relationships we were in.”"

You know, it makes sense if you think about it. Of course Heche wants another baby – she lost the one she already had. If nothing else she could rent the new tyke out to do some cute cereal commercials or something, which would really help pay the family bills.

Better yet, she could make some sort of documentary out of the whole birthing process the same way Ricki Lake did. Sundance eats stuff like that right up. It could have tremendous comic value too. Just imagine the scene where Heche’s water breaks – then a quick pan over and you see that Tupper guy standing there in flippers and a snorkel.

Its too soon to tell, but that thing may have real Academy potential.

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It must be, because Anne Heche is moping around court because her TV show got cancelled and now she can’t even pay her child support bills.

Seriously, is this how bad the credit crunch has got? It’s scary to think that not even a famous actress like Anne Heche can pay for the upbringing of her children because the measly $65,000 she gets for each of her tiny movie roles won’t cover the cost of keeping her two international homes, her cars and all her other various expenses. Maybe we should stage a telethon for her.

Remember that TV show Men In Trees? No, us neither. Shame it wasn’t better, really, because if it was then maybe Anne Heche wouldn’t have had to go to court just now and whine about being so poor.

You’ll know Anne Heche, of course, as the woman who regularly does things that make you feel a little bit sorry for her until you realise that actually she’s being a dick. And the terrible Psycho remake, probably. Last year Anne Heche made the news for losing custody of her child to her ex-husband Coley Laffoon. Sad, but only until you realise that her main argument for keeping custody was that her ex-husband wanked and played ping-pong a lot.

It’s a pattern that stretches way back, past the time that Anne Heche started a lesbian affair with Ellen DeGeneres and then broke it off so she could tour around America telling everyone how God had cured her of her homosexuality all the way back to when she invented the alter ego of hers who could talk to aliens. You know, the one who was Jesus’ half-sister.

Anyway, it’s time for the cycle to come around again, because Anne Heche has gone to court claiming that she can’t pay her child support bills because she’s been a tragic out of work actress since Men In Trees got cancelled. E! Online reports:

“Since January 18, 2008, I have been unemployed and had no income from unemployment except for one very short term contract for a movie role for which I received a total of $65,000, approximately the amount I received for one episode of Men in Trees [which has not been renewed for a third season],” Heche’s filing states. Among the expenditures listed are private school tuition for Homer, rent for her L.A. residence, the mortgage on her Vancouver abode and miscellaneous auto and personal expenses. Heche says the $240,000 she received in January from the sale of her and Laffoon’s Hollywood home is already long gone.

Anne Heche got paid $65,000 an episode for Men In Trees? Yeah, we remember that time we got paid a total of $2,275,000 just for going to work 38 times as well. We barely know how we managed to get by. We literally had to dig through other people’s rubbish because our servants kept serving us our whole roast suckling pig on cold plates. Cold plates! What did they think we were? Animals?

Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that the court granted Anne Heche’s wish to suspend her child support payments for the month of July, potentially putting their son’s private school tuition in danger. That might be a good thing, though – after all, the less educated he is, the longer it’ll take him to realise that his mother seems to be a Curly Wurly short of the full selection pack.

Read more:

Anne Heche Doesn’t Have to Pay for July – E! Online